Instead of getting specific or getting more nuanced… I’m gonna try to scale out and expand on a metaphor that came to me this morning Smoke and Mirrors it combines dynamics of repetition compulsion, secondary gain, externalized critic, counter-dependence, projections, women’s shit testing in relationships, inner parts struggle between managing super-ego vs inner child parts (id) that are controlling the attention & mood.
Trying to get back to the core issue, or starting trigger for this back and forth:
NYE If I approach someone with a cynical mindset I’m likely to see the negative aspects of their personality (confirmation bias).
NYE, you have started off with position that you’re arguing against cynicism, while Grannon and I’m placed in a counter position of arguing for cynicism..
Using prior themes from recent Self Coaching Thursday zoom themes… I will start with investigating this presupposition, the implied belief that you’re not cynical, and Grannon, me or the meetup group is too cynical.
I call smoke and mirrors, I can reverse the assumptions and it’s just as true, if not more true. There’s more evidence that you’re more cynical, and I’m not as cynical… Grannon isn’t as cynical…
This is getting into the tricky land of counter-dependence and externalized critic.. a very worthy future topic, but this is super duper tricky to talk about. BUT it is so fucking common, and maybe even toxic and pervasive within healing communities, and especially social media platforms. Codependents simply do the opposite… go counter (anti/against) vulnerability and connection (cynicism & constant shit-testing)… or the inner critic gets flipped into toxic external critic, viewing every single interaction as a threat (especially ones that presented as an open argument without enmeshment)
So… how’s it playing it out, and why the smoke & mirrors metaphor??
(btw this social script is super common in median group w/ professional therapists, on social media, and other western interdynamics, so you’re not fucking special in copying this 1-2 punch verbal posturing tactic)
Buddhist way of not giving a fuck … boundaries internal tool … others shitty behavior
- Mirrors - reflection of theme (content taking out of context, straw man/red herring).. appearance of building a neutral bridge, but instead is pushing an agenda (ideology), and shaking the branch of the other’s bid for connection. Escalation technique or embedded message tactic to initially mirror other’s position, then a semantical reframe to confirm and dig in more with prior belief and claim.
that’s fine by me. The codependent Grannon is apparently frightened by that prospect.
- Smoke - triangulation onto a 3rd party blame object or mental projection (ghost). In recent flow, Richard Grannon is playing the distraction/smoke object… Also there’s a social dominance posturing angle here… Who’s more enlightened? or claims of attainment vs other’s… But the 3rd party is absent from the conversation, so that’s the triangulation bait/projection dynamic. there is also mirroring going on here too
and… now that I’ve parsed the language, I’ve separated smoke and mirrors as separate categories, where instead BOTH examples had a balance of BOTH smoke & mirrors.. Mirroring is a false performance of building a bridge, or reflecting the other.. while smoke is triangulation through story/object/blame/scapegoat/distraction..
Going back to cynicism… where’s my evidence that NYE is acting out more cynicism, while arguing for less cynicism??? Well… there is a pattern of behavior and long history of back and forth with me, but also with other group members, around cynicism. And when other’s and also me, have tried to personal pleas, they were dismissed, ignored, or not even taken in… then responses of smoke & mirrors kicked in…. I’ll give NYE benefit of the doubt, and place more blame on a toxic externalized critic… it’s a fragile hurt inner child, that’s terrified of intimacy, and skeptical of any sort of connection… so it’s filtering ALL input and emotional bids for connection or just basic communication with extreme skepticism, cynicism and relentless shit testing…
While also continuing repetition compulsion, as not only is there consistent cynicism and skepticism, in most every argument or claim by the other. With added distorted interpretations from the external critic who’s taken over his ears. There’s the pushing away 3rd party triangulation attacks or distractions (smoke & mirrors).. which is energetic posturing, of get the fuck away from me.. keep fucking away… you will never ever see into my pain or hurt….
The lost fragile inner child id is the one who’s in control here, with consistent behavior patterns… while the toxified super-ego has switched from internal critic to externalized critic with excessive external locus of control. OTHERS need to be FIRST be less cynical, and MAYBE I’ll consider lowering by guard a tiny bit. ONLY after I’m totally certain the external world is safe and everyone is totally DISARMED and emasculated. Then, maybe, I’ll consider showing more of myself.
This dynamic is nothing special.. it’s probably an archetypal energy… it’s a script that the social justice warriors wield aggressively.. being played out on both sides of the vaccine good vs doubt worlds… I see therapists use the same damn script, but with even more top down administrative type hubris and judgment.
And most everyone is still totally underestimating the effects of living inside of this global covid pandemic, this is a once in a lifetime collective emotional stressor. It’s not just about covid, it’s messed up social structures, economic landscape, work/life balance, digital exposure, sense of time and place, community, social fabric, etc. etc..
… apologies for using this thread and specifics of your comments as live case studies…. I could just as simply use prior Youtube comment wars to illustrate the same point… or probably even break down a tentacle croissant episode to illustrate the same dynamics played out… or maybe even one of my old zoom meetings where I’ve probably fallen into this archetypal trap…
Codependents are terrified of intimacy…. or maybe the default state of humanity is terrified of intimacy… and we use our intellect to get psychological distance (triangulation) from that hyperawareness of our innate state of being over-exposed.
Maybe this is the core issue?? pointed out back in April 2020… but maybe it’s impossible to find a solution for it??
This is a quirk that I don’t get
In meetings sometimes people fight to get the spotlight, to be visible.
But at the same time, if I give them too much spotlight they want to hide.
It seems like people cry about wanting to be seen but they also not want to seen.
Why aren’t they consistent?? Do they want to be seen or do they want to be invisible? Just choose one!
They want to be seen by a loving kind parents or substitute parents in the form of a lover
and maybe this is a poor substitute for that,
They’ll go “I want to be seen! I want to be seen!”
And then they’re like “This feels awkward. I can’t deal with this anymore” and then they want to bounce!
I think that’s a very codependent way of dealing with contact with humans
is cycling through oversharing, counter dependency, oversharing, counter dependency …
a lot of that is down to just being emotionally dysregulated
my hypothesis with codependence is that we actually are terrified of intimacy because we never knew love
so your first model for a loving relationship in adulthood would have been the relationship with your parents
but if they never really loved you, they just only showed you time and attention transactionally, depending on when you were given them what they wanted
authentic love will be completely alien
so you’re looking for the game which is to be transactional:
Which is like how do, what do I need to do, to win a piece of love??