Omg!! What you wrote was EXTREMELY helpful for me!!! I’ve realized I started ““keeping secrets” FROM my husband about 7 years ago, or rather - I moderated the victim bleed soon after.
something felt like I was being eclipsed so I started taking back ME.
i even had a fight with him and shouted at him ““YOU ARE ECLIPSING ME” I stood my ground. I have never backed down, apologized or made up with him since.
I thought something felt wrong, so I just stopped bleeding, to him, infront of him, on his request. Bleeding became permission granted. And I stopped giving anyone permission. I had a system where I would bleed a little bit to friends - but it was a Test. I would leak something about my deep past and analyze their behavior to me.
Im the one that’s been living with 30 years of secrets. But my dark secret, gives me something that makes me incredibly attractive to soul suckers.
They all say the same thing: you’re so special/incredible/strong etc. they all ACT UP.
Then I am not impressed. Not impressed at all, because they didn’t bleed. They don’t understand everyone bleeds. And because they don’t bleed, I know they have no special skill and it makes me sad that they can’t grow.
i wanted my friend shiva to grow so bad. To this day I wish she could. But she is a replica of my mother, who ended up in prison to become a better person. I wonder is Shiva will go the same way.
Shiva does not bleed like the rest of us, she fakes bleeding, by crying wolf. And commiserating with a pack of wolves around her. All baying for blood and anti-masking, anti-protesting.
i couldnt stop myself thinking about my dream last night. So much has happened in the weekend I’m at risk of unraveling again. But I’m strong, however, Ant is not.
she got in contact with me right around the time I mitigated bleeding. She was curious about me and revealed she had been ill for a few years with a mystery illness.
i know what is afflicting her and she won’t recover until she remembers what put her in a trance 32 years ago. I saw something then, and I know she has a dark secret that’s making her ill.
many of my friends from that time have developed MS, ME, ““physical manifestations” of something I know is numbing them from inside. I realized overnight, the children that gravitated to me, all had secrets. I had the words and expressions in my stories that gave them an escape, but they could not follow me.
now I see that all the classmates who followed my stories 32 years ago are ill with chronic fatigue, I knew they all had secrets.
i know Shiva’s secret is also something she cannot confront on her own. I watch her to see if there’s a way. She has the potential, but not alone. I know what drives her mad.
it’s not my job right now to take each by the hand and show them. Right now, I have to stay in my lane and understand how not to bleed all over the place and leave stinky scents of blood around. And control my energy levels.