I can’t explain what happened today. I feel different, clearer. Lighter?
The same thing happened in the garden today - the shit sensation with the squatting, only I was unprepared and wanted to bring a box of treats in for the bunnies so had to save it for later. But I stayed in the poopy sensation and thought - I really could do it you know right here on the lawn and shit with no pain whatsoever. I know it.
Then I came indoors and forgot about going to the toilet because I was so excited to lie down with the bunnies while they ate and nuzzled me gratitude.
Today I made a sandwich - I glided through, with only a couple of mistakes mainly from clumsiness. But I recognized the mayonaise, recognized bag of bread, swiftly chucked stuff in the toaster on autopilot. I felt free, for the first time in a while I haven’t had to think about the ingredients, the jars, discern, prioritize, task list and on and on and fuck up, get lost, lose my shit and end up with a soggy pile of leaky food. I made a sandwich - I know that sounds like a tiny thing, but you can’t imagine how hard this is when I struggle to remember what I’m doing in the middle of a task. I space out and just forget I’m even hungry.
Today - I was hungry and knew it. it’s honestly been years.
Normally I start shaking and feel like passing out because of low blood sugar and realize I am so hungry but forgot and missed all the signs until I was crashing.
Another thing - I DID SOME TIDYING AND CLEANING!!! like holy shit 2 things in one day. Normally I tidy, then I clean. I did both at the same time, and it felt so clear. I also found a strategy that got me through doing two tasks at once…
Move everything off the table, and because I can’t remember the next task or where to go to complete it, throw the objects on the table in a polar direction (N<S<E<W>>>) roughly in piles so I can grab a basket for north (bathroom) south (kitchen) E laundry room and West for my wall. it worked and I zoomed through it with half done piles migrating halfway across the room, then into the next and slowly dissipating until they went away.
OK so I now have piles of laundry to do. But I’m so happy!
I tried on my swimsuit today - but it got stuck so I spent bits of time cutting out the lining.
I rigged my gymnastics rings today, so I can start experimenting with spinning.
I saw the lesions on my brain which I’ve been studying for the last few weeks. are located in my weak areas - the one’s I’m generally not good at anyway so they get cut off first by the flip lord at the front of my brain if he thinks I’m not using them.
Things like facial recognition, object recognition, directly associated with the lesions on my brain.
Also, their shape is interesting, they are vascular in origin, meaning, there is a blood flow issue in my brain. this is fascinating to me as the bloodflow lesions are fast to occur, not slow. they can also be a result of immune activity, but, this looks like the lesions happened so fast, that the resulting inflamation triggered more attacks.
I figure if I go spinning, and centrifuge my brain abit, I will force bloodflow to areas that need to heal - but here’s the bonus…
I can actually stay grounded while I’m spinning. Spinning is one way the world dissapears around me, as well as the 4th dimension, and I am for once, sucked into the first perspective.
So, these lesions cutting the flow of energy to the temporal regions of my brain, suffocating those areas, is what is leading to my vestibular out of body, third perspective experience. if I centrifuge that blood flow, not only will I push the blood back into temporal regions, but I will regain my sense of time, ground my memories, ground myself back into first perspective.
Ummmm that’s the idea of the experiment anyway. I’m pretty sure learning to spin, will activate regions of my brain to heal faster.
So far, I’ve been tumbling, bu this is all spinning on the horizontal axis. reinforcing my sense of body through the air, which is actually located dorsally though the midline of the brain. To regain axial control, I need to piroette around - the vertical axis - which I’ve always, always been absolutely RUBBISH AT.
I have an ice skating spinner to help me, I’ll take it out under the rings tomorrow or sunday.
Enough about me - this is all subjective thoughts on how to heal faster. But I’m really happy and something is significantly different today - I hope it stays.