Onnaloves visuals

Onnaloves

Also I realize now that the burning painful sheet cloud? Was the lights ON while I was being raped. I felt the pain in my eyes same as the pain looking out the window on a cloudy day when I drew the 3d aerial map of the school. I closed my eyes because the sheet clouds hurt my eyes and went flying ““out the window” that’s what I told the teacher. No one understood what I meant. I was 9/10 years old. And I knew the area well by then as I had walked all around it on my own running home from school avoiding the wind using the bushes and walls and shortcuts through the woods.
by the time I was 10, I could fly anywhere in that area, and I had walked 5 miles home from swimming so I could fly further and follow the roads.
seeing now how I did it with adult eyes, really amazes me. I was doing it since the age of 5, but at 7 I practiced it intentionally.
i realize now that my conscious body was aware even though I was drugged. So my subconcious took me elsewhere. I sont know which way around it was but I think it feels more subconcious than conscious.
Like behind her eyes I’ve always wanted to meet someone else that could do it. That would see the things I could see, but maybe that’s just a coincidence of practice from a young age. I don’t think if you try it after the age of 20 you can do it.
the reason I say this is because I very much feel my thought patterns in my head, like a field, and it was never stronger than when I was a kid, OR after the last seizures. It’s like the field I created was stronger in those days or in days of accelerated pruning in my brain. Like shaping a bonsai or topiary. The mesh has to be laid out in advance, the stems woven and trained to shape. Once it’s shaped, you cannot morph it.
but, I think for some people they can experience something close tk this intensity if they are trained, just not as immersive and ““procedurally generated” as mine.
there is a depth map in my spacial awareness that I feel - and there’s no illustration or visuals for it. But my depth map is trained on distance - objects close up can be hard to understand. Hence only recognizing a bowl or a cup after much practice after my seizures.
I can walk around a room with my eyes closed, because I feel the room and ceiling around me. But I cannot until recently tell the difference between a bag of chips or a bag of bread. Or jars of mayonnaise or peanut butter.
I have to touch them to recognize them. Feel the density and rubbery reaction and study the labels hard to decipher what is in the jar.
living like this for the last year has been really tough.
i can’t make myself a sandwich easily, I try anyway but it’s kind of hilarious the fucking mess I make.
my facial recognition started to return in the last month or so - but this is still fucking slow. At least I can follow a TV series when the actresses have such different hair and accents, otherwise I can’t remember who is who.
Also, I watched Chinese New Year celebrations online this year and it made me fucking cry my ass off. There were half breed chinese people being all Chinese better than I am, and they were celebrating ““authentically” even though they were mixed blood. I thought. Fuck, i was always told I was a half breed as a kid and junk, and yet there are half breeds who know and participate in Chinese dance. So
im going to copy them and learn from home, maybe find an online teacher.
also, I noticed something about the Tai Chi. The master was feeling it and leading, I want to learn this too. I could see the students were “acting ” and pretending but not feeling it like master. They were flirting their eyes and copying and keeping track. All good. But I could see how master was following the energy.
i do this in the bath tub with my wet hands. I trace the flow of the field I can only feel it through my fingers when they are wet. The movement looks like Tai Chi. My energy field is divided into 2, I feel one around my mind and one around my belly. Always have felt it as two. But this guy doing the Tai chi, I followed his hands and he was pushing them together. I cannot feel this with dry hands but I know the shapes he was clasping.
not everyone has the same shapes or the same balance, some people have toroidal shapes - others are shaped like a bottle. Some are like a cone or a flat hole that appears wide but has a narrow source.
I need to finish this set of drawings before I move onto the next and demonstrate these shapes.
i recently discovered my field is actually like a twisted toroid. Twisted in the middle across two opposing planes. It looks like a double torus with one end on its side. I can’t catch up wit my drawings I’ve been really shit this week.
im preparing a live stream with new scenes to do another 2 hour show and combine this chapter of my work into one big long video

Onnaloves

Really into using this social journal system now to help me keep track of shit.
shit that I can’t write down with words.
here is an example:

this is a mechanical drawing that uses a SET number of gears each with a set ratio to draw a pattern that eventually finishes in the same place.
i subscribe to things that make me wonder why I see shit differently. And there is a graphical representation right in this video.
it feels like my brain.
ignore my utter rubbish grammar, my keyboard on this phone keeps switching between languages and I have to write fast while it’s on my mind.
i place comments on social media to help the thought stick in my mind. To help me find a way back to that piece of art like a bookmark. This journal is now doing that for me.
the comment I placed was: I feel a sequence of 5,5,3 but. That’s not quite right. It’s probably 5, 6, 4. Or even more.
it feels like the same pattern as a truncated octohedron. I have ordered acrylic hexagonal parts to build a hands on model you can see the axon flow through my brain. It’s a truncated octohedran. It’s one of the Platonic solids.
the formula for the truncated octohedron is beautiful, it’s constituents are the hexagon and the square. An octahedral with its corners chopped off. There are 8 hexagons, and 6 squares.

our brains structure is based on the truncated octohedron.
it’s specific growth pattern is a fractal based on 4 dimensions that have symmetry and flip or switch.
there are two AI software patents out using the truncated octohedron as an error correcting model.
which is what the healthy brain does. It can reassess reality by flipping and duplicating and if there is error, it prunes away, if not, it integrates memory.
which is why when I’m lied to I literally get dizzy and sick, my CEO in my brain is saying - if you take that shit on, you don’t need my logic so I’ll just bumfuck you back into reality ((my third perspective) because you aren’t capable of seeing reality.
that’s literally what my brain says to me, and if I swallow the lie and refuse to listen to garbage, I get a seizure as the CEO in my brain decides to fire some of my logic circuits . STUPID CUNT. Now see how I punish you if you want to believe lies fuck it then, you don’t need me. Back into third perspective I go.

how my brain is wired to do this, the truncated octohedron theory is simple. I have neurons of different shape, they form the gyra. Their shape determine how many ““gates” need to be activated in order to fire a sequence. My logic gates are pyramid shaped and only activate upon exactly 3 stimulus. Other neurons fire differently but when this happens at the same time, FLIP LORD comes in and assesses my reality check.
(CEO, executive function, higher order thinking/meta thinking - he’s my flip lord, god of the truncated octohedron)
i know indont make sense to anyone. I don’t care. I have to get these words out for reference so I can come back to it and work on my acrylic sculpture. The show and tell will use the words to a more eloquent degree. For now, this is just the fast paced garbage dump from my brain and all the flip lords that run it. I’m just being thrown about from one reality to the next on a daily constant basis and it’s hard to stay in reality, especially lately.

Onnaloves

Omg. I just had a crazy thought. Ok so the mathematical formula for the truncated octohedron is 4 dimensional. X, y, z, and w
our brains calculate things in four dimensions not 3
i just realized my ““third perspective” is actually the 4th dimension
let me explain.
to draw or build a pyramid, we think in three dimensions, we draw in 2D.
you draw a pyramid with a square at the bottom, and the point at the top. Lolololol.
here’s the mindfuck made simple. The point is the fourth dimension. We cannot build a pyramid outside in the fourth dimension. We cannot build a pyramid standing on its point. But. If it’s on the other side of the globe and you zoom out, there it is it’s standing on its point relative to you. It’s in the fourth dimension relative to you it’s literally pointing away from you when you’re on the other side of the planet instead of in the third dimension when you’re infront of it and it points upwards.
when we map a truncated octohedron, everything is in the fourth dimension relative to flip lord at the front.
if I make a 3D representation of the brain as a truncated octohedron we can see with our own eyes what a 3D render on a 2D drawing cannot show us.
2D drawings can go up only one extra dimension before you have to introduce different projections or cross sections of time.
3D representations can give us 4th dimensional perspective and multiples of that model for comparison increase the degrees of dimension you can illustrate or show and tell.
i have to build one model first though 🤣🤣🤣
we think in 3D, people don’t think in 4 or 5 dimensions easily.
I had a strange fight with husband today. It was related to some work I was doing for him where I compute using 4D thinking. He is very linear and 2D thinking so he’s even more disabled than the typical. ((He thinks I’m the disabled one) sure I can’t talk. I was having trouble speaking this morning yet I have this shit marketing work to do ((getting him clients off the web) it’s easy for me, but not easy to explain to someone who a) hates and misunderstands the internet, b) 2D flat linear series non-contextual thinker. Like impossible can’t go there cannot compute. Fuck
he needs me and I hate this shit so much I can’t talk through it. I got angry AS FUCK GRABBED HIS HAND
PULLED HIM TO MY WALL AND PULLED HIS HAND AROUND THE WALL making his hand follow my geature
then YANKED HIS HAND put it on my computer screen SHOWED HIM with garbage words coming out my mouth. But it’s difficult. I was angry as fuck and his refusal to shut the fuck up and listen made me grab him and point his hands to what I was trying to explain.
he shut up. Thank god. It’s fucking moronic.
however I did tell a few words and I did pull him out of his lazy chair bullshit speak. So it worked.
the point is he refuses to communicate with me ( he speaks linearly and pisses me off because it’s like a fucking prologue of confusion fucktard) So. I communicate with space so I had to physically pull him in. Lazy twat.
swear to god I punched myself in the face so hard today because of this and struggling, my hands are numb on the radial nerve again. Fuck im so pissed
this feels good somehow though.

Onnaloves

One last thing, then I’m going back to study and draw and take a break from this marketing bullshit.
i was so excited at the prospect of my latest piece of art - visualizing axon flow - and yes there’s mistakes, it’s not perfect but no ones ever done it before
all brain maps are topological and sectional and there are no artists out there illustrating the axon flow.
that’s the most important part to understanding the brain!
reaso it’s so important to me is that I can feel my brain. I know that’s a rare thing. So I must illustrate it. Either I am onto SOMETHING or I am just crazy. I’m cool with being crazy, but if this thing, this perspective I have access to, can give science an explanation to the 4th dimension. That’s what I’m calling it now. For me the 4th dimension is unreal. I wish I could find physical something to represent it with. For me it’s a feeling and a memory combined into one. It’s space. I call it my depth map. My depth map grows over time larger and larger it was small as a kid no bigger than my room when I first saw it. But I trained it like a taxi driver learning the city, to expand further and further. You can only go, where you have been. One thing my depth map is shit at, is small object recognition. Dense objects look the same, it’s hard to tell them apart.
where was I?
OH YEA I remember. Something about swimming through the world completely out of gensynch. Imagine the camera is focused on you and the environment and you move through it, but the environment catches up 2 seconds later in spurts.
that’s me.
and the first thing to go if I start losing my shit is speech. When I no longer have enough bandwidth- phonetics becomes poetry. I have to remember all of it and untangle it later. But my memory is jacking up.
im getting clogged so I might not be able to keep up, now I can’t talk…
well, the only time I can stay true, is when I am underwater and connected to everything again, stuff becomes in synch. Perfectly in synch. I feel at one with the world I am no longer in the fourth dimension.
the other thing that works is if I am flying ((while conscious ) ring flying or doing stunts. The world moves around me so fast MY WORLD SLOWS DOWN and I can start to react with better timing. So I am speeding up the fourth dimension and as a result feeling in control of the third perspective. My reaction times speed up.
the other times this happens is when I am SPINNING
so, I bought myself some gymnastics rings to go and centrifuge my brain with some spinning pirouettes hehe
i can’t wait to install them in the gazebo.
it should help me change blood flow reactions in my brain so I can develop faster response times. Well that’s my thought anyway.
im going to have some fun now and study dissected brains and do some handstands again.

Onnaloves

https://internet-map.net/

If I was to redesign the internet, this is what I’d do.
People do not think like lists, and priority. This is brain entrainment that is actually “dislogic” it forces us to adapt our behaviour and keep re-parsing the search terms to get someone’s version of 1st position as a result. We waste time trawling through pages of semantics to either confirm our belief system, or reject because it takes too much time to go through the disinformation.
organising data into 2D linear flows where you are forced to read through garbage instead of fast tracking to the point to make more efficient your learning, is like tortuous learning. learning without a reard. painful study, that taught us study is painful, punishes us for study, hurts our brains, damages us.
Study and learning needs to be fun and efficient.
That is how our brains grow and learn. Joy is abundance. Joy is colour and variation and marvel. when we reward our curiosity with joyy, those pathways become hardened, fast tracked in our brains, we grow, we heal, we expand our baseline.
If I was to construct a forum from scratch, I would make it like this, a network of orbs, each orb is a container, each container is a thought as big as you want, they become clusters of thought, in relativity to another via their semantics. You can start an orb or thought anywhere, and as you fill it up, the semantics of your writing will draw you closer to one body of thought that closely matches it. You may merge bubble of thought, into a cell with divided clusters of anatomy.
But the website should do all the semantic work and connect them for you. Such that if any other person brings thought to the internet, they may be surprised to see their thought bubbles align out of nowhere closely to yours.
A person who is confused, full of anti thought, illogical pattern and rambling, will semantically end up close to yours just from context, but it cannot increase in size because it cannot justify itself - that requires wider and varied insight and experience, so if you are empty and bring nothing to the table, your bubble will simply, stay small, and directionless.
If the internet was like this,
wow
we would be advancing in social intelligence instead of diseased and brain damaged with narcissism

Onnaloves

ooo quick thought - re-parsing information is the exact pattern of anxiety. When I feel anxiety, it’s an eddy loop in my brain that can really piss me off, because it matches the same flow pattern of focussed study, meta thought at the front of my brain. But when my brain gets stuck in one of these eddy loops I KNOW oh damn I must be feeling anxiety.
I tend to recognize it now before it does some damage. If I don’t release that eddy loop from my brain, it erodes my frontal brain again, and I get foggy from the damage.
Guess what lists do to me, exactly the same thing, that’s why I’m cautious of the internet - logically speaking. the list system and priority system is an exact formula for brain entrainment of anxiety eddy loops.
When I use the internet, I actually navigate it using my photo maps.
I screencap shit I like and resonate. That info gets backed up to the cloud with a date, and google can read that shit.
when I search, I go to photo search and type in my keywords, pull up the date I found the website. then go to my google history and look at the search history for that day.
all my youtube videos I watched all stored on that date.
that’s how I use the internet.
it saves me getting triggered with the entrained anxiety loops. I use my meds to give me more control - when I am in control, I avoid the eddy loops going back over the same ruminations doesn’t help me. like a broken record player, wearing the tracks down in the same rings and re-writing that shit. it’s a trap I don’t want to waste my energy on.

incidentally, just a thought.
I was curious that my ex couldn’t dream hahahahahahaha, he was amazed that I could. I told him, dreaming is processing and hardwiring your learning. dreaming is amazing. why don’t you dream?!! Then I asked him, if you could go back to school, what would you study.
It nearly made him puke. he couldn’t stomach it. I laugh my ass off so hard at his reaction. like what? you’re too good for it, know it all already? nah - he didn’t WANT to learn. It’s always excuses. I can’t do yoga hes stronger than me lolololol
So then I knew he was primitive mind. incapable of learning, I wished and hoped he was, but he faked it. he hated the spiritual garbage I came out with and said - don’t tell anyone or they’ll think you’re nuts.
I don’t care if I’m nuts mate, you’re just worried that you will look bad for picking a nutter as your advisor. Doesn’t affect me if I dream and have visions and crazy thoughts about dimensionality. puh

Onnaloves

Had another flashback today, during wake, not happy timing is bad. I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. My head hurts so bad.
My husband said to me at dinner, what is the difference between Astral Projection and Lucid dreaming?
I said, they both have intent, one is imaginary, the other is guided by the subconcious memory, it has dimension. When you lucid dream, you control the outcome. When you astrally project, or in my case fly, your subconcious is reinventing concious awareness.
he wasn’t satisfied and it became an interesting debate with someone who was angry and fustrated that he did not know if he had ever experienced astral projection as a lucid dream or flying experience, or as a true astral projection.
HAHA, funny. so I said.
You can fail in your astral projections, that is a risk. I failed many times, I do not remember them, but I know I failed. and I started to recolect one of my failures…
When I first flew, it was a surprise and I stayed only just outside the window, not looking back, but looking up at the trees and the moonlight painting the walls behind me. After that experience, I practicesd it more, further and further.
Every time I walked to school and ran home, I absorbed the detail, felt the wind, smelled people’s cooking and the sounds travelling from each home. I paid attention to all my senses so that I could map and fly farther.
The goal was, to fly as far away from home as I could. I don’t know why. I do now, but not then. sort of.
Sometimes I would fly, and the world generated around me slowly as I flew, but it felt viscous like resistance, so flying was more like swimming through the air. swimming because I was viscerally feeling my way through the mapI was generating around me.
But, I was fleeing, flying and fleeing in panic, to get away as far as possible. On these occasions, sometimes, I would feel heavier and heavier, and my momentum would drag me down like I could not swim through the air… I was being crushed, I was weighted down, I would crash into the ground no further than the end of my road, and still get heavier and heavier and crawl with all my strength until things went dark.
I was being crushed. I failed. I was too conciously aware and my subconcious failed to let me escape the horror of being raped at night. I would wake up in this instance with dreams of falling down the stairs and bring broken with a jolt.
I would wake up, knowing I was broken and bruised again.
When I manage to let my subconcious protect me, is when I can fly. but I failed many times.
I am going to bed now. I feel like shit

Onnaloves

Like literally all of my friends are crazy 🤣🤣🤣 I don’t know if I gravitate to them or they gravitate to me. Either way, I actually keep everyone at arms distance I’ve never been truly close with friends.
i keep people at a distance. Everyone. Even those I call relationships.
i realize now that my ex, who made me 🩸 bleed. Drew details out of me for fun. He wanted the details.
who wants the details seriously? No one! No one really cares

Onnaloves

Had to restart my post because phone was laggy.
the reason why no one cares is because they aren’t connected. And that’s ok. Connection takes time and experience. Shared experience and diversity you can bring together.
my ex overstepped the mark. I realize now that people who expect you to give details, there’s something wrong with them. They use it against you because the drain wasn’t equitable. ““I listened to all your ahit but you aren’t interested in mine ” however, they have no details to share. Everything is generalized. They can’t focus on the one time they cracked. It was forgotten. Just like mine was locked away for 32 years.
i even noticed it about my yoga friend. She is vegan. This makes me chuckle inside because people judge vegans - as do I. There’s something irritating about them, like they think they are spiritually superior. LMAO it’s sick.
im sitting here waking up from slo mo world and getting rid of dreams from last night and figured I would explore this moment. Of veganism LOLOLOLOL why it makes me squirm with hidden laughter so much. Seriously why? It’s like demented inside. The opposite of a seizure I’m laughing so hard inside like it’s incredulous. Poor vegans.
they misunderstand morality.
heres me explaining their logic and why I just FUCKING LAUGH AT THAT SHIT
Vegans and fucking yogis, usually go together, this group of ““spiritually morally woke people” oh! Patriarchy, oh BLM! Oh I love animals! People are cruel! Stay away from red flags, stay away from bad people lololololol
im so fucking dead already. To me this is not living. To me this is not contributing. Life to me, I am grateful for, but I am always learning to live. I find rules of morality a fucking construct of fakeness. Bullshit. Morality only exists in societal construct.
maybe I’m using the wrong words I don’t know morality and ethics kinda same.
but it’s the fakery of construct I don’t like with veganism. And modern day yogis.
Fuck that. Fuck them. Don’t eat meat? Grow your own food, live on a farm, do something. LIVE by your morals. Grow something anything and respect how hard it is to receive a varied sustenance.
life needs sustenance from all things. Interconnected. The good and the bad. If you’re a fucking vegan and don’t grow shit. Don’t lecture me about meat eating. If you’re a fucking yogi, and give me unwanted advice about my incorrect alignment 🤣🤣🤣🤣 fuuuuuck off with your bullshit.
i know more about alignment than many yogis. Because I feel that shit all the time.
oh yeh, people who see auras? Same category 🤣🤣🤣 oh you have blue or pink aura. Hmmm really? 🤔 your synesthesia is bullshit. It gave you meaning to your shit, but you can’t explain that shit can you? Go away fartist ((fart ist= fake artist)
i see fame artists. Imitators everywhere. They use their art for ego. It’s not communicating anything worthy about EXPERIENCE and wisdom into the world.
i must be such a cunt. They all call me sociopath and I’m ok with it actually, keeps them away because they are afraid they can’t do fakery infront of me. I don’t fall for that shit.
i much prefer enjoying watching everyone play from a distance. It’s really enjoyable. They fake each other and blow each other up. Massage everyone egos and hug each other. I’m glad they are happy rabbits. But, I see so much fakery going on between them, their body language gives it all away.
it’s like the whole group is wearing masks 🎭 and I’m tracking energies of different kinds mingle and predate in the crowd.
they don’t spot them. Then they do and it’s funny because they switch. Excuses. Distraction, avoidance, OH HELLO 👋 new friend LMAO
i miss seeing this at the beach.
i stayed on the outside watching while stretching out in the hot sand, people would come along and spoil my midden. Then I would be pissed inside from my bubble invasion.
i have no yearning to be like them with all that fakery. I have no yearning to be witb anyone. I’m happy alone. I just would wonder… is there anyone that can see what I see? And so I would wait at the beach on the outside watching. Guess who would come and sit next to me. The trans. The outsiders. The austricized. They call me pretty and beautiful, yet I will not pose for the camera. I only pose for myself. I won’t let others film me.
the photographers sit with me inside they are hoping I will give them a photoshoot but I won’t. Fuck you. Go and photograph the fartists and yogis, not me. Not interested.
so in time I would overhear the photographers predating the acrobat crowd. Judging and joking about soinso or her or some other girl.
disgusting. I know what they are. Ego suckers. They would be nothing without acrobats filling their lenses, yet I overhear them slap talking girls.
sick fucks.
they don’t think I can hear them. They don’t realise I can lip read and interpret their shit from a BIG distance. I’m never out of ear shot.
watching acrobats at the beach taught me a lot about the fakery of the enlightened world. Fucking light workers, vegans, and yogis. LMAO they are fodder and game for the predators.
what you have to realize is, the raw evilness of these BPD girls and NPD boys. To me - it’s a very similar sort of evil but with gender bias in expression. To me they are all part of the living cycle of constant struggle. The turbulence is what keeps us going. Somehow, without the turbulence of fight - it would be a very boring place for no one would be growing and giving back, truly, to overall knowledge..
what I refer to as evil, simply isn’t to me. It’s just a vacuum of nothingness, and I can see that vacuum, that they are trying to fill up with others, because they don’t see that they are tethered to the same world.
they are to me a crinkle, a pinch in the field. It’s distorted around them because of that huge vacuous lack of energy that pulls people in. They can’t help it. They have a deep need to be validated by being worshipped. For if no one sees them they cannot exist. That’s painful for them.
Not painful to me. I spent a lifetime trying to hide, be invisible, fly away. Now, I want to be seen by others that see what I see.
i sont care how they see it, infact, if you do see it from a different way, I want to know. Because I want to know the shape of the void that others can’t see, and that needs many lenses to see it, not just mine.
often the outsiders would sit with me silently, and watch and look for what I was watching.
that was nice. They would occasionally see it.
these outsiders were usually gender fluid people. Awkward but nature. Afraid to be seen yet coming out to be seen as the opposite sex.
and that’s where I met my yogi vegan friend. She was having great difficulty being in the crowd where she could sense predators. I was her safe place.
yet I had a so called ““best friend” who I loved as my ballet teacher - who is off the scale narc and histrionic batshit.
she pleaded not guilty for her anti-masking parades of domestic terrorism. Lol. The court system is backed up. She’s doing her crazy while awaiting court dates and it’s fascinating.

Onnaloves

What I’m curious about, is can I get the Narcs and bpds to remember the point at which they split from the void? It’s too long ago and they can’t remember it like me. I have a memory of splitting. They don’t. And because they don’t they deny the other dimension exists creating a BIG FAT VOID. a need so big it sucks like a vacuum. A gravitational field others are drawn to and feel tormented to leave or pull away. It’s so fascinating seeing these black holes wander among us.
i often said before I feel peoples “fields” this is NOT AN AURA. This is subtle. This is NOT LIKE A HEAT MAP. Goddammit, that’s so 2D thinking.
how can I find words to explain?
how can I illustrate it?
how can I show people?
how can I demonstrate it?
how can I get others to see this?
i have ideas in my films that I can make to demonstrate it. So I am selecting the right event and going through the process of picking scripts to breakdown into VFX. Actors. Budget.
i often wonder how can science visualize it? How can science MEASURE IT?
what tools are out there to capture it. But because the field is so subtle you need BIG EQUIPMENT TO MEASURE IT.
take my EEG. Damn that was fun. As they measured my brainwaves i felt strong fireworks all over moving orthographically. Which was fun because that’s not normally how I feel it. For me it radiates and ripples though gyra. Giving me patterns and cross waves.
but the fireworks were something else.
they came back with the recording and said my frontal brain was working too hard. It was way above frequency that it should be. And gave me anti-psychotics.
lol. They wanted to get me out of meta mode by calcifying my gearshift? My meta mode is probably meta meta, dimensional layers of thinking. It runs that way. But it means I get trapped in eddy loops.
i have to avoid those traps in my brain because those need to be repurposed and healed. Not further eroded and damaged.
OMG that’s what the memories are!!!!
the flashbacks!!! Finally seal up the entrances to the eddy loops and finally will let me heal!!!
FUCK IMAGINE THAT.
ive been getting strange audible hallucinations this last week. In my right side. My emotions are healing. They are raw hence the clear audible hallucinations. But they are healing. I’ve had 4 episodes this week.
the last time I had audible hallucinations was a year ago, when I started my healing journey.
that was a creepy experience to be followed by a voice from the void.

Onnaloves

I don’t spend too much time thinking about the future, I can’t but it’s kind of useful for me to have goals. Today I was in the moment more. I went out to snip the grass and bring my bunnies some nice treats from the garden.
I do this nude in the garden with scissors and absorb the sun on my skin and hair and feel the light breeze.
I enjoy these moments in the garden everyday, snipping stomens of grass that I pick and choose according to maturity of leaving to seed.
I snip crowns of weeds for them too. Today the gardener came and scalped the lawn. butchered it. I get so annoyed at him for doing this so today my husband got him to stop mowing our lawn. it was a fight. the gardener is not happy because he see’s the lawnmower as his job and whats underneath it doesn’t matter. He’ll scalp anything to put a notch on his done post.
Every two weeks I pick through the ruined lawn, and search for the best stomens for my bunnies. in the nude. Neighbours are aware I do this and sent drones over the garden once. pricks. We will see if the gardener changes his methods next week and stops mowing, just rakes and picks up leaves.
I’m honestly so dissapointed that someone calls themselves a gardener, just to scalp a lawn.
A bit of background. we are house-sitting for his old relative. Since the pandemic he has had no work, but that’s been ok because I manage to get him clients. I also have been getting him to DO THE WORK to get his own clients.
As a result - useless me in the real world gets the freedom to heal.
I get to work late at night on website shit. marketing shit. editing shit. without interacting with anyone.
And while the sun is out, I absorb what I can and mingle with growing things outside. The birds are used to me foraging and come down next to me to forage. The FAT SQUIRREL was actually a mum, and comes close, often waits for me outside.
When I take my rabbits out, baby girl wants to adopt her babies, and she tries to climb the trees and bushes.
my narc bunny is afraid of planes and crows. He’s a shit guard bunny but he never wants to look bad so he’s tortured to stay outside and watch us when he’s hiding his fear of the crows. I open the door and let him indoors and he runs upstairs for relief that I saved his ego. Baby girl gets pissed it’s time to go in. she loves sniffing the wind for her babies in the trees.
What will I end up doing in the future? I am not independant yet, and wont be for a while. until then, I am focusing on my art, and trying to get it under the noses of science, with legitimacy. I could of course, just be crazy.
Last night studying neuro anatomy, the professor talked about two streams coming from the occipital pole. One dorsal, the other ventral.
He said:
The dorsal stream (longditudinal) associates WHERE - relativity, grounding, mapping, relationships.
The ventral stream is high res, and dwells on WHAT - recognition, objects, who? LMAO
LMAO
LMAO - I KNEW IT. I have always said my object recognition was SHIT. facial recognition SHIT. Yet third perspective - nailed it!
So I added the flow of energy to my axon flow map last night - incidentally - I had already drawn, just hadn’t labelled. I KNEW I could feel that shit.

Onnaloves

I wonder what it’s like to shit in broad daylight.
my husband is pissed about responsibilities and something so I am in my mute. Overwhelmed by his angst and pretending I am not here. I duck out occasionally to get the bunnies another box of treats.
Then while I was out in the nud, like a big relief honestly to be away from the bad energy, I felt the urge to poo.
I pay attention to that, but I didn’t want to run indoors. I wanted to shit right there in the baking sun right in the middle of the patio.
You know why? I had the urge to poop - WITHOUT PAIN. see that’s a rare thing for me. if i need to poop, it comes with a pain. I get it everyday, when my body wakes up, I get shit pain. it hurts until I poop, then I recover from that shit.
But outside, feeling my mute all alive and happy after shit talking vegans, I needed to SHIT. and i didn’t run indoors.
I’m being sneaky now, I’m planning a poop in the sun. Wonder if it will feel good?
normally I shit, it hurts sometimes like fucking hell. I double over the toilet in pain, it shoots down my legs into my arches. fuck man. I’m used to it.
but, you see, the bathroom has a strange atmosphere, it’s familiar yet cold, repetitious. like, same old pain, same old room. I remember the bathroom from childhood, where I would be doubled over in pain. and my mum would be cleaning me out with a giant syringe full of soapy water.
would hurt like hell. once, I think she tore me. the nozzle, was sharp even though it had a teat, it was hard. those wounds used to burn. the bathroom was an association with something clinical cold and malevolent. always has been.
i once tried to self abort after a rape. that was also in the bathroom.
i starved myself and the utensils i used on myself cut me up and I bled everywhere and got infected. neighbor found me and i went to hospital.
I should be dead so many times now, I know I am alive for a big reason. thats to shit in the garden right?
ok. gonna get some work done. enough of the fascinating shit talk.

Onnaloves

just found out why he is so pissed. his advertising is not pulling in students. I’ll have to activate another adset and see if I can get some spending activity.
in the meantime, I am preparing for my ACTUAL ACTUAL I’m gonna do this livestream tomorrow. I need to set up the OBS scenes, playlist of materials and readings. I need to do it because I’m running his zoom meeting and doing the obs screen switching - so tomorrow is just gonna be to see if I can hold a steady stream for 2 hours or more.
His class is 4 hours, I’m gonna be so fucked. but it’s ok, I just need to plan and prepare for everything. if I do it well, he might calm down and not be such a drag.
I’m glad ive done all this journaling because now I have something to scroll through while I stay on track.
I need a shit.

Onnaloves

I was thinking what a rough ride I’ve had this week, and it all started with the flashbacks, and I forgot what triggered them. Wait I remember
BEHIND HER EYES
OMG WHAT A TRIP. Really appreciated seeing that. That combined with some unfortunate timing from my daughter’s side really fucked me up. The flashbacks have been steadily rolling out and I’m studying like mad to distract myself. It’s not working.
ive decided i will go out and play tomorrow. Film it.
my gymnastics rings have arrived so I’m going to enjoy making another trippy spinning video hehehe, this time grounding myself through kinesthetics.
when the world moves fast around me, I am grounded.
HOW to do this while being triggered?
i disnt realize, all my life I had these horrible sensations I would just AVOID. Then, after I took the job, they got worse. Like flashes and burns. Big nasty feels. Paralyzing. Dead brain. Brain on fire. Ears burning arms burning shoulders burning. Heart stopping. Damn. I CANNOT BELIEVE I lived like this.
until, I no longer could.
there was an evolution of symptoms over a period of 8 months. I fought through the burns and carried on.
i did. speeches, won pitches, travelled all over the world. Had a boss who I loved. Who constantly berated me, tore me down, and baited me to keep pulling me in with a future… fuck man. It was awful and I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong… confusion… coming or going. Ghosting. Setting me up to fail. Chastising. Tormenting.
i was feeling the burns at least 20 times a day.
i was jumpy to the point where he made jokes about me jumping.
i craved for something anything the smallest half arsed compliment.. was SOMETHING. But the hit didn’t last long and I would sink. I was going crazy. I felt out of control. Emotions that I couldn’t understand were fucking me up. This is addiction. Not love. I realized he didn’t love me. It was all pretend.
i fell into a deep physical depression after ignoring nerve signs something was wrong. I didn’t know what depression was. I couldn’t shit. I stopped shitting. After a week of not being able to shit I started giving myself enemas.
but they wouldn’t work I just got heavier. I was so desperate to poop I started pulling out my butt in the shower and waffle stomping. Three weeks after my last poop, I collapsed from not shitting. I was in a foreign german speaking hospital full of shit all the way around. It took 3 liters of drinking glue water to liquify that shit and make me get it out. It took a while to empty me, then they gave me some sort of radioactive injection in a big scanning machine. And I had my first seizure.
my hands spasticized and went numb from the scan. The german speaking doctors denied everything and said I was allergic to the gadeloneum or whatever.
after that I had seizures nearly every night.
each time I list more cognition. I spent a month in complete brain fog, by the tome the fog was clearing, my seizures slowed down but I knew some damage was done
and my boss changed after that. He saw me as weak and … dropped me like a hot coal. My wages was slashed. I had no means on surviving now. So I had to plan an escape.
the burns were worse than they had ever been. I lived like a terrified rabbit. Anything would set me off. I wasn’t scared yet my body acted out. My seizures ripped control from my left hand and it was taken over witb anger and would attack me.
fast forward two years and I am talking about shitting in the sunshine.
im serious you know I plan on enjoying a good ahit in the sun.
i have a theory. WHAT IFFFFF, shitting in that familiar bathroom, is making my nervous system act out? Why don’t I treat my nervous system to something nice while I shit? MAAAAAYBE, my nervous system will not spasm like a motherfucker.
listen, a year ago I COULD NOT SQUAT. Now, I squat every day while snipping stomens of grass for my bunnies… and squatting… is the perfect position for a poo. So I had the urge to poop. And I thought… waaaaait a minute… it’s NOT HURTING!?!? Like normally the urge to poop comes with a nasty pain as my poo squirms through the adjacent nerves. It’s like an emotional scar inside where I was raped through childhood and buttfilled with soapy water. There is a muscle wall tear where my guts herniate through my vaginal walls. I’ve never been fixed.
what iffff squatting and taking a shit is a natural painless thing for me to do and actually enjoy? Instead of fear the pain and the anticipation of pain Everytime?
the doctors told me years ago, that my nerves were too deep and calcified, that the electrode treatment in the needles might not work - that deep. They can only be accessed rectally, and it would be a bitch of an experience. So. I left it. I’ve dealt with pain all my life so. I can mitigate it.
but what if I can shit without pain?
this gets me excited so I have to try. I’m gonna take a newspaper slap it on the ground and pray in the sunshine for a good dump. Right infront of the pool. It’s like a fucking ceremony for me. Pray for me tomorrow. I need to find a newspaper to shit on.

Deef

pray in the sunshine for a good dump

I like where this is going, there’s so many shit and shitting metaphors out there, and I think in German they have the most words for it…

I’ve heard that in China squatting toilets are the norm, and still quite common in the country side… I’m also reminded of hearing an interview by the singer Jewel on the armchair expert podcast (I think) where she talked about growing up in Alaska way out in the frontier… and she talked about outhouses and the beauty of shitting in nature and out in the open… then her disturbing reaction when initially switching to indoor bathrooms.

Also I think Freud or some other early psychologist pointed out or speculated that sphincter control is a psychological sign of being a man vs animal.

Having a fucked up and disturbed shitting mechanism.. might be what’s keeping the trauma around… that’s our physical natural toxin purging system… it might also be part of our psychological release or purging mechanism…
disgust is for blocking or vomiting during the intake… shitting is to get it passed out of our system..

Onnaloves

instagram post link

this axon flow map all started when I wanted to determine if the ghosts I live with, and my third perspective has substance or is just a damaged brain.
what I haven’t spelled out in my descriptions is that this MRI was taken 1 month after cluster seizure kept me permanently dissociated into the realm of not only 3rd perspective, but layered in 4th dimension reality. Where I live with ghosts, I could never tell the medical profession because this was a familiar place to me - but they felt that it was symptomatic of psychosis and put me on anti-psychotics which actually made me physically worse. I became a zombie from lack of sleep as I was unable to dream and therefore unable to process reality.
i use sleep differently than most. My subconcious comes to life and makes sense of all the things I felt during the day.
anyway. What I found in the axon mapping of areas that I truly ““feel” during my flip world. Is that my reality is hardwired. The lesions in my brain from the seizures simply put me back into the 4th dimension that saved me as a kid. It was like the CEO of my mind kicked me out and back to my subconcious to listen to the ghosts of the past. Because I was not listening to them, therefore my pained reality was getting cut off.
living among ghosts is not terrifying for me. It feels like a memory that I need to pay attention to instead of ignoring.

Onnaloves

I can’t explain what happened today. I feel different, clearer. Lighter?
The same thing happened in the garden today - the shit sensation with the squatting, only I was unprepared and wanted to bring a box of treats in for the bunnies so had to save it for later. But I stayed in the poopy sensation and thought - I really could do it you know right here on the lawn and shit with no pain whatsoever. I know it.
Then I came indoors and forgot about going to the toilet because I was so excited to lie down with the bunnies while they ate and nuzzled me gratitude.
Today I made a sandwich - I glided through, with only a couple of mistakes mainly from clumsiness. But I recognized the mayonaise, recognized bag of bread, swiftly chucked stuff in the toaster on autopilot. I felt free, for the first time in a while I haven’t had to think about the ingredients, the jars, discern, prioritize, task list and on and on and fuck up, get lost, lose my shit and end up with a soggy pile of leaky food. I made a sandwich - I know that sounds like a tiny thing, but you can’t imagine how hard this is when I struggle to remember what I’m doing in the middle of a task. I space out and just forget I’m even hungry.
Today - I was hungry and knew it. it’s honestly been years.
Normally I start shaking and feel like passing out because of low blood sugar and realize I am so hungry but forgot and missed all the signs until I was crashing.
Another thing - I DID SOME TIDYING AND CLEANING!!! like holy shit 2 things in one day. Normally I tidy, then I clean. I did both at the same time, and it felt so clear. I also found a strategy that got me through doing two tasks at once…
Move everything off the table, and because I can’t remember the next task or where to go to complete it, throw the objects on the table in a polar direction (N<S<E<W>>>) roughly in piles so I can grab a basket for north (bathroom) south (kitchen) E laundry room and West for my wall. it worked and I zoomed through it with half done piles migrating halfway across the room, then into the next and slowly dissipating until they went away.
OK so I now have piles of laundry to do. But I’m so happy!
I tried on my swimsuit today - but it got stuck so I spent bits of time cutting out the lining.
I rigged my gymnastics rings today, so I can start experimenting with spinning.
I saw the lesions on my brain which I’ve been studying for the last few weeks. are located in my weak areas - the one’s I’m generally not good at anyway so they get cut off first by the flip lord at the front of my brain if he thinks I’m not using them.
Things like facial recognition, object recognition, directly associated with the lesions on my brain.
Also, their shape is interesting, they are vascular in origin, meaning, there is a blood flow issue in my brain. this is fascinating to me as the bloodflow lesions are fast to occur, not slow. they can also be a result of immune activity, but, this looks like the lesions happened so fast, that the resulting inflamation triggered more attacks.
I figure if I go spinning, and centrifuge my brain abit, I will force bloodflow to areas that need to heal - but here’s the bonus…
I can actually stay grounded while I’m spinning. Spinning is one way the world dissapears around me, as well as the 4th dimension, and I am for once, sucked into the first perspective.
So, these lesions cutting the flow of energy to the temporal regions of my brain, suffocating those areas, is what is leading to my vestibular out of body, third perspective experience. if I centrifuge that blood flow, not only will I push the blood back into temporal regions, but I will regain my sense of time, ground my memories, ground myself back into first perspective.
Ummmm that’s the idea of the experiment anyway. I’m pretty sure learning to spin, will activate regions of my brain to heal faster.
So far, I’ve been tumbling, bu this is all spinning on the horizontal axis. reinforcing my sense of body through the air, which is actually located dorsally though the midline of the brain. To regain axial control, I need to piroette around - the vertical axis - which I’ve always, always been absolutely RUBBISH AT.
I have an ice skating spinner to help me, I’ll take it out under the rings tomorrow or sunday.
Enough about me - this is all subjective thoughts on how to heal faster. But I’m really happy and something is significantly different today - I hope it stays.

Deef

I felt free, for the first time in a while I haven’t had to think about the …
Today - I was hungry and knew it. it’s honestly been years.

I did both at the same time, and it felt so clear.

But I’m really happy and something is significantly different today - I hope it stays.

Congrats for some dramatic signs of change! Give it some more time, but I’m cautiously optimistic..

Onnaloves

Deef I noticed the change this afternoon when I hadn’t crashed asleep so far like every day this week. I’ve slept a lot during the day.
ive also been doing mirror writing and anything to force the uptake between right to left. I know I am back to front with the sensations in my head and this has to be more homogeneous.
anyway, it’s late. Just had another fight with him lol he is too demanding even when I do the best I can. I shouted at him then went off to bed.
i don’t feel bad but at the same time it’s sad. Why does he have to be such a brat? 1:30 at night asking me technical questions about website stuff that he assumes I can just do.
it’s wrong. It’s innapropriate, it takes me for granted, at a stupid time of night, offloading panic stress onto me because his price point isn’t working. At 1:30 at night.
i just feel kinda sorry for him, to be so fucking helpless at 1:30 in the morning at 67 years old.

like. I am the web girl. Just tell me to do more stuff past my wind down time. Innapropriate inconsiderate stressed out panic crazy offloader.
im testing out a theory of not using the word narc to describe him. Even though everything about these 10 years of marraige says that he is.
So when I use words instead of a label, it makes me realize why I’m so pissed off.
i also realize I’m one step closer to clearing the angst from inside me when I can properly describe my limits - I identify that I don’t want to be asked dumb internet questions in my leisure/wind down time. And I don’t want to be used as a battering ram for his stress levels.
so. Damn I identified two things that piss me off -and can roll back a number of nights where this happens. It won’t from now on. I’ll deflect.
the hand drag thing was a desperation thing. That won’t work every time but he didn’t like it. So maybe I’ll use it more and just yank him when he starts at me. Hahahaha
im not bitching- I’m just trying to figure out my boundaries and figure out the best responses to stop me getting pissed off and stricken with seizures again.
my hands are recovering from the last one, and I really don’t want to be getting used to this, there’s a danger that chronic recurrent seizures can turn into schizophrenia and decline with my family history, plus, it’s just not good to keep insulting flip lord at the front. My immune system will turn on me.
im hopeful I have made progress, and not worried if it regresses, I know the gradient has started to improve or at least I’m at an inflection point.

by the way I am fire snake. I learned a bit about the elements so I’m really grateful for that deef. Fire fits me pretty well 🤣😂🤣

Onnaloves

Fuuuuuuuck I had one of the most stupidest dreams ever last night. I’m dumbfucked.
I was shagging Madonna in a rubber catsuit in my primary school. She had a little dick and was all covered up in rubber. So I was shagging a woman with a little dick, and my husband was laughing in hysterics somewhere in the background.
we were shagging in my primary school, and my husband was off somewhere teaching a zoom class where the students were heckling him. He replied ““but I have a baby dinosaur”
“well then let’s see it then!”
ok - so he lets the baby dinosaur out but it wasn’t a baby dinosaur anymore it was big like a rhino chasing his students through the halls. They thought it was gonna kill them. I’m still shagging Madonna.
the baby dinosaur had them cornered and suddenly a tentacle radar thing flips out of its head and it played mind control games with my husbands film students.
they couldn’t stop their left hands from Shikoku creeping into their mouths and making them vomit. They dropped to their knees and sobbed while they were forced to eat their vomit by the baby dinosaur.
they were stuck in a cycle of sobbing and vomiting while their left hands scooped it up and forced it into their mouths.
my husband was belly laughing so loud.
i woke up with a start from the weirdest dream in my life and told my husband. He laughed his ass off so bad this morning.
background: he is a film producer. He’s made films about baby dinosaurs. The film industry is full of Narcs and BPD divas. They are his clients.
i was banned from listening to music, it was sinful. My mother caught me once stuck in a trance when I caught Madonna on TV on top of the pops toying with men in a pvc catsuit.
i was shunned to my room and called a slut, whore, bitch on heat all the usual while telly was turned off and my mother raged in the house in her psychopath.
this dream was so fucked up im stunned 😦

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