Onnaloves visuals

Onnaloves

Fuck. Ugh. Tested out the Medusa with the new silicone and I BURST IT. It cracked and split all down the side. So I can’t use the harder silicone in the skins. Ok, redesigning the mold to accommodate adding extra tapers with soft silicone and reverting back to entirely soft silicone.

Ughhhhh

And my hoohaa is sore again. I ordered a special lube to help my pussy and have some estrogen cream. One thing about making these sex toys is that I can now actually look at myself with a Medusa in. And it looks really really cool 😈

Onnaloves

It’s day 7 of fasting now? It seems so normal to me to NOT HAVE TO STRUGGLE after eating. Infact, keith is no longer sitting with me when I eat because he can’t schedule according to my routine. So we eat separately which is fine by me, but he is really upset about it. He says he will make a special effort to eat when I eat. Whatever.
This shit is really working for me. The eczema on my face is drying out. It’s now all over my arms and most of my face. It’s itchy and painful as fuck. But now the dryness is an issue with the pain.

I’ve been redesigning the mold today. Sculpting. OH and I started the new medication - Aderal - I felt nothing happen. But actually I haven’t crashed today. That would be the first time since I can’t remember. I’ve had patchy days where I could manage not crashing. But today, I worked solid from 11am to 9pm. And took a lunch break at 2pm and haven’t eaten since. I don’t even feel hungry. It’s as though my body knows I’m not relenting and giving in, so it’s just adapted instead.
And, wait, I managed to do two hours straight of engraving work? So is this adderall the missing thing I need? Hmmmm
So, it seems to me that since I’ve been on DRUGS for the last 3 months? 4 months? I’ve really grown an awareness, and lost a bunch of memory, aswell as recalled some really tragic turning points in my life. I’ve changed? I’m me, but it’s as though I have changed personality completely. Like seriously, the person I was before, EVEN BEFORE I was traumatized, had this kind of… victim patheticness. When I look back at that, I squirm. I had no guts. I seems to walk around constantly ready to jump out of my skin.

That’s all gone

And what’s up with Keith. I think there is something wrong but I can’t put a finger on it. Maybe it’s just me being aware.

Onnaloves

I’m getting scans this week! Yey finally. I went and did some more research to find out if the marker in my blood results could be anything else…
I found a differential diagnosis tool that uses ratios of blood panels to diagnose the tumor marker against autoimmune disease.
I looked at my panel, and the ratio is concerned only with, eosinophils, globulin, hemoglobin, AND the Ca19-9 cancer marker.
To be honest my ratios fit the cancer spectrum, better than the autoimmune spectrum. But my symptoms match either with exception to the two masses I can feel. I’m at a loss now, I’m thinking, if this is autoimmune, I could self manage with coimbra protocol. But if it really is cancer I have to get my energy levels up somehow. The adderall actually seems to be doing that either way. I’m just concerned that long term use can actually damage my brain, shrink the emotional nucleus even more, and leave me in a constant depressed state without a chance of coming back without the drug.
Addiction. In other words, where the body and mind adapt and cannot survive without. Ugh. I’ll test the adderall out for a few more days then after the scan I’ll go without and just see if I can manage without.

I’m thinking whatever is wrong with me they have to excise these masses. Which is a problem I don’t want to have either way. Unless they could possibly shrink? Anyway. I’ve actually not been thinking about the C-word much because the fasting actually feels good. Completely natural and normal for me to not eat in the evenings, I enjoy the pangs of hunger and the smell of Keith’s cooking because the smell of cooking before made me nauseous - and now it doesn’t. I can just enjoy the smell of food. Keith is nervous obviously eating without me at his desk and asking me over and over if I’m hungry, apologetic infront of me. But I reassure him, this is a breeze compared to what I’ve been feeling before. It doesn’t feel even like “new normal” it just feels right. And this whole huge meal at the end of the day was killing me before. Now my pancreas is taking a huge break and it’s sighing relief already.
So I reassure him the abstinence actually feels rewarding to me and I enjoy the smell of food alone.
And while he eats I sit there sculpting instead.
I’m burping less.

Onnaloves

I accidently buttdialed my daughter, who immediately returned the call in the middle of her night … to ask what was happening. I apologized for butt dialing her and the screen was black and there was another voice chiding me. It was Zoë, both daughters are together and out of their fathers house, in a town outside of Plymouth. He doesn’t know or doesn’t care where they are and hasn’t reached out to either of them.
I apologized to Zoë who was listening for not calling her - because I was engrossed in sex toy development which i don’t think she would appreciate hearing about… they both crack up.
MUM!
Well I’m sore from my experimentations and I’m nursing myself with estrogen cream, and redesigning part of the Medusa so it doesn’t burst under abusive conditions. I can’t release a product unless I’ve thoroughly tested it, and will appreciate feedback from either of them.
MUM!!
See, I knew you wouldn’t like to hear about it.
MUM. My boyfriend is next to me.
Oh hello Chris, sorry I embarrassed you Anja.
Well you are my MOTHER so what else would I expect. And there was a gaggle of laughter on the other end, all of them in the dark in the same room.

I sent them some money over the weekend which I drew out from OnlyFans. So hey, pounding myself has become a breadwinner for all of us. Can’t wait until you take over the business girls so I don’t have to do any of this.

At which point they said goodnight! And I love you BYE. Heh. Teenagers. Oh wait. Anja is 21. Zoë is turning 19 this year. They are angry inside themselves that they have never met their mother, inspite of sacrificing their lives for a father who has abandoned them.

I have a lot of repair work to do. Keith has rerun the cashflow based on upping the Medusa price to $350. Basically we’ve been talking with the oackage designer- who happens to have done the packaging for another sex toy, and he says mine completely blows their one away, and they price it at $325. For a crystal yoni egg.

What the fuck.

Who is going to pay $325 for a lump of jade to stick in your pocket? Well, apparently they do quite well because I print all their packaging Leiman replied.

Infact, Leiman also suggested it should be priced at $500. Women need this, AND it is art, and therefore it should be priced accordingly he said.
I’m still dumbfucked. So after a bit of lecturing from Leiman on where he placed our brand, I was happy to price it at $500, but Keith is dumbfounded even at $200 (not forgetting he is after all -male) so, he relented and went to $350…
And it’s made the cashflow projection MUCH easier. I’ll just offer a coupon to all the ladies that have supported me. Back door pricing for advocates.

And if you think about it. Consider myself, had i had this sex toy available to me, after the birth of my children, and looking for intimacy for myself, if there were such a device… I would use it. Heck. I’d pay $1000 for it. And I can’t be alone in this. Because I have desperately needed this all my life. Having not had anything BUT duty sex and rape. I had completely lost intimacy with myself…

Then Christian came along didn’t he. And THAT fucked me right up. Because LUST is powerful to be misused and turned into emotional addiction. Fucking bastard. I have never felt lust quite like it ever before and the cold Turkey of abandoning lust to save my body and mind, was the worst experience of my life.

I really thought that this lusty feeling was LOVE and romance. But I was completely wrong. THAT is addiction, and I will never lust over anyone again.

I have all I need. Even though the pangs of loss still hit me even now. Love? I still don’t know how to feel it. I guess I love keith, but I rarely tell him. When I do, I mean it, but I feel nothing. Which sucks.

I love my daughters, but I cannot do much for them, except of course COME BACK to full strength and show them I can succeed against all odds. So that’s what I’ll just do. Sometimes I wish I could feel what Love is. But I’m not sure ever. Intellectually I know, but I just don’t feel any attachment to anything or anyone. I am not intending to sound cruel. But the truth is, I never really miss anyone. Except. Lust.

Onnaloves

Woke up on day 8 of fasting experiment. And looked in the bathroom mirror to apply the steroid cream… the skin on my entire body has dried up the blisters. Like overnight, there is only a feint shadow of redness, and the raised areas are gone, leaving tiny brown marks peppered in the affected regions. I was so used to seeing the awful raised hives ravaging even my ears, that I had actually lost hope of this going away anytime soon.

Next I was having my coffee per usual with my bloody pharmacy collection, and I was as surprised… as I could FEEL MY TABLETS. My fingers have been numb for some time, leading to clumsiness and things flicking and jumping out of my pincers and subsequent disasters, I was almost getting used to the constant dropping shit, and flying shit, when this morning… I literally felt my tablets with nimbleness that I remember from before…

The numbness has a way to go, like my 3rd and 4th finger are still numb as fuck, but regaining the forefinger and part of my thumb is a massive difference that’s noticeable in the face of absence in the other digits.

Something happened overnight? Is this a coincidence since starting adderall? Is the extra adrenaline, dopamine and amping enough to kick my system back on course? Remember what the fuck it’s supposed to do and self correct?

I’m curious, if drugs won’t be needed for the rest of my misbehaving body and I just follow the idea of amping up my energy levels. - which requires pushing for a faster metabolism all around… which means, adding a challenging layer of exercise to my daily routines. But it has to be consistent, like I’m training to be ready for a sprint at any moment. Or kinda more with it cool and prepared and rejuvenated for any necessary James Bond moment.

Hmmm. How can I do this? Maybe I should incorporate my handstand training with weighted ankles and repetition rather than relaxation to create faster muscle memory and strength - which is all about amping to the next level rather than just focus on balance. Or maybe I should pump up my acro mattress and go back to doing floor acro, dance moves! MUSIC! That works! I only like the electronic kind other stuff especially vocal songs just irritates the fuck out of me. Keith and I couldn’t be more opposite in his taste for music and my general distain for it.

I literally hate jazz radio. It’s the most irritating thing for my brain ever.

Speaking of which, I had the weirdest dream, of Keith being all worried and overreacting and getting himself tested for multiple panels and stuff. Only to determine he has a marker for Alzheimer’s. That’s weird. I wonder if this explains his weird behavior?

That his logic seems to have gone, and he seems to be overwriting MY EXPERIENCE OF INTERACTION WITH HIM constantly, on an almost daily basis, I’m noticing his false memory thing pop up. And it IS NOTICEABLE. Take for example his recent flourish into organizing the packaging:

We agreed that every package going out should have a wet-signed notelet, that was folded and provided a special experience with a wax seal that had to be broken. I have engraved the seal stamper, that gets impressed into the wax, after a lengthy discussion using rulers and print outs of the exact emblem size, to reach an agreement of the size of seal we are using.

Due to Leiman’s lead time to print the box sleeves, we are opting for a placeholder box wrapping of tulle glued and sealed in place with a larger wax seal, which I showed keith, both stampere of two different sizes that I had made out of green resin. Sitting on his desk. It’s that obvious.

Yesterday I handed him an example design on my e-ink pad (the remarkable mono drawing tablet) which had our calligraphy logo, a series of drawings illustrating usage of the Medusa, and a handwritten note explain care instructions, personal serial number and space for their id number and wet signature.

I handed this to keith and he thought this was going to be printed on the box or in a card.
NO, it’s for the sealed notelet.
What notelet?
I LITERALLY COULDNT BELIEVE. So I grabbed a piece of paper off his desk. FOLDED IT IN THREE. Then MIMED ME STAMPING IT WITH A SEAL.
What are you doing?
IM STAMPING. Wax! (My speech has gone momentarily because the disbelief has turned into anger at him for wasting my time with constant re-explanations, and miming and general effort to go over everything again and again on different occasions)
My words stucco, jammer up, and I’m clearly fustrated. I can’t explain anymore so I continue to mime.
Alright alright he snaps at me!
(Now he’s attacking me) I thought that blah blah blah blublublubbbububbububbb. I can’t even hear him now because honestly the shit that comes from his mouth is like listening to a broken record player. Ridiculous shit.
I thought you were making seals for the box?
NO, IM MAKING BOTH BECAUSE LEIMAN CANT PRINT ON TIME!
Ok ok ok ok! (He shuts me down)
It’s like he has NO MEMORY OF our numerous discussions of the tactile experience of breaking open a personalized letter.

Zero.

Like the idea didn’t exist.
AND IT WAS HIS FUCKING IDEA!!!

That’s what made me mad. On top of that him acting like I am the crazy one because he didn’t understand what I was folding and miming infront of him with my fist stamp. IT WAS BIZZARE. And this is happening EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. And the worst is HE ATTACKS ME, accusing me of repeating shit, and being angry and ugly with him.

He is pissing me right off. I don’t know how to reveal to him that he is having a serious more than forgetful but whole event rewriting issue. False memory. And attacking me daily for it.

Onnaloves

I really don’t know what to do or say about Keith’s weird behavior. His reality is different from mine, yet there is only one truth. The strange thing is, if I brings anything up he snaps at me and says I’m the one with mental issues.

So how do you tell someone that they need to be aware of REAL mistakes they could be making? I’m getting examples every day of his weirdness which maybe I should write down.

Example today: I need a swivel clamp so I can work double handed on syringing medusae, and it needs to be rotating around a 45 degree axis.

I’m struggling. This struggle has caused me multiple fails and quality issues. How many months in are we? So I made a list of favorite styles that would work for me and I showed them on my phone to him. Short term immediate need. Long term professional want.

My ideal is the bonsai rotating work table. I’ll be able to motorize it using belts and gears which would be awesome. It would help me so much.

But. Keith 1.) absolutely could not understand my concept no matter how hard I tried. I even grabbed the goosnecked side lamp and said this is what I DONT want it to do; Tilt and make big circles I have to chase with my syringe. This is what I DO want it to do and I straightened out the head and rotated it at an inclined angle. Then Keith actually got angry and snappy with me and told me he had enough snap snap snap and dismissed me.

I have asked for permission to spend on a turntable since well before Christmas. And it’s like starting over every time I ask. If he says yup cashflow allows $200 I’ll just get the bonsai swivel tilt work table. If cash is tight, I’ll get the bench top swivel tilt vice clamp for $25 and rig up a mounting post with sponges on the end to hold the flexible molds.

So there’s that.

Maybe I should write down ALL these events so I have a record, and somehow broach the topic with him. But I don’t know how. Will it make his life easier? Or mine? It will only make a difference to me I guess. As he seems completely oblivious to the shit he causes.

Yesterday with the e-ink pad. Was really bad. He even suggested that he could photograph the digital pad on high resolution and contrast, so we could make a print of the handwritten note with all the usage drawings….

Wait for it… UMMMM THIS THING is DIGITAL. I just send the file by WIFI to the printer… and he didn’t quite believe me. He then started arguing and saying is it high resolution though? Dear god, really?

And it reminded me of the “black and white scanner” incident. HIM INSISTING he wants to photograph a lithographic print, to get full colour high resolution blah blah. And I’m like WE CAN JUST SCAN IT? then I don’t have stitching problems? And he argued with a good amount of scorn leering at me. Shaking his head like “ohh nonononono you stupid girl”
“This thing is only in black and white”
I’m pretty sure it isn’t.
“You’re mistaken it’s a black and white scanner, it doesn’t do colour”
And so on. Until he became quite angry then dismissed me. All the kind of things he accuses me of funnily enough. And this is not the same as DENIAL. He is genuinely IN AN EMOTIONAL BELIEF SYSTEM THAT HE. IS. RIGHT.
I get nervous to even mention when I have hiccups in my development, like I had to say when he noticed the eczema- but once again that turned into a panic fest of lawsuit encounters from women with fucked up vaginas blaming us…

I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I can’t negotiate with him. Definitely can’t “educate him” or even casually let him know the facts and come up with an idea by himself. However, so far I only get weird suggestions from Keith, really weird, like he refuted the table top vice just now because he said he wouldn’t trust the table. From what? “Those suckers never work” so, in his experience of bathroom suckers clattering off the wall, the TABLE TOP VICE isn’t good enough because it has suckers on it - that might do what to the table? Exactly? I can’t even wrap my head around how he thinks like this literally. I mean I get it now, but it’s bizarre.

More:
Remember when I filmed the massive vaccination project. And a lady approached the car and told me not to film. Well I ignored her, completely. It’s my right to film from the car and that’s that. BUT OH NO. Keith started chastising me and he amped up fairly quick like literally shouting at me to put my phone down. BECAUSE HE, WAS TRIGGERED. She was incorrect and out of her bounds. And he felt burned because the last time I got this sensation from him, weirdly enough, was years ago at a public pool, and I asked Keith to hold my underwater camera. Then the LIFEGUARD approached Keith and TOLD HIM TO NOT FILM UNDERWATER because there were children and he didn’t want parents making a complaint.

Yup. Keith was accused of being a peado. And I could sense his inert yet seething outrage. His mood didn’t change for the rest of the day. It super upset him to be told he was a leery old man. Super gross.

And he brought that same terror into the car with him and dumped it all over me while I was wowed with the massive vaccination Programme.

He was supposed to order boxes ages ago. But each day he asks me again what colour tissue paper. What size boxes. And still hasn’t ordered.

Oh the Chinese cookie moon cake press incident. The pettiest of all fights. That was utterly ridiculous.

The vacuum cleaner, can’t be charged because he lost the charger when he last charged it. So now I have to buy another special charger at $60. - hint, never buy Rowenta again.

Oh! Safety equipment. LMAO he was telling me this and that isn’t good enough - and kept clicking through and looking at chemical gloves… can you imagine me fighting with chunky chemical gloves?
But in a moment of petty relinquishing, OH BUT JYST GET WHATEVER YOU WANT. i don’t care.

Which means I’m stupid if I get the thin nitrile gloves I need.

And the list goes on. Changes I made to the Medusa which he doesn’t understand and questions me for in an inquisition manner regarding FAIL FAIL FAIL instead of the improvement I’ve done.

The last failure and bursting of Medusa got him on a tangent of writing a legal disclaimer through a lawyer. Or maybe checking material quality. Complaining to the silicone manufacturer? Shit, you know all I needed was a design change because it has the wrong material properties. “BUT WHY DISNT YOU KNOW THAT BEFORE WE SPENT“

Ugh.

OH. Now he’s flipping off about my adderall. He says it’s dangerous and the side affects are all the symptoms I’m already having! But, when he asked me this morning how I feel about adderall, I said, it’s strange, I’m tracking things better. I am aware of time, where I wasn’t before. And even though I was busy doing stuff, not being aware of time is still unproductive and inefficient at best.

Interesting huh. I didn’t mention that definitely on this adderall, I’m becoming more aware of Keith and his fucked up reality. Oh. MAYBE THATS THE EXCUSE I NEED TO BROACH IT TO HIM? BLAME THE ADDERALL…
Oh that would be hilarious.

Onnaloves

I washed my hair this evening. It’s sitting on my thighs when standing in the shower. I never noticed it got so long. Mainly because I wear it braided and looped up. I was combing out my hair in the mirror and saw a flash. I thought maybe it was the light, but it stayed, and followed the comb… I looked closer, and another hair has changed colour. I have never seen my hair this colour before. It is BRIGHT COPPER RED. And the change happened from the growth length about 2 and a half months ago.

I couldn’t see any other flashes but this is crazy, my hair? Turning bright red? It’s unbelievable. I thought the white was pretty impressive, but red? Wow.

Ive been spending hours in my lab, cleaning and organizing while I’m trying to subdue the dermatitis. The eczema reaction is now peeling, and it’s really gross like flaking everywhere. So kinda good job I am wearing a mask most days. I’m prepping the lab for the insurance brokers to come and visit. They are pretty friendly and impressed, and just want to see how the hell I’ve done this.
So I made signs for every workstation, 12 in total, plus inventory labels. Everything from incoming inventory, pouring, silicone usage log, casting area, rotocasting and centrifuge machine, controlled resin mixing station, including pigments mixing, makeshift curing cabinet made from a re-purposed dishwasher, prototyping bench for electronics and clean assemblies like mold heaters and junction boxes for transformers and power splitters; master mold storage, submasters, and mold inventory, cutting booth (dirty area) to keep dust out of the lab, demolding and inspection desk, plus all the racks are labeled from dies and types of sculpting clays, to plastics for melting, armature wires, coating area for release wax, and klearkote spraying, disposable supplies, separated waste management- because I’m recording waste weight from all flashing and mixing cup pulls, to keep effiency at its highest.

So I’m pretty proud of my lab. This is literally home and my dream workplace. Keith was asking me why I labeled all the workstations and racks. I thought that was obvious? Just I want to instill good practice and keep in mind optimizing material movement through the lab. So the signs will help me determine if I’ve got the best set-up, for a newcomer, assistant, visitor, and even for housekeeping for Keith and myself. Isn’t that obvious?
If I ever get an understudy assistant, this will help.
Wow I’ve done lots today! That adderall must be responsible for this shift in organization ability. I’m feeling odd like my past was a different and unpalatable version of myself. I don’t even like who I once was. But I didn’t know any better. I just keep kicking myself and maybe I shouldn’t, but it’s been a few months of cringey flashbacks and although it seems to be calming down, the strange flashbacks still come and leave me feeling unsettled. Like a sort of annoying itch in my thoughts I’ve got to scratch my brain out from the cringe.
OH I realize where I’m feeling the adderall effect… it seems to be coronal running around the temporal region and parietal. Another dumbbell shape I feel working laterally across my brain.
I wonder if anyone else feels the sensations and charge like I do? Or am I a lonely electric eel that will never know or meet anyone who understands what I try to explain. Sensations that don’t have a vocabulary attributed to them is rather annoying. Like no one thought to have these feelings ascribed meaning or even exist!
So do these sensations exist? Or is this one of my odd kinetic- gravitational sensory perceptions that are somehow interpreted as flow density in my body and beyond.
Extra sensory perception. I think it does exist, but not in the way “typical people” use vocabulary to describe. For example shit like telepathetic (!) telepathic, empath, telekinesis, yawwwwn. No it doesn’t feel anything like that.
It feels the same way you feel when you press a magnet together and you feel this force. It feels like that. And it gets stronger for me when I dip into it and focus on it, like listening to your toe, or pretending to write words using imaginary handwriting.

This shit feels like stuff to me, and I think as a result of feeling this shit, I have no room for understanding the conjuction of sensations that represent emotion.

Instead, there are levels of excitement, which are more or less in different shapes of the brain, different ripples like echoes, and that crackling dotting. The dotting sensation is the weirdest to me, it gets more recognizable at night, and it always starts from the back and moves forward, dotting so fast around 30hz to begin with, and then, slowing down to around 4 hz, then I am asleep, and my dreams take me to emotional memories of the days explorations. Conjuring examples of a theatre of scenarios to attribute the same feelings from that day.

Trying to map using existing patterns of memory, what those emotions are to categorize them as either something to throw out, or something to keep… if only I knew of other people that understand what I also understand. This strange universal language of the body and it’s experiences, bounced around like a helpless cell in the organism of the universe.

Onnaloves

Ohhhh Boy. Day of Scans tomorrow. No joke I’m booked into the medical center from 11 am, until 4pm. They have organized all the scans to be done at once using the same contrast. I hope I can hold long enough before I need to pee.

Still keep thinking how surreal this is. A cancer marker? Didn’t even know the doctor had ordered it. Shock. And suddenly all the weeeeird symptoms falling into place. The skin problems, the crashing, the occasional vomit. The general discomfort which I have managed to ramp down in the last week!

I feel whatever it is, has stopped doing whatever it’s doing, because my symptoms are very different compared to two weeks ago.

I still get noise inside. I still have pencil poops. I still have abdominal congestion, distention, and oily stinky poops. But no pressure, and no nausea anymore.

The pocket behind my sigmoid that makes it difficult to pass poop is not swollen at the moment. It was bad a few weeks ago and I decided to stop eating chilli or doing anything that has intolerance related to it, just imcase I was triggering my own discomfort.

So surreal. Cancer? Huh. One more thing I have to fight through. The other possibility is that it’s auto immune pancreatitis… but unfortunately the blood curves don’t match that pattern ratio; they match cancer.

And maybe that’s why the doctor hasn’t called me in two weeks, just awaiting the scans. Ugh.

What if they really can’t see it? What if it has spread already? Fuck. This has been a long 2 weeks, but I’ve mostly kept busy until today.

Im proud of my lab. Took a quick story video to show people what I’m up to. My face isn’t as red as it has been. Oop. Wrote too soon. I am nauseated right now.

Well. Whatever it is, I have the treatment plan ready to go. I’ll get through this. I have a mission lol.

Onnaloves

There was an intruder today. So sick of this. I was in the lab prepping the rotocaster, when I noticed a woman standing at the window peering in on her phone. The gates are 7ft tall and locked. The only way she could have come in is by a bar taken out of the fence behind a bush. She’s been here before, I thought. I opened the door and engaged her and shouldn’t. She was aggressive and filming me asking who I was and what I was doing here.

The house we are situated in has been abandoned for over a decade and is in deep ruination. It has a history of drug dealers and people cooking meth. One day a black woman and a man just MOVED IN and the pool guy noticed me called the owner. The black woman refused to leave and the police couldn’t do anything about it, until the owner went away and came back with the title deed.

Apparantly the black woman es known for fraud but no arrests were made. Well, I think it’s her. She’s aggressive and a professional scam artist. I yelled for keith who slammed the door shut on her and demanded she leave. I went back to work, but i should have got my phone out to record the whole thing. I’ve just been avoiding to take my phone downstairs with me.

Please. I really don’t want any drama in my life. I just want to finish my 1st series production molds. I want to start selling. And there’s something being thrown at me it seems every day. OH ADDERALL - no crashing today. Probably because of the intruder incident. I felt it come, but I was able to fight through it and carry on in my lab after the incident.

Onnaloves

Ha! Guess what I just did… Keith is freaked the fuck out. Obviously the cancer biomarker is having a chronic effect on him because he’s blaming himself for not getting me to a doctor sooner etc. but I didn’t even know that they were testing for it.
I told him, biomarkers have to be requested on suspicion, they don’t just do that in general exam or on a whim. Take for example your constant runny nose. Did you know they can do a PCR test to for early detection of Alzheimer’s?
WHAT?
Yeh. Apparantly chronic runny nose is one of the common and early symptoms of Alzheimer’s and other brain diseases they can test for with 80% specificity of type, and 80% accuracy. Same as my bio marker for cancer.
WAIT? So NOW I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ALZHEIMERS? - and he freeeeeaked out. He said oh, I mentioned my runny nose to the doc.
Yes but you didn’t complain about it, even though it’s been bothering you all year. You have to ask for the PCR test. They can test 4 different biomarkers for various ratios signaling cancer, brain injury, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and more. Exactly the same way they look at ratios in my blood to determine likelihood of cancer.
And it sunk in. He was earlier belittling the test result, saying I am not a diagnostician and wouldn’t be able to interpret those results… but now, he understands ratios of key changes all within normal ranges but alongside the biomarker - can indicate cancer or auto immune disease. Hence the 80% likely hood of my results being cancer. And the remaining 20% being autoimmune disorder. So either way it’s shit news coming. And I’m prepared.

I do know my own body. And now that I am aware of where to feel out without touching and just closing my eyes and sensing, I can see the black hole of something missing, even blocking parts of my flow.

So. Keith is calling the doc tomorrow to get this PCR test. YESSSSSS! He just googled it. 4 biomarkers in one panel. Bingo. He wants to check out if there is something going on… which, I’m pretty sure there is.

But being aware, means you CAN FIGHT IT. I’m pretty sure that’s most of the battle, knowing it, and what it needs to grow, and just - STARVING IT OUT.
Hence I’m enjoying the fasting. With every hunger pang of something nice to eat, my body gets impatient and excretes ketones after 5 hours of hunger, when it thinks it’s going to exhaust it’s glucose supply. So if I am fasting for 15 hours of a day, my body is going to start looking at fat reserves to break down, releasing more stem cells in the form of adipose immune cells, and these BRAND NEW CELLS, are not lazy like the rest of the immune system. If I target the fat tissue around my upper abdomen, so that it breaks down first… then I will produce glial type cells in close proximity to this parasite thing.
To target those fatty areas is easy, for the upper abdomen requires as much chest opening challenges as possible. For the lower bowel, as many leg extensions possible that will engage the psoas muscle to start feeding from its nearby mesentary, releasing those same adipose trapped stem cells, right in the region of my sigmoid. THEN, when Ketosis is fully underway, the ketones all the body to consume itself wherever it is not being used. I,e, use the tumors as supply.

It is a common thing that when a human cadaver is opened up, you see the fatty apron is misshapen in some individuals. The mesentary is mostly an unknown organ to medical knowledge, but it is actually the second brain of the body. And when the organs and viscera are in trouble, it consumes itself and draws itself around the pathogenesis to protect the rest of the viscera from any metastasization.
You will see a mesentary bunch up to one side for colon cancer, you will see the mesentary hitched up for liver and stomach diseases.

And the mesentary is peculiar because, the autonomic system functions through it. It is packed with axons. Just like the brain. it has its own neurons… it will sacrifice itself to protect other organs, and nobody quite knows why or how. But it is commonly seen in the bodies of those who passed away from such diseases, that a non uniform apron of curly kale, has somehow pulled itself and adhered to the culprit organ.

Onnaloves

OMG I FEEL AWFUL. Just had two doses of radiation IV for two scans, in addition to that disgusting milkshake. The scans were easy. Except I now feel fucking dreadful.

I felt the IV contrast enter my brain like a heavy liquid that made my head feel like it was going to go through the head cradle and burst out my ears. I don’t know if people feel as much as I do, but jeez, I think I’m going to throw up. Trying to hold back and not make a violent scene.

My pancreas hates me. And my guts are broken lol. Ugh. And this is just the beginning of what’s to come. Fuck. I don’t do well with nausea. Give me pain, I can cope with that, but nausea leaves me completely dysfunctional. I’m going to be wrecked for the rest of the day. FUCK.

Oh. Trying to distract myself. Had a dream of pulling a gun on yesterdays intruder. She had a very different reaction. That was good. Makes me wonder at the plight and depths we are in; living in an abandoned house full of disrepair and non-functioning amenities. Living off a single hot plate with concrete floors and broken switches and sockets. Without any income since I lost my job and since the pandemic squashed out any potential film business for Keith. Surviving off credit and living hunkered down keeping a low profile…

And then, can you imagine? BOOM A new business given birth from the only decorated room in the house, with makeshift machinery and a barrel of goop. It’s something to be really proud of.

I had to submit a company NAICS number to the bank. So I looked at the only competitor I have - bad dragon - who make creature dildos. And I saw their earnings and employees …

$100 MILLION A YEAR with a few dozen employees

Fuuuuuuuuuck

Onnaloves

Ok just ran to the toilet and pooped BARIUM MILKSHAKE OMG I FEEL SO ILL. Pissed three times. But my pancreas is super hating me and I am going to have to live on a public toilet for the next hour.

Just think about growing a $100 million dollar business. Wait, I was just anticipating hitting my first million before I die LOL. Now I have to stick around to reach a hundred million? LMFAO.

That’s a fuck load of medusas. Lemme calculate.
Shit. The have to sell a thousand a day to turn over a hundred million. That’s a fuck of a lot of so called artisan dildos.

And mine is a serious upgrade from a phallic instrument. I only have to sell 500 a month (30 a day) to reach $10 million. Now I’m thinking tens of millions. I cannot fathom turning over this amount of money. I have never seen so many zeros in my bank account and kinda dread the thought actually.

They finished the tests, I’m having radioactive diarrhea and trying not to puke. This is bad. Feel really awful. Thought tests were supposed to be the easy part.

Onnaloves

I don’t know how I’m going to cope with this. I barely got home hardly able to walk from the nausea. Staggered upstairs hauling myself up the bannister. Felt like death on the toilet, everything is numb from the stomach cramping. I look Yellow. And I’m feeling really really ill right now
Barely can move

Onnaloves

Well this is weird. I joined two groups on Facebook to learn about living with either autoimmune pancreatitis, or pancreatic cancer. Guess which group is the nicer bunch of people?

The cancer group are about the most positive NICE group, with all kinds of experiences and confronting end of life goals. The pancreatitis group however… not meaning to sound obnoxious… they are the most miserable group of whiners I’ve ever read.

OMG. It seems AIP, is the WORST disease to live with, and quality of life is just shite. Whereas cancer? I don’t see anyone complaining. It’s really kinda eye opening. At first gloss i thought maybe the AIP people are more scared than the PC group. But what you have to remember is that AI diseases in general are an overstimulated immune system, usually aggravated by maladaptive coping mechanisms leading to a chronic complainer, whiner, worrier.

Whereas cancer is a sluggish immune system that isn’t active enough to recognize the mutant cells. Most patients present with Major Depressive Disorder, prior to being diagnosed with Cancer… they are sluggish, slim, sleep disordered people who just can’t figure out their crashing. But the AIP group, they are a pretty unhealthy group in general, I couldn’t help but notice that many were complaining about rapid weight loss, who were already slightly overweight or on the bulky side in the first place.

I can’t fathom the difference in personalities. It makes sense but I just didn’t expect it to be so clear.

Anyway, the PC group are actually a very positive group to be in, even though there are announcements of members who have passed, it’s good to be straightforward about mortality. I just don’t think the chronic complainers are there yet maybe?

Recovered from yesterday, oh boy that was rough. Was not expecting that at all. But I checked the side effects and for some people they can be severe, so thank god I thought. My pancreas hates me but not entirely just yet hah.

Eldest daughter called me today to find out how it went. I had nothing to report because she has a phobia of hospitals anyway, and the last thing I want is to give her ammunition for never going near a hospital. I told her about the nurse holding my hand all the way through. How they were infact such nice people. I had an immediate reaction which I could not control and was not allowed to drink water because it would have affected the barium contrast coating my guts. So they kept me from passing out by forcing me to flex muscles constantly and piling ice packs on me. The technician said it was normal for some people to react because of extremely low blood pressure and youth. Indicating they thought I was young for this procedure. And my BP was 100 / 60 which was actually a bit higher than last time.

The gut distention usually sucks away blood pressure, I often go below 80 and it causes my heart to drag. Apart from the awful sickness and passing out fight! I’m actually pretty healthy! although I have been getting a few nosebleeds lately. No reason, I just start pouring blood, and I miss the occasional splat on the floor to clean up.

I still feel like I’m falling apart lol. Every day I spend is like a timing challenge. How many pours can I do before I crash? Will my adderall work? Can I fucking see what I’m doing. It’s so weird having to suddenly grab glasses - I bought a few pairs from the dollar shop and leave them dotted around the house for moments when I can’t see shit. I’ve bought eye drops to help lubricate my eyes and somehow perk them up. It all helps.

Then. Out of the blue. Anja offered to HELP WITH THE WEBSITE!!! Wow!! She’s so proud of what I’ve done and wants to participate!!! I’m so happy honestly! I will show her the backend of the website and give her some directions on what to do. I’m so relieved honestly. Packaging designer said the website was shite, but I don’t have time to do everything. I’m so relieved!

Onnaloves

Why does everything seem so slow to progress? Or am I the one with over-expectations? For example;
I think the launch is going to be Jan 1, then a week late, then mid Jan, now it’s end of Jan.

Prototypes are still being turned into production models.

Banks got delayed with opening , signing, setting up.

Shipping packaging is delayed.

Like EVERYTHING is constantly having to be pushed forward and I’m starting to get upset that it feels like I’m always fighting for things to happen.

WHY? Is it me? Life throws wrenches at me all the time, but that cumulates until now. Everything feels beyond a crunch. It’s starting to get to me. Like the cancer thing is not on my radar mostly, because I have so much shit I am trying to pull together.

And then, I jump out of bed and check notifications, and there’s usually an interesting headline or daughter pinging me first thing to deal with before I start my day… but this morning. I AM CONFUSED.

Headline news as I got out of bed: some music artist on a music platform got pulled because he was complaining about a non music artist on the platform spreading disinformation. Twitter rules up and the music platform loses 25% of its value overnight and closes its customer support portal because everyone is trying to cancel their account.

I mention this to Keith; big mistake. He starts the day complaining that people are complaining about the wrong thing. And that Neil Young or whoever he is, is an important voice or something that millions are cancelling over the wrong thing.

I do not understand what he is trying to say.

I don’t even try to understand.

Because all I see is a Twitter trend that some music platform is being boycotted in droves over spreading misinformation, to the point where said music platform is trying to stem the tide by turning off all customer support until it blows over…

… and Keith is complaining about fans not understanding message or poetry or moral rights and wrongs. Anyway, he is still complaining as I write. Like that’s going to improve my understanding.

The mass behavior is reacting to misinformation. And Keith is on about something to do with loyalty and poetic rights and wrongs and should have dones and should have beens. The word “Should” is coming up a lot. And that’s all I can understand.

Whenever I hear the word “SHOULD” I get suspicious that the deliverer of such word is trying to be a parenting, lecturing, son of a bitch. Telling someone what they “should do” instead of accepting they do not, and should not, have control over other people. Should is a trigger word such that when I hear it - immediately anything one says after is garbage to me like auto mute. Don’t hear it. Don’t get it. It’s like an emotional stance that has no adequate reasoning, argument, or contextual framing. Underneath I cancel the person out whoever says “should” infront of me. It’s an automatic reaction that stops me from understanding anything further…

I become worse than a cold shoulder. Words become meaningless bubbles and phonetics framing some kind of emotional rage that I don’t quite get coming from the aggrieved other person. A person that says “should - lecture notes here “ becomes automatically muted because their emotions are talking. I just can’t compute this level of reasoning, because it seems to have no foundation in reality.

To me. Headline news was: people are cancelling music platform for making money off misinformation. End of story. Makes sense.

To Keith; this musician is well Honour we by those that love his message/music/ loyalty blah blah and people are cancelling for the wrong reason because they are not doing the right thing because there are not enough of them and they should be doing something else if they live this musician enough and want to support him blah blah misplaced loyalty points blah blah fans are political blah this is cancel culture going wrong and hurting the wrong people blah. Blah. Blah.

I do not understand. Is there any reasoning within his “argument?” Is Keith arguing with me? Is Keith philosophizing? Wait, he thinks he is a great thinker and I am not. He thinks I do not understand music and that music lovers are prone to unite over something whereas I do not understand.

I just don’t care. I don’t like music. It has no message for me. I don’t even like music lovers. I do t get them and I don’t get what they think is so special about thinking the same as each other over some emotional outlet. That’s it isn’t it? They all want to feel the same? Huh.

So what does this mean exactly? Keith was lecturing me for about an hour this morning and it literally bounced off me like shit off a shiny shovel. I do not understand the meaning he is trying to convey, other than he is dead cert about the news being LATE, fans reacting slowly, and irrationally, over some wrong thing, some wrong reasoning.

Wait. How does this affect the headline as I understood it? People are quitting with their money, and moving to any music platform to show their distaste for purveyors of misinformation.

How can this be measured any other way, other than with how much impact in $$$,$$$’s this ACTUALLY HAS? Is Keith’s framing really important or necessary or even correct or worthy of understanding? Do I have to make that effort?

How would it benefit me to understand his emotional display about loyalty to the right thing? Ummmm please. I’m really trying to understand. But was Keith belittling me in some way like I’m stupid? Was he putting me down? Does he really think I don’t get it or how the world works? Next time. I won’t even bother staring any interesting headline of some company losing subscribers in droves. I find it funny.

Surely logic is winning here if a company LOSES money for allowing fake news, falsities, dangerous brainwashing material, to go on?

Or am I missing something?

Onnaloves

AIP Group:
Hi all, I just found out I’ve got pancreatitis. Is there any natural medication I can use to heal myself? It has to be Vegan.

OMFG did your veganism not protect you from getting pancreatitis or what?

Responses:

Take enzymes or die

Do as doctor says or die

This is a horrible disease that has stolen my life even though I’ve tried everything. Good luck!

Like: I am trying not to laugh or facepalm or what? Am I supposed to feel? The shit in this group is another level of pathetic doomsday whiners. I think I’ve about had it. I have had several bouts of illness where I was puking bright green, and yes, the pain is level awful. And yes it was never diagnosed. But, I just adapted… and learned to deal with it. I’ve been chronic for some time and I realize that I don’t make a fuss as much as I should, because I’m too used to dealing with stuff alone.

But sticking hurdles like “natural only” and VEGAN. Lol then there’s the gluten free crowd, paranoid lactose intolerance type, non-dairy etc etc.

And this group is FULL OF IT. I’d rather eat what the fuck I want and enjoy it till I die LOL. Bad enough I’ve cut chillies from my diet simply because of the immediate pain. So I think I’m just intolerant to chillies, which is a big part of my life but I can live without. Dumplings are always nice!

Onnaloves

JAYSUS CAN ANYTHING ELSE GO WRONG?! the rotocaster works well enough for making molds but the motor is pissy weak. So it only works for light objects or a maximum speed. So.

I injected the mold having proudly charged the syringe with my special method of venting. But the molds wouldn’t vent, so there was a huge blister in the mold which when I tried to squeeze out blooped silicone everywhere and I had to refill it. Wasting silicone. Then my mold started sagging and the pour started mixing and losing the lacing. I plugged it into the rotocaster but it only turned at high speed, so the excess silicone started splatting everywhere as it was centrifuged out of the slip mold.

Then the whole casing shot out of the rotocaster and I had to reassemble the mold, add extra silicone, butter the sag lines out and place it straight away into the dishwasher I’ve turned into a curing cupboard LOL.

Fucking nightmare. I’ve bought a new more torque motor to upgrade my machine. But I now also need to make a bunch of rotisserie machines on an incline to stop this stuff from sagging while I pour. And I’ve changed the charging method of the syringes to inject silicone from the bottom of the mold and push out the air from underneath. Therefore, no rising bubbles that siphon all the silicone back out of the mold. UGH well. At least I was able to make MORE CHANGES. I’m sick of these disasters. But I think seriously it will work on the next pour, and if I build the rotisserie machines set on an incline, I should be able to pour 4 in one go. GOALS!

Anyway. I have totally forgotten about all my discomforts and am really enjoying my fasting actually. I’m used to it but boy the ketosis makes me stink. Is it day 10?

What if the scan results show nothing?

They were supposed to call me today with the results. No one did. I checked the online test reports and there was a note that the results are withheld until my doctor releases them. Aka, fucking tell me.

What if hahahaha there is literally nothing they can see? It’s possible. I feel this thing in my fatty layers. So it’s possible it could be invisible. It’s not that I want it there, I really want it gone it’s blocking up my poop and making me feel sick. Only it hasn’t today.

I am actually able to sleep for the first time on my back. The thing is not so angry anymore so I don’t need to squash it. The fasting really seems to have given that whole area a break. And I’m not eating less, I’m eating about the same just compressed between 11am and 4pm. The bastard inside me has stopped feeling when I breathe. That’s good.

Maybe that’s inflammation going down? Or what if ketosis is already working and somehow… working on it?

Can’t wait until tomorrow to go get the rotisserie motors and set up a new machine. I can’t wait to pour one that actually comes out perfect. The last ones came out perfect, but after trying them I needed to change the tapers on the insert to make it squeal when I squeeze my pelvic floor. It’s hilarious, but I need to adjust the tapers to increase the squishyness that give the Medusa it’s sounds. That’s like an essential part of it for me. This thing needs to sound like a slurpy monster. It’s going to be so hilarious when couples discover what’s coming. I imagine couples pissing themselves laughing at sink plunging a vagina. 😂

It’s a must have feature.

Oh wow. I’ve not burped today! I just burped now, because I drank some tea, but I don’t recall burping today… cool!

steveoscar

Onnaloves i was well and truly trapped and fucked over. And playing the game.

Years have passed. Are you facing the triggers of finding yourself back into your past. After dishing out anger again, you come to realize how much time has passes and wanting to go back and fix something, anything.

Onnaloves FREE ALONE START OVER NO ONE KNEW ME OR MY MARK. Yet, it followed me.

Being in CPTSD, that is one of the effects.. trying to rebuild again , leaving the unfixable behind. That is what I want now. Yes Ill severe a lot of bonds. Go to a foreign place.. What does it all ultimately matters in the end from your view..Is the glamour of a wonderful future real… can it happen…or will you - I be dissapointed again… trying.

I hate of let go of some of these fantasies. If I let go of this one, maybe the next one will also be a flop..and Ill stay in the abyss dream forever.

Onnaloves

steveoscar when I started over… I literally went to another country and started over BIG. But each and every time, I got fucked up. Like I just had this curse kinda following me around.

Today I was in the lab all day:

Once again another disaster BUT I think I have fixed it for real this time.
Like you my mother never wanted me to pursue art. She wanted me to be a doctor or something, I was told art was a fantasy.

But now I am LIVING ART. And I am so happy inspite of any physical woe that being in physical discomfort doesn’t even affect me. I am grateful for every day I can run down to the lab and make something, fuck around with my machines, and just PLAY.

And the crazy thing is, I’m finally at peace in every way, and this business is about to take off. I’m worried I won’t be able to produce enough so I’m trying to figure out the rotisserie machinery I need to pour many in one go.

Little hurdles nothing more. And the grievances I have with my husband are meaningless now. I realize his communication style is completely illogical to me, but then again, he thinks I am soulless. So we work in complimentary ways and it is definitely more of a partnership than any kind of relationship.

I think I realize now, that all I ever wanted, was commitment. Ideally commitment to a shared goal. And I have that now. I still don’t know what Love is, or if I will ever experience romance again. But after the last trip into romance I’m severly burned and I don’t think I will honestly ever open up to another person again.

What I do now, with every hour of the day, has more importance to me now than seeking any kind of fulfillment elsewhere. I don’t burn these days. The only discomfort I feel is something inside which I’ll find out soon enough. Whatever it is, I will just keep on doing what I love doing, illness is merely a burden to carry, but it’s lighter when I’m happy.

steveoscar

Onnaloves What I do now, with every hour of the day, has more importance to me now than seeking any kind of fulfillment elsewhere.

thats nice.

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