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Onnaloves

End of afternoon Sunday? I lose track of days while this constant search and working continues. This morning I was making more silicone products, and I had an idea!
I have developed a way of making seamless products, that even another silicone maker is dying to know how I do it. She (they- people insist on these weird pronouns) anyway she makes mermaid tails for a company I won’t name since I don’t want them picking up on my thoughts. And these silicone mermaid tails, I know people think they are awesome, but I truly think they are ghastly. While I develop my own products, I am pushing the boundaries of what is possible to achieve in a silicone skin. The practice of making mermaid tails for these other manufacturers, is to build a mold pour solid colour into the mold, then paint the colours on after… which I find to be a bulky, inelegant chunky lump of rubber tail.

I have found new ways, of creating translucent silicone skins that appear seamless, and capitalize on the neutral skin tone colours to give a more alien effect. And the processes I am playing with right now on the bed base work area, is my development towards that. As soon as we move into an apartment, I will be manufacturing the molds I need to take this beyond prototyping again.

I showed Keith my ideas, he’s gotten used to this constant mess on the other bed while I make… and although he knows nothing about this market, he is intruegued and said if this product works, even he would like to master the techniques and have a go himself. So, the prospect of HIM doing future Nüwa work is a real thing, and it seemed to pull him right out of this mornings depression.

How it is, life has been strangely “lucky” to me, that inspite of all the gripes and unfairness and just plain unfortunate circumstances, I seem to always be able to pull a hat trick out of something.

Even while I was mentally ill. I still had a deep desire inside to try something new, again and again. Until now, where I think I’ve nailed the product process, I’ll see if it works tonight after it’s cured, because then I know after a bunch of trying so far, the idea does actually work.

I’m merely keeping it under wraps because it does not yet exist on the market, in addition, I have other silicone workers who do not know how to achieve these proprietary skills, even though they have worked with silicone for decades and are well known in the industry.

For one person to reach out to me and text with the balls to ask me how, yet, not offer me any job, is like “oh just tell me how you think and give your product away to us”. Really?

I’m just trying to break out into my own thing, and I have artisans already texting me to take advantage. It’s sad. Because I did not get the shoe-in I expected with a universal studios, and instead they hit me up for ideas on silicone making. Why are people like this? It’s fucking sly. And she wants to be a they.

In addition I started watching “Y: The last man” and I’m four episodes in only to be really pissed off that the only surviving man is an abhorrent man-baby, and the so called MENA LEFT BEHIND , are MEN (they are trans but in the episodic they call themselves MEN) then the script USES the opportunity to talk about gender without Y chromosomes as being non binary and full of diversity. OMG.

They have this “Scientist” actress, playing a mad geneticist, welcoming gender diversity without the “Y” chromosome. But seriously? The whole post apocalyptic world is still fucked without 2 sexes, or just ONE SEX as the series is pretentiously describing. The only reason I’ll give the series another chance, is because I just want to see how they think women are going to wangle out of this one without Y chromosomes.

I checked out the critics for the series and found it absolutely laughable they all gave it a poor rating. I feel like shoving the whole “they” concept down our necks backfired on them. No one gives a shit. The show has been cancelled and not running for a second season. No one wants to watch post apocalyptic pandemic trans misogyny, in a world of women.

The bit where the mad scientist throws her hands up in the air and said “even women with Y chromosomes all DIED” I just sneered thinking ummm NOPE, scientists would not say that. Period. Think about cancer treatment; a different one is required based on the response of male and female hormones, you can’t go to a doctor for cancer treatment as a trans woman and expect to have a survival if you ask for female treatment.

Doctors are renowned to be hated and divided on Twitter for their “Sex, categorization”. I follow them just for the popcorn of this ridiculous thing.

The situation is an interesting concept, but to use it as a means of qualifying trans men as males and everything else in between is just stupid. The trans males are on the desperate hunt for testosterone hormones. LOL. Which serve no purpose to the survival of society. ZERO. Gender diversity is a function of reproduction. If there is no gender diversity, populations will die. No matter how much they wanna argue they are men. So it’s a post apocalyptic world full of outrageously crazy infantile bratty women. What an interesting way to perceive female humanity? Bratty, nasty, emotional, crazy stupid bitches run the world. Ok.

Onnaloves

So, believe it or not I got Keith to apply for a few jobs at Disney. He’s suddenly seen some light in what I’ve suggested to him. I was busy making silicone product experiments, and he quietly applied for the first job I’ve seen him actually feel good about … in 11 years. This is great news! He seems to be happier this evening.

Tomorrow I hope to mess around with my silicone experiments in the bathtub for OnlyFans. Make some cash to pay motel lol. I’ve made enquiries into a few apartments near Disney that if I lose the car, I can simply walk to work. I really want to keep this job forever and tinker about with my own experiments on the side. It’s so fun and relaxing making shit that might even sell!

I literally can’t wait to get this new product right and shove it up on Etsy to see what happens…

Onnaloves

OMG!!! It was my Birthday last week and I forgot!!! And on top of that I was too hyped from interviews that went unexpectedly well, I didn’t realize I turned 45. I clocked a load of birthday wishes, but, LMFAO I’ve only been responding to my Disney Job well-wishers. Like shit! I turned 45 last week!! Shit shit shit hahahahaha.

I’ve also been having weird dreams about getting fired from Disney for shagging someone in the underground tunnels in a Buzz Lightyear costume. I woke up a little perturbed that I would conceive of doing something so stupid. But then again, I’m not attracted to guys and I am attracted to fake shit. Including fake narcissists. Still cannot believe I will literally see a Narccy personality, and feel the earth in my loins. It’s soul destroying knowing that I can only enjoy this indulgence in my sleep. But then get fired for it, also in my sleep.

Yeh I think that was a nightmare.

Onnaloves

I am literally laughing my ass off that I missed my own birthday a week ago because I was in a weird interview pickle. HAHAHAHAHAHA I totally didn’t realize it was my birthday last week. How the hell does one forget one’s own birthday? Omg I’m just going to have to celebrate in my new job 🤣🤣🤣

Onnaloves

I gave Keith a massage last night to fix his “sciatic nerve” issue. We call it a massage but really I’m flossing out part of his Sacro-ileum joint, and cleaning out the glute-med, and piriformis muscles.

It’s not a pleasant massage, but it will work. However, because he spends so little time actually looking after himself, opening up the trapped nerve here will cause a problem in his leg next. If there’s a problem in the neck, caused by sleeping incorrectly. - And this is very common with Westerners, especially people who tend to stack themselves up on more than one pillow. Then the resulting deformation in those thin neck muscles can snap back and cause a horrible “buckling” pressure on the cervical vertebrae, leading to all kinds of inflamation around the cervical plexus, from pains in the shoulder, to migraines, and general malaise.

Releasing this problem, simply allows the culprit to maintain their bad posture, and uninsightful lack of proactive measures to adjust their best healing mechanism - sleep.

A person stuck in a coma for twenty years comes out deformed - bones have remodeled according to the relaxing state of bone alignment. A person coming out of a coma lasting years, will often become disabled through bone deformation and stenosis of nerves. Never mind the atrophy.

So Keith’s sleeping state causes him a lot of delicate muscle imbalances which are eventually corrected for by remodeling joint spacing of the cervical bones and a permanent problem with alignment.

What happens when a 10lb weight is off kilter at the top of the column, is that ambulatory becomes distorted, the straightness of the column becomes buckled and scoliated over time to correct for the weight straining away from its “atlas” and so the buckling continues until there is a pelvic “tilt” or “twist” leading to pinched nerves of the sciatic and femoral nerves. And due to a lifetime of incorrect ambulation, muscle imbalances are amplied in the knee, and arch or the foot, leading to knee pain, flat footed walking, constant impounding of the heel and triggering of bone spurs that inflame the plantar muscles leading to - plantar fasciitis and debilitating foot pain.
Correcting an issue at the top of the spinal column, is only temporary unless the person makes the effort to strengthen their spine against such delicate muscles suffering from strain imbalance overnight. Everything from a sudden twist, to pulling on tight clothes, watching TV can trigger the whole thing to cascade -from the very top.

One has until they are 40, to correct bad behaviors of “sleeping” before the aging process and remodeling of bone tissue starts to ossify INTO mal-alignment. A man’s sternum ossifies in his twenties, a woman’s ossify in her 40’s. A man’s sternum ossifies faster due to their proclivity to build up strength focused on “pushing” muscles go through rapid bulking up of muscles ANTERIOR to of the brachial origins. Puffed up chest work, constant flexing rather than extension of upper body, all contribute this the sternum on the chest ossifies from its natural cartilage points locking in lordosis of the cervical neck - a forward displacement of the head, and “hunchback” curvature of the neck and upper back. Compounded by a persons stacking of pillows, the spine is encouraged to displace the head.

I studied skeletal remains in men and women, and by 40, there are osteo-Arthritis signs in a man’s clavicle and cervical bones. The reason why the first cervical bone adjoining the skull is called “the atlas” is that it seats the fulcrum of our behavior upon its plate, and this bone is probably the most important to support with correct development by the time bone loss from aging starts to take hold.

I seem to have a ridiculous knowledge of the body - and that started at an incredibly young age. I couldn’t help but notice peoples ambulation and alignment issues that were causing all amounts of havoc in their “flow patterns” often the origin of those flow pattern turbulences that would intrigue me so much as some people were especially turbulent and I couldn’t help but feel their internal viscera, being challenged.

Anyway, I lead by example, showing Keith what excersises he needs to do to correct his behavior, habits, and ongoing resulting health problems, but I always feel annoyed that no one really understands why I take this so seriously. I have paired up with someone, who is the very opposite of me in many ways. At the beginning I KNEW he was of different thinking expression than me, but, I cherished that difference as being him all-knowing therefore smarter than me.

As it turns out, I have pretty much denied my own intelligence in disguise, making myself more and more “pathetic” in his eyes, and his constant talking down at me, has been met with compromise all our marraige - until NOW

It’s taken me a decade to realize, that I should be ok with anyones thinking patterns being different from mine, AS LONG AS I PROTECT MY PERSONAL INTEGRITY AND SELF RESPECT. Which is what I finally lost that caused my nervous breakdown. A total loss of self respect, meant belief in the denial that I could not use my intelligence, therefore I was not smart, rather the opposite and pathetic in and social standing. This constant gnawing of my confidence, compounded by my constantly traumatic upbringing, allowed me to be walked all over like a doormat and I allowed myself to be taken advantage of.

The trouble is, without having asserted myself in the discourse with Keith, is that it’s taking a long time now, to reclaim my position of being a peer. His arrogance has overshadowed me. My pathetic internal whining about him, has turned me into a jaded creature of lacking motivation towards claiming back my intelligence. And I do not have - or rather have DELAYED my interpersonal skills to assert myself as a peer to anyone. I tend to have this humble, non-threatening, position when I meet anyone. And this immediately gives the other the upper hand over me; which is why I was so ridiculously honored to have two successive interviews that valued me.

I have never realized my worth in general, in intelligence and being people’s equal, until now. I only want to be people’s peers and equal. I have no desire to be at the top, or be a decision maker, or lead. Instead my service to others should be a demonstration of how I want to be treated, and those that misplace that service without acknowledgment show that red flag of immature development and arrogance I won’t tolerate anymore. Please try to recognize all the good work everyone does. Even those that just sew on buttons and repair costumes, are intelligent and forward planning and serving others.

What I tend to recognize more so these days, is instead, peoples willful ignorance. I seem to have partnered up with the most challenging willfully ignorant person there is, and to work better in a relationship where he refuses any compromise is the biggest fucking challenge in my life to grow the fuck up, and not let it bother me. Instead, choose to share my skills with others that recognize me. Because I do not have that in my marraige, if he wants that, he has to learn how to compromise. I’m more than happy, to take my intelligence and servitude elsewhere.

Onnaloves

Here’s a weird thought promulgated from that weird obsessive dream of shagging buzz Lightyear and getting fired from my job for the behavior of shagging him. (Terrible image for buzz Lightyear of course Disney won’t tolerate that).
So I’m always attracted to narcissists right? It’s like my radar or narcdar, NARCDAR! LMAO. Well you know which industry is full of the most Narcs? Entertainment. Actors/Performers. They tend to be fucking divas - not nice people at all. Really! It’s true. Not all of them are divas, but most of them, and the few that aren’t tend to be the top tier actresses and actors that people actually give a shit working with, so aside from the top tier that most people DONT get to work with. My position will probably mean that I get to work with a lot of divas. 🤣

So this is going to be quite the lust test after all. I really have no intention of shagging buzz Lightyear or iron man in costume. Although I was wondering if my mind was playing tricks on me and celebrating in its own way, like a pleasant reward structure in my mind. It’s just the uncomfortable getting caught part that is the nightmare.

So instead of “not planning” to shag anyone, and not think about it. I will instead cherish that at least it’s a character and not a real person. Phew.

Onnaloves

I’ve finally finished developing the ACTUAL techniques for this new product! And I am so impressed with the results. I tweaked and tweaked and now, everything is coming out perfect - every single time! I’m pretty sure this range of products is going to be a bread winner. As there is no one else on the market making these things. It’s taken me about $200 of materials to develop! Which is dirt cheap!
Testing it out tonight on OF, and see if I can make some sales ASAP.

Onnaloves

GAH I cannot literally wait until the start date at Disney. I had another employer write to me directly today, in response to an application I submitted weeks ago as a prototype engineer… for a battery company. Serious developing business!
BUT, I really wanna work at Disney! Keith heard about it, and wants me to choose the engineering job over Disney, as it pays more for prototyping. But, just because I can do it, doesn’t mean I want to. I have a lot more fun building my own stuff!

In addition, an advert popped up on my IG today

I don’t even have to bother searching for an outsourced SLA mold! I can just hand over the cam files to this manufacturer to get new high quality molds!

It’s a wonder how IG, FB tracks my intentions through my various scoping activity. Not at all surprised coming from marketing. I honestly DON’T want to go into engineering. I can’t. I get stressed out, bored, and crash at the desk. I just want to work in an atmosphere where everyone is putting on a show. Where I’m on my feet all day long and where I don’t have to deal with the general public.

I want to have teammates that want to share caretaking responsibilities of maintenance and train each other. I want to make people directly happy, and do physical work. The costume job could seriously not have been more perfect for me.

Even if HOWMET had offered me the opportunity to build and develop a research lab… I just don’t want to be surrounded by men anymore.

Today, I nipped across the road from the Motel room to pick up some supplies from Dollar tree (insane shop where I get so much of my workmanship materials from). It’s my first time out and about ON MY OWN.

CROSSING THE ROAD ON MY OWN,
BEING OUT IN PUBLIC ON MY OWN,
SHOPPING ON MY OWN.

I haven’t been out on my own in years, not since 4 years ago. After my breakdown, I could not discern perspective anymore, and roads became unsafe for me to navigate, but rather than tell anyone, I just went into hermit mode.

There I was celebrating in my head, my growing independence and freedom when-

AhaeY gUUrl!
HeYyyy
iM oVER here
Y U ignoring Me?
SwEATheArt…

And the yelling went on and on. The lights at the stop took forever while I tried to ignore this vulgar fucking man-child. Not even joking, this is one of the main reasons I also stopped leaving the house on my own. The fact is, Keith will never experience this when he’s with me, he doesn’t even know, the moment I leave the door, the predators are literally on every corner and I get Cat-called everywhere.

It’s vile. I had almost forgotten it. The last time I went out alone, was years ago to the beach. I don’t count work. What makes me sad is that no man would ever know what I face, every. Single. Time. I step out the door. And then one day, we women have to look forward to being saggy and ignored. Unsexy in their mind. It’s annoying beyond…

I don’t even know. I am reminded every time I leave the house, and go out on my own, that I’m just a piece of meat. To MEN.
I have never once seen a guy, tell another guy to shut it. I have never once experienced a guy, reprimand this behavior on my behalf. Or stand up for me, or NOTICE. And it makes me SICK. This guy was constantly yelling for me to turn around, which of course I wouldn’t, but it happened that three guys together were headed toward me (and him) in the other direction. And nobody gave a damn.

It’s not just me. Any woman has to deal with this. And it’s disgusting. For a sad moment, I sided with the bullshit TV series “Y: the last man” and wished they would all just die. Fuck the human race. Bunch of pigs.

I’m not even wanted by society. I apply for jobs and in 6 weeks I had three interviews. Yet I have a degree, that’s out of date and useless. I got the Disney job because I was authentic and didn’t care about starting at the bottom. But the wage disparity is alarming, between a creative career and engineering.

I’m happy to use my engineering skills my own way rather than for the world of men. If men all died righT now I would just laugh and fuck the human race. Just like that terrible TV show.

I thought I hated the TV show, but after todays brief fucking destruction of my first flight alone, I wished men would just drop dead.

Onnaloves

This morning, Keith said to me the changes in my face were more than noticeable. He pulled up a photo of me from 9 years ago, during our birthday weekend, where my skin was perfect. It was one year after we married, and I distinctly recall something about being utterly dissappointed in Keith that weekend, which changed the dynamic of our relationship for good.
I was young, 36, I still looked in my twenties, I was in my first marketing executive career, before shit hit the fan. The birthday weekend was a much needed break, I had only been there maybe 10 months? But, shit was going down at work, I no longer liked what I was doing, and it became a daily torture.
So I had put a lot of hope into this weekend, to feel at the very least, this break would be worth it. Keith took a picture of me by the pool, where I longed to get in, but, for some reason I didn’t because Keith never seemed interested when I asked.
The pattern of that birthday weekend, was something I realized was not going to change, forever.
I had put so much hope into this birthday weekend being of whimsy, adventure, and self indulgence, but Keith, was focused on something else…
I lay on the bed next to him, this was not a romantic man, who could not even make me happy on my birthday, and I knew, romance was never going to be in this relationship. It was like a dying candle, a kind of hope that I must have held onto. As he lay there sleeping, crashing almost immediately, he snored like the day was too much. And I think inside I was crying.
I returned to the duldrum and torture of my executive marketing desk job, where every week my results were charted on a wall, and I looked like a failure, because the strategy wasn’t working, and my KPIs were tied to that strategy and no other. No other recognition for the good work I did, that wasn’t measured against company profit. Because the good work I did, couldn’t be translated into value. The extraordinary ideas I executed and we made short infomercial films on.
My face went to shit after that. And Keith said to me, it must have been when the growth in my duodenum started, because I remember a cyclic pattern every three months to a year, or incredible pain like a twisted gut, where I would have to lie in the bathtub for hours at 3am waiting for the pain to squeeze itself out.
I figured I was suffering from some strange twisted gut issue. But I also think, it was gut wrenching inside of feeling extreme dissappointment. How could I have had such expectations to be so dissappointed? Why was I so stupid! My job is awful because I am useless! I can’t do what they want! And on top of that the disrespect had set in.
I look at my face now, and I’ll have to take a picture to compare later, because my lips have plumped out, and the skin on my eyes has smoothed and no longer look crepey? Or dry? Or thin?

It must be the dates! I keep thinking. Shortly after this comment Keith made to me, He ruined the start of the day, by lecturing me that “if this new job at Trojan Batteries works out, I will have to take it and not be stupid to stay with Disney, because it’s offering more than twice the salary.

Inside I am defiant. HOW FUCKING DARE HE?! From that day on in THAT PHOTOGRAPH, he has 100% dissappointed me, and NEVER ONCE lived up to any success that I can remember. Inspite of all his “I’ve got two degrees.” “I went back to school” bullshit! He harps on about his degrees (in philosophy) that have changed his thinking patterns and done him so much good. And I’m sitting here thinking our birthdays just passed, and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, that he would MAN-UP and get a fucking job. And instead, THIS MOTHERFUCKER TELLS ME I SHOULD TAKE A TORTUROUS ENGINEERING JOB, because we don’t have enough money to survive on with my job alone.

SERIOUSLY FUCK HIM.

He is stressed about defaulting this week on our credit payments? Get a fucking job! What has this man done his whole fucking life, to reach 67, without a job in 5 years? (He QUIT his job as soon as he heard I wanted to go to Austria, he says to plan our new life there, but in reality, I’m pretty sure he quit to fucking retire.)

Anyway, I have some product making to get on with, while Keith has already spent this time rambling on bullshit about how we can’t go looking at an apartment today because because because. Always some fucking delay. He always delays with indecision. He can’t decide, because he won’t commit, to a place I cannot afford, because then he’ll have to get a job won’t he?

So instead what the fuck is he doing? Selfish fucking pig. This is the first time in my life I am going to do A JOB I AM FULLY CAPABLE OF, and WILL ENJOY. AND, I will be able to satisfy my creative needs and studies supported by Disney with free education AND selling products I ENGINEER MYSELF, FOR ME, and for others like me. NOTHING COULD MAKE ME HAPPIER.

And he wants me to call up Disney and say “no thanks I’m taking a higher paying job bye” when I outwardly TOLD THEM I was HAPPY TO BE WORKING FOR LESS, at the bottom, without responsibilities that I doubt I can handle…

I was telling the truth! I need to be kind to myself right now and NOT get into anymore trouble with an asshole job surrounded by assholes, disrespect and predatory behavior!

fUCKing ASS HOLE.

I have no intention of accepting this engineering job, even if I get it. Fuck him. I would rather live in a fucking sewer than afford a place HE WANTS on MY SOLE INCOME. Seriously F-U-C-K him.

Get a fucking job asshole. Wait till he sees my reaction if they do offer me a job. I don’t think they will, I’ll only be doing an interview to excersise FEELING VALUED. LMAO. I cannot believe at the moment the only way someone validates me, is by giving me an interview that I’m going to fail at anyway.

That’s the fucking truth. I WILL FAIL it in their eyes, but they want to waste my time and call me for an interview just to reject the risk of taking on a misfit. A weird “girl” who can do shit. That’s what they think I am sure of it. Like I’m some fucking entertainment of the day that deep inside they know what a shithole position of being dumped-on, sexually harassed at, treated as the coffee girl so the get to excercise their misogyny while using me as viewing pleasure.

Fuck that shit. I’m resolute on not going into engineering except for my fucking self! Waste my life on designing other peoples batteries while I drain my own life force. Right! Since I was a child, that was the way I was taught, brought up like a sex-robot. Proud of because I was “intelligent” like some fucking little girl trophy to increase their standing. Yet, what did I want? I wanted to make a dinosaur costume, rigged with mechanisms to convert human movement…

I wanted to do crazy fucking shit. Which doesn’t exist. So I will make my own crazy fucking shit. I will not be “told” like a little fucking girl, to take this job or that for the money. Keith can go fuck himself. I will let him stress the fuck out on defaulting. Because he could always get off his butt and look for a job himself.

I already got him to submit for a couple of jobs at Disney. Asshole.

Onnaloves

Had to take a break from what I was doing for a quick recap. It was bugging me so much.

I get angry! I get really really angry, but here in this motel room nothing outwardly appears wrong, or bad energy, or anything. It’s like intellectually I get really angry, but somehow my body is detached? I am currently still vehement and disgusted AT KEITH. And yet there is this annoying “guilt” sensation, that he doesn’t deserve to be cussed off in my mind…

(What a fucking WUSS I AM) that he never knows, never perceives or imagined my discontent over the last decade. And I still do it now. I have really literally given up on “acting up” my displeasure with HIM. Because the result is that he turns into a fucking cry-baby and whinges and whines about how I disrespect him and never treat him right. But seriously grow the fuck up. You’re 67, with nothing to live off, except me.

I really honestly think, that I suddenly, well not so sudden, woke up into reality, and as I adjusted to this new reality and started tying my shoelaces again, as I rapidly grew in the last 18 months coming back from mute insanity, I have realized after my entire life what I need to make me happy. And that comes BEFORE my marraige. Like, at this point, I don’t give a shit about not being able to do more than my fair share.

It’s not even like Keith notices me or believes I have any feelings. Outwardly I don’t exhibit any emotion whatsoever, though he is often perplexed that when I’m genuinely happy, I TALK TO MYSELF OUTLOUD. He says this is a peculiar habit of mine that no one else does, he’s never heard anyone but mad people do that. I don’t take offense because I’d rather be hammering away to myself non-sensical bullshit, that being engaged in conversation that takes too much fucking effort.

At least when my personalities interact with each other, they understand each other. It’s like I have continuous conversations with myself in my head, with different parts of myself, but occasionally they leak out IF I don’t have defenses up. And Keith notices then I must be indeed happy, regardless that I don’t smile.

I walk around shopping, in the markets, and will often not realize I talk to myself, until someone breaks my field and responds out of nowhere, or Keith asks if I was talking to him.

Anyway Keith is pissed off and fuming at the moment, chucking his phone like a brat. Cussing under his breath. He looks pissed off and I don’t wanna know why. Don’t care. Because I realized

He doesn’t really care about me. He ONLY cares, if it’s going to help HIM. None of this adventure in life that he has accompanied me with, has been to OUR benefit, JUST HIS.

He senses that I am happy and not looking for another job that will pay for his pet comforts. He asks me if I’m still looking… because he knows he cannot have any comfort of his own on my Disney starter level.

And I’m sure, that he has never once grasped that I have emotions, because HE NEVER ASKS. It’s true, he has never ever asked if I am happy. Actually no one does, not even my girls, which is another reason I never volunteered to express it. I have become used instead to accepting… less than. Accepting compromise, for others.

My happiness is never anyones concern, and that is apparent now, that even as we are homeless and I nailed a job that would make me so fucking happy I beamed for a celebration photo with Dewey eyes of uncontained disbelief. Never have I been more resolute that my engineering degree wasn’t for an engineering JOB, but instead, to afford me the skills I NEED TO USE FOR MYSELF. My own products, my own designs, my own continiuing self-education.

Progressing always makes me happy. PROGRESSION is what I need above everything. And I do not get that in this relationship, which is why I really don’t give a damn. I’m 45, and I’m never settling for anything less. Pet comforts are not on my want list or progression calendar. Independence, making my own products, IS.

I realize now that I have given up on this marraige. As there is nothing left to support me in it. Without Keith doing his bare minimum to support me in Nüwa Medusa, which I cannot do at the moment because because because (Keith doesn’t actually do anything).

I mean there is always something that can be done. But I have to literally explain and teach him? Get lost. I don’t even have the time to promote everything myself. I’m pandering to lavicious men on OnlyFans, just to get cashflow of any form to cover any costs, and it’s not enough for the debts I incurred over the last few years.

I keep jumping back to “must be thankful Keith got me out” but then I’m like… who got me into trouble in the first place? I can’t blame him, this is his actual being. He only cares about what I want, if it’s convenient to HIM. Like the first batch of sales for Nüwa, I swear he was so happy he had dollars in his eyes, but when I went to make, then re-iterate, the cash dried up as I was not focused on promoting - as he SHOULD HAVE TAKEN INITIATIVE WITH. All it takes is initiative, but he would rather be homeless than use initiative to experiment and throw spaghetti at the walls to see what works. He has never, to this day, made a post on social media. NEVER.

I set up HIS OWN SOCIAL MEDIA profiles, and in the beginning I was happy to do that for him, but he never once took them over so I left them. And when I did, he even stopped getting clients and had the cheek to ask me to “tickle the internet” for more clients for him.

“YOU DO IT” I said. And he was completely stumped.

He would literally rather see me go into a nervous breakdown, than manage his own self promotion. While I was doing three jobs on my own, to keep us housed in a foreign country. In what he called “The Jewel of Europe” as he had always wanted to live in Europe. Well, he got that chance but did fuck all.

Onnaloves

Daughter texted me today, she said niiiiiiice about my outreach for landing the Disney job. There was no other acknowledgment, other than, does that mean you’ll have access to Disney+?

Her responses to me, continue to disappoint me. I asked how she was doing, and she starts talking about food she likes, and everything is ok as it can be. But she is suffering insomnia, and therefore wants me to talk to her. I suspect it’s depression.

She has a boyfriend older than me, who she met on a sugar daddy sugar baby website, and he is holding her back, just because he wants to come home to a young thing to screw around with. I’m not giving her any relationship advice, how can I? After having royally fucked up my own independence by relying on “partners” in a relationship.

I believe eldest daughter obviously has no job, but is afraid to ask me for money, knowing that I explicitly told her how I failed at launching my own business, on account of not being able to do all the marketing and promotions myself, because I needed income. Now I’m unhoused, most definitely on the poverty line, with food insecurity myself and not complaining because I do believe I am still quite lucky.

But my daughter was fishing. For sure. And I was deeply saddened that although I would never ask for my daughters to help in a business they don’t want to be a part of, neither of them took any pride to offer any ingenuity of help for things that I might need, like website listings, Etsy listings or even social media posts.

Obviously I struggled through life differently and learned to become radar at survival opportunities. There exists no such thing in my daughters, not even an offer of interest. She originally did in the beginning, but her motivation is not there, she wanted to contribute towards the website for her portfolio, but it never manifested.

I let my daughter down gently, and said even though I’m unhoused I am working twice as hard to bring in cash to pay motels and debts off. So I had to use daylight because it’s impossible working in the motel room at night.
She reluctantly left, doing the usual end of conversation tactics that just fill up her time with Rando texting.

And then I told Keith… who then started disparaging my own daughters. Nice. He even said:
Well she should get some job, any job, to keep her motivation and develop her path. Even earning half of what you need is better than earning nothing.

Somehow, I’m wondering if Keith lives by what he preaches, and until he demonstrates this, I just ignored him. Later, he picked up a zoom call for a client I got him over a year ago. It’s his only client and he’s been long term over 18 months. He’s gotten to know us well and asked how I was, to which Keith sickened me to my stomach:

Well Juliana has got an opportunity at Disney to take if she wants, (I FUCKING ACCEPTED ALREADY ASSHOLE), and she is just waiting on another interview for something more appropriate…

I couldn’t listen to this bullshit without fucking screaming inside. I have no choice I’m in a motel room. BUT HE EVEN LIES ABOUT MY POSITION TO MAKE HIMSELF FEEL BETTER. I am not taking any other job. I take Disney. Fuck off with other fucking jobs. He literally told me this morning I’d be stupid to turn down a job which offered twice as much money.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT MY BROTHER SAID TO ME

Can he not see how much he is a fucking asshole? I don’t care if his intent is just thinking “for the best” because his idea of best is fucked up.

I’m going to start irritating the fuck out of him and saying I FAIL THE INTERVIEW. Which I give no shits about doing. I know I won’t get an offer anyway, same happened as last time with HOWMET, I didn’t get to the third stage of approval. And it’s not likely to happen here.

KEITH. GET A FUCKING JOB YOURSELF.

Onnaloves

I decided to confront Keith on the job issue. But I had to think of a way that wouldn’t turn him into an asshole on me. This was hard.

Then after a while, maybe I gave up or something, and said: “why did you tell him I was considering an offer with Disney, after I interview with this other company? I already signed and accepted the agreement”

Then Keith started this looooong story about how the client had asked about me, and that he knew we were doing an indiegogo, but not that I’d thrown the towel in on my business. So he wanted to …. Whatever he wanted to … I can’t even remember this roundabout reason. He carefully avoided saying;

“I wanted to keep our (my) image of … up.” Whatever words he used, came down to that. I stayed silent. And the super funny thing is, the silence was unbearable for Keith, he started to go all other the place with “if you hadn’t blah and set up the business then blah asked me to help you blah we wouldn’t be in this [mess] situation of just taking a job for the money. But because you blah, and last week career blah, I didn’t know if you were taking a job for life so I presumed you were only at Disney for X months”. I looked at him blankly. And I said:

I go for an interview, just to feel valued, I have no intention of taking any other job that will make me feel worthless and abused. By the way did you notice I went out ALONE for the first time yesterday? And by the way, this man RUINED my trip out - not that you’d get to see this yourself in person, because when you’re with me you won’t see it. But I’m SICK of every single time I am alone, there is no solution for the disgusting behavior of men around me, so I don’t want to be in that environment. Period.

I don’t want to fight my way for recognition. I don’t want to compete with colleagues or “measure up” to anyones KPI or fucking goals. I just want to be in the happiest place in the world, for me.

And then, Keith was weirded out, put his hand on my lap and said “sorry… I was on.l.y… t.h…I.n…k -“ the rest that fell out of his mouth I didn’t even register. I gave up processing his phonetics and let him carry on making up excuses.

“At least I get paid to be letched at by men on OnlyFans, that’s where I want to keep that behavior - where it benefits me not harms me” I muttered under my breath while continuing to draw.

I’ve drawn a whole bunch of cursive calligraphy I’m proud of. I wrote Andrea’s name in Chinese and did a name divination for her. Which came out troublingly correct. I’m not sure how this even works, but having done it for myself and being spooked by its interpretation, I was curious to see if it affected others. Meanwhile Andrea is doing my astrology. This is going to be interesting to compare 🤣

Just for fun. But I get to study Chinese reading and writing. Because I cannot help but study. I’m only good at studying but hardly good at putting anything into practice now. If I had know decades ago, that the workplace was never going to be right for me, I would have maybe done robotics, and gone a completely different tract that would have gotten me into making robotic special effects on movie sets.

I have always been a dreamer, with ideas and wants to figure out how to make them real. I remember when my mother made me a pair of stilts, I got so good at running around on them, I decided to make myself even taller ones, then I was wondering how to put shock absorbers in them so I could jump when I was 10. Perhaps I really am unrealistic, but I cannot help myself for constantly playing with stuff and studying. INFACT, I decided I wanted to make dinosaur skins of my own, that I could literally take to a studio and go “LOOK!” So this has been kinda what I’ve been practicing over on the other bed.

If only I had known, that taking a degree was something akin to setting myself up for failure. That if I was to invest my studies on any form of education, it should have been doing something I deeply wanted to figure out for myself. Becoming an entrepreneur, anything but joining the workforce.

I think this is missing from society. A recognition of alternate pedagogy, where women are encouraged to study not for the workforce - but to become a development hub of ideas and skills, creative arts in a kind of community, where we all build the skills toward going into business. NOT A JOB.

If there was such a university as this idea, I would run it! I would LOVE to change peoples ideas about roles we should play. I would LOVE to show people there is room for passion in your life. I think back to my carnival days in England. The community never experienced the kind of comradery that I had brought them. And that made me feel… amazing.

I also loved it in the Philippines, where I had a crew of interns, who I trained to train each other, in specific fabrication duties. These young people, now had skills that they could sell abroad, list on the internet, and what would be a $100 costume here, would be a months income over there. I taught them how to work with leather, PVC, adhesives, metal work, welding, a whole bunch of things and it made me so happy that they pulled off what they did not expect of themselves, and what nobody believed I would have the chance to do, because in any film studio the ratio of interns has to be less than 4%. But my crew were entirely novices.

Maybe, I just wasn’t cut out for England. Maybe, I would have a better job using my skills abroad… wait a sec. I wonder if that’s a reasonable possibility?

Onnaloves

Ugh I’m exhausted. Still moving around to different motels and the car gets packed with every available space for the toaster, coffee maker, crockery, dry foods box, ice chest.. project-making stuff, as well as clothes and various equipment I need. Oh, and the entire computer workstation that has to be set up each time we move. I can’t learn CAM at the moment because my keyboard broke and I need a new keyboard.

Enrollement at Disney is complicated, I have to do a fitness test and drug test next week. They want to make sure us drones running around are 100% fit and healthy, so injuries and chronic conditions won’t cut it. I’ll have to complete a number of physical tasks from climbing for rigging, weight lifting up a ladder, and all sorts of weird fire-emergency assault training 🤣. I told the lady I did WipeOut tv show for fun so none of that bothered me. (Didn’t make it past the first round though, I did not know at that time how ADHD fucks up brain metabolism with excitement. No matter how happy and excited I was, I came last because I had been knocked out a couple of times by crocodiles in some mud pit, my clothes started to fall off from the mud, then my legs went dead and I could hardly ascend any ramp. I was so dead that when they dumped a tonne of ice water on me, I folded over in half and my head went between my legs like a bizarre rag doll, but because of this amazing bending with it, I somehow managed to stay on the platform.

Knowing now, that I have to learn to curb excitement, or stress, or it knocks me out, means I have become more cognizant of the importance of paying attention to my feelings, even if I can’t recognize them, the signs all help me to prevent getting near crashing. Which unfortunately, because of the excitement of Disney Enrollment today, I crashed 3 times.

Additionally, I’m pooped from the moving around, and the emergency repair work I’m doing in the hotel room, matching acrylic paint to the skirting boards and walls to disguise where the little bastard intended to keep us awake by eating the walls.

Honestly he has been such an asshole. Today, he was really angry we moved hotels again, that knowing where to pee in the litter box, he strategically chose to pee - in the laundry. I caught his cotton tail hopping into the laundry, after throwing evil looks at me from his shit pit, and figured he was just being cute. But no, little shit peed there, and chose specifically not to pee in the potty he was sitting in whilst giving me the stink-eye.

I crashed 3 x today. I’m so worried about crashing during induction, training and fitness testing. Shit.

While we were moving to another motel, we took the bunnies to a park for a bit of a run around. Bunny sat indignantly and wouldn’t move, instead begging to be held because the wide open space scared the fuck out of him, or maybe the geese did. And baby girl, she just went charging at the geese. These things could kill a bunny with a single peck, but she seems to have no fear and massive amounts of curiosity. I tried to keep myself between her and the geese, and eventually she gave up because all their hissing and flapping, so she started to dig a hole under the tree.

So now baby girl is completely exhausted and crashing next to my bed, and bunny is planning his next night time attack I’m sure of it. If he eats the wall this time however, I’ll lock him in the bathroom overnight.

Meanwhile, Keith is now applying for jobs I sent him - studio manager, film executive, film production lecturer, photographic studio manager… I found all these things he could do and filled his inbox up.

So that’s good.

Onnaloves

I FIRED MY DOCTOR TODAY. Booked consultations with two new doctors to change over my psychiatric care immediately.
My doctor has been negligent. I’ve been back in the US, for three years before I was diagnosed with MDD, ADD, C-PTSD, and a whole myriad of bullshit that he ignored, leaving me in pain for most of three years. Finally when I had the tumor removed, I realized how negligent he had been because the signs were all there from 3 years ago.

Now, I am starting a new physical job at Disney, and I need to be on top of my health in a way that enables me to work the 15hour shifts over the holidays. I’m genuinely worried about crashing at work, so I need specialist care. I crashed 3x yesterday from excitement AND moving stress. That shit ain’t normal , and I need to be more proactive. I can only do that with the hell of a regular psychiatrist, as it turns out my brain simply doesn’t make enough hormones to stay regulated through the day - leading to all these psychosomatic crashes.

I’m also a bit concerned about the family history with their mental disorders and strange afflictions of schizophrenia. Is it possible that I narrowly avoided a trigger or onset? Is it at all possible that my genetic results will come back with a predisposition I always have to look over my shoulder for?

Since childhood I seemed to understand my family was completely out of range of typical families. Mother, was hated all down the street, which didn’t help the effect of racism, but also predisposed me to her weird behaviors growing up and not being able to asses the difficulties I was in, as being something to do with sabotage by my own family. All the secrets, all the neighborhood “confrontations” with my mother, and the attitudes I “them against us” didn’t exactly form me very well. I definitely adapted in weird ways of paranoia, that I sense even occurs in me today.

I’m not sure what it is, but for one example, Keith gestures a lot when he talks, which makes me more than anxious. Because his gestures overwhelm me, that he slaps his lap a lot of the time, or he slaps any surface constantly to highlight every intonation in his dreary speaking tone, I end up paying more attention to the jolts that to what he is actually saying, that my brain literally skips over what he is talking about.

I know not just the movement, but the sound and the violence is triggering in me, and the resulting behavior is shut-down and defiance. But I literally cannot control it, and if anyone exhibits similar behavior - unintentionally I switch out, dissociate, and even start to feel angry at them.

I didn’t know it was anger before, but I know it is now. People that gesture with a sort of violent slapping motion that also includes sound, super piss me off. And unfortunately Keith is in the same room as me 24/7 and he just pisses me off most times when he opens his mouth.

Is that his fault or mine? Or rather, how do I not let this trigger affect me so defensively. Because it will come back to bite me at Disney. Am I angry or scared? It feels like being frightened. Because the moment the slap hits the bed, I feel springs bouncing, and my irritation is perhaps in that I end up feeling this at all.

How come people are desensitized to these super annoying gestures. I can’t exactly tell Keith to stop slapping about. That’s him. And he’s just fucking annoying. I suppose if I were to count every complaint he makes in an hour, or conversation (to himself) like whinge in exasperation about something, he falls about and slaps. Maybe I’m just naturally irritated with his pathetic whining? I just can’t feel like there’s anything I can do about it, and he never stops complaining. Like seriously old man syndrome.

I don’t want to slag him off, but it’s hard not to realize he does complain for most of his open mouth events, about most people, politics, banks, credit cards, how people dress wrongly etc.

Onnaloves

I’m at a point where I can’t tell if his level of complaining is normal within circumstance or just pretty fucking assholey.

He’s left the motel for a couple hours, I have FREEDOM for two hours and I am RELIEVED BEYOND… like I can BREATHE.

It does literally feel like I am holding my breath because he makes a stink in the room.

Last night he went to bed complaining about his neck, his shoulder, his back, his leg. Then asked me for a massage (which he never looks after) so I did that. Then he complained about my Disney job, HE - COMPLAINED ABOUT THE FUTURE. He complained about me going to have to wake up at 3:30 am to start work at 5am and waking him up.
He complained about finding a place to live near Disney that was all “ugly houses, stupid layouts and floor plans, with not enough space 850 sq ft.

He complained about electric cookers in houses we were going to look at, and green carpeting…
He complained about so much I just hate being in the same room as him period.

He’s 67, and he saw the news the other night that said “American life expectancy down to 76” and complained about only having a few years left, and not wanting to spend it in poverty. Get a job then!

But he doesn’t want any job.

I don’t think he knows how 100% miserable he is to be around, he doesn’t even notice that I’m the one that is forced to listen to it, every single time he opens his mouth. Does he think this is a one way debate? Or a one way conversation? Or I must be mute so whatever he’ll just talk out of his asshole.

I can switch off. But it’s like I’m training my brain to ignore shit, when I’m really trying to pay attention and be present more, so this is like anti-programming me. It literally fucks me up.

I’ll be glad to get away from him.
I’ll be glad to sleep on a sofa just to not wake this bastard up.

Oh, and the jobs I sent him. The deadline was 4 days when I gave it to him. He then blamed bunny for sending his application in late, 10 minutes past the application deadline at 4:30.

For one thing, if I was applying to a university lecturer role, I would send it in EARLY, and if I didn’t know about it, I would not send it in at the last minute for fear of being noticed as “that person who’s always tardy and disorganized”. Is he INTENTIONALLY trying to fuck himself (us) up?

Additionally, he has opened many credit cards in my name and done balance transfers up to the max, but two weeks ago he sent the balance transfer to the wrong account number, and asked me to fix it for him because he couldn’t call them and do it. It took me two weeks! Until yesterday! To get that balance transfer cancelled and put back on my credit cards.

He complains about motels not having a sofa to sit on, and blames the bed for hurting his back, and shoulder, and legs. So we moved to a hotel which was more expensive, for him to have a sofa…

It’s endless. I don’t think this kind of behavior is close to normal. And although the situation we are in IS the poverty line, and that IS stressful, I don’t know if this is normal expected behavior, or if he really is a selfish piece of shit.

When things are good, I don’t notice him, he doesn’t bother me, when things are bad, it’s everyone else’s fault never him having something to do with it.

Does he REALLY want to stay in this relationship? If he wanted out, is he not telling me? If he wanted out I’d be totally fine with it. I’d be able to rent a room in someone’s home, to share. I’d have roommates. I’d start over.

But, if he wants out…? What would he do? If he wants a pad all by himself he won’t be able to afford it. Is that the only reason why I am in this relationship? I am a housemate that complies and gives him haircuts and massages? I wonder what would happen if I asked, or if I got the truth out of him as actually what I wondered, but didn’t react, and that would piss him off even more…

If I knew the truth, that this was the case, that the only reason he forces me to listen to his drivel, is because he is hopelessly unaware that I give a shit about anyone complaining in my earshot, and I could say, yeh have whatever you want, if you can earn it, he would still keep me wouldn’t he?

He used to have this one hairdresser, he’s used her for decades, they know each other’s love lives. It’s crazy. Then he couldn’t afford to visit her every month, and instead asked me to cut and dye his hair. I did, but it looked stupid and I told him so, so he gave up the hair dye and just had me cut it instead.

I need to talk to a psychiatrist not just a psychologist or therapist, because I cannot work out, if my perception is FUCKED or my brain is really not computing something, or, this really is a dumb fucking situation. Can you imagine me asking a psychiatric person ON TELEHEALTH CALLS with Keith in the background: am I mad or is the constant complaining fucking my brain up? Because when I turn off my internal translator, it’s kinda hard to get it to go back on. It’s kinda hard to understand anything! From the TV even, I have to use closed captions (I’m serious).

After listening to Keith complain, I cannot even understand the news and Keith complains when I want the closed captions on because it “distracts him” from the news…

LMFAO. Actually, this is a dumb idea. If I asked that the telehealth provider would ask if I’m serious.

Onnaloves

I’ve been without adderall for four days now and life is getting very difficult. I’m not sure if I’m more easily distracted by Keith’s complaining, or this is the effect of being without it.

I feel no change, certainly no buzz when I’m on it, which the doctor told me is supposed to happen if I’m genuinely ADHD. All I feel is extra bloodflow I’m my brain and more of a sort of, clarity of thought, but it’s all gone again.

I still crash during the day and it’s definitely my narcoleptic tendencies kicking in. The adderall completely stopped (for the most part) my crashing out sleep black-outs lol. I had forgotten what they felt like.

But now I’m having trouble with thoughts again which is why I’ve come back here to try and stay focused. I can’t figure out if I’m genuinely happy or worried about starting at 5 am. I’m happy I have a job, but I just can’t wrap my head around the start of day thing my husband was complaining about.

When I last worked for Disney, the call times were 5 am, I had to get up at 3:30, leave room for half hour travel plus any delay, and then craft service catering is until 5:30, makeup and wardrobe until 6:30, on set and positions by 7, and then we’d be rolling.

It’s been over ten years since I did it, and it was one of the best experiences in my life! To experience the film set! Was awesome.

But Keith is cranky, and says he’s done the 5 am call times for too many years in his life to really not want that in his life again…

So I get it, he has a point. I did start looking around at other jobs just incase there was another sure bet with a bit more money, but nothing is a sure bet for me. I’m an engineer with a useless degree. Lol.

I like machine work, I like making things, being active, sculpting, climbing all over the place and stuff like that. So maybe I can do a bit of training in stagecraft! Then move into actual stagehand work! That’s a sideways step in the right direction! Stay at Disney, with a little more money!

Onnaloves

Adderal has completely cleared out of my system, and I am literally narcoleptic. Without any warning what so ever, I am crashing and will stay asleep no matter what for an hour. It’s not like a withdrawal symptom, it’s more like this is a clear indication that my brain is just switching off whenever it wants to, because it can’t regulate hormones.

Luckily I have a new doc in two days to get me a script. Also, in between making shit and crashing asleep, I’ve been entertaining myself on YouTube, and there was this one really sad program about special needs bunnies. Born with deformities called splayed leg syndrome and can be acquired later in life. Keith looked over my shoulder and he was visibly upset over this. I’m thinking, that’s a horrible way for a bunny to live can’t they just put it down? Of course I said it out loud and Keith was super upset at me.

Then I said, listen, bunnies can acquire this as they get older and they aren’t given the right flooring, I think that’s why baby girl is crawling around so much. She splays her legs like a splat on the polished floor (she has no adductor strength to pull her legs inwards) Keith is now freaked out. What can we do?

So I’m thinking about how to do physical therapy on a bunny, and then: I know! Let’s make her do stair climbing excercise every day! That will strengthen and bulk up her adductors for sure!

So, I’ll take her up and down the motel stairs and see how she manages. I managed to pull in a few sales on OnlyFans, and now I’m going to hawk out a bunch of Medusa prototypes to sex shops for some extra cash. I’ll see how many I can get rid of by visiting all sex shops I can find, and I’ve made a sex-shop-crawl map to go around hawking.

I’m not sad my business has gone to this, as now I’m happy for it to be a product development hobby, while I make a steady income in and around some real people for a change. I’m looking forward to making friends. I don’t really have any here in LA anymore. They’ve all moved away.

I used to live playing at muscle beach, and made a load of fringe friends there, but now I’ll get to make some whacky friends at Disney. I won’t be mentioning anything about my creative hobbies, as I suspect that would be frowned upon, misunderstood, or even cause me some problem.

However, I do enjoy making stuff! I made myself a transparent silicone catsuit, and it’s sexy as hell. It feels good, and that morning Keith went out, I wore it for fun on OnlyFans. Now I have enquiries from 4 different people on where they can purchase my clothing and weird shit.

I may have mentioned before I joined a forum full of kink, to basically hawk more stuff out, and feel free tho enjoy myself without judgement. Keith doesn’t understand my fetishes at all, he can’t even understand why I’d want to wear a transparent half suffocating rubber hood! LMAO. But, I showed him Etsy the other day, it was like looking at porn. The place is FULL of handmade sex-stuff! It’s amazing! And it’s all pretty pricey for the connoisseur of sexual fringe appetites.

I know what this feels like. I know there are around 10% of people who like me, have some deep kink that’s just a part of them and melded into their personality. For many men, it keeps them single and alone. For women, ending up like me, most women end up experimenting…

Yes it would be nice to have a “lover” I could feel hot about. But I honestly don’t care when it comes to kink. If they have a bag over their head that’s fine with me. Infact, if they want a bag over their head (or hood is my preference) then THAT without a doubt, switches me on regardless. I don’t give a shit about dad-bod, big-bod or whatever, as long as they are in a hood. And what really cracks me up, is that in this forum I am not alone, and wherever I may move to or settle down, there seems to be a willing participant for me to let off some steam.

And the great thing is, I make all my own pervatious play-stuffs. Keith joked with me the other day, that when I told him some women need a barrier down there because the width of it hugging their parts makes them feel secure he blurted out “oral sex!” To my astonishment, I grossed out. I’ve never let anyone down there, and I know it was something Keith talked about from his previous partners, before he became celibate with me. Apparantly that was my fault lololol.

So, even though he will never “get” an understanding of how this feels, he has some idea that this is not a rare thing, from literally the hundreds of reviews on Etsy. If they sold 400+ of those at $200… that makes $80,000! I can see the dollar signs light up in his eyes again, and there has been less complaining today.

Onnaloves

If life was good, and we were both thriving with our own passions for our own work, I think life together would be enjoyable. Sure, Keith would never encourage us to go on trips together, or spend money on luxuries (his definition is different than mine) but it would actually feel like we were in a working relationship of some form.
As for the most part when Keith is happy, I enjoy his company, the film-talks we have together. With Christian, he would only watch superhero movies. It was bizarre like some sort of brainwashing, that he actually liked to say I was like a superhero to him. Even after I knew the relationship with Christian and I had broken down, and faked my interest and concern for him, he still wanted me at his beck and call to watch movies with him (I literally would get bored). During a two hour movie I had two hours to think about, how to get out of this mess. I knew deep down, this is not what I wanted in a relationship. I do not enjoy vegging out over superhero movies, and then having zero conversation about them after.

With Keith, this pastime is a whole lot different. For “us” it is a STUDY of everything. We occasionally pause the film to discuss some incredible moment, or how it failed to meet basic filmmaking standards, by becoming so awful. We would joke about whether the director knew what he was doing, whether the terrible acting was the directors fault, or the script, or just a terrible actor.
We will follow an actors career evolution, and how they had improved from film to film, and how they applied their strategy to develop themselves.
We would comment on the casting quality, the pre-production planning, the missing scenes, the art directors success at scenery, the costume departments success or failures, down to the makeup for each actor.
We would dissect the special effects, I would ask him how this or that was achieved, I would definitely bitch about the use of CGI. Because that shit bugs me. I wish, they used less of it. I prefer relying on imagination than having special effects being badly done.
It does have its place in epic scenery, and epic atmospheric conditions, or epic scene establishment, but mid-frame, it looks TERRIBLE.
I’ve never been able to enjoy this discussion as much as with Keith, for once, this is a past time that we ENJOY together.
Together! We even use our discussions to evolve ourselves, talk about the art, the production, or the emotional development of a character in the story, and the actors ability to get into that emotional arc.
We love spotting new talent, and imagining their success, and celebrating their achievements and the casting directors strategy for putting these actors together versus the cost of someone more seasoned.

All these things of story telling, is the glue that enables Keith and I to stay together. Without this, I would not have gotten married, nor would I stay in the relationship. I realized how important this shared pastime is. And when Keith is happy, this is really enjoyable, and when he’s not, this becomes a much needed emotional refresher for both of us to re-orient ourselves and our desires.
Neither of us have ever been successful, and we recognize this, but it’s situation rather than ability. I do at least have much faith that through the talks we have on movie structure and crew, where budgets were spent or wasted, that he is INFACT a very good film producer.
It’s just that we have both been quite unfortunate. And life is certainly always challenging together and in our own directions, but on this front; we are 100% United and developing.

Onnaloves

I decided to focus on some positive aspects of Keith to try and balance out my negativity here, maybe it will change the way my alertness and focus maintains itself. For any couple to remain under the same roof without leaving each other for 4 years has to count for something. There has never been a time in my life where I shared such small quarters without ever leaving the presence of a partner.

For some people that would drive them to hating each other just from sheer irritation, and maybe that is all that is the problem. Maybe the irritation factor causes me to lose as much respect as I would normally deal with?

Either way, this is an exercise to see if I can better understand myself, and if I am trapped or stuck in a rut or actually progressing somewhere. If I go back and think about the kind of conversations I’ve had living under the same room with someone else. No one has come close to thinking so integrally about the art of storytelling. The most I have gotten out of anyone, is, “that’s like you” or “that’s like me” and “wow!” At something huge CGI thing.

The conversations I have with Keith, ABOUT ONE EPISODE or film, carries over for a few days, with each of us relating to the planning that must have taken place to execute some concept so well that either of us could learn from. We forensically dissect every episodic, from the actors ability to express and understand the emotional message, in a way that I can understand but yet never experience, through to the locations and logistics and corners cut to save on budget.

This comes from Keith having made 12 feature films, and been head of studios for fox, and moonbeam, and a few others.

For me, I don’t know what it is about my curiosity, but I will tear apart an actor for not fully understanding the situation or being led astray by the director. Example;
Childbirth… every actress I have ever known, does this poorly. They always feature some woman, screaming, on her back, and being quite mad. Which is not my experience. In contrast, the BEST EVER ACTRESS of a birthing scene was that of a child, in “raised by wolves”. Of course as a teenager, she had not experienced this before, but she took instruction from a midwife, on posturing and representation of difficulties with movement. The result was that she gave birth standing up, and caught the baby between her legs.

I was so fucking dumbstruck relating to this experience, that I felt something deep like a muscle memory that shuddered through my whole body, and turned to Keith and said “THAT is what it’s truly like”

Which seems incomprehensible, but being upright while giving birth let’s gravity do the work, instead of lying on your back to take a shit, which I don’t think any sane person would want to do. I for one never shit in bed, not on my back and imagine poo sliding down my crack if it manages to get over my tail bone. Having never been through birth before, and not really knowing what to expect, I simply wanted to stay on the toilet, and have the biggest shit Satan ever invented to come out sideways. Like pooing a refrigerator, I just needed to get the thing dangling as soon as I could to plop itself out. Fucking yuck.

There is nothing nice about slimy fudged up newborns. Yet the body takes over in such weird ways, like it knows where the bones must pull apart, let alone the skin stretching. The sensation of having one’s bones turn inside out, like a stretched out beaded bracelet, was surreal. I felt my SI joint open up like never before, and my hips bones almost seem to bend like a crossbow.

And I will never go through that again! LOL.

Commentary of life experiences can be quite varied in episodics, and rather than binge through each episode, we will often just reflect on every aspect of the film we could possibly relate to. I do not think, this is a conversation I could have easily with anyone, as they consume, they don’t think like producers.

As a producer myself, the final art piece is an incredible concerto symphony of shared goals, one slacker in the team will take the whole film down. And we know where to look for that slacker or noob having produced stuff ourselves, me to a completely different degree than Keith.

I am able to tell certain things about the CGI for example, regarding the physics of momentum, that CGI artists have not studied, to tell that there is some quality off or missing or too algorithmic to be real. We will then discuss with puppetry how this could be done better.

In one film Keith produced, he had a team of 17 puppeteers, which is now a dying art, there are so few puppeteers, that CGI has to be employed. It would be a dream of mine to bring this back. Keith had 17 puppeteers to control baby dinosaurs, the dream of mine being - if only I could have seen that! OR put a bird in a dinosaur suit 🤣

Onnaloves

I keep thinking, Bunnies saved our marraige. It’s unspoken between Keith and I, but we have both changed on account of adapting to the special needs of our bunnies.the first day I brought bunny home, he was a cute thing that lived to be pampered, have his nails clipped, cuddled like a baby, Bunny and I bonded in Austria. I was feeling in need and went out and just bought a bunny. He was amazing to dote on, but I would leave for work, and he would fall into depression, hiding behind the washing machine until I came home. He never left my side, even when I took a shower, he would lick the shower door asking me to let him in.
I became so upset about his neediness and depression, I decided to bring him home a girlfriend. The day I brought her home, Keith was really upset! As now he feared there would be hundred of rabbits. But try as 8 week old bunny might, baby girl, refused him. She was small enough to squeeze behind bars and climb into the potato bin, to hide from bunny.

It was then that bunny stamped his foot in fustration… and Keith’s jaw dropped. “WHAT?!” He exclaimed. Little bunny looked at Keith, stamped his foot again and looked at where baby girl was hiding. Keith’s jaw hit the floor, he absolutely could not believe bunny was having a tantrum! And from that moment on, Keith fell in love with the bunnies and realized how emotional they are.

But they can be indignant arseholes. Bunny is depressed at the moment, he hates the motel room, so he’s acting up again, but this time we know that he isn’t sick, he’s bewildered and depressed. He misses a whole house to roam, and a garden to play in. So, I decided to take him for a walk around the motel. He lopped along happily, but realized it was too hot and wanted to go back… however, these halls were confusing so he went to a door that opened, and stood right in front of it to go in…

A family looked surprised to see a bunny sitting infront their door. Bunny wanted the forest of feet to get out of his way, so he stood up, and approached the forest of legs as if it was his right of way. But the family was surprised and started cooing over him. He stopped misstep like a pointer dog, pricked his ears up and you could see his brain going… hello, this is the wrong room! And he turned around and ran up the hall. Then stopped. Then decided NAH FUCK IT! I’m going to BEG EVERYONE. And came running back, the whole family of TEN pulled out their camera phones and recorded him circling their legs as they moved towards the elevator. One teenage girl was so besotted she hung back…

“Do you want to hold him?” I asked.
“OH CAN I?” And her dad nodded permission so I lifted bunny up from infront of her into her arms. Where he immediately snuffled into her breasts. Of course I don’t have big pillows, but he seemed to like this, and daddy was filming his daughter and laughing at bunny snuffling into her chest.

Then they had to go, and bunny was passed back to me to his annoyance and whines like a pig, so I put him down and led the way back to our room. Open the door and he shot in to find baby girl for some needed comfort. She prefers to hole down in one place and isn’t so bothered about patrolling or territory. He came up to her and flipped down, and she immediately started grooming him.

It’s taken Keith and I a lot of reflection to realize, the bunnies do INFACT reflect our emotions and behaviors, and we are often puzzled by what’s going on, until we analyze the situation and finally understand, the bunnies act up, when they even sense there is something wrong. And as Keith and I try to figure it out, we reflect on our own behavior that upset them.

We have been lacking presence. Momentful awareness, and bunny is feeling ignored, dejected, and depressed. He needs specific alone time, with and without us, just as I need to get out, he needs to get out. And this basic variation of routine, is something we have both been so preoccupied to give the bunnies good play times and attention.

I made it up to them both today, but they still haven’t forgiven us.

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