First day back at work was surreal, and glorious.
My bitterness with Keith is at an all time high. I get it, he’s angry and toxic, he’s spilling his angst all over me and he doesn’t know how much that affects me.
When I tell him, he becomes retaliatory and makes my life even worse. I was desperate to return to work. I took a Covid test, it was negative, and scheduling had me due back yesterday which I wasn’t going to push back on but simply get back to work even if I was still dying.
I have never once attacked Keith on par with the venom he has used on me. For example - I could ask what he is doing all day, but that would be an attack because he would become defensive. So I don’t, even though I am curious. I avoid the passive aggressive attacks by not even talking or starting a line of inquiry or questions that might be “twisted”.
It’s interesting because I could be completely wrong and I wouldn’t know, because I don’t have the energy literally my brain jams up even if I think of lines of inquiry to present to Keith without putting him on the spot and making him uncomfortably having to defend his use of the day. But- he takes my silence, sometimes for days, as cold, uncaring, heartless etc.
I don’t wanna win I just want him to stop berating me, every single day. But I simply can’t figure out what to do so I need help. Real help. Real intervention, therapy, a friend? Whatever.
So we drove in silence to work. And as Keith dropped me off, he said “sorry” but I don’t know if he even knows what for. I couldn’t say anything, I’m blocked up inside with emotion. I can’t accept his “sorry” because I don’t know that he knows what it’s for and what behavior to change. I said nothing but my eyes were wet, and I got out the car.
I walked through Disney and cried silently my eyes leaked like a fucking water full behind my mask and soaked it. I wanted to just get into work I was so relieved to be back that through my drenched eyes, I wanted to break my state of mind back into happiness, so I called out to some gardeners who were rooting through the backstage flower beds, and I called out to them:
THANK YKU FOR AN AMAZING JOB GUYS! They stopped what they were doing and said “wow, thank you very much!” - I merely wanted to feel something nice, and make someone else happy. So I gave them credit that they do a wonderful job because coming into work with beautiful flowerbeds that I walk past make me so happy, and they do such a good job I appreciate it!
And I got the positivity back that I needed, but realize, I never actually do this for Keith. Because it’s so hard for me to recognize where he makes me happy, and my eyes stayed wet even past the time I found my building. But I let it, I didn’t care, I was so relieved to be back I let my face do whatever the fuck it wants and I went to my locker sat on the floor and cried. And cried outloud just because I felt I needed to. A man was nearby collecting laundry and heard me, he didn’t know what to say, so I just looked up and asked him if he was the guy that collected work clothes for launder from cast members. He said “yes that’s what I do! Do you have anything for me? And I perked up even with my wet face and said YES! I had a bag full of dirty work uniform next to me, and my locker was also full of uniforms so I opened it and the man exclaimed that I had A LOT of clothes for him!
Yes, I’ve been off sick for two weeks, and here is a pile of laundry that was waiting while I was off sick to be handed in. I thanked him for taking the laundry, and said he had an important job because it made me feel so appreciated to have a clean and pressed uniform and I was so so glad to be back. Suddenly, my car keys I had lost from three weeks ago came out the pocket of my trousers and I was immediately screaming in relief! We chatted, and my eyes cleared up, we didn’t mention my crying but it had stopped.
I couldn’t even get past the first portal to the warehouse, and there were two leads who welcomed me back and told me they missed me!
Then Maddy came running up to me and said “I’ve missed you so much! Come with me!” So I followed her. Everyone stopped me and welcomed me back, gave me hugs, told me they missed me. I was now crying all over again.
I did not know how much of an impact I made at work, but it was clear, I have a big impact on the place. Many of them have changed the way they work because of the way I work, and they missed my patterns, they each passed around the group how they missed my authority, teaching and willingness to help them with anything and make them laugh. I didn’t know what to say. I just thought, is this real? Lol.
But I know they were genuine. Kathleen came up to me and told me thank you so much for doing the job she just gave me, I completed an emergency pre-set with happiness as I walked in, I did it fast, and she told me she appreciated how I am so efficient. I guess my sudden new skill of photographically memorizing lists of sizings has really been a super power.
We were just chatting in the group and they wanted to know if I was ok. I said I wasn’t. I don’t know what to do. I’ve had a really rough time with Covid because I have a gag reflex on coughing, so I was literally wretching to puke every time I coughed, which hurt my stomach and chest so bad I have a bunch of inflamation to recover from, but I tested out lasted night so they were all ok. I’ll keep my mask on.
To my utter surprise, a girl called Cynthia, who finds it difficult to speak said to the group she USED TO HAVE the same gag reflex too - as she is a sex-abuse survivor, but she doesn’t have it now, but she totally understands how debilitating the gag reflex is. And then a bunch of other girls stepped up and opened up and said the same. Jean, Ivy, Cynthia, Maddy. They all have a really horrible gag reflex when it comes to coughing and fear it - except Cynthia, the girl who openly admitted it was sex abuse. But now no longer has it.
I said HOW?!! “Well since I feel so comfortable admitting things to you Juliana, like I don’t know why when you are here, I feel like you’re my mom, but I feel safe and I feel I can tell you anything! Even infront of everyone!” And I know how big a deal this is, because seriously Cynthia has super difficulties speaking but here she was telling people she struggles with mental illness as a result of SA, she became bulimic, ended up in hospital because of it, but lost the gag reflex as a result of nearly killing herself with bulimia.
No one joked. But I mentioned here’s why I totally appreciated her huge admission infront of everyone:
I have such difficulties talking, that when I feel angst or triggered I can’t talk, so I know how much she has overcome to say something like that. In addition the gag reflex? I was SA, and the specific reason it exists is because the smallest drip of snot or phlegm is like a sensation that drives the memory of SA cumming and choking me in my throat. With gonorrhea, green spunk, that tasted … and I wretched there in front of them it made my eyes go wet again, as I tried to fight the puke. My throat is already sore from puking stomach acid uo so much.
And everyone slapped their thighs and laughed with me and said “OH NOOOOO WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT” as some domino effect caught us off guard and we laughed about the gag reflex from sex abuse that was overwhelming the group, 3, out of 4 of us have it. The same cause.
Then I proceeded to say - have you noticed how you can tell an SA, specifically from the gag reflex but also, we usually fuck up the thanksgiving table by saying something innapropriate about sex or trauma at the dinner table where everyone goes silent and you’re the only one that is laughing. Everyone was laughing so hard at this point that little burbs about such experiences rotated around the group, and we openly shared how we always fucked up the family/friend/work get togethers for vomiting TMI over everyone. 🤣🤣🤣
We all were doubled over laughing at this point.
Some time later I asked Cynthia, that she has been talking openly, and I couldn’t help but notice like me, she has blockages and difficulty speaking, and I really need help and does she have a recommendation for any type of therapy to help me right now. She replied she did; and inquired about my difficulties.
Well, if I feel tension in the room, like I’ve been off sick with Covid, in the room 24/7 for two weeks with my husband, who was now calling me a drug addict and I was nuts, and cold-hearted to him, and wouldn’t open up to him blah blah. But I can’t, because I don’t know how to tell him it’s him, let alone fix this but I needed intervention of some kind.
I was crying all over again fuck dammit. And the group told me that he was abusing me. And there was a service at Disney where we could get help, and how to go about doing it. (In a nutshell, I mean, mostly these folks didn’t act frozen and fucked uo when I counted my shit about struggling with Covid and a 24/7 husband who was angry about me not taking drugs yet calling me a drug addict.
Cynthia sayS yeh it’s rough. The drugs she’s on have a regimen that Disney also fucked up with her and she was in hospital 2 weeks ago because of it - so we spoke in group - at work - about how we have ALL dealt with the family that berate us on not taking care of our health, being cold and unspoken, and being told same same as everything Keith said - but yes it’s abuse.
And I just couldn’t believe I felt vindicated, and somewhat know how much trouble I’m in. But coming to work has helped me so so much.
So I have to get hold of counseling at work, and a bunch of other services they offer, Cynthia hugged me. And I spent much of the morning crying, but i was actually ok. And very very relieved.
I have a tribe at work. And they are helping me. This shock!
