There’s all sorts of stuff you can do with agree & amplify… the main point is NOT to disagree. go with their argument and sorta stay invisible..
She’s trying to bait a sympathy plea, if you just agree and stay there, it’s an indirect way of saying I’m not rescuing your feelings..
So she’s meeting your father before i meet her!
I fucking knew it! i fucking knew you were hiding something from me, i could hear it in your voice!
So she gets to meet your father first, so you can all sit around the fireplace and trash talk me,
about how I haven’t remarried or that I don’t make as much money as he does.
Some variations of A&A responses
- Yes, I was hiding it from you, because you can’t take it.
- I’m sorry I was hiding it from you, I’m such a wimp.
- Yes, dad is meeting her first, and yes we spend all our time talking about you. You are always the first topic he talks about.
- Yes, dad is a narcissist, he often needs to brag about how much money he makes in comparison to you.
or duller A&A..
- Yes, she’s meeting dad first.
- Yes I was hiding it, until I just told you.
- Yes, he will probably spend lots of time trash talking you.
or you could A&A and deflect, be curious.
- Yes, she’s meeting him first, and I was hiding it, and dad might shit talk you. It sounds like this is really upsetting to you? Which part?
So what did you tell this girlfriend? That your father left me for somebody else, because that’s what men do when they’re done with you.
you’re probably afraid to warn her about you, since you and your father are close
but i guess you won’t give me the chance to speak my mind, just like your father doesn’t
This long jumbled run on sentence, I would probably interrupt or try to address and remember the starting part… you can’t let a BPD do their fucking monologues… or you could and play dumb… and ask them to repeat it…and do it slower.. lol…
- I told my gf that my parents are bat shit crazy in their own way.
- Yes I lie to my gf to try to keep her happy and from leaving me.
- Yes, I’m letting her meet dad first because he’s more predictable.
opps.. those are more just honesty… but you could amplify too… that’s a harder role play because that’s in response to his boundary setting enforcement statements she ignored…
NYE I assume the point of agree & amplify is to become so toxic to the NPD/BPD that they won’t want anything to do with you.
It could be used for that purpose, depends on the situation. More so, it’s about not falling for their reframe… not chasing after their story… not reacting to their emotional baiting… standing up to their emotional chicken.. calling their bluff… and also not drowning with their sob story..
BUT… that example also was sort of limited.. because it was about a planned trip.. of which why just skip the call and just don’t tell her.. that seems much simpler…
however… BPD family member plays whatever attack/rage thing… agree…. own it.. and amplify… steal the spotlight and fully act out whatever accusation they’re making…. but emotionally stay in how much you suck, how sad you are how helpless you feel.. how she should abandon you… etc. etc..
Essentially act out and try to evoke their inner shame spiral, but with you embodying it as an actor.. within whatever bullshit framing they’re accusing you of…. BUT stay in the sadness, and do not talk about behavior change or any fixes… just stay fucking sad….stuck… suicidal… whatever…
Then they’ll flip the script and start rescuing and consoling you…. like black and white type splitting.. or they’ll be pissed off cuz you didn’t take their bait of fighting back.. and abandon you really harshly…
This has worked with 2 different BPD situations of people I’ve worked with.. opps… 3… I remember a passive consult w/ an older in person regular who casually needed a reminder of A&A..
add on edit…
The role play example he gave was framed as both parties wanting to be seen. That biases the argument towards me vs. you, creating an illusion that there isn’t enough space for both parties emotions.
I would suggest Agree & Amplify in the beginning with intention of reflective listening statements, along with throwing spotlight back on her. Become fucking invisible.. stop looking for validation cookies from a crazy BPD… get it from the gf, dad, friends, social media, etc..
Reflect back… starting with very short amplifiers.. or just rephrase her statements or last 3 words of her statements.. just to keep her going…
then look to pinpoint the intense emotions and start laying on the pity (that must suck to be so misunderstood, you’re the most special worst suffering in the whole darn world, omg that’s sooooo terrible)…
Then slowly as you’re laying that on pity reflection back on here, keep increasing until she starts drowning in it, and then give her occasional breaks (throw her a rope) with humor… or I also feel that suck too… but that’s just a short breather, go back to drowning her in her emotional stew…
Chris Voss’ negotiation and deeper listening model is really good