i have the past things and the urgency
both fighting at same time
for too long in mind (space)
What if your unconscious has been very successful keeping you distracted and busy….
fighting this endless battle between the past & future (urgency)..
What gets lost & overlooked is the present moment, shared reality, what’s happening right now….
and what’s the secondary gain for keeping your mental space in this constant conflict, and specific time distortion strategy to get away from present moment??
You answered it yourself:
I haven’t felt my emotions or feelings for years ,it’s liked mixed up
It seems this defense against feeling your emotions & feelings.. (and probably to prevent reliving emotional flashbacks..). has been quite successful, as you’ve reported: it’s been working for years..
The cost of this defense, is that you’re missing out in the present moment, and can’t really get much done in the future… so that fuels punitive self-attacks….
ergo you outlined this in your 5 questions earlier that I simplified to 3 points:
Deef So re-arranging your questions, I broke it down into these 3 points:
- When I’m alone this anxiety comes up in my mind like a brake (around regrets & trauma?), it’s like
- emotionally I avoid (paralyzed) and
- afterwards hate myself (self-attack)
- all I know is I don’t know how to navigate
- How do I deal with this paralyzing anxiety, what to do in the present?
I’m guessing this defense against feeling your feelings & emotions…. ends up being paralyzing anxiety…
which is quite successful at blocking feelings, emotions, and memories…
but the cost is paralysis, and inability to navigate the present moment in any meaningful way….
and your self-attack afterwards, isn’t really helping much…. as your higher value system, of urgently avoiding any internal flooding of emotional content, is the highest life or death survival threat…
if you wish to change this pattern….
You’ll have to start with making friends with the present moment…
That’s what somatic trauma techniques do when they’re trying to tend to your nervous system…
Or having a therapist, coach, elder, healer, priest, friend, group, etc. that can help reflect and remind you of the present moment…. being a bit of a co-historian for you, along with placing relational anchors of shared reality & present moment with secure attachment that allows difference and discomfort (vs insecure attachment of shared fantasy & empty validation).