Questions ? Basic, Complicated, etc.

Deef

Place for questions… basic, random, complicated, personal, etc.

Follow-up after zoom meetings, or whatever…

If the question ends up being complicated or a good theme, I might split it off into it’s own thread.

Deef

Some Codependency Questions I pulled from youtube comments & other sources:

What is a healthy level of compassion to have, especially towards those who may exhibit harmful behaviour or have harmed you?
How to balance nurturing self-respect without becoming cold, bitter or counterdependent?
How best to manage boundaries with others, especially confrontational people, when you’re not feeling resilient?
Is it best to just avoid them as much as possible during those times and focus on state management and the basics?
Any tips for when contact is unavoidable?
How can we tell if emotions (like compassion, affection etc) are just flashbacks / unhealthy learned patterns?
How to differentiate helpfulness and being helpful from codependent actions? How do we know when we’ve crossed over?
Is a sign of recovery from codependency the ability to see WTF is really going on and having the courage to speak up and call shit out?
Hi Richard, I wonder whether you can speak about the effect your channel has on vulnerable people who watch it and use the information as a way to avoid their own healing. I’m a therapist and I was introduced to your channel by a client and while I absolutely consider you to be top-notch, entertaining and informative, I have noticed that the labels (emotional incest, gaslighting, etc) get people so stuck in analysis-paralysis that the purpose becomes to CONSUME MORE INFORMATION about this topic rather than to actually DEAL with the emotions.

Deef

Are typical support groups, self help and therapy relationships codependent in nature? If so, how can they help heal codependency? Wouldn’t it end up transferring to the new codependent relationship with an external authority figure/expert/guru (projected parent), group think (projected family) or save the world (redo parentification)?

Fryek

I hadn’t noticed this thread Deef… wow, you put this out there a while ago and no love from any members?

This is open to all right? “basic” “regulars” and “super-secret, extra-special members”?

I like that you kept eh “Hi Richard” on the last question… wonder where that question came from?

Deef

Yah.. this is a totally public thread…
I think I pulled those earlier questions from youtube comments in a grannon vid.

I should update it here with unanswered questions from the sli.do survey for Grannon’s last visit…

How to get confidence back after your trust is shattered?
What still surprises or frustrates you the most with codependents?
Any new insights on ‘internal no contact’ technique?
How to work with heartbreak?
Can you set boundaries with a false sense of self?
How do you begin to break the trauma-bond?
How do you effectively “cure” the wounded/abused inner/younger self?
How do you distinguish between the beginning of a healthy romantic relationship and the "love bombing "stage in a narcissistic relationship?
Thoughts on rites of passage and initiation achievements (proving one’s self/worth)?
Anyway to carry over street fighting mindset training (self-regulating calm & focus) to psychological combat & abuse?
What do you think about being too serious is a way to mask for frustration, judgment, and need for control?
- Tips to add more fun to healing journey?
Are codeps too willing to waive the work of building and ensuring that a relationship is built on a foundation of bilateral trust?
Any tips for how to recognize when a BPD or NPD has entered a zoom support group.
Differences with counterdependent/perfectionism response?
Could trauma, heart break and negative emotions all be a shell game distraction re-labelling of core issue of shame and fear of social exile/judgment?
How do you distinguish between the beginning of a healthy romantic relationship and the "love bombing "stage in a narcissistic relationship?
How do you deal with a situation where even years of no contact with a narcissist you still feel pain and shock caused by the unmasking of the narcissist?
Are BPD/NPD unable to trust or otherwise get outside their own issues in a way that is required to have a foundation for a healthy relationship?
While codependency, BPD and NPD may come from “purely” psychological injury, is spiritual work intrinsic to recovery from those conditions and underlying injury

steveoscar

I want to some events in my past.. I get triggered and get fall back into my past memories.. I want to change the past where I would advise myself to be in better control of myself by protecting my boundaries no matter what. My stupid past me willing gave up Total Control of myself and my future.
How I wish I could just have been a little more stronger before.. I want to change the past.. Can I change my past unconscious decisions.. This repeated compulsion when triggered is nasty stuff and hardest thing to avoid in the moment.

oh shit.. Yeah the song Look what you Made Me do resonates a lot..

Haha thats Codependents resentment and vengeance mode. That is useless.. Giving a last minute fight is better than becoming a victim. So my question

How far should go to our evil side in the moment _
How can we stop forgetting that or having guilt of using the above side_
How do you balance your super good side with your weaker bad side_

Deef

I had to edit the questions to make sense of them, is this close to where you’re going?

steveoscar
How far should I go to evil side in the moment?
How can I stop having guilt of using the above evil side?
How to balance your good side vs weak bad side?

I’m guessing that this Jordan Peterson video sorta addresses the larger theme of your questions

A Good Man Is Dangerous 3m41s

You gotta level up from simplistic childlike view of the world good vs evil… black and white… etc… own your capacity to do evil, integrate your dark side and control/channel those impulses…

steveoscar

Deef own your capacity to do evil, integrate your dark side and control/cItannel those impulses…

After a year later, it makes sense to me now.

Deef control/channel those impulses…

I wonder if a good amount of shame and grounding exercises can be useful from going Batshit Crazy?Maybe some Batshit Crazy are linked to Black and White thinking.