I’m having nightmares still. Pretty much every night. But the weird thing for me is 1./ I know they are nightmares for sure 2./ weirdest of all I snap awake and forget the dream.
I NEVER USED TO DO THIS. I’ve been snapping awake just SNAP I’m awake and ready to start the day. But I never forget my dreams. Lately, I’ve just not been thinking about them or trying to remember or just whatever. I remember I had a nightmare, and that was it.
also, what next? I realize I’m not holding on anymore to the things that happened to me. Like - it happened, detail BAM 💥, nothing left to hide. So NOW WHAT?
this is really fucking weird. I started thing this morning on the meaning of friendship. I tried to trace the nature of my friends - and I have none.
not bothered about it, quite happy to be alone actually, but this isn’t normal.
i started to realize that everyone I called a friend - I almost NEVER start the conversation. I never reach out, I never get too close, for if I tell them too much about me, it gets WEIRD. Their behavior almost always tries to pull me into them. And I don’t like it.
this is why I first imagined years ago that I was some kind of sociopath. And I really questioned it hard.
what was it about friendship, that spooked me?
is it gone? Am I no longer that person? For I think old habits die hard. And I’m wondering, who would I even call for a chat? NO ONE.
i am just not interested. What the fuck?
i could call my daughters I suppose, that would be a start. I usually wait for them to ping. Or I drop some funny meme to see if they are up for responding.
i thought my ballet teacher was a friend, we called and chat and went out daily.
but I noticed something about her REALLY BAD, so I walked away, and she didn’t even notice. I sopped answering her calls. And she didn’t even notice.
what the fuck? Then I became obsessed with her, and watched her spiral out, until now she’s completely out of control, and disgusting to watch.
i don’t even think about my best friend the professor, again I never called, she called me, then she tried to suck me into sex parties with her, she became obsessed with me, and I let her go. The weirdness got too much.
i have a pattern of just - vanishing from people’s lives. And not caring about it. So, is that a pattern I have to break?
because truth be told I just don’t care enough about anyone. That’s bad. Why don’t I care? No wonder I always thought I was a sociopath, or a psychopath.
it’s like I had making friends programmed OUT of me, and I had making walls of smoke and mirrors programmed INTO ME.
the diversion tactics to entertain and keep people away from my core self. So that I could return home and HIDE once again in my dreams or on the roof, gazing at the stars. I was ALWAYS afraid in my room of the next person coming to take me. I was ALWAYS afraid that I could not hide in my own fucking room, in my own skin, until night.
Jamie was scared too. And we would share this past time of escape and magic potions to take our pain away. What. The. Fuck.
no wonder she’s a trans. I was her role model. She became me. We used to wrestle and fight, in sexual ways, the goal was to pin the other down and mash their bits with our foot. Footsie games. For me, I suffered bleeding down there, and the pressure down there of always grabbing myself and squeezing became a relief, but it triggered sensations, I found out Jamie had them too so I turned it into a game.
i used to pee blood a lot. And burn a lot. For a kid of 8 years old this was not normal nor acceptable. My parents were turning a blind eye to my abuse. Neither of them cared. They knew. I would complain of the blood in the toilet. THEY KNEW.
my mother avoided taking me to the doctors UNLESS it was for her to get medicine, and she would speak for me, and get the prescriptions and take them. My muteness transitioned like that. Then I weaponized it. I stopped responding to her in her hidden language against my dad. And it drove her MAD. So I stopped speaking altogether because the whirlwind was interesting. She would become a whirlwind, then I was in the whirlwind, then I was in the eye of the storm, then nothing, their words meant nothing to me.
and I was mute for a long time. Until the chinamen moved out I think, something to do with them.
So now? All my secrets are out! Nothing to hold in anymore, well there’s other circumstantial offenses, but nothing that really programmed me. That was simply an effect of my programming, the odd grotesque things i used to do and was never ashamed of.
i killed animals.
i studied the neighbours SHIT by opening drain pipes and watching the poo slide down. I knew peoples toilet habits on the street, and studied this 🤣🤣🤣 WTF?
i was so obsessed with shit. And torture. And pain. So I acted it out. I was an unpleasant kid. In a pretty party frock. That could not be trained like a Princess. I was my fucking mum 🤣🤣🤣 the wild child
she was cast away at birth for being unlucky number 5. The father did not want to get rid of her, so he put her in an orphanage they owned. They owned schools and land, and factories a lot. But grandfather witnessed this orphan girl of his alone in the orphanage, and felt sorry for her so he took her out and gave her to a plantation peasant, at 2 years old. Mum told me about peasant mama. How she was free, climbing trees as a wild child, shitting on peoples heads.
but peasant mama died when she was 7. So father took her back into the family, where she was spurned by her siblings and lived among the servants in the royal household. Where they hid her, and trained her, in the ways of being nobility. But she could not be trained. Auntie number 5 said to her, this is your family, I was there when you were born, this is who you are, but my mother could never fit in.
then the regime rose up to power, my mother got caught up in murder of a schoolteacher to hide she was Chinese. And escaped the country with the veil of Muslim, her mother sent her away to her own safety under communist rule in China. Where my mother had to denounce her heritage and who she was. Because they did not recognize nobility and the status of the Princess abroad was not recognized in China.
but they saved my mothers life.
my mother who tried to make me a Princess doll, to lead the life she didn’t have. But instead I climbed trees killed animals and pissed on peoples heads.
that really annoyed her.
the animal killing phase went away, as I escaped more and more into nature. With Jamie.
who has never known a friend like me,
and I in turn never interested myself in having friends.
so what does friendship mean? I do not know, and I find this hard honestly, because I am just not interested. I collect people. That’s all I do. They are like objects I study from, to see where they grow. Where I am not growing, and I try to copy that. But, now, it’s my turn to grow?
i do not know how?