Interesting day. Done lots. I woke up from a nightmare - involving my dad. And practically every narcissist man in my life. So Keith wanted to know. Because as we went to bed, I muttered about feeling like an inside out sociopath. And he giggled his eyes open and said ““interesting” what makes you think that? I said it’s too big for me to understand, but I relate so well to sociopaths, that’s all I’ve ever known in my life so I must be someone one of them. An enabler of some kind. Because it’s kind of what I want. To share their goal in life.
and I zonked off asleep, while Keith stayed restless. So in the morning I had a dream, about taking my dad out to a bar to talk. Just to enjoy some tome together, in a bar. LOL but he was uncomfortable, so he started drinking, which isn’t like my dad. But he avoided the women. They were too womanly for him, he needs them kinda dumb, to not work out and not feel guilty of what he’s all about. He thought my mum was dumb, because she only wrote to him, on a paper pad she kept with her, because she couldn’t speak English. And he thought that was kinda cute, that she was essentially mute. And only 4 ft 10. He told me she was the perfect little child, and they were married within 3 months, because she was pregnant. So on Christmas Eve, they rushed through a wedding, not not make me a bastard child.
but my mother was disappointed, she wanted a Princess wedding, and they drove home that night, nearly having a car crash from my dads startled reaction to her outburst and distress.
their first major argument on their wedding day, on Christmas Eve… then I was born in August.
so my dad was uncomfortable in this bar of my dream, and he hid through drinking in a corner to be on his own away from women. And I was left at the bar, where the bar owner came to me, dressed in a white suit like the devil. For he was an ex employer of mine, Lord Dave Hollesly, David West of Some night club, where he imported beautiful Russian Girls for his club, and trafficked them off. I worked for this guy cash in hand, faking up his model agency, but it was all a cover up scam, for the offices behind us were domesticized half way homes, for imported Russian Girls. My job was to announce the international miss world events, but i was paid. And I looked the other way. And in those days Dave West wore a pink suit, to attract the ladies. He said ladies love pink, so he will wear pink.
but in this dream he wore white, and he was an amalgamation of every man in my life. Faceless, and yet sad inside, he said how are you liking the club? I replied, it’s kind of classless, pathetic really, my dad doesn’t much like the women here. And Dave said to me, ““all i wanted was for a woman to love me, that’s why I built this, to see who I could keep, who would stay, but no one ever did”
so Dave and I started talking about peoples unconditional love dogs. And how dumb and smelly they are, and we laughed about it.
time to go home I said, but dad wouldn’t follow me, Dave said he would catch up with him. I left my dad drunk in that nightclub, went home sat on the sofa, and next to me my brother is shagging a girlfriend.
“Do you mind texting dad for me, he won’t answer me calling” my brother in the middle of a shag, hands me his phone with my dad answering. So my dad answered my brother but not me, and all I wanted to know was - was he coming home? Is he alright?
and dad on the phone rambled on in smoke and drunken mirrors, ““I’m lying on the floor in the club, I’ll wait till morning and roll out then”
so I woke up.
i hadn’t taken care of my dad.
i should have dragged him home in his stupor. But I didn’t.
im surrounded by men who want women to be girls.
and that’s my life.
so I googled ““inverse sociopath” and found that article. And I was dumbstruck. For it was me.
so Keith said he didn’t sleep well last night, and wanted to know if I had dreams - yes about my dad, I’ve discovered there is such a thing as an inverse sociopath. And I think it’s me. Here is the article.
keith has been silent all day. Studying and reading.
he said to me: I haven’t finished it yet, but if you’re the IN, that makes me a narcissist, and by his definition I match 6 out of 9 criteria. LOL I giggled funny that?
So right now I know that Keith won’t die, of the sadness of pneumonia. For he will come to accept that he was adopted by an overbearing mother, and abandoned by another. I think somehow he will change his death. For he is seratonin based, but has a severe deficit of dopamine. It means he lives in sadness with a good heart, just incapable of loving, because he is too sad and vulnerable, to let go and play.
this sadness makes you weak in the lung, and frequently a simple cold will turn into a Chest infection, that lasts for weeks. The weakness of the lung, is like a domino effect, suffocating the immune system, with regret, and this negative imbalance of the lack of dopamine causes the lungs to freeze.
until one day, when you are weak, with flu, you pass away.
and knowing his weakness in the pandemic makes him extra stressed. Because he thinks the weakness in his lungs is how covid will take him.
but I think now, he might be able to change that.