I am feeling so much more relaxed now that I know myself. The yearning to search for someone better than me has stopped, because I now feel comfortable in knowing exactly who and what I am.
it is strange, I am the same pendulum swing, of the same clock, of my parents cycle. In yearning to be better than either of them, and search for role models above them, I became the cyclic expression of them.
it is the nature of my agonizing, terrifying, abuse, that caused me to express my warrior gene as one who uses cold empathy to seek out role models.
if you are invaded and damaged internally, you hide what you are from the inside, you become externalised and third perspective.
if you are emasculated from the outside, worn down and minimised, you become the 2nd perspective.
the only thing that stops you from becoming second perspective, is if you have innate senses that can project you into third, further than from yourself. This is not something that a narcissist can possess, as to project well into the third perspective, requires a foundation of estrogen, that can hijack the mirror pathways of empathy, and use them for projective feelings, beyond what a narcissist can muster.
move had a few days to sit with understanding the nature of what I am, without yet going into Sam Vaknins article, just because - yes he can only understand this expression if he has experienced it.
so before I compare myself line by line, I wanted to be true to myself and express what I am with confidence.
my mother is a psychopath, that I always knew. She murdered her school teacher when she was 13, to prove to the regime, she was not a communist. My mother suffered unending violence in her life, before she was even 13, and it desensitized her.
as it desensitized me.
i have researched my matriarchal line now some 7 generations back, more than my mother ever knew, and it seems to me to be repeated every three generations. That is the pendulum swing my family cannot escape. They sought to protect themselves, they became pirates, they made peace and became wards of politics, and so the cycle starts over again.
the narcissistic pathogenic gene and warped mindset of nobility, became condensed in my family.
and my father was no different.
a bastard child of hidden lordship, an absent father, who my father didn’t have a chance for schooling, and worked from 14 onwards to support his family. Until he was discovered in conscript airforce, of being a savant math genius. So they made him a radar rookie, a documentarian, and he became one of the first computer science engineers of his time for tracking things.
all these things made me realize what I am, just expressed in a way to hide in society as a ward, and never claim credit for myself. Always look for a genius worthy of learning from, and supporting.
My awareness of what I am has now extended back into the healers of my past. Who still developed a culture to emotionally wall themselves from the hurt of love and men.
So now not only do I know what I am, but where this fits in society, and how I do infact now have a unique place of my own. I see opportunity, like the pirates of my past, to capitalize on the narcissists of the post pandemic world.
i see huge opportunity, in the realm of pitching valid methods of understanding the balance of mental health and awareness. I am in a pretty unique position.
but I’m also trying to lead my daughters away from the chain of their cycle.
i bought my eldest the Tong Sing or Tung Shih, it’s the Chinese book of everything, and my youngest I bought the book of Chinese Geomancy.
these books of pseudo science and alchemy, are fascinating to read from an unbiased mind.
one book give great comfort with yourself, the other book gives great comfort with your place in society.
the Tong Shih is an almanac, which has some old wives tales, bizarre constructs of predictions, but most of all it is a huge lesson of balance, of yin and yang, and how it relates to everything.
the Geomancy, or Feng Shui, is an interesting practice, that offers insight into the way cultures developed science, and also, control over narcissists, and rulers.
because EVERY sociopathic leader, falls for the pseudoscience of Geomancy. Disney for example, paid millions to move their gate 12 degrees.
Trump paid millions to have his properties cleansed and mirrored to condense his so called power.
geomancy does have a sensing foundation, but the practice has long been distorted into powerful concepts of superstition that cluster B seem to listen to, because there is an inch of truth with sensing gravitational fields. Which only needs to be an inch of truth for you to be able to weave a web of your own story.
sociopaths want guidance. Even if it’s mystical. They want this guidance to be bigger than themselves. So Feng Shui and Geomancy is simply a tool for reckoning.
so are the pseudo science of social media.
that’s how I gained access to all my targets before.
