I tried to decode the mechanics of love at a young age. I thought, if my parents love me. Then why am I so tortured? So I decided to torture and kill animals, in spite. To see what it felt like.
i did this from 7 until 10. Regularly, entertainingly, to understand the dizzying fun of killing something.
it started with bugs, disabling them and watching them fight for life against one another, disabling bugs slowly and seeing how long they could live, if infact they were still alive after Iād removed their legs or wings or whatever.
it felt entertaining. To be spiteful. A positive thing. But there was noā¦ hummm love? So I upgraded the game to animals instead. Mice, rats, pigeonsā¦ catsā¦
i stopped there, because cats, look you in the eye and say why?
i just want to be left alone, why?
which is what I felt. And I realized spite was a thing in my mother not my father. It was a feminine trait. A misdirection of her bitter reaction to her inability to accept who she was. A misdirected revenge, to get some semblance of positive sensation in her life.
Spite is an estrogenic trait. It comes from the mothers side. For a father, who understands the world better, is more able to direct that spite, in harmony with revenge. Direction and assertion, is the testosterone trait, that can focus spite and spiteful behavior into ONE direction.
so my experiment with killing animals after a 3 year addiction stint, became surplanted with my ability to understand love in a more helpful way to cope.
by sadistically applying pain in a loving way to Jamie. By bullying him, in a joyful way. That we all laughed at together. It was focused and not misdirected into generalized behavior.
it helped me more to learn that spite was merely an addiction to entertainment at the pain and anguish of others. A misdirection of internal bitterness, of the mother.
and I never wanted to be bitter like my mother. She was greedy. As was my father. As am I in matters of being better, but not for greed of money or material things.
my mother was greedy because she wanted the adornment of a princess, her inheritance, she wanted a projection of her lost value in this world. To be dripping in gold. Very Chinese, but also, fake as fuck. But greed is not a mothers trait. It is testosterone. Greed is objectified, to have more than what you need. Like my fathers most expensive hobbies, he did not see as greed. But they were greedy as fuck, because he had to invest in the hobby, the image, the toys, the society he could create to mask who he was.
greed is a testosterone trait, of rank above all others.
I see no wrong in greed nor spite. But when I see it, I know that spiteful behavior is a reaction to bitterness. And bitterness against a mother is something I cannot stand. Because itās not her fault, to be estrogenic, and be a ward off expectations.
i canāt stand spiteful people, because I love my mother. Spiteful people are an antithesis to understanding mother. Forgive her, and you will lose your spite. Focus it and redirect it for revenge for that is better. Than arming yourself against everyone for hating your mother.
spite is entertaining, I own it in measured quantity. Because bugs wonāt love you but entertain you, and cats will merely ask why?
then greed. I like greedy people, they have a focus and direction, but diverting this outward expression into something inside is hard.
for yes I feel greed, I want more strength, more control, but those are internal things. I can have fun with a cardboard box, I need no possessions to be greedy. I want more of everything from within.
i want more love from people, but in order to do that, I must be the most controlled expert of my physical expression of health and physique. I always want more out of my body, the perfection of ballet, the extension of flexibility. I am really greedy, but itās the mirror of a fathers perogative to express for us that greed in society, as an individual in society, who accumulates the best standing in society, the best toys and wealth of external standing, within society.
greed focused on oneself, is much healthier and admirable.
but greed in society, makes me see you, for who you are, a projectionist. Itās not a bad thing, I like these illusionists in male figures, but not women, so much. I prefer a woman to express her greed in herself. Some people mistake that for discipline. But no I see greed, the testosterone expression within the female.
athletes are greedy, for somatic control, but I donāt find many balanced greedy people out there. They are usually Neanderthals of the body, or Objective greed. I have wondered if there was a capable balance of the two in a man.