Onnaloves visuals

Onnaloves

Deef Maybe… someone who’s more genuinely unable to love might be someone who’s high on opiate drugs… the pain killing aspect plus euphoria. disconnects them from caring about others, relationships, interactions, shared reality, etc… their care/love circuits get hijacked towards the euphoric high… and that takes over all of their attention, time and $$$ resources & physical/mental health…

I am still trying to understand this, but I will give up for now. I just had to bump it so I don’t have to search for it. I have done re-reading today, while sitting in this fucking headache.
i don’t get headaches. I never get headaches. This is weird for me - I don’t understand how I can enjoy a headache. I’m sure it’s humble pie. But I wonder how long it will last.
i do not feel myself. I don’t feel the self that I know at all. It’s like being drunk. Like. Flood. Or something. Ok.
these crazy feels I feel the last few weeks. It’s unending and tiring, and there doesn’t seem to be much let up. I can’t say I prefer my static past. Everything was anaesthetic before and numb. Now these somatizations are quite - horrible for want of a better word.
but, it kinda feels like being alive… IS PAINFUL somehow, I’m just experiencing it much condensed in the now. And I’m exhausted.

i’m wondering if I need a better strategy to modulate this being. I don’t think I can handle this every week. The pain of realisation has more meaning each time, and each time it hurts more than the last. If that makes any sense. This pain feels more chronic and deep. Deep inside my midbrain ugh. The lights are starting to hurt.
goodnight

Onnaloves

Disappointed in the good doctor 😒 he spent $2000 on a tuxedo. Omg I wouldn’t do that. WTF? Why? Why why why! I related to him sooo much until that spoiled it for me. And I don’t even get why I’m so upset about it. Hahahaha wtf?
this headache won’t go away. Interesting. Maybe it will sleep off. I really have a hard time noticing people. It’s like no one exists. And I keep wondering why today felt so different. The group. Do I care? Am I just like everyone else? Am i no longer different? Or
i mean, is there a bridge between me and others?
is that what I’m feeling? Because honestly it felt different, for the first time I felt like I HEARD PEOPLE. And I was with them. I even dropped a crappy joke, instead of telling entertainment.
i wonder if Brenda stayed till last?
i wonder if Deef took control and called it quits earlier tonight.
the way I feel, like a fucking drunk, I just don’t know how anyone can run an emotional marathon every. Fucking. Saturday.
like. It’s actually getting harder for me.
I think I’m genuinely feeling people out.
or something that doesn’t feel like me.
i have this problem of overworking. Over Controlling. Over distracting.
and I just feel like I’m losing it more instead.
and it’s uncomfortable like feeling raw. Continuously.
I don’t want to dream anymore
i just want to sleep. Like a log.
and one other thing… I’m really proud of my resume.
it doesn’t feel like a lie. It feels great. I like my plan more and more.
now I got to balance getting some sleep and restoration in. It’s like climbing an endless ladder. But one week I couldn’t step, so i use my arms.
another week I can only use one leg.
another week I’m heavier.
and each week I climb higher but… I need a rest from the disability of climbing with one leg, one arm, and an extra weight. I need to drop that shit to climb on…

Onnaloves

“„Give me your password”
NOT NOW
“i just need your password to get into your EDD”
I DONT KNOW IT
“repeat something something whiney shit”
I AM WRITING. 10 mins and I’ll be with you
“attitude spewing bratty keyboard stomps ”

i finish writing. Completely aware that Keith is being his usual brat and control freakiness. Impatient as fuck and this is how the bunnies behave in the house. Hehehe.
his impatience is entertaining to me. I am now in control, and I don’t comply until IM FINISHED.

OK I’M finished, i Walk over to him. And he is waiting on the screen to type it in.
“just tell me your password ”
i have to find it, I pull it up in a photo I snapped off the screen. It’s a stupid autogenerated one. I decided to go with the autogenerated passwords for a change because then I don’t have to remember the passwords.
i showed him the phone screen with the photo of my password on it. THATS NOT YOUR PASSWORD. He started lecturing me on the password I used in Caljobs i used to complete my resume. ((He watched me over the shoulder)
i said Thats caljobs password, not EDD.
and the petulant child husband demanded that I read the photo-password from my phone.
his behavior is so ugly to me. So predictable every single day. Yet I married him. I put up with his shit. I know what he is. So I chose to just see him, and make his behavior hard for him.
maybe this is how I will train bunny patience. By demonstrating Keith’s dumb fuckery atmosphere won’t get him want he wants… until I’M READY.
wait ten minutes until I finish MY THING. You petulant child.
so we will see, if this wave of realization does anything in the Next few weeks. My child brat husband learns extremely slowly.
just like I learn extremely slowly what the fuck I’m feeling.
i mean what the fuck am i feeling? Is this even important now? I’m sticking to it, but it’s hard as fück and the only reason I’m sticking to it, is because it’s uncomfortable as fuck and I want to see where it goes.
i mean, if I were to try and explain to anyone what I’m going through. It would be like.
Oh that’s tough. Shit i know today is far from the shit i knew a month ago. That’s why I re-read my journal. It is HARD for me to learn. I must re-unforced my learning and dwell a bit on the reward of what I’ve done.
for some reason, learning what I’m learning doesn’t seem logical. I can map shit. Draw shit. But explain emotions? Nah. And yet, the more i learn about emotions the more i can’t unlearn. I can’t unsee it.
so, what im learning is that, im seeing Keith’s side. And he finds it hard, equally impossibly hard, to see my side.
the only reason he sees my side, is not from my words, but through context, through experience, through reflection in a film - or through seeing bunny.
i realized when I openly out loud, translate bunnies behavior to both of us. Keith laughs at himself. I know that well. He says. And look at trauma bunnies reaction i reinforce it.
so I’m teaching Keith by laughing at myself in the Good Doctor. And reprimanding bunny with love. ((You can’t teach a bunny through discipline, discipline is deeply traumatizing to a bunny)
bunnies must be taught with love and patience.

keith has now dismissed that he is a narc. He thinks he is not now. He thinks that I’ve gone and discovered myself so he doesn’t have to worry about anything. I’m healing so that means the grip of responsibility on him is weakening. If he could read my shit and be caught out. I wonder how he would react.
like I actually don’t give a shit if anyone reads MY SHIT. Because I’m free to spill anything I think here, in the open, in my mind. And just get. It. Out.
so I don’t have to suffer the 6 people in my head debating all the time.
its fucking exhausting.
im sick of it.
i kinda want them to stop now.
it’s not feeling productive.
i can only do one fucking thing at a time.
mind you, it is a skill, but jamming me up like this screws me up in the real world.
so it would be nice to just feel drunk whenever I want. By switching them off. LOLOL
oh shit.
that’s what happens. I SWITCHES THE VOICES OFF IN MY HEAD. That’s my humble pie eating. my letting go of my internal grandiosity. HAHAHAHA OMG I JUST FIGURED IT OUT.
not bad!
normally takes me three days.
whaaaaaaat the fuck….. i can switch them off?!
and feel drunk instead? Lololol
omg you have NO IDEA WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE? Or do you?
im just amazed at myself, like, I guess this is what NORMAL PEOPLE FEEL LIKE. Kinda drunk on EMOTIONS instead of schizoing out like a Train

Onnaloves

Sitting here feeling my immune system firing up doing it’s monthly thing. Keith suddenly asks me:
is your immune system fire up normal or different?
WOW! he wants to learn about women?
he is used to me lecturing about shit I know, but this time he is interested. So how can I tie it to him?
here goes.
the immune system trigger, sits on the X Chromasome. Men have XY, so they have ONE TRIGGER. Women have XX, so they have two triggers. A back up. It’s the same trigger, but women have a fail safe.
EVERY MONTH, women go through an immune system purge. Many women are not aware of what this feels like, but the nice thing is, because we get a lesson every month, the reinforcement learning can ground us.
I am really sensitive to my body. Every month, I feel my immune system fire up, prepare for purging. It does this by stuffing ALL epithelial tissues with inflammatory cells, cells that EAT other cells. Their job is to EAT everything they can find, because in the next day or so, floodgates are going to open, and women have to opportunity like a bypass valve, to AVOID THE LIVER.
we have the opportunity, every month to relieve the liver from its normal workload, with an offset like the valve in a pressure cooker. It’s great.
Some women purge a lot, and this gives the body a chance to “„recharge” and fire up bone marrow to make new blood cells. So purging is good.
just like they used to do cupping and bleeding in ancient times, to purge like an emergency valve.
our bodies have a bypass. Inside.
and it’s awesome.
but men don’t have this sensation. They don’t get to purge. They don’t get to feel a monthly metronome as we do, of bodily changes related to our immune system. And that sucks, because then you don’t have a baseline, for knowing when you’re sick.
you can’t really be sensitive to the immune system, if you don’t have a Metronome to guide you. Men’s bodies have a constancy - there is no ebb or purging. So you have a weakness, that you can’t feel, what it is like to understand the mechanism of healing. What it is actually like to experience purging.
unless of course you are a Freediver.
that is the only physical way a man can experience what it feels like to purge the immune system once a month.
i have often wondered whatnot was like to lack this core of awareness. As i had monthly symptoms, but no purge, or limited purge. Which focused my testosterone traits.
testosterone traits are purged according to a mesocycle. All professional athletes train according to a mesocycle. They have to or they will burn out. The meso cycle is almost non existant in a 20 year old. But after the age of 30, the mesocycle appears, and can be 6-8 weeks long. After 40, it is about 4 weeks, and as you get older still, the mesocycle is 5 days. 10 days. If you’re unlucky in growth and loosing health.
professional athletes learn to Devine their mesocycle and train according to that. The best athletes, are in their 40’s because this is the optimum mesocycle length. It takes time for an athlete to learn their mesocycle and by the time they know it well, the gains they make are refined and become a hunting ground for the cirque die Soleil, which has an average athlete age of 44.
long after ballerinas, footballers, and olympics have finished their career.
you can teach a man to control his immune system as a mesocycle. But. It requires dedication, commitment, discipline. Which many Narcs don’t want to take responsibility for. And Keith is far away from even starting.
he sees me play most days, I enjoy somatic discipline, and yet he will not even attempt anything for himself.
like most people who “„go to yoga” I find entertaining as yoga is a somatic-sensory discipline. Yet people don’t Realise, it cannot be taught, it has to be felt and discovered for yourself. But they go to class for emotional support to do something together that they have no will for themselves.
yoga, Tai chi, can teach you how to become aware of your mesocycle. And plan your health. Map your somatic weakness. Understand how that fits with your mind. How that fits with illness.
i always knew my core was numb. I never realized how numb it was. But I am timing my mesocycle to match with my purge, to see if I can optimize the purge.
it feels so good to have a painfully swollen belly right now. I know the period is gonna be a good purge.

Onnaloves

Fuck. I have learned so much. It’s so unfair that I should be a vessel for myself of learning that cannot be taught. Fuck Thats so unfair.
i understand now that cultural age and identity has benefits of glue to hold us all United with agency together. Unition and direction.
Chinese culture is 6000 years old, and generational learning has been folded into our epigenes, to understand at the very core, no matter our individual differences, there are core beliefs of respect of the highest order:
5 virtues.
Heaven, ((forces)
earth, ((nature)
monarch, ((identity )
of our parents ((agency)
of our teachers ((of learning)
western culture does not have an identity.
it is fractured, and there is no respect tying together the virtues of learning. Our culture ((whatever that is, the irony of it!) is fractured and primitive. It does not have a mind to unite us all. Of any concept of virtue.

we have filmic storytelling. That is new. And important. Subliminally in society it works.
but our learning systems are corrupted without virtue.
we will never learn agency as a society, because we do not have any identifiable culture.
we are too young.
the Jews have agency of culture, it is 6000 years old.
and yes, have you noticed they try to remain understated? They do not wish to be the winner like Western society all the time.
we breed brats in western culture. Fractured and primitive with a blame culture towards our parents, which was not their fault.
and I have been called out on this in autistic groups, because they accuse me of saying everyone is a narcissist, including them.
LOLOLOLOL
but. No one is willing to prove otherwise.
i am just expected to give them entitlement to their butthurt victim feelings. The group’s distortion Field of size, that validates their feelings more and more as the oppressed instead of… guides.
fucking imbeciles.

Onnaloves

Im writing a lot today, and it is fun and I am chill. Still drunk feeling, headache receded. Tummy is purging like you wouldn’t believe. I feel so alive, cradling my body in fetal position, Cosy and purging and relieving my liver, of all the shit that it doesn’t have to do.
im taking the opportunity to enjoy the pain, the drunk brain, the squeeze of snot and glue out of my abdomen.
ive already had a bath three times, stared at the debris and snot coming out of me. It’s so good my liver doesn’t have to do this. This truly is a blessing to bypass that absorption and processing, simply cleanse in a different way. No different than taking a shit, but with glutinous connective bindings, no longer needed.
im so glad all this crap is coming out rather than staying wherever it was. Mummifying my organs.
for the abdominal cavity, cannot purge like the blood system. It remains a landscape without much vascular roadmaps, not like our limbs. Our cavities in our body, are like countries, geographical borders of rivers of blood and Mountains of Organs. That catch the wind of change and use hormones to command the rain, to purge into the rivers of blood again.
i have always been connected to nature and understand it’s weather, and climate and El Niño. For that happens within out bodies too.
being able to read the winds of change, and using my own body as a feedback loop of correction, is how I read other peoples bodies.
so when they know me more than 10% I know what winds are in the body.
when they know me 60% I now feel their El Niño, and that critical part of the cycle of build up, is what leads to their death cycle.
i had always stayed away from people, to avoid them knowing me, because, I kinda hated this gift, of seeing how the currents in the body Are Building up to El Niño.
you can’t tell people what you see. Be sure they won’t change it. So what is the point? Well.
Holly said it was to experience Joy.
lolololol. Ok. That’s one purpose, one agency. But, seeing as I have this skill and I know where it came from, I have the ability to use it in a different way. More wisely than just telling people shit they don’t want to hear, or austrasizing myself.
so I totally figured out what I want to do and how. And theres some hope through that.
our bodies are like the inside out of our brain. Our brains are the inside out of our agency.
our agency is the inside out of our parents, our psyche.
if you can turn your psyche inside out, turn your soul free, then you will know your place in society.
instead of trying to be someone in society.
for example trying TO BE GOD is the inside out of our parents.
trying to dump responsibility on GOD is the inside out of our parents.
so then when you’re understand your relationship to God… you understand your place in society.
society is subject to the overall pattern of nature, which is in turn manifest of the forces we call heaven.
the last two concepts are hard for people to understand, as we cannot go further than god, we are limited by our biology. Unless, you have the estrogenic glue or the schizoid dopamine pathways, to sense the forces of of Heaven displayed in nature.
and only autistic traits can do that.
estrogen controls the glue in the body.
or GLIA ((glue) in the brain.
whether you are male of female there are estrogenic traits. GLUE, in the body. The ability to protect, and shield and sense using webs in the body, of indirect sensing, not synaptic. But a crawling kind of sense. One that creates the ability for cells to mirror, in their most primitive state.
Dopamine pathways are fast and furious. They amplify and compare. They are molecules built like little doubling uptakes that spurt activity in opposite directions. This allows the brain to compare micro differences - which signal gets there first. Positive or negative. Dopamine is a flip lord of comparison and excitation. Experimentation and reward.
so both these hormones are the autistic traits necessary, for sensing forces that act on nature, which wherever it comes from, looks like heaven within.

Onnaloves

If there is a border or boundary between us, you must be dangerous 🤣🤣🤣

take away borders and we are forced to accept we are the same 🤣🤣🤣

Onnaloves

i just finished one part of this map. This is literally how my brain is working, I have to draw that shit out. It gets modified over time, but I will explain later.
i enjoy the process more than the explaining.
i made this map according to what I find difficult to understand in myself.
i know that I am the mirror of the primitive mind, because i understand innately how it works and am unfortunately attracted to it. Moreso, I just can’t help myself, I can’t change my nature to be drawn to it, which is unfortunate.
if there is a part of me that could stop being drawn to the Narc, then I know that Narcs can be healed.
until then, I know they can’t be.

Onnaloves

Ooooo i just watched 1st episode of the serpent. An episodic about a serial killer… that operated in Asia and got away undetected with cold blooded murder.
if I was a healthy mind, I should NOT be attracted to this personality. I should reject it.
but instead, inside, I am seeing my mirror. And it makes me understand my map even more.
you see, the serpent is half Asian like me. A mongrel abandoned by both cultures. So he utilized the blind spots of both cultures to get ahead. To do this he has to be socially adept in masking, enough to bait people in, but he cares not for being part of society. He sees himself as an outsider.
as a mirror of the sociopath, I understand him completely, and regardless of his cold blooded take and devaluation of life, I would have still been his mirror. For trapped in my unreality, I am also an outsider, but unfortunately, even though I understand how society can work, I can only act through him, enabling him. Because being trapped in unreality makes me unable to BE in reality.
so I am paying more attention to his accomplice in this series, how she acts, how she gets out. To see how they map her growing psyche.
however, I have just realized how I can heal myself, using my own traits to help me.
if I embrace my inverse self, the healer. Then this becomes my bridge to reality. I can rely on myself to achieve unity with society. I instead of diminishing my soul as I become one, enrich it using healing strategies.
kinda hard to explain. But the interesting thing is, this pattern of thinking is the antithesis of Narc belief systems, they HATE IT. If you talk about energy healing and shit like that, reiki or chi energy, they fucking despise you as some kind of snake oil salesman.
because not only is it the antithesis to their thinking, it’s opposed in ways they cannot begin to understand because of the shape of their agency.
BUT, I have an innate understanding of the weather systems of the body, flow, chi even untrained.
as Long as I am healing, and understanding my growth pattern, then this will take me further from my mirror shape, I will no longer mirror him.
i will instead cancel out my personality deformations to form a more human linear expression of unity in society.
i knowbthis probably only makes sense to me. I’m just trying to find words to explain it. Today has been a good day.
bunny is getting a lot of attention on YouTube. I must film some actual real events. Like today he grew a little bit…
baby girl didn’t want to go out, he asked me to go out by nuzzling her leash. She never goes out without a leash because she’s trauma bunny and bolts. He is more controlled and knows to run inside.
so baby girl is stomping and grunting at me, but he wanted her to be with him outside, since he prefers her to play with rather than me.
so he jumped off the Sofa where he got my attention by nuzzling her leash, and nuzzled her and begged her to go out with him.
she stepped forward grumpily and let me put her harness on. But she was pretty happy after that.
bunny heeled with me and rand downstairs and waited at the door while I opened it. He was so happy to be outside today he ran circles around her and jumped over her leash like a jump rope.
i wish I had filmed the transaction, the deal he made with me to go outside, he persuaded her to let me pick her up and she obeyed.
i never like to pick her up unless she agrees. So if she runs away I go out without her. But bunny wanted her to come and play.

Onnaloves

my body won’t allow me to do this. I admire her focus and dedication. I use my own techniques to enable me to develop, which is interesting.

i know where I have to focus and develop or workaround - but I don’t cheat. The reward is in your own journey, not the short cuts.

that is the difference between me and Narcs that grows me away from them.

Onnaloves

Big sigh. Ugh. Just ran the bath and jumped in. And saw my bath was full of drowned ants. I got in anyway. They were attracted to the debris from my period, from a slow draining bath.
i am more awake these days and alert, so I’m killing two birds with one stone in order to expand my productivity. I bought special sponges to wipe the bath down as I finish. But yesterday there was so much debris, a slow draining bath wouldn’t clear it.
I’ll wipe up better this time.
i got out of bed and felt all sticky. Normally I am used to periods that stay inside until I let them out. I literally remember to go to the toilet to squeeze some debris and blood out.
this morning, there was blood all down my thighs and bum. I went to the toilet fast and saw, how my bunnies will be wondering why I ignore them this morning, running for a bath instead.
but luckily Keith is up, and welcoming them this morning, so I took my shot at the bath, and landed so quickly here I am, swimming with debris and ants.
it’s a pretty grim sight.
better out than in, but I need to pick up the pace of cleaning up after myself.
being an untidy slob to myself is what makes it difficult to heal. I need to fix this. There’s several areas of my external expression in life that is just a mess and a complete slob - I’m going to try and fix that starting today.
clean up and get organized. Spring clean my brain.

Onnaloves

So, I’ve been mentally ill now for hmmm 2.5 years since the major seizures and hospitalization.
and I was in decline another 3-6 years before then just staving off my breakdown really.
i disnt know I was mentally ill 6 years ago. How could I? When I lived in denial and went around acting my life.
then Christian came into my life 4 years ago, and basically brought my heartbreak to a head.
i was already heartbroken.
Christian had melted my heart then broke it again, which was impossible for my mind to take, after the emotional investment of melting my cold heart again.

so, the last 2.5 years I have been slowly climbing out of a deep well, by scratching the sides of what I can’t see and stepping up a little bit.
and it becomes clear to me, I have a fixed nature, that if I can’t “unfix ” my agency will keep drawing me to the narcissist. The biggest machievelli narcissists. However, I know them well and am not afraid.
so I decided to transfer that skill to monetary transaction instead.
keep emotions out of it.

so… this is why asking Grannon what to look for in myself, for reflexatively feeling a dislike to him.
because I know I must challenge myself not him.
i have an innate repellance of certain people.
i don’t know what causes it.
i just know I feel it.
and I want to know what causes it because THEN maybe I can forgive these flaws in some way, and when I feel repellency instead try to understand it. Myself. Better.
try to change my nature.
i know it sounds weird.
but kurt did that for me in the last meeting. I honestly fucking hated him. Thought he was pathetic.
i couldnt even figure out why. But then he slowed down after his bitter explosion ((blame blame blame) and what was it he said?
ah fuck I can’t remember.
wtf? I’ll have to look again maybe.
something about OH YES
his crazy housemate!
how he realizes it’s just a stream of her subconcious.

like. That’s why I felt attacked by kurt in the past! He is very reactive and very blame. And it disgusts me because he says blame blame blame is the cause of everything, yet he is doing it.

but, EXPOSURE THERAPY! That was it! My opnion shifted about kurt with new respect, because he said he realized it was just her subconcious. She was not speaking to him, he was just there. And he had to learn to not react to that. Wow. He did. With exposure therapy, and patience.

so, I must do the same. I need to figure out why, when I dislike people - almost immediately- WHY IS THAT? and overcome my agency to not be noticed, not confront them. Because that’s my fear I think.

anyway, I placed the question and wonder if I’ll figure it out before then.

ive been cleansing my mind of thought today.
ive been weeding the garden, the lawn of crazy grass. It’s beautiful and wild, I just have to manicure the weeds a bit, weeds are good, but mustn’t overcome the balance of the garden.

ooo next post…

Onnaloves

Is it POSSIBLE to change your nature, your personality? Because if not how can I heal?
unless healing is just acceptance and awareness of what I am.

i had a very productive day today, cleansed my thoughts, in the garden. I am a bit strange. I don’t give a fuck about anyone else. I’m like an alpha female of my garden. I love my bunnies, and they came out to play with me today, but I didn’t film anything because I was nude. And just enjoying myself. Rather than documenting it.

the neighbours are having parties, on either side. And I am literally thinking. Fuck them. Glad they’re having fun, but don’t start looking over the wall.
then a tractor pulls up next to the wall, moving some hay for horses. And blokey voices. I should be able to do what I want in my own garden. So don’t give it anymore thought.

anyway, personality.

people react:
to the way they emotionally validate themselves.
to the way they compare things they ““feel”
to the way they own things they ““sense”

zero reaction - is a reaction. It’s just not expressed in this world. But in someone’s mind, that zero reaction is a tug of war, of ownership,
a battle of the senses,
or an emotional tornado.

if someone struggles with zero reaction expressed in the real world, then I have to find out if it’s agency or expression that’s flooded.

if you ““feel” too much, in my case usually only in the presence of someone - although that was proven otherwise on zoom. I could fight that reaction.

if I sense too much, the resulting confusion slams me into 4th dimension unreality, and I cannot react because of an almost dread or paranoia.

however, if I like or dislike too much, this is emotional, and this block is more powerful to me, as it takes away my speech.
i simply cannot react.
i can’t even fight it.
i can’t stay in control.
it’s like a vortex that focuses direct energy that zaps me out like a short.

so. How to fight an emotional block, means changing the apparatus of my nature…

or learning different things about the way I sense and feel.
i need more exposure therapy.
i need to sense more things in reality.
how do I do that?
by going out? Interacting? Practicing?

ugh. I hate people. This is going to be so hard.
im antisocial. Not just introverted.

so that’s what I need to do… and I am already full of dread.

Onnaloves

Husband sat down with me at dinner time… I couldn’t help but overhear your work on Saturday…
oh, here we go again.

i didn’t invite this conversation. What happened on Saturday stays on Saturday and in my head. The way I want to deal with it. Because don’t fucking teach me when you don’t apply yourself to the same lessons. It’s fucking gross.

blah blah blah… Beatles song… blah blah blah. I dissociated. It’s easy. I can hear him but nothing goes in. ““The love you take is what you make”

blah blah blah philosophy. Blah. The point of life is to love. FUCK YOU.
i can feel other reasons to live. Actually. But you won’t get it so it’s pointless opening my mouth.

anyway it’s a really funny thing I was so arrogant and obstinate about not ““hearing him”. Here’s why:

Someone posted this in a group of Alexi - the emotionally blind, to help us understand what love is, when it is unsaid. And apparantly it looks like this:

i can guarantee, that my husband has NEVER EVER EVER SAID ONE OF THOSE THINGS TO ME.

EVER. It’s like he doesn’t even see me. So, why the fuck? I mean, so I love him?

REAL FUCKING QUESTION.
real answer: I don’t fucking know. I do not know what I feel but I know for a fact he NEVER gives me compliments - and if he does they are usually half arsed half baked kinda make me feel bad compliments. Like, you’re so strong you don’t feel anything. How is that telling me he even LIKES ME?

so I posted ((what I thought) was in my Alexi group:
HOW DO I KNOW IF I LIVE MY HUSBAND? I mean I had an extra marital affair with a guy who I’ve never felt so much with and this guy really got to me and now I am looking at myself like… two and a half years to get over that broken heart what the fuck is this?
what am I even feeling towards my husband?

ugh. Sometimes I hate myself.
did I make a stupid decision? Was I hasty? I don’t even know why…
no we are together just because we need each other. I think that’s all it is. But I can’t even say that to him.

so anyway the notifications came pouring in off my Facebook full of shitty bad advice which I thought was unusual… OHHHH FUUUUCK I committed a BIG FAUX PAS MY BAD!!! I posted this honest question on my FUCKING WALL FOR WVERYONE TO SEE INSTEAD OF MY PRIVATE ALEXI GROUP

FUCKING HEAD BURN
Juliana you wanker. Now everyone is thinking Keith is some victim of a cheating wife lolololol. A gold digger. Lololol. Oh and shittttt HE PROBABLY SAW AND READ IT 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

HAHAHAHA OMG that’s why he brought up the purpose of life and love crap that he doesn’t even show me. I mean seriously. That list is very telling. If he said anything without the half arsed take down, and it was a full on mini compliment instead of a half assed one… I’d be like. Why is he lying to me?

because he can’t compliment me. That’s the truth. He just can’t. It’s really funny maybe I should make a game out of it and see if he squirms or something.

i do not know what I feel. Maybe I’m just comfortable now. I sont yet have the boredom or energy to go out and start lurking over men’s profiles for some dick.

im torn because I actually did enjoy that with Christian, so I know it’s possible. But the baggage that goes with it is not worth the hassle… until I get too bored again maybe. Oh fuck.

i mean I do not even feel guilty or anything. Like nope it’s my body I do what i want with it. Ugh.

Onnaloves

OMG I THINK i know why I have a dislike of Grannon!
like why is he even in my head? Ok. I think I am JEaLoUs.
i think I’m jealous of him. Actually not sure why. I wonder what his audience ratio is. Bet it’s 35% women on YouTube. If it’s more women than that I won’t be happy for some reason, it only give me more reason to be pissed at him.
im Jealous because, his audience. So my audience on Instagram is 60% female, which is great, most of my audience are young women. They don’t interact with me much now though.
i used to get way more interaction when I was fighting through my hip replacement. Back then my audience stats were like 80% female. Which was even better.

YouTube I have managed to get my fucking ratios back up to 38% female.
but my art sucks. Only men are interested in it. I hate that. My art videos have a 98% male audience, of which I skim into my Patreon.
the same art on IG gets love and attention from MORE WOMEN than men, and they comment on it. But I don’t get patrons from IG, I only get them from other platforms.

so, Grannon has cornered the YT audience which is more valuable… depending how you use it. And it works for him.
the reason I figured out why I’m jealous, is that for someone that earns my time to watch any of their videos, that’s respect man. If I watched it, I respect you. But if I don’t like what you say, or how you argue it or whatever, it’s more than that…
it’s the dumb fucking comments. Like I just wanna go through and smack some of these commenters. And, have some responsibility for that. Because YT has no responsibility for peoples behaviour. So you must.

Richard Grannon pisses me off because he doesn’t take responsibility for the audience he preaches to. And it’s like watching a perculating storm. I just can’t unsee that shit because I’m so used to programming bot semantics to track hidden behaviors.

I guess I’m also annoyed because I can’t deal with Youtube audiences. They just piss me off. I’m just glad my last account got shut down.

Deef

Onnaloves OMG I THINK i know why I have a dislike of

I guess I’m also annoyed because

I would categorize this as an inquiry practice… all you have to do is keep your attention on a question… and for more heat and potential wisdom, a question around something that has a lot of heated emotions, frustrations, or like hatred/disgust/annoyance/etc.

Then just stay curious, wondering and open to what’s behind that emotion…. and with some patience and time, you’ll start getting some clues, insights and answers.

Often it takes some time to figure things out.. I’d also classify this as a more natural way of doing shadow work… staying curious, tracking your impulses and connecting to your innate nonverbal knowingness…

Onnaloves

STEALING THIS!

Deef people who have more inner voices, inner critic, sub parts, etc… might tend to have stronger language and verbal skills?? Since they have such a rich internal life of constant chatter… then that translates to communication skills or better persuasive ability..

On the flip side.. I wonder if people who are simpler minded internally… less inner chatter… or simpler raw inner critic.. they might have less capacity for controlling their tone or delivery… more honest, but also blurt out their impulses too easily…. BUT those people might have better capacity for mentalizing other people’s different points of view… (not at the moment they’re blurting) … but they tend to allow other’s room to be themselves and be different…

figured out how to do it on my phone before I clap out for sleep….

saving this for when I can put my thoughts to it - this actually adds to a mental model I’ve been working on. I’ve often said I have three voices in my head…
well I know what controls them now.

they come from three different ego states
controlled three hormones, since the fourth one is the blurty out one.
as for honesty?
not sure about how any of them can be technically honest if they are each in denial of each other’s worlds.
it’s kindof a mess I’m still trying to untangle but this thread of thought popped out and gave me something to look at on my map.

Onnaloves

Deef thank you! Suddenly a whole other bunch of realization is unravelling.
i can now go back and pinpoint everywhere I felt a pang of dislike in someone. IT’s crazy! It’s like there is a HISTORY book of emotions in my head, and I’ve just figured out how to open that book.

now here’s another cool thought… I can go through my history book of pangs that I felt, and read the history AND RE-WRITE HER-Story.

isn’t that awesome? I’ve just discovered a way of owning an emotional map that has already been built for me, hidden in history books of my past, and re-wired as herstory books of my inner denied self.

like, there is SOOOOO MUCH for me to look at now, and feeling the Pang against Grannon, helped me look harder at myself, and remember the herstory pangs I buried way before I envied Grannon and came to be jealous instead.

so now I think I just envy him. He’s got a head start, and leverage, something I wish I had figured out earlier. The dichotomy of gender bias and how that fuels the platforms and fires up AI sentinels.

Onnaloves

Uuuuuugh what a morning.
gary got back to me. About B. He said he filmed an 11 minute interaction for back pocket evidence to protect himself.
so, he asked if I wanted to see it?
yes. But my husband watched the video with me, so dissipate some of the discomfort I would feel.
and it’s incredible.
do you realize what it’s like? To see a malignant sociopath, squirm and squirm when confronted that EVERYONE GOING BACK 20 years, knows ABOUT HIS LIES.
it’s FASCINATING. and appalling. For B wore his mask, but it cracked, and he was being filmed the whole time, his doom is coming. And he had to control his flee, but now he is frightened…

for what B doesn’t know is, EVERYONE KNOWS, EVERYONE IS TRACKING HIM. And we are not just exposing him, but exposing him to the world. He will not be able to hide.

the story of B has become Gary’s story, and Gary happens to be a producer, of theatre 🎭 and this story is being transmuted into theatre. To oust the B that he is, to wider society…

he is being used as a message to wider society of the predators of society, and the hope that we can unite, a new culture of people that can hold space for one another.

so Gary’s friends all in on the game. Of revealing their game. And this funny joy it has given us, needs no revenge…
because all the work that’s going into the theatre of play, is being polished and edited - we have the tools right with us, of sharing it wider than our own networks. Gary spoke to Keith, and then back to me.

the new plan is unrolling.
and it’s going to be quite comical I think.
when Keith witnessed B, contorting and buckling under his web of deceit, it was AMAZING. To see a real black character, with all the unhidden flinches and jerks, cracking through his mask. Cracking through his posture, it was FASCINATING TO WATCH

im so proud of Gary right now. It feels like he is saving the world. LOL he managed to stay in third perspective, and crush this man like a bug. He filmed him recede away, trying to hold onto his broken ego. The walk of shame was funny.

it was hard for Gary, to stay objective, outside. But he did that through the phone, filmed him and his gestures and reaction, and managed to stay in control.

well done!
(i know you burned like mad inside, I even burned cold just watching)

Onnaloves

I haven’t mentioned much about what’s going on in my life. Because unfortunately being mentally ill, which I am, is hard to see anything outside myself.
so my energy is limited, to deal with my life.
i think about my daughters, and although I am helpless, I give what I can. Insight, space, small things that might help them.

In life I am barely coping to look after myself. Daily chores can be exhausting. BUT… I. AM. GETTING. BETTER. Clarity lasts all day. I can plan the next day. I can project into the next week.
i have memories of the last week. I can interpolate back to when I can’t remember a year ago I lived in fog.
i am starting to remember things.
it’s crazy! I feel like my brain is powering up!
my body is powering up.
there is more flow than before.
i am ignited and there is a smouldering burn creeping through my glue, that’s reconnecting everything to everything smouldering away the shell that I am, and painting in new flow.

i have so much drawing to do.
but it will come. I had the capacity to include others in my life for two weeks.

i bought them presents, I thought in advance, I gave my daughters birthday presents…
and… I bought my husband a 10 year anniversary present.
i have never celebrated our marraige before. But somehow I think I deserve it. And he deserves to be recognized. So I ordered a seal stone with the ram.
and his name Keith engraved on it.

i gave his his anniversary present early, because our anniversary has always been held in contention with me, falling on nearly the same date as my daughters birthday, so I wanted to separate those events for myself. Because there was a lot of guilt inside me for abandoning my daughters and saving myself. And marrying as dictated on the day of my deadline to return to England and find them…
i chose my life instead. As I had nothing to fight for nothing left.
so our anniversary became a poison to me. I could not celebrate.
until now.
the seal stone is beautiful.
it’s meaning to me is culture.
now keith has a stone, that sees my culture. And he can remind himself whenever he makes his art or productivity that stamp, that signature, was United with me.

and if he does this I am proud. Because now he sees me, openly, for producing clients for him, to produce our lives.

by using that mark from his seal stone, he is acknowledging me. And that makes me feel so good.

« Previous Page Next Page »