Onnaloves I tried to decode the mechanics of love at a young age. I thought, if my parents love me. Then why am I so tortured? So I decided to torture and kill animals, in spite. To see what it felt like.
That is mimetic desire. Your parents implanted that feeling process in you. And you at your young age had no defence against it. It is not your desire. Try to figure it out. Accept it for not being your own desire, and that you had no defence against it. And get it out of your system. Be your own parent, since they could not do it properly.
Onnaloves so my experiment with killing animals after a 3 year addiction stint, became surplanted with my ability to understand love in a more helpful way to cope.
by sadistically applying pain in a loving way
That attempt of sublimating away the bad desire failed. You must address the core shame that drives the desire.
Not an easy process.
Onnaloves spiteful behavior is a reaction to bitterness
And bitterness comes from unhandled core trauma.
Those are some of the spokes in the vicious wheel of trauma.
Onnaloves the Beauty of Heaven is not the light. Heaven is a blackness to me, that divulges it’s shape by the light that escapes it’s swallow. By the ray traces of these escape paths trapped in a continual folding vortex.
The conduit of darkness is someone that looks good, happy, benevolent, content, mellow, adorable and in any way look like a friend. But in the cracks of the armor seeps out the burning dark light of pure evil. That engulfs everything and everyone in its path. The vessel could not hold all that evil taken in. And despite all efforts to make the vessel unescapable, it started to crack. And then projects endless evil to the world.
In the backdraught of the darkness, the conduit of darkness sucks in all good that it comes across. In a feeble attempt to quench the internal flames of darkness.
No one knows what is at the core. The epicentre of the conduit of evil. But i suspect it is the remnants of an innocent soul.
Likewise, the conduit of light is a shell that to the looks of it is useless, dull, imperfect, flawed, despicable, unimportant, impossible. But unable to hold back the light escaping from cracks in the armor. Despite the pain and suffering it causes to shine that light. To those that do not hold the true desire, that light is not visible. They only see the dull carcas and despise it. To those of the true desire, the light fulfills them, and cleanse them from evil. Absolution from what was, in exchange for continuing the light. To hold the suffering of souls within, and not propagate further.
It was shown to me in a dream. That a man in the end of his life. A life full of conflict. Disappointment and evil doings to and by him. A man that still in the innerst of his soul held the true desire. Despite knowing he could never go back and fulfill that desire. He had strayed too far from the path. To much blood on his hands.
And he feels somehow he is near the end.
An angel suddenly stands beside him. And with only a look, brought up to surface all of his life. Good and bad. Shining light down to the bottom of the shadows, revealing everything.
“You are of true faith. Do you want to serve in our ranks”?
The man backed down the street and started to run. To flee from all evil he had seen and done in his life.
The angel projected the thought of the work of god. The man ran as fast as he could. Stumbled. Bumped into things.
“The cherubs sit beside god, because their innocence and purity when their life was taken makes them endlessly sing the joyful light”.
“For those who are of the true desire, the question will be put”.
“If the answer from the bottom of your soul is yes, then the cherubs will fly down and chase you down”.
“They will then eat the evil out of you through your back, like wild beasts, and then you fall down, as a ravaged carcass”.
“From the cindered holes in your back, suddenly wings of astral projection will grow, carry you on your path, light as a feather, for your true mission, eternally”.
This happened. The man was carried up by his wings to levitate. He then fulfilled his true desire. Eternally.
Good for a lucid dream, huh?
ALL comes down to one choice.
What is YOUR desire?