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Onnaloves

Here is my weird psychotic fantasy that NO MAN I have ever known has shared with me. Not in the way I want or desire, nor pretended nor satiated me…

if my true man is my god, then I will surrender my body to him and he will manipulate me through certain pain until I can be closer to heaven. This is officially the only way I have known or dreamt of healing.

and the crazy thing is, no man can do it. It is masochistic of me, which means he must have some sadism in him. For I do not want to inflict pain on men, only disgusting primitive minds and abusers.
i did that quite easily when I was a domme, because their filthy little penises deserved it. But I did not enjoy it, it did not satisfy me, it only aggravated the hole in me that needed healing, that could not heal, because the hole is not just who I am, but because no man measures up to god, I cannot share my fantasy with them.

my standard is above men, yet they are incompetent, so my choice of targets is low. Infact, only those who are malformed basic men will do. But I cannot stay with them, because the fire will burn out. So even though they are a safe short term bet, they are a disaster waiting to happen.

if I were to chose a simple minded man, who walks and talks and thinks like a man, he might have it in him to share my fantasy, but not for long. Not enough to heal me. And that is what I need.

it’s not something I can love in any other way, it’s like an animal instinct, predatory and prey, war of the sexes, and without it, I simply cannot heal. But I have never attained it with anyone. I yearn for it but there is no one who can understand what I desperately need.

if you are god then I will be like putty and I will mould by your hand, and you will share that fantasy with me to come closer to heaven. But my body is so deeply scarred, not just one event like this but many, until eventually man soothes the tear that kept me as a child. He must be willing to do this witb me many times until I can grow through sex. Through my hypersexual fantasies, that so far, men reveal themselves to me, and my filter reveals them to me, as not the right one again.

for many become attracted to hypersexual me, but they reveal themselves by immediately projecting their needs, unable to satisfy my own.

Onnaloves

Once a single red flag comes along… I wait for the rest…

When I decide something is a red flag. Then I’ve decided there’s something wrong with you. And you don’t get to change my point of view by changing my point of view.
You don’t need a list of red flags really. I’m done with hyper-alert bullshit. If I sense someone is off, it is because they are. Doesn’t need labels after all.

crazy thing has happened. I realized I evaporate from the room at most dinner times. Somehow I carried over some baggage trauma from childhood keeping up appearances at the dinner table, where the air was so tense, I would often be caught in cross fire. Collateral damage. And I have carried it into my adult life. I deal with that by mit dealing with it, by dissociating at dinner times.

i feel disrespected. And I told keith. And that’s that. That’s just how I feel underneath and I am not going to defend it.

I woke this morning from a severly uncomfortable dream that seemed to have no meaning. I won’t go into it now… but damn I just figured out what it meant. Letting go of burdens, just because holding onto them for potential, is taking away my energy.

Onnaloves

So Keith and I had a verbal fight today. As i let go of some of my anxiety, and get closer to my feelings, he set up a weird ultimatum.
if I dislike him because I feel he disrespects me now because I’m carrying over some bullshit baggage from the past, then apparantly I have some big problems to solve and I need therapy.
if I dislike him because he disrespects me for something he’s doing now, then either he has to know about it, or I have to leave - and we have to talk about that.

so I am quite happy leaving actually, if he would let me go. That’s how I feel, because he is so disrespectful of my needs. So today, I don’t know how the topic came up, but I nailed it, and I don’t know how to resolve this fight.

because he started twisting things, because that’s the way he is. Bastard. Disrespecting me.

and I am holding onto the dislike right now. I’m not being anxious, that’s just my feelings, he disrespects me, and why should I put up with that?

a simple thing. I need to somatically grow. I need to somatically play. That’s how I somatically grow. It’s HOW I FEEL AND SENSE THE WORLD. I need to play with it, explore it. And I do it ALL ALONE. I have found ways to SATISFY HIM by being alone. And even when I was with the crowd, it was hard for me to overcome that, but I did, and I would occasionally go into the crowd to play. I would pick a partner, to play with and learn something new.

acrobats are great like that. Swapping partners and learning how to communicate through our bodies together as one. I love it. Everyone is different, but the language is the same! And you learn to balance and spot each other, you learn to spot, you learn to fly, you learn to coach each other.

theres really nothing like this kind of intimate sport! It makes me so excited to be alive! I love to play with partners and develop a little thing together, it switches both ways, one does a handstand, and I learn how to be a better spot - to teach the one balancing awareness off her hips. Then she teaches me, how to feel my hips in turn, what it feels like to reverse that position.

when I was in Austria, I had no one - except my boss, he liked to handle me, and he would do so somewhere quiet outside of work hours yet at work, because he was so infatuated with me and wanted my body. But it worked for me, he would challenge me HARD to balance on one arm, he would actively spot and my muscles would scream and fight and flutter as he would champion me on. With just a finger or two.

then he would get a bit tough and at my command enable progression by yanking my ankles apart so I could feel the next progression, my aim to get a wider more beautiful split in a one armed hand balance. And he would hardly hold me, I was just like putty to him. And that made him excited, as a man. That he was sculpting me.

Christian was somatically connected with me. He was unable to do yoga or handstands and he believed he was incapable of all that, but, by putting his work into me, he grew me as a more whole woman. He made me more tactile and flexible and strong, as a woman. I was his trophy, that he could sculpt into this crazy balancing act on one arm, and it gave him so much imagination and power and ego as a man, to sculpt a woman from a piece of clay muscle.

i have not had this with anyone. Not before or since. As i had a Circus Trainer, a Professional, who way gay, and yes he understood that somatic language, he could coach me with nothing but a finger, he was professional and pushed me hard, and I paid for that.

But. keith cannot do this. He doesn’t even try, or offer, and he keeps me away from friends using the pandemic. I bought a mask just now - for performance, so I can invite friends to play with me, and spot me, and balance with me. I need to get a second mask of different skin colour, so that the other person can play with me. And it will look professional - even though it’s staged and visceral, and raw.

i need to play with others. And I only ever play alone. But that interaction is missing. And Keith will not play. He makes excuses, he attacks me, he says I roll my eyes and chastise him. Which I do. So? You have to learn! But he is not somatic, and he can’t ““feel” me nor communicate.

he can’t communicate somatically with me. He is totally blocked. And yet he blocks me from others. That’s how he disrespects me, and that’s how I am willing to leave. But to go where? We will have to figure that out. Together unfortunately.

as a cerebral and thinking partner, yes I have grown with him. But I don’t owe him anymore, he has looked after me, and I have forced his hand to go on the internet and find his own clients, because I have neglected my own self, my own priorities of being able to find income for myself.

i have been consistently pushed into places in society where I don’t belong. Places which harm me, make me feel worse, all because I was trying to do the right thing, and couldn’t fit in, not with all that bullying.

now it appears I have all the skills I need to develope my own income, and yea it will take time, but I need a somatic partner.
i need play.
i need to develop my own security. And if he does not want to play, then he is not worthy of me staying.

It’s so funny how he attacks me, throws every excuse in the book of not playing. But listen, if you want to play, you play, you invite me, you go out to play, you ask me to join you, as I go out to play, and he does not.

so don’t attack me with that bullshit that I’m telling him off. He’s such a fucking prissy little fucking child who doesn’t respect me. And doesn’t want to play with me.

why the fuck would I chose THAT as a playmate when there are others who simply want to play?

Onnaloves

Ooo so my bait video is working. Some pathetic crazy bitch has decided to jump on my bunny-on-his-back video and lecture me and cause me of killing my rabbit. Yup, bunny owners do this, they are divided into two categories victim SHAME, and VICTIM avoid. The comment was a full paragraph of insanity, it was great food for YouTube to acknowledge me and bring MORE VICTIM DRAMA to my YouTube, to watch the popcorn party.

so, without feeling anything, I started the fire… I dis acknowledged her:
i wrote ““you lose”
under her comment. Now watch the fight begin. This is going to be entertaining.
i muttered it openly to keith, and he said, ““but you lost a good teaching moment” implying I should tell her now that my bunny trusts that I am not a predictor, and he enjoys going on his back.

but. That’s wasted work because commenters are not around to learn, or respond. They do not sit well with learning, because it burns. Lololol so why bother?

I’ll just be an ass, and write ““You lose ” under every wanker. Because I know they are not getting what they wanted. No reconciliation, no one believing them, no service or supply through me. They comment simply to lose.

it’s funny it’s almost as if I’m waiting for the game to begin. Let’s start an all out fire on my channel, and just let them burn it out and raise my YouTube stats.

already today my bunny is getting 2.5k views a day, thanks to little missy whinge alot. Who decided to teach the masses bunnies shouldn’t be laid on their backs… but. That’s my bunny, and he loves it.

bunny audiences are so funny. They are not like cat and dog owners. They think they are special, and some of them are. Some of them have more patience than human, because they do not know who they are.

Onnaloves

I saw this video THIS GEM when it first came out. And that’s what prompted me to call the bitch on my comments a loser.

like, I can’t tell you how freeing this is, now comment style has clarity. And I feel free to just disengage. Or cause a fire. Because YouTube like fires.

and the bitch wrote back and just increased the keyword density on my video.. therefore my view count just went up to 2,900 today hahahahahhaha. I don’t even need to put new content up. Just milk the old stuff with fire starting.

this 2 minute video gem just gave me a clear path towards building my own healing map. I figured out the discourse between Keith and I but I haven’t figured out how to leverage it yet.

i literally don’t know if I can do this on my own, so I suggested to Keith specialist counselling. Sam Vaknin’s wife Lidji offers $150 and Sam Vaknin himself offers it at $300.

it might be worth a single investment from both of us to gain clarity - for our 10th year wedding anniversary. So I suggested it. You see, keith makes decisions about money for both of us. And I need a special kind of help… once who understands the nature of my sexual trauma.

which, you could say what makes me that special? But, you see, I feel like I cannot heal, I feel like that sexual trauma and invasion and destruction of inside my body that was fatal for me body and mind, that I distance myself from my body. And only a Narcissist and his Wife can understand this surely?

id like to know from another woman, how she has adapted and healed - if at all?

my avatar is a hypersexual projection, at a safe distance from me. It attracts the wrong kind of people, and I keep them away. For those that adore me, which I need to feel, I need to feel feminized, give me a pittance of respect and it helps me. Money helps. Because YT people consume me, and I do not get anything for that. Even when YT was monetized, it was a ridiculous pittance. It made me feel like eye rape. That’s all I was. People taking views of me, and paying YouTube not me. And even though I had 5 million views? YT was stealing my soul, consuming my avatar which was a job to keep up.

ao then I decided SEX might heal me. SEX OF THE RIGHT TYPE. But wait a minute, I have just realized, this is an overstep. A junkie fix. This will never work.
it will just keep me addicted to the wrong kind of sex, an insanity perverted ideal of love.

i would be no better than a sex addict. Like B. The Pimp. Hmmmm. There has to be another way to somatically grow, somatically communicate with another. Hmmmmm

Onnaloves

Dream I had last night. Ugh. It was exhausting:
it was the last day of lease, I was a student probably about 19 years old, we all had to pack our dorm apartments and leave. So the apartments could be refreshed for the next term and new people.
(nope I have never lived in a dorm )
i had packed tightly 4 large bags and it was clear I could not carry them to the train station, I had to DITCH 2. So two girlfriends came into my room as I unpacked everything and started shoving things into keep or lose piles.
they were ready to go, and waiting for their parents to pick them up. No one was picking me up, I had to travel somewhere and start over alone. So they were amazed I was throwing stuff out, and I said, anything you want you can keep, else it’s going in the dumpster.
good stuff. Beautiful stuff. Impractical though. They adored the green corsets i pulled out and shoved into the lose pile. They adored green knitted cardigans that were handmade, warm, beautiful and embroidered… so full of potential to adorn me nicely, but, I would never have a complete wardrobe to show it off, and it would be impractical to wash on my future road trip. So I left it and other beautiful customized garments of colour, in the lose it pile.
and the girls squealed with delight. But you could sell these! They said. Everyone is waiting for their parents outside, let’s take them outside and get you some cash! Put them on a sheet outside and get you some travel money.
alright, but here’s the deal, I have sooooo much stuff to throw out, I cannot sort it all AND SELL. I will stay here and sort, and whatever you want you can keep, and whatever you sell you keep half. How’s that sound? So the girls squealed and started going through my stuff taking it downstairs to the parking lot, where other waiting students and parking up parents were tottering through my adorable stuff.
i pulled a huge ball gown out of the wardrobe. Never worn and beautiful, that went in the lose it pile. Don’t need that. Don’t need to be a princess without a man showing me off. That day will never come and it takes up more than a whole bag.
so that went into the lose it pile, as well as big warm coats. I’ll pick one to wear on my back, the rest can go. And I emptied the wardrobe and things got bizarre, it was like a Narnia wardrobe this stuff kept coming out. Like a hoarder of things I don’t need, that all had skill and potential but no place in the world.
a rich boy came into my room. He said, oh my parents are paying my penalty fee, I can’t get everything out of my room, so they are paying a penalty and an extra months rent so I can clear my stuff out gradually over the next few days.
WOW LUCKY YOU I said. Mummy’s boy gets to get away with shit. I need your strength to pull some stuff out my wardrobe. This stuff is getting ridiculous. So he helped me lever out a huge vending machine over the lip of the wardrobe. How it fit I don’t know. But yeh I’ve been hiding this money making machine all along.

i don’t need it now so let’s drag it in the hallway, for next years students to use. I didn’t have any pockets so I emptied the burdensome pocket change and stuffed it all down my tights. Heavy coins, hundreds of them, and I lumbered downstairs to the cash exchange machine and pumped it up with coins from my tights, and took the notes that leaved out the cash exchange so I could travel light, and survive I don’t know how long on the road.
now the boys were interested in my wardrobe. I pulled out a Lego engine. Perfectly working and beautifully made. An articulating model made of red Lego bricks. Giant, a lot of intricate work, lots of skill but zero need for this. So the boys gave me $50 bucks for it.
outside was like a vulture storm. Everyone raising my heap of belongings. The girls hung on to some, they all made money, and gave me a few notes. I’m left in the car park alone. With a roll of notes in my pocket, a roller bag and a rucksack. And now I started my journey walking alone.
i was heading to a train station, but I do not know where I was going, as nowhere was home.

Onnaloves

Started a new TV series, which I have become ADDICTED TO. Shadow and Bone. It is full of amazing metaphor and ancient lost culture and division and greed and defense mechanisms and pain and oh oh oh I am so in love with the writers mind I’m just dying to treat myself and study her soul.
so I did and you know how stories are autobiographical? Even if they are magical? For all real art contains your soul and you have to know how to read it. Art tells me so much about you. Whether the medium is lyrical or visceral, paint or dance, sewn or engineered, it tells me everything I need to know about it’s creator - and their place in society.

so Shadow and Bone, when I saw the first episode, I knew a lot about the author of the book it was based on. And I know I have to study the author, to see her map and her paths and see if I can use it for my own.

SHADOW AND BONE. A title like that has DEEP meaning to me, it means first of all she sees people’s shadows, and also, something about their bones. Their strength and weaknesses. A very visceral understanding of the body, already, I know this author is something worth studying, I know whoever it is, must feel as I feel, must be made of the similar thing.

and I was not disappointed. A quick research at first revealed she was a Jew, born in Israel and came to America. She is of a culture that has 6000 years of roots, something persecuted and separated from her ancestors. I know this feeling well, and she revealed she suffers from a bone disease. What are the chances of this? She has the same as mine?

mine is undiagnosed, but there is no reason, it’s Aseptic, and Asymptomatic, it just flares up over time. She has a label for it, but the disease itself has no cure and no medical understanding no known cause, except I know the cause…

i THINK it’s chromosome 16. That has a schizophrenia gene, and has a thalassimia gene, which is a weakness of the blood. That causes the oxygen to deplete, and the spleen to enlarge as the body antagonises the bones to produce more blood. But, the problem is, the bones necrotise and deform, and it starts in the hips.

the author walks with a cane, and she wears goth lipstick, like a witch, she believes she sees death. As I do. So, I know she suffers with hypoxic traits, and has visions as I do.

the problem is western medicine, gives disease a name, but stops and tries to cure the disease, instead of seeing the person integrally, which is a more scientific approach, not witchcraft. So I don’t need doctors, until I cannot help myself, for most of the time I know how to try to correct the imbalances of the flow within my body.

this TV series SHADOW AND BONE is exactly how I think, written in metaphor and fantasy. And I am so in love right now! I have a role model! I have a real woman I can use as my map of healing. So I will study her books to read her mind, I will dig up her interviews to find out more about her ancestry, I want to know if her disease can change like mine has. I have found a protein spike in my genes, that causes me great advantage with angiogenesis, the development of new blood vessels, and I think I’m lucky because, it was this that enabled my bones to rebalance, I can physically change because I know I have this protein spike.

the reason I know it is because my immune system forms strong eosinophils, which accumulate in my decidua, and that’s why I shed such large weird casts, because I spike when I am changing. It’s a system sitting on the x-chromosome, to develop a strong immune response, to counteract the weakness of the blood. People like me become immune to malaria, because we have weak blood that parasites cannot survive on.

im pretty sure I should get my genes tested, my youngest daughter would like to know if she’s a carrier of these traits. So maybe I should get all of us tested.

anyway, I’m round right now, there is a successful valuable woman in society who has similar traits to me. I can’t tell you how proud I am. It’s like suddenly there is a star that I can emulate and understand better my own path. I feel better now connected to ancient culture that even though Jews are not related to Chinese, they share many of the same ancient principles, of reverence for culture.

ancient culture, not modern bastard culture. I cannot yet see a purpose for bastardised culture. It’s like a Bratty teenager of a culture with a single parent and alienation. What a fucked up way to see the world that is.

Onnaloves

OMG woke up this morning to hilarious unravelling on my YouTube

I Used to suffer HUUUUUGE anxiety with comments, now I’m actually slaughtering people and it’s fun, because this comment came in, and triggered the YT sentinel as she was using abusive words, so it blocked her. So, she ultimately lost, and I didn’t get to let her know that.
BUT, the traffic on this video and it’s playlist is still up, because a separate algorithm is looking for people to send to the video based on the bunny bully. It’s like the algorithm is caught in a viscous loop on itself. You can trigger sentinels by getting people to act out in the comments, then the sentinels block people, but too late, the algorithm is throwing more people at you.
The trick is, to not get into the argument itself and get labelled. You have to be obtuse, off topic, inert, AND LET THEM SPIRAL OUT AND LOSE. This, is proving to be an entertining game. Spot the crazies.

Onnaloves

YouTube caught me at the desktop today, with a huge banner asking me to fill out a creator survey. I’ve done this before on my last channel. YouTube has problems, and it develops add-on algorithms to solve each problem, but then they act out separately as they get caught in loops and creators like me get punished.
So lala lala i fill out the survey, on how little I derive from YT and it’s constant source of agony. I am a creator, and they disrespect me, so I use that when I answer their survey which is designed to gaslight you and manipulate you into BELIEVING everything YT does is to protect other users from your scummy videos. LOL
the last box was identifying my gender…. hmmm
what shall I put. At first I ticked female… but then no, I decided not. There was no box for hypersexual.
because gender identity is something I struggle with. So if I’m honest I’m not female, nor male, but kinda both. Kinda too arrogant to be female. And self loathing like a male. Because I’m better than all of that ((snark) my gender identity is fucked up because it’s MIXED with my sexual identity which is FUCKED UP because it’s ONLINE. Not real. Not physical in the real world.

in the real world I’m just a woman. Malformed and primitive, underdeveloped, a bit stupid as a woman. A ward. A leach. A survivor. An invalid. Ugh. In the real world I am pathetic, and I am mentally ill and can’t get out of my own fucking way. Unless I grow, and heal… hmmm

but in this nonsense avatar world I am free. My gender is mixed witb my sexuality. It’s like a goddess to SOME, not all, but the few that identify it, is all I need to give me supply. I am not hurting anyone. They are trapped in the same disorder as I. Their hypersexual disorder can merge with mine and feed their supply. Which is always hungry, but hey at least I manifest it for them so they don’t go and fuck someone else up right?

so the gender I was honest and ticked OTHER.
because it’s important that somehow YouTube acknowledges there are OTHERS. Not whole female, not whole male, but something mixed up of the two.

like all my trans followers. And the hilarious thing is, yes they all group together, even though the red blooded males HATE TRANS. Like homophobically hate them. Yet all these trans are doing to me, is identifying with hypersexuality, saying LOOK THATS A CARTOON OF A WOMAN THAT’S what I should be! The trans yearn to be something they are not, through me. The predator males who are thirsty for me, project what they want out of a woman. They see me as REAL, naturally hypersexual, and they WISH women were like that for their own kinky desires. Not realizing it’s all about what what a woman wants not what they want.

so the last box asked me to describe how YouTube has helped or harmed me. And I stated, YouTube punishes hypersexuality, it fails to recognize it as a place in damaged selves that need healing. Instead YouTube deletes people like me. YT harms me and People like me.

but this will fall on deaf ears because they will not understand it.

Onnaloves

I don’t talk much about the interactions I have with my daughters here. Because it’s like the interactions are merely a reflection of myself. I see behavior that I have done before that has not helped me, and saved me from feeling abused, but enabled me to continue blind. Until this day. Where the nature of my malformed defense systems has imploded my ability to make sense of the world and survive.
so everytime my girls write to me, with a bunch of burns, I understand and identify why they are burning and why I burn. That in 40 years I have not adapted, I have simply mal-adapted. And somehow gone the other way, further from my core self, controlling it from inside like a kite 🪁 on a tether, and when the lightening strikes and the thread burns, the fuse is broken and I get to roll out another kite with an avatar on it, my new lightening distractor.
and I see my daughters fighting with the same burns, and try to guide them by showing them options… which I do not seem to take myself. So now I am trying. But I’m not even one step on the ladder.
it’s just a path that I can’t tread on until I am in reality stepping on that path.
right now all I have is maps, but no practice. So I’m trying to exercise practice by seeing how many times I can feel the burns on my channel, and how I can rupture and reveal the crazy intent of trespassers without falling to their level of feeling burned too much.
the next step is to actually use this technique in confrontation witb my husband, to see if he realizes what my goal is, instead of manipulating me to be someone else. I need to SOMATICALLY GROW. And the best way I can do that is through somatic communication. Where I feel such positive reward for breaking through communication barriers.
i do not feel the reward system so well, when it is verbal, just verbal, because the feels inside me can be overwhelming.
if only I was given the option as a kid to be taught in a somatic environment, that I have somatic skills to communicate. If only this was a reality in modern day culture. If only this was a part of society that existed. Somatic integration equal to cerebral integration.
you see, society and fake society ((the internet) measures all communication as success or failure based on cerebral challenges. Not visceral.
for if you learn somatically, this has a symbionts effect on communication. The body uses such metaphors to open up channels so we can speak more clearly and relatable.
other more ancient cultures have this, it’s like a syllabus. But modern society does not, so it is missing out on symbiosis, a recognition of a buffer, a space to calm ourselves and slow down the fire of shooting mouths of neurotic emotional dysfunction.
somatic is your hardwiring, you cannot change your soma. But, if you understand how it reacts, and compares senses for error correction, you can ground yourself more easily.
somatic interaction is what I need, and that will rebalance my emotional blindness, which triggers me to react feeling unheard and misunderstood.
for that is the antithesis of love.
if you are not heard and understood, you are unloved.
and there is a huge portion of communication soma, missing from our language in society.

Onnaloves

Somatic communication. How can I define it? It’s a mixture of non verbal and verbal. It’s the way a toddler speaks.

it’s a form of communication between early siblings. And children. And we lose it when we are adult.

it looks like play. It can be gestures and sign language. It expresses laughter. But not from telling jokes. It comes from mimicking, and impression, improvisation, miming, chi gong, Tai chi, pas des deux, partner dance, partner acrobatics, training…

hmmm. Training especially, like martial arts, like personal training. Someone physically giving you feedback on signs you aren’t noticing in your body. How crazy is this? That most adults do not have somatic communication skills and learning and growth?

doctors are given hints at bedside manner, to hold a hand, for comfort and empathy LOL this cracks me up…

i saw doctors in the emergency room, working on a boy, and the boys neck was internally decapitated…

the doctors were like psychopaths.

i also noticed, there was pandemonium in the news today, and Keith was visibly disturbed. But I feel nothing, I never react to pandemonium on the news, if anything I get a little interested, excited even that people are getting so passionately wrought, and lose all sense of themselves…

i feel nothing. And I have always been this way, the news and paranoia never bothers me. It’s like, I’ll go to sleep now, wake me up when the world ACTUALLY ENDS, this is boring, and people are interesting when they start to lose their shit.

i like disaster movies where everyone dies, that’s a nice relief for me. When Christian’s cat died i felt nothing, I actually found it funny that a grown ass man would weep about his cat. When I was merely thinking, the cats in a better place that with him. Hmmm I wasn’t being spiteful, my honest feelings were, the cat was suffering more alive than dead. And Christian well, this blubbering was amusing coming from him. And I can’t mother him.

he called me cold and unempathetic and I replied yup that’s true. I don’t feel empathy. I get hurt but that’s not the same as feeling for you. I can cognitively understand how that must feel, but, I kinda don’t care because it doesn’t help me.

so, I have always known I had no empathy, or very little, because I don’t even feel my own emotions. Like I know when I am happy or sad, but there’s no gradient no subtlety, no constellation of varying degrees i can uniquely grasp or understand. And I don’t even wish to explore it, like there’s enough on my plate figuring out the burns I feel in my body and brain.
those must be emotions, but I do not know what they mean.
so I have somatic emotions? Not cerebral. That makes sense to me. I have never experienced foreplay. That might be interesting, as somatic communication goes.

but in the absence of that, what else can I experiment with? To find a channel to explore? Training with a partner is what I need and must do. And I don’t have anyone for that.

training alone is not the same, I am unable to share what’s going on with anyone and get them to reflect back to me what they feel. All of this would in my mind increase my vocabulary and verbal -social intelligence. But, I am blocked from this path until I find a playmate.

so I need to work on that.

Onnaloves

Oh geez 🙄 😬😬😬 can you imagine I actually find a playmate to train, and instead I’m like - ah shit this persons gonna die - in around 5 years - she’s got a risk of aneurisms and I can feel that shit in my head!

guess I’ll have to figure out how to move around that topic… that’ll be creepy as fuck. I don’t care about you but your heads gonna pop. LMAO. My fucked up empathy, I can feel your veins weakness inside me. It’s gross having this kind of sensation around people. Makes my fucking skin crawl.

Onnaloves

SHADOW AND BONE. OMG im so addicted to these beautiful metaphors of different kinds of empathy.

A heart render, is a kind of human called a grisha who has the ability to tell if someone is lying, by feeling their flow. And also, control the flow of their blood. They can make peoples hearts stop or warm up and start. They are often called witches by people who are afraid of them.

they sound like they have my kind of empathy, because that’s what I feel inside, my blood flow and the wind inside. And I know that people don’t feel this, but as an example if I stroke my face, I feel the wind rush in a part of my brain. If I put my head on the pillow, I can count my heartbeat rhythm, from the flow in my neck… and one other thing I feel that comforts me, is the polker dot sensations, coming from the conical vortex at the back of my brain. It slows down when I tune into it, from 8hz then slowly down as I fall asleep.
but I find these signs of life comforting, and I haven’t met anyone yet who feels the things I feel in my head.
that became apparant to me when I was a teenager, after the ghost child rumors about me. I felt so ashamed about it, I gaslit myself that maybe I make all this up somehow.
i denied the skill that I have for 25 years, until I went to school to study anatomy, anthropology, PaleoPathology, just to figure out facets of humanity that make me different.
in the bone lab there were many hoardes of bones and complete skeletons, the bins were about 100 years old, several specimens of such varying phylotypes all expressed from the same DNA, a gene pool of bones from all over the world.
i found examples of my flaws, and knew I was different.
my differential analysis and comparison of the bone pathologies I saw in the lab, gave me this picture of myself:
a bone defect in my sacrum, I have an open tunnel where the nerves are not protected by bone. Which means my sacral plexus is exposed to ameliosis, scarring and plaquing.
i have a large rib cage, with extra floating ribs, which seems to be from mountain dwelling ancestors. My bones have schlera, scar formations that come from the cancellous bone.
and on and on, I managed to map my whole structure, and finally found a skull about 1000 years old, who matched my proportions and even had the shovel teeth - the same as mine. I took her photo, and compared it to my face, her features similar to my own. She had an Inca bone in her skull, an unusual plate that had not knitted. Apparently these Inca bones cannot be seen in x-ray, but they trace back through familial generations for thousands of years, matching the family line.
i knew my bones were different.
but I can’t just say that. And it’s not like I need to go out and shout it out, but, if what I feel especially inside my head, is something not a lot of people feel or understand… let alone document it…
what are the chances that there are a few who feel as I feel?
who feel the things inside I feel? Yet cannot understand emotions, and feel like some kind of alien amongst us, isolated from within. It’s not just being autistic, but a certain kind of autistic. This is why I’m convinced that psychology terminology is theoretical based on the wrong ideas.
anyway, I should go to sleep, but I’m excited about shadow and bone, how this author was able to metaphorically describe my kind. I wonder if she feels this too?
there are other Grisha with different skills, and she’s nailed them pretty well too.

Onnaloves

The other kinds of grisha:
Sun summoner and darkling (around which the story focuses) a darkling has a shadow self that is over powerful and manipulative and ultimately selfish. He is an amazing Sociopath of highest order. The relationship between his mother and himself is fascinating to see in metaphor.
The sun summoner is what leads the movie, and she has personality traits of his mirror.
min Chinese culture, it is the women who are dark and the men light. But it’s interesting how they use it here. The author seems to have pulled direct clues from some Chinese Culture, or at least others which have similar values.
one Grisha that fascinates me is “the tailor” for she doesn’t do clothes, she does the skin. She can erase scars, and reconstitute the skin… she magically applies makeup to people from bugs and gives them masks, changes their faces… and she has the exact quality of a borderline. Also, she is a slave to ultimately all despite her position.
so watching Shadow and Bone has given me great metaphors to see how I relate to the world, I want to know the outcome for everyone now…

Onnaloves

Sitting in the bath again. Feeling time distortion. Decided to come here and try to figure it out, what am I feeling underneath?
It feels like a big war inside. I have bruises on my body appear today. And a pain in my pancreas yesterday - familiar unfortunately and keith noticed that I winced over dinner then stopped eating.
now today I have bruises on my arms and legs. And I am feeling time distortion. For the first time I am recognizing this shit and trying to work it out.
i think I can communicate somatically with my body. If you can communicate somatically with others, then demonstrate it first on yourself. So that’s what I’m going to do, to figure this time distortion out.
there was a horrible cyst that erupted on my chin, I have been inadvertently picking and picking until the thing exploded. It just so happens to be located on a feature of bone on the chin called the mental eminence, named hundreds of years ago, because men had a larger mental eminence than women, and it supported their theory that men were thinkers holding their chin and tweaking their beards while in thought.
this is somatic communication.
when you study skills they have feminine and masculine traits. You can sex a skull based on the differential of bony features.
pathologists know this, but no one has yet put forward why this differential occurs. And I know why…
testosterone causes the long skeletal muscles to grow stronger, and this force has to be supported by the bone, so the ““bundle bone” grows more thick and unidirectional, and makes bony features stand out on the skull.

estrogen causes the growth of glue, glia, Latin for glue, but BLOOD is considered connective tissue, and it grows from within the diplo bone. The marrow, the cancellous bone.
so in female expression the tiniest long bones that have a core, start to expand and create boss-features on the forehead, on the parietal bones, in the cheekbones too, in the eye sockets also, this is the fastest way the brain can use more blood.
the female jawbone becomes a softer angle, the male pyramid grows large behind the ear, the occipital ridge grows large and these are the attachment points of the neck muscles, from the masculine tendency to intimidate by puffing up his upper body and rule through fear.

feminine bodies do not express this kind of competition, unless like me, I’ve always used my ridiculous upper body strength to climb and balance on one hand. The testosterone is strong in me. But I do not use it to intimidate.

so I think I have to learn where to tap on my body to figure out what I am feeling, why all this time distortion?

i smell bad. I’m sitting in the bath but my smell is oozing out from my skin. Something is wrong. I am unhealthy today. My liver is struggling. Hmmm

my sinuses hurt I think. The fungus is growing again.
i struggle with my blood sugar levels, I’ve been nearly passing out a lot this week. It happens 6 times a day, and I go grab some chocolate, that fixes it, but now it’s not, I am agitated inside. I can feel my pancreas burning. I think I feel sick. Oh

the fungus is growing because of the sugar. Dammit. I can’t stay balanced. My pancreas is struggling today, wonder what I can do to help it?

dandelions might help, licorice might help, dandelion roots might help. Hmmm I can feel something wrong inside, this sucks.

the last time I had a blood test a year ago the doctor said my liver was injured. And those test results cancelled out my husbands attempt to get life insurance on me 😂 I remember the phonecall, and he complained about it to me. Asked me to get new blood tests done so he could apply again.

now he’s agitated… oh… that’s when the time distortion started. Wait he’s overwhelmed today, and angry over application forms for loans and stuff… and I am feeling this. But somehow, it’s gone into my pancreas, made me worse somehow. I am ill I think, and if these symptoms continue I need to see a doctor.

my poop smells funny and turned a funny colour.

Onnaloves

Slept most of the day then checked my phone and there’s an email… that suckered me in and now I’m raring to do something and get my shit together.
it’s special hacking software, ugh and I want it sooooo bad. I have an intuition about such types of software and I’m always right. Everytime I purchase a special kind of AI, it’s like I’m a member of a club that knows how to undermine the platforms in a new way…
and this one is getting under my skin like I want it so bad. I’m thinking about how to afford it… I have one week before my Patreon funds arrive then I can buy it. Fuck, I have to do it. When you’re a member of the club like me, you don’t say it’s name or advertise it. You keep things to yourself, and we are all traceable because we are connected to this community.
so when someone wants to sell us something, the news in the community spreads fast but we do not talk about it. Kinda weird right? I know.
so this special software is an AI in the cloud that draws its processing power from several algorithms that are commonly available, but instead it’s organized into a kind of neuro-net.
this AI is designed to ““respin” " your audio content into new content, into new paragraphs and podcasts. And before it delivers it to all podcast broadcasting channels, it can even respin your content in other languages, using an AI.
there are different levels of AI out there that can respin languages in your voice. So you could be talking in another language.
so, the reason I go apeshit crazy over AI software like this, is because of its potential… I have some ideas and content, but, it would be easier to have an AI distribute it all for me, so that I can make the right connections…
i have never conferred with keith over my use of AI software, it’s just my thing. And he wouldn’t understand, or see the potential of it. And I don’t want to debate it with him. It’s my thing, all that I know, I know the internet inside out. But I have difficulty reacting to the human element in it. So instead I try to control it, leverage it, monetise it, milk it.
the internet is like my vending machine, people consume bits of crap, and I collect the pennies. But lately I have unplugged. I’m rethinking my vending machine altogether. Because it doesn’t help anyone but me. It’s a huge secret to keep hidden. A burden. But if I could help people instead? That would be less burdensome. Knowing I have the right kind of vending machine, would make me feel a bit more free.

Onnaloves

Mmm questions. I’ve always hated them. The intrusion the inquisition. And something gaslit me years ago ““no question is a stupid question” well that’s diminishing somehow, it trains people to think they have a right to question, and most people don’t even consider whether they have a right to impose their question on others.

in the good doctor he hates questions. So did I, but after a while he became different and allowed them. He became ““more normal” right? Or was it that, he knew his colleagues intent better? Their internal intent not that of the question.

i have NEVER BEEN ABLE to deal with people’s questions. It always felt like questions were a selfish thing to do, to take from someone without prefacing why you want to know. And the answer is most people do not know, why they want to know.

what would they do with that knowledge? Soothe themselves, or reframe newfound knowledge and pass it on, so that the question never has to be asked again.

soooo why am I going on about this? It’s because something hit me recently, like blew me away, why should I feel so anxious and offended when people ask questions, because I am feeling bad. Being sucked leached, endless supply. And I do not have enough for myself, especially these days.

maybe I should ask more questions and take that energy back? Lol I don’t think it works like that. Or does it?

i believe questions are in the dopamine quadrant of my personality map. When your questions are true, for growth, you can grow through dopamine reward. But when your questions are for validation, and for sublimation, then they fall into the seratonin quadrant, which is all increasing neurosis.

neurosis is a learned behavior, a maladapted behavior and expression.

psychosis is in the dopamine realm. Of error correction and comparison. The dopamine reward is when you solve the problem. And your intelligence grows, your emotional health restores. But

seratonin does the opposite. Seratonin becomes a symbionts, a zombie, a sheep who accuses others of being sheep. Interesting. How do you get a sheep to ask the right question and receive the right answers to it can counterbalance sheep and grow again?

Onnaloves

I used to DREAD comments. The notifications on my phone would HURT ME. So much so that I had to mute my phone and turn off banners. But that didn’t help because when I tune in to look at my stats, I would get BURNED.
it didn’t even matter if I was putting a comment on someone else’s channel. I would feel burned either way if someone acknowledged me, enough to attack me. Everything was an attack. Nothing felt good about interacting.
the comments in my Instagram was safer, because I was not separated from myself there, I was integrated, purposely to show my daughters all sides of me. From sexuality to brokenness, from vulnerability to ego. And no matter the burns I felt on Instagram I was trying to myself so it did not matter.
i have people write to me privately, uninvited, and I ignore them. Because they were uninvited.
but YOUTUBE is harder to figure out. HOW TO DEAL WITH COMMENTS.
Now i look forward to the burn - I really do. I’m practicing my verbal attacks. I’m getting my ENERGY back, by practicing everywhere on YouTube.
on videos I like, I will defend my interest, and slaughter questioners.
i slaughter mal adapted half compliments. And I wait for their replies and I’m loving the burn like you won’t believe. Because inside I know they can’t win with me, no one gives me interesting things to think about.
even the people that idolize me, I’m getting snarky with for fun.
that communication 101. Has helped me so so much! But now I’m practicing it as much as possible, in finger tempo time to develop scripts in my head to stay in conversation.
i cannot stay in conversation for I feel attacked. I feel constantly attacked and that gives me more anxiety and I shut down. I am attacked by questions I can’t answer, because my way of searching for truth is to relate to others whatever it is I cannot see in myself, by looking for where I DISLIKE THEM.
if I dislike you, it’s because you have a handle on something I cannot do. In a way it’s a fucked up idolization, I’m jealous you have something in you that brings you closer to humanity that I cannot do.
fucking asshole. That’s the truth.

Onnaloves

Here’s my notification feed, it’s pretty cool I’m getting burned… BUT I’m fighting through it. I’m learning how to script future verbal interactions. This is slow work for me, because I am not used to dialogue.
i do not share conversation with anyone, not even my husband. We engage in light chat, but nothing that helps either of us grow. And I am working on that.
he attacked me today and shut me down, as usual, that’s just what he does.
so I went to the bath and thought about how I could re-enter the fight… I returned after my bath and a write, and sure enough he babbled on stuck in his world of pain. That I relinquished from half an hour ago to figure out plunging in on the offense this time, hijacking his pain in the ass loop of blame.
so I said:
“well I can give you my interpretation of what the lady wants, if you don’t shut me down again” ((challenge)"
I didn’t shut you down? What do yo mean I shut you down. I didn’t hear you!
“ I said 37,000 dollars- and before I could carry on you shouted I KNOW WHAT SHE SAID BLAHBLAHBLAH” so you cut me off and shut me down before knowing what I was going to offer…
crazy thing. He defended, he twisted. He rewrote the event, no apology, he said: I WAS THINKING OUT LOUD AND DIDNT HEAR YOU INTERRUPT ME….

LOL ok I see, I have nothing to say that’s worth thinking about then.
and then he entered the challenge without apology. LOL so I explained my thoughts on this ladies problem with my foreign income, that has nothing to do with my EDD claim, but there you go, I’ve caught her. There’s records and voicemails and documented memos, even if I get disqualified, I have a path to appeal, because I didn’t do some bullshit phonecall that paints me in a corner with my disability in communicating where I can’t win.

so, he thought about this, and we made a deal. He will come up with a memo I feel comfortable with. And I’ll check his words. Then we will re-submit. Fate decides where the cards may fall if I get rejected again. It will not be his fault. Just the system that I always fall through. I always fall through cracks in the system, that’s the source of my anxiety. So I plugged up the holes by leaving a trail of evidence this time.

as for the comments… the murky one in Yellow. Does it make her feel good to complain about my house? Like a straw man attack on me to say o can’t house my bunnies? How fucked up is that. And the half assed cover up ““no hate” bullshit. I called her out for being so offensive. She can’t defend that.

and the interesting comment from petulant pedros, your first comment was otherworldly LMAO do you not realize this online world IS NOT REAL? But I’m down with the kidz which is true, I am forever learning.

incidentally the people that engage me, it’s really funny how I fight through the burn and antagonize them by subscribing to their consumer profile. It has nothing on it, as though he is pretending he has no ego. Yah right.

i want to feel the burn and keep on fighting through it. I defend my interests, and so far no one gives up more info to prove the point wrong. And they perpetuate the argument, as if… they are defending their ego. lol

i need more practice. I do not have words to use well in any conversation. But first I will defend my interests and turn savage if I have to. Let’s see if anyone gives me something else to learn

Onnaloves

Today is a day of celebration!
it’s my 10 year wedding anniversary! And I have NEVER CELEBRATED IT BEFORE!
but I prepared a month ago. It’s unfair of me to deny Keith of that. So I researched a Chinese Seal Stone for him, and ordered it with his name, and ordered it with his symbol of his animal idiom.
it arrived waaaaay early. And I gave it to him and said: I’m sorry this is early, but I’ve had a problem every year of celebrating marriage, because it falls on a date I made a choice to save myself and forget my daughters. Which I never could… because my eldest daughter, was the day I was supposed to return, instead I outstayed my visa and we got married instead.
i had felt guilt ever since, and never celebrated our anniversary. Or my birthday. Or Christmas. Because there was too much guilt of abandonment of my own Children…
my daughters were kidnapped Boxing Day, the day after christmas, 15 years ago. It’s been one year since we’ve been in contact, and no me I am free to be a mother again.
so my daughters birthday is tomorrow, and I am editing a special film for her, to show her her name:

i have done a lot of research, and I do infact honor what my mother taught me. Ironic I know, I honor my mother INSPITE of how she abused me. Because she was smarter than she knew, she survived, I was merely collateral damage. For an untrained wild mind. I still love both my parents, I don’t know how that makes sense, when I find it hard to love myself.
but now I appreciate how much my mother could do, and how much I can do, and none of it has gone to waste.
ive led a pretty rich life inspite of everything.

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