The more I ramble in here, the more I seem to be able to untangle a huge mess in my head, and come closer to the core wound of my troubles. And somehow, it wasn’t all about rape.
rape was an event I survived, multiple events I survived, I learned how to cope, but there were two things that came out of it that fucked me up for life.
I’m struggling today with a strange clarity of mirror language between Keith’s perspective and my own, how they are in the same direction, but somehow working against each other.
I am nothing more than a ward. A leach. A woman. Who has no value as a woman. That is the way the system works. Women are not even recognized as people, we are simply tools for the system.
think about how, a black person is given 3/5ths of a personhood. So that the census gains more federal funds, yet a person without personhood has no rights to land, or pretty much anything to only 3/5ths of a name.
well, women are the same. We are not recognized as whole, nor of value to society. And this is endemic everywhere in the world. At least in China, there was a system of respect, to always respect and honor your parents and family.
but here, I realized I slipped through the patriarchal cracks long ago, and never recovered. When my mother first used my name to open a shop, because I was too young. She dodged the law and hid her business not paying taxes because the husband is the breadwinner, and she was overlooked.
when I ran away from home, and became a ward of another man, the system did not recognize me as an individual because I was female, and independence was not granted because my parents would not declare their income for me to be looked after by the state. So instead, they said “oh you’re living with a man, so he is looking after you, therefore we won’t step in and do that job, because you are a ward of another man”
and this went on and on. This was not what I wanted, but everywhere I went, I was denied grants, denied means tested support, because I was a ward of a man and actually not seen as an individual woman who needed help. So I grew up like this, slipping through the cracks of the system, becoming taken advantage of by men, to run their businesses and slave for them, as I was too afraid to simply be alone in a system that judged me as a whore. Sharing the bed of men, therefore undeserving of being whole, individual, a human being, who could not support herself.
how unkind is this world? That even now under the guise of EDD unemployment I still suffer being a ward, slipping through the cracks of support, because I have a husband, who I am forced to share a bed with, because that is expected and normalized, even when I am repulsed of touch and being touched.
my first unemployment claim was denied, and my appeal was lost. And I blamed that on my husband, so when he forced me to apply again, I said I WILL DO IT MY WAY, and once again, I am denied… because I have a husband…
I pointed this out to him and said, no matter what you think, there is a woman on the end of the line, who asks questions to fill in a yes or no box, but she heard your voice and decided - I was not alone, I had a MAN looking after me, stepping in to twist her inquisition, so she punishes me by thinking “oh this woman has a MAN looking after her, therefore I will DENY HER” and it’s really as simple as that.
the systems are systemically set up to deny women. They are manned by women who are used as pawns to deny other women out of fear they will lose their jobs. Because losing their jobs means they are a WARD OF MEN, and they will do anything to say they are not, by denying other women of help, when they are a ward of husbandry.
my marraige is not fake, but sadly I have lost love, because I cannot communicate. My anxiety rises when I know I cannot communicate, I will be misunderstood, I will be branded lazy and punished for it, when all I want to do is be comfortable in my own skin. Yet I can’t because I am set up to fail expectations of me, I am so mentally ill i cannot look after myself. How is this fair? When a system that should recognize me, won’t. Refuses.
if I had been utterly alone, I would be homeless, without the means to access a computer and make a living from remote, because without SHELTER provided by a man, I have no assets, nothing to Frame the pretty life a woman who every wants to honor. But a homeless woman not.
it’s funny to me that a woman is merely a cute pet. When she has trappings to decorate herself and put herself in the garden of Eden. Every man wants to own her then. But when she is nothing like me, and supposedly without a home or any assets, not even a phone or ability to film herself and put herself out there, she is an unworthy pet.
I know so much about the way society works, and this skill gives me the ability to use the dominance of my carer, as an expert in his field, to fly him high on his pedestal, so that he may get clients, which in turn feeds me. But when I am no good at that, no one will value me for simply who I am, because I am a woman.
even the language I speak, the language of women, is not on the same path as men. They only want to see one thing from us, that we can understand them. But they do not want to understand us, and that’s where all the trouble begins. We women are the ones that sacrifice everything, and usually at the end of life, the lucky ones became self aware through a kind man. But those of us that are not so lucky, never become self aware.
women can only become self aware through a man. That is our curse, and men are unfortunately incapable in this changing world, of recognizing the demand they placed on us. They want us to be independent, yet the system does not recognize that we are not. And this toil inside our brains, of being unseen by systems, unhelped because there is a man in our life, means society abandons us.
I do not have my EDD claim, yet all I did was tell the truth, but somehow the women on the other end believes I do not need help because I have a husband. And I proved that to him today. Boy is he mad. Lol
