Stealing this:
Deef Schizoid is splitting persona… where aggression is disowned, to point of not conscious or blocked…
I did not know this but this fits. I didn’t think my persona was so split, like a personality split. Maybe it wasn’t completely isolated from each other like what appeared on the DID channel. But the DID channel acted out so literally what goes on IN MY HEAD, that I was drawn to her. This is the shit that I was dealing with every day not realizing it was a thing I didn’t have to deal with.
the voices are really silent now. My headaches are still present but moving forward through my brain and now sitting more behind the eyes. My brain feels like a bigass bruise. And I have been unable to to handstands for a bit because the bloodflow is excessive in my brain right now, when i invert I have no control of the bloodflow and my head feels like it’s going to explode. So good aversion right now to just stretching instead and working on my back.
so I subscribed to DID, then I subbed because of the crazy shit under her videos. Like literally people were normalizing this behavior and giving it a pass, when some of it was clearly mean spirited little bitch. JUST BECAUSE she has a fucking disorder, is no reason to celebretize fucking bitch disorder.
so I unsubscribed. Just vile disgusted at how she was eccentuating and hyper-acting her splitting personas, to draw an audience to normalize her “evil halves” when clearly this over exaggeration was being treated as normal instead of being a metaphor or extreme example of how disordered behavior becomes manifest. Disordered and warped personalities away from the norm. Are just not helpful for people like me, who want to assimilate “normal” in their lives yet display what being different has its values.
I’ve studied schizophrenia videos a lot, but it’s mostly videos of people bitching about how troubled they are with voices and hallucinations in their head. I could relate to it all, and even identities where some of them were coming from, which made me think they all must therefore come from somewhere, so I never feared them, until one voice in particular, a mans voice became really fucking intrusive.
this mans voice has been around before and I don’t know when he started in my head. I don’t know if it’s from other men in the room, like I’m literally in their heads hearing what they think. But the man in my head is congealed out of what feels like many, a single pipeline for all the memories and attack modes I have of men.
and because it thinks like a man, and attacks me like a man, it predicts men’s behaviour around me, and calls them out. So I used to use him as a kind of divining method for “avoiding men”
Deef says I have a kinda crazy brain. But I would simply say, I was used to it all my life and found it to cope pretty well during my hazardous life. Just that, it obviously sucked a lot of energy out of me to maintain all this bullshit going on in my head. I’m a visual metaphor memory processesor, and I often misunderstand, or make wrong baseline assumptions or metaphors, and as a result - I suffer disastrous seizures. Because the metaphor didn’t line up to the senses. And the anger that shot out, yet was stuck or something, energized a fire vortex so strong it burned my circuits. Completely FRIED AND CUT OFF my ability to think. Like my brain was simply punishing me for learning SHIT THAT DIDNT MAKE SENSE, so it fried my logic circuits, and completely took away my executive function so I had to start over from the beginning like a fucking 2 year old. I couldn’t even get my fucking shoes on or get dressed.
so am I schizoid? Probably yes, but it seems to be re-configuring. Knowing peoples winds of cumulative disease, has never hurt me, infact it’s actually HELPED ME. I didn’t realize people used empathy to fuel the need to connect with each other. But I have been VALIDATING my feel for disease by learning physiognomy, these features in our faces and bodies that no one seems to document anywhere have a differential layout according to our brain type.
so studying the face and features, can tell me a lot about how your brain is physically wired. And this is important feedback that I can use to validate what I feel with the winds in peoples bodies. So this is my empathy. Others feel emotions, and they have other methods to validate they are right, and when they are wrong they go into cognitive dissonance.
for me, I get the burns, and much bigger when I’m weak, I get seizures. Hopefully I’ve rebuilt a lot in my brain to avoid those foundation seizures. Which is what all that freaking bloodflow in my brain was about. It affected my ADHD, since that’s caused by a bloodflow in the brain issue. That no matter how hard you focus in something you need to do, if it doesn’t line up with your passion - you can’t executive function to complete the task. Which sucks, because the bloodflow won’t feed the area of the brain I need to complete ordinary living and tasks that I have no passion about.
for example, I have never had a passion for building websites. It just sucks. I have to do it because I can. If I’m passionate about it, it’s easy, but if I’m doing other peoples shit, boy is this hard. I have to think so hard, it’s HARD. And punishing. And grueling. And I need help. Because it’s so fucking hard to work.
so in a way, my schizo issue is like a split manefestation of my abilities, that when they are in conflict with my senses, I am crapped out. I never get paranoid, because I know that each voice has a reason, a memory of it’s own that it’s reacting to, but somehow, I haven’t heard them in maybe a couple of weeks at least, not even a pip. Does that mean I am still schizoid? Ummm I thought about that and yes I am. The voices were a kind of fucked up agency of myself and of others. And that’s gone so the only agency I have now is my own.
but this splitting is not just persona or agency, the voices may be gone, but my brain knows how to split, so it will go on and do something else, and right now it’s giving me the weirdest ongoing story about a stone. It’s split into visual metaphor, carrying with it long term memory evolving thought patterns and ingesting them as if it were starting over from the beginning as just a stone.
and another thing, the blackouts. I go through blackouts now as though circuits in my brain are running but split from consciousness somehow, and empty. Starting over. And relearning thought patterns. The stone! My blackouts are the stone!!!
holy crap! I knew I was going somewhere but couldn’t remember anything. I didn’t even know, that I had been into a blackout, my world is strangely patchy and I can’t remember when things start and finish, the continuity of the days feels broken and fucked up. And it’s these blackouts where the stone is a metaphor of my journey for the last two weeks at least. Since it’s not a dream I have a night but something else, while I’m awake?