Had to take an afternoon nap. There are days when I don’t have to do this, I can stay awake most days. But if I need to sleep I nap.
Keith admitting to me he is sorely triggered by my mother was interesting. He said everything about her was like listening to a thousand razor blades, he winced, and burned and felt her choppy accent made it worse. Interesting.
listen, this was my mother, on a good day. I grew up and she was like that 100% of the time. And most days were bad days, there were very very few good days. So, this is the baseline normal I grew up with, and tried to pacify all my life until I cracked and ran away. But I was calibrated wrong for the world, and I was only used to this level of drama and hate, and without it there was a void.
now my mother is appearing to become more delusional but she has the same arrogant neurosis. That she simply can’t be wrong. And if she is in a corner, her state of wrongness simply implies it was meant to be and everyone else is blind and shoving her in a corner because we can’t cope with the truth.
you gotta love this insane level of confidence. She can never be wrong. This is the source of her confidence, but unfortunately living in such strong values of right and wrong, where she is the one in the right, means that everyone around her is permanently in the wrong, and therefore she is divorced from us. So all I have to do is say that I am completely unable to be in the right, on her side. I will always be on the wrong side of righteous. There’s nothing she can do about that. And simply accept what she says from the other side of her righteousness. This is not agreeing with her. It’s just enabling her to see, I see her, and I’m still wrong, I’m not moving toward her. But she ends up calming down and moving more towards the middle.
ad I will have given up nothing to do this, except to say I see her, which takes no energy from me.
somehow while keith listened to me dealing with my mother, he has changed. I can’t explain it. But he said, “how could I come from that?” (And be a better person than him) he says I do something he could not do.
he could not forgive my mother for the pain she caused me. He could not deal with his own mother. Yet I am dealing with mine in ways he is unable to relate to. A swiftness in reaction and wit he could not even begin to copy, so I just told him, I’m just enjoying the ride, I’ve never been able to paddle and steer in her rapids before. But I understand it now, there’s no point defending or arguing with someone who is so deranged, I just control her trigger points now instead, by firmly staying in the knowledge of my emotions. I know how much I used to hurt, but I know it now, and it’s enough to stay above those feelings in order to control the flow. She simply can’t suck me in, because I know she is emotionally roaring, and talking with me is triggering her to burn and think abit. I am in control just because I know how I used to feel and she can’t hurt me, not with words or twisted logic, because I’m fully aware of my previous life and reactions which taught me now how to stay above it and let her burn instead.
she was very challenged, and I’m glad she cold not see my face, as keith was wincing and I was smirking. Just enjoying the ride. “Don’t you accuse me of anything for your shit life!
mother, I’m an adult now, all those mistakes were my own, I didn’t know any better” and broken down extended moments of silence were telling.
Mother is preparing for her death, she feels it coming in her brain and I understood that feeling well. If it was me, I would know what to do to reverse this effect, but somehow, mother does not know what to do. She described the sensations I am all too familiar with, and I know where it comes from. She hears a loud booming in her head, which is what I get when I am struggling with my blood. I get these clots from time to time, something causes them, and the pressure changes in my head is what I hear so loud. But her veins are bleeding, she is leaking, her vessel walls are unable to cope with pressure changes. And why are those vessel walls weak?
it’s the glia, the glue of the body, the connective tissue breaking down, loosing its tenacity. This glue, or glia, is controlled by estrogen, oxytocin, the hormone of love, that atimulates the glue and binding in the body. And hers is eroding away, erosion is triggered by the schizophrenic trait, of overactive glia, that mutate and start to eat the glue in the brain. Her brain disorder is immunopsychiactric, it’s a version of schizophrenia or immune disease that is triggered from an inability to love. As the hormones of love, is what maintains the glue in the brain. But you can only trigger these hormones, by being outside yourself. Which she has no ability to do. Either you must be touched and soothed with the right energy from someone else, to trigger the oxytocin, or you must feel outside yourself to work the estrogen in your brain. And she cannot.
my conversations with her in two days, were enough of a trigger to make her think… so it’s possible she can reverse the process, if she decides to feel outside herself for my daughters for example. And pick up where I left off after I had run away from home. Maybe. But I don’t know if this is possible. She is a dragon compared to my frightened daughters.
I remembered a couple weeks ago I started lactating, well today there was a deep itch in my left boob, and I investigated a fatty lump, it seems I have an irritated gland. So estrogen hormones are messing with me, travelling up my left side. Which is interesting, my pancreas and spleen have not been well lately on my left side, but I think they are improved, as my second covid shot came, with little effect on my immune system. So something I have been doing has restored efficient reactions in my immune system again. Not the case for mother.
she is afraid to even get a cold, which is necessary to optimize and trigger the immune system. Without a regular cold, the immune system tends to turn on yourself, it has nothing better to do, other than eat away your brain and glue.