Been getting up at 7:30 naturally every day now for 4 days.
mostly I have so much work to do I’m straight into it. I wanted to explain my sexuality, now that I know where it comes from. Keith asked me to explain it yesterday, and got all confused and judged me so I stopped talking to him again.
basically, for as long as I can remember. The smell of plastic, PVC, would trigger such strong reactions in me, walking past beach balls in a supermarket would give me urges, send my brain into a waking dream, of having sex with monsters. While I’m in public…
and I have never been able to control it.
I think it has to do with obviously, repeated sexual abuse as a child, where I had a friendship with my raincoat that protected me, made me feel safe… and over the years where my personality became split and hardened, this part of me, my sexualized urges, became fixed in fantasy.
part of it has to do with when I was raped, my mind protected me by making me repeat the scene, only with monsters, dehumanized, shiny, slimey, witb giant dicks and restraining tentacles. So, there was a kind of guiltless feeling of freedom, that I wasn’t in control, and that my imagination took over so that I was not even in control of the explosive pleasure I felt, that replaced the real-life pain.
and I have never ever lost these fantasies. I would dream of rape by all kinds of monsters, ducks getting bigger and bigger while they were excited. Because obviously, I was little and young.
so, the only memories I have of rape, are few for example the tickle torture, my dad, some men.
I know they were there, but my brain changed the memory, so I did not suffer men.
my brain gave me the healing protection or stasis that I needed, to cope with rape.
unfortunately, it means I have never known loving intimacy, I cannot enjoy sex. I did with CHRISTIAN, he had a big dick and all I would do is shut my eyes and think of monsters.
For a short time with Christian, the monsters became replaced with him. But when he took sex away from me, the monsters came back.
now, I do nit seem to suffer pain when I am aroused. My bloodflow down there has a different pattern. So I’ve been aroused a lot lately, and instead of pain triggering monsters… I dream of Brenton. Kissing me, sucking his body into mine and squirming as though we where a chrysalis together as one.
so… this is different for me, but still trapped in another part of me.
I can feel my brain re-wiring. There has been so much change over the last month in particular, it’s like waking up from a dream, only, the veil is lifted in reality. I see how veiled my brain has been for years. I’m grateful it has done that. I know now where my 3D gensynch world comes from when it invaded the perephiries and merges with reality, in a kind of shadow depth that only I can see and feel, like swimming through the world out of time.
my brain has filtered the world for me, so that reality becomes a blend of experience somatically, not just visually. And because my world is so rich with diverse interpretation of stimuli and false memory, these monsters creep in the shadows like snakes and squirms, waiting to take me to some unreal pleasure when I am alone.
in effect, my brain filters the world with a kind of overlay in depth and somatic feeling, and because there is so much stimuli, I am out of synch with the world. And the word for it is my gensynch. Like in 3D rendering, where the mannequin is rendered separately and there’s a buffer issue coming together, where things freeze and step out of time. So the shadows smear with this “freeze framing” and fill-in with my emotional state, whatever monsters can live in the shadows to wait for me to return to them. And I am never afraid.
I am haunted in real life, but I am never fearful. They have given me a reward system that replaces pro-social reward through empathy. My reward system works through feeding these monsters instead.
this is hypersexual me. And she lives in her head, in this other reality.
in real life, I have no urges, I am celibate, and not very attracted to anyone… except… I’m curious what has got my attraction right now.