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Onnaloves

I was so flaming angry earlier MY HUSBAND stepped in to calm me down 😂🤣🤬
so this happened:

I told Keith my plans had changed and I was now going out with Manny on Sunday and that Brenton had not complied with my request to plan the weekend with a call on Sunday/Monday earlier this week so I could lock my plans.
I have to coordinate body conditioning, lighting windows, batteries and memory, and teach stunts so yeh it has to be planned. And Brenton Flaked on me.
so I consider that disrespectful for wasting my time and ghosting me. And basically called him out on it. And his pathetic sorry was not an apology.
and Keith was asking me to calm down just now and forgive him. Wait what the fuck? Keith - you are a control freak who barely lets me have time to myself or playmates and… what the fuck is this?
lol.
so anyway, I’m looking forward to going to the beach with Manny and teaching him how to spot me in a back handspring. We failed last time and I face planted. He better not let me land on my face again. I’m getting so pissed off with useless men. 😂😂

So I pinged a girlfriend over on FB, and asked if I could trade with her - she comes over, I teach her to base me, I get photos to promote my next package on my website. She was floored and wanted to be over in a shot… except she needs to be vaxxed. Don’t even know why people aren’t vaxxing, but that’s my rules if you wanna play, don’t bring me some virus that even witb a vaxx I still have to get my immune system all wrangled over and fight off. Because I need every bit of my immune system to repair my fucking brain and the amount of body conditioning I’m doing. I don’t have any space immune to fall sick and delay or even scar me - mentally with more seizures, or physically in my breathing assets.
I like my lungs the way they are, I don’t smoke or put any shit in them, and I don’t want them to be scarred. Plus, with a sensitive brain like mine - I tend to run hot and get seizures when my immune system is flaring up. The inflamation flares up in my brain and messes with my flow. I know when that shit is likely to happen. Most typical people aren’t even aware what their brains feel like, but I feel mine all the time like ummmm. A weird ass microwave receiver. I also feel my stupid hip all the time. I know I should be grateful, but having a bionic joint does my head in because it feels so ergonomically incorrect for my bone structure. My rims are always in the way.
anyway, about Brenton. Fuck man.
really don’t know what happened there. Maybe it was my fault for letting my snatch talk sexting him ten days ago. That was my mistake I think. Once a man sorry BOY gets pussy in his brain, he loses his shit and can’t think.
I think he really lost his shit and got all torn up about me then flaked in inability to self regulate. If he was NORMAL. He wouldn’t have flaked. You only flake if there’s something insecure inside and punishing yourself over. So maybe he self-sabotaged. Maybe he really felt unworthy to come around. Maybe he questioned getting into trouble with a married woman.
hmmmm. Yes my cock block husband. Hmmmm even when he SAYS he’s ok with me getting relationships, he IS A COCK BLOCK. So I will only ever be able to attract narcissists because normal people won’t want to deal witb a husband.
sooo, he still could be normal. I don’t care what he is. It’s just fucked up that kind of disrespect when I INVEST in training. Like a military regimen. Like a career to get my body sculpted the way I want.
because, my mind needs that. I can’t function as a Skoda when my attitude is a Lamborghini. I require engineering and planning of myself, and mindset. Most of the stunts I have learned, it’s all mindset related, my body just doesn’t do what I want it to do, because my wiring is funky. Same problem with other Lamborghinis. Their Computer often gets fucked up. I may not be able to function in typical environments, but I LOVE stunting. Those people have a can-do attitude and I love it.
god I’m so pissed. OH NOW I KNOW why husband wants me to placate and suck up to Brenton. The last time I used Keith as a base, he whined like a bastard. Complained he got all bruised. Said he wasn’t strong enough blah blah. Jeez. I used to stunt on some 62 year old dudes that had only learned it in a year. They never whined like a little bitch. I don’t think my husband wants me using him as a base. He’s annoying anyway, whines too much. I like somersault jumping off people. Bruises are just part of it. It’s all fun.
so manny my big ass lawyer friend is roped into spotting me this weekend. He better not let me crash on my face again. It’s simple enough to catch me isn’t it? Fucks sake.

Onnaloves

Isn’t there a saying: don’t cut your nose off to spite your face? Or Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water?
it’s Saturday Noon. Two weeks ago I had planned on my head Brenton would be here and we would start working out, followed by an afternoon of filming trash, then a social evening before we think about food and where Brenton was going to stay or go home.
well, today, my body conditioning is being preserved for tomorrow at the beach - where I’ll be preparing to do some tumbling that I haven’t done in 6 years, so I’m focused on prep work for that today. I will no doubt be awful tomorrow and that’s part of the fun. The fails are inspiring to others, and for me, once I’ve broken the mind lick of throwing myself backwards, I can start to override the adrenaline and focus it to my form.
two weeks ago I had planned on prepping acro stunt work on a new base - Brenton, then depending how that went, to investigate a Nude beach and do some basic stunt work there… but, since he ghosted me for a whole week in the lead up I had to make plan B to keep my content going on Patreon, AND not loose the progress on my mind/body training.
you see, tumbling and inversions FORCE my brain to focus in tighter time constraints what is alien for the body. It starts to react and get me back in touch with blood flow regulation in my brain. When blood flow is being regulated better (I can actually control it) I can slow down time in my brain by having more assertive reactions during flight.
gymnasts do this, and I found how the mechanism actually works. When I practice handstands, the brain has to adapt by strengthening the nervous control of the arterial walls which are smooth muscle. This is how the brain controls blood pressure and flow. When I practice inversions every day, those arterial walls strengthen and become responsive. I can actually feel it and control it, just like I can voluntarily slow down my heart with breath control.
it’s an amazing feeling, being in that much control, and not letting stressors and fears compromise my natural flow. But it has taken me a lifetime to play with it and work out what I’m actually doing and realize the bio-feedback of how I’m actually controlling it.
I’m honestly amazed that people don’t feel this! I took it for granted, that just like people can feel muscle pain, I can locate sensations everywhere in my body, and train blood vessels to respond - consciously.
I can “hear it” change in my head at will. And though it is technically not a sound, SOMETHING murmuring through my brain feels like a sound, beats like a drum, ripples like a wave, and I know how to direct it.
it’s like my brain is a monster, like a squid, that I am actively using. Where this comes from I don’t know. I have never had the chance to talk to anyone else that can do it. A future goal would be to show people under an fMRI that I am actually doing this on command, because the sounds and the caressing I feel in my brain - are all intentional.
so that would be an interesting thing to visualize and demonstrate I know what I am talking about.
anyway back to Brenton.
fuck I am soooo dissappointed. I shouldn’t have had such high hopes for this boy. My mistake. I thought by planning two weeks out he was a safe bet. And we would play and talk and consume the day in prep for a fun day out at the nude beach. But, I guess that’s enough to send any manboy into an overwhelming state of tailspin.
“I am not worthy”, “why me”, “omg sexxxxxx”, “how can I plan on getting sexxxx out of her”, “shit she has a husband”, “what am I thinking?”, “maybe she’s just using me for sex”, “but I’m worth more than that”, “I deserve more!”, “I don’t know what to do”, “how can I find another woman like that AVAILABLE?!”, “there is no one left on the planet for me”, “I am hopelessly depressed”, “fuck her”, “trying to stop thinking about her”, “ok, distraction”, “that works, fuck her”, GHOSTED…
I could be wrong. But that seems about right. A good fit for what happened. It was the sex talk that fucked him up. My pussy monster is too strong 🤣. Man I am so dissappointed. You see, I told him upfront on the phone, while we talked for 2 hours straight! That I will invest in him, if he commits to me. I need a training partner, and I will fix his body and bring it into balance too, IF he is committed. What I should have iterated, is that sex is just a bonus, not the objective. Commitment first, body modification on the level I practice is a regime. And I will not manage to progress, unless my base is dedicated in changing himself also. So I have to pull him up to standard. And he will change. A lot.
he doesn’t know how much he will change, I can’t seem that to him. But I got excited with the prospective of a real match, a partner, committed to our bodies growth together as one…. I got so excited, I dreamed of SeXXX my way, not typical and loving, but demonic and war-like. A battle of the senses and overcoming my sexual mind-blocks. Ugh. How I regret this. He fucked up. He ghosted me and went on a tailspin.
I was familiar with being ghosted, and I do not like it. I do not like my high expectations being left to disrespect. I end up stewing in “maybe he is overdoing it”. And that is unfair because my emotions get the better of me, and I can’t focus on anything I want to do, which left my week disastrously unproductive. I was mad I let that happen. I was mad that I became mentally depressed and lost productivity that I had GAINED from a previous week of excitement. FUCK HIM!
So I called him out on ghosting me after my repeated polite attempts at getting him to resurface and allow me to plan my weekend schedule - based on both what he was likely to be feeling as well as staying within both our capabilities. And the lighting window. And the opportunities presented to catch content. Ugh. He fucked it up.
so I had to swerve onto plan B and not miss an opportunity for content AND keep surfing my body conditioning. My mesocycle is rubbish because I’m in my 40’s AND suffering mentally, so I have tk track the wax and wane of inflamation and energy levels in my body. Brenton doesn’t even know this yet. Not many people do. But I check how much inflammatory mess the body is in and adjust our play accordingly. And right now, Brenton is an inflammatory mess, he doesn’t even know it. But if we had talked, I could have shown him how we could work around that and allow his body to dissipate some of those stagnating cycles.
Fuck him. I’m so pissed

Onnaloves

I had a great day out with Manny. I told him a lot of what was going on with me. Realized he’s been a friend of mine for 10 years and I kept him in the dark about a lot of stuff.
realized that I had OVERSHARED with people I hardly knew… and kept that info away from my closest friend. How fucked up is that? So I casually asked manny if he wanted to try acro balancing me… and he was game! He’s just had knee surgery, so I didn’t do L-basing I just toed off his supported knees and taught him how to balance me. He got it straight away!
Duh! Why haven’t I ever asked him before?!!! Fuck man. I am really so unobservant. We had an amazing chat about how people flake out on us, and decided we must be expecting too much off people. I think this is more to do with me setting up too high expectations off a stranger, and then flaking out on me. I think I suck them in and it’s toxic from the get go.
I think they behave like dicks, because somehow, they become magnanimously NEEDY, and I sense it, and they get scared I sensed it. And ghost me.
hmmmm. Keith says I should apologize to Brenton and try to ween him back. Not even joking. That was a weird discussion.
I now realize I’ve been suffering a severe depression. How? Well, the relief I felt talking to Manny about some general shit, was so immense, I crashed asleep and didn’t wake up until 9 am this morning. In addition my energy level was so low I felt myself dragging through the sand. And Manny told me I had a grimace on my face as I slept in the car on the way back. Which I’ve noticed in my films and can’t seem to stop. I also have a stiff jaw. It’s really bothering me and I can barely talk.
I’ve gone back to doing non verbal video logs for my patrons. Explaining my next business idea. I’m always trying to find a way to survive, and that’s what’s making me depressed. I feel like, I’m all alone with no support. And I have no value in society.
manny is a lawyer and MD. He’s a JD. he practices medical malpractice law, and consults for Defence and litigation. He’s half Korean half African American. And he grew up poor, really poor. Similar to me.
we share some of the same experiences growing up with rationed food. Cardboard flooring. And a gas stove to heat an empty house my dad couldn’t afford.
it was crazy. We realized that our love of China town Lucky $ restaurant, and Macdonald’s was a childhood comfort thing we both share to do with poverty. 2 years ago when I came out of seizures and was pre-diagnosed aspergers by my doctor in Austria, I started to question everyone I had made friends with in my life, I texted Manny from Austria and asked if he was too. He said he didn’t know, but he always felt different.
so I knew we had something similar, there just wasn’t a name for that kind of familiarity. And I can also feel it in many of the friends I’ve passed through witb life.
I know I am different, pretty extreme. But I also know, many people are also at various extremes, and they can play well together - or if blind to one another, can really fück each other up. And that’s how I got here. Manny said to me, he always knew Keith was a control freak. He knew it from the very beginning, but it wasn’t his place to say anything. He just thought, I just let things happen around me instead of taking charge of my life.
I asked Manny about Med-school, and he encouraged me and said there was a few things I need to do to prep, but he could guide me on that and he thinks I could do it. I’ve been curious for a long time but never believed I could do it. Manny thinks otherwise, so I’m going to investigate prepping for the MCAT. Why not? I LOVE studying the human body, wouldn’t it be cool to combine my innate knowledge WITH WESTERN EXPLANATIONS. I could literally translate the shamaness inside me. Hehe. I could prove I feel shit in people. Maybe, I could shine a light on cross cultural medicine?
hmmm… that would be such a dream.
only I’ve been a little fucked up today. Exhausted but relieved somehow. I went for a swim, decided to lock in on a routine every day. If I can shake this shit out of me, by swimming 20 minutes a day… maybe I can recover faster from this bout of depression

Onnaloves

Meh. I challenged myself to do something really hard this week… suck up to Brenton…

One week went by where I called him out on his ghosting… and I thought hard about how to keep the bridge open with him (just because Keith was saying to forgive him) so I asked if he was burned out yet 🤣 Sure enough he took that as an apology from me. And started this essay on being overwhelmed due to work. (Pretty narcissistic) then said he felt bad for “bailing” on me (very narcissistic, his feelings -not mine) and that’s the kind of apology he can muster. Not a real one.
so I realized Keith was right and this dude is infact another full on narcissist. Which is why Keith wants me to stay buddies with him because Keith seems to know what these fellas are up to. And at the end of the day, I am solely attracted to these types which I can’t seem to avoid - even if I KNOW.
so. For the sake of PETTYNESS. I ghosted him. Hehehe. That makes me feel better. I ended his pathetic essay on how he is overworking himself and bailing on me with - SEE YOU AT THE FINISH LINE. And didn’t respond anymore after that.
I won’t respond now. There’s nothing in this for me. He is revived enough to ping me when he gets desperate enough. But right now he is just burning himself out on work. And the reason why Keith knows he is a safe bet, is because he is billeted with zero free time to build up a relationship with me due to his military background which enables his unforgiving psycopath tendencies. A relationship will not survive this.
so - it seems that Keith recognizes Brenton as a safe bet for me than Manny… who revealed to me that in our ten years of friendship, he never liked Keith. What is there to like about him? Sourpuss. Control freak. And he is right, Keith is that. He sucks the life out of me wherever I go. Infront of my friends, he is an absolute sourpuss. And I hate it, which is why I keep Keith seperate from my social life. But I admit, being married is in itself a cock block. And only Narcisstic males will consider me fair game. Such as Brenton. And I knew this from the beginning. I didn’t misjudge but is did think he was going to be different - that’s what sucked me in. Unfortunately he is no different.
another male specimen unfortunately that has its limited uses. Right now, he is of no use to me. He already admitted he has no time for me, yet he wants me to distract him with sex talk. Nope. Not gonna. I don’t do sex talk. Not interested. It gives me crappy hormones and shitty sleep which I can’t recover from. I hate the way urges make me feel and destroy me like a fucked up addiction. So I’m not entertaining it. I’ll concentrate on finding me a training buddy. That’s all I want in absence of sex life.
I am a sex addict. Sex of a fucked up kind. And the only people that will play into it - are equally fucked up. Emotionally or relationship wise, which makes them a total fucking NARC. And that’s what I am. I am a Narc. I know I am. And it fucks me up in the realm of sex. Because when they join me in this area, they enable my addiction then fuck me up emotionally by their own relationship disability.
I used to think I was a sociopath of some form, due to my Alexithymia - absolutely I cannot understand my emotions and feelings. And because of my prior sexual abuse, the ONLY THING that gives me hormonal urges, is my fucked up sex addiction, which I don’t want to be cured from. I want to share it with someone equally fucked up. And I know how to spot them unfortunately. So I suck them in.
create a neediness i know no other person can understand… and once I’ve got them, they are convinced there is no other woman like me. UGH
only, it kind of backfired. I got all hot and bothered and lost productivity for a week. Lost fucking sleep.
fell into a deep depression and once again fighting my way out of. And I don’t like this.
I have to find a means of self regulating. And picking primitive boys who can’t satisfy me, ain’t gonna do it.
I have a severe problem. I am only attracted to assholes. You can be a good person around me for decades, and I just won’t notice you. I only take interest in the selfish assholes that want selfish sex.
Fuck!
Fuck fuck fuck!

Onnaloves

I know what I want, I don’t know what I want, I thought I knew what I wanted, and it always evaporated. There has been a reckoning with my self worth over the last two weeks, triggered by Brenton bringing back emotional memories related to Christian. Which I use as a guide for how fucked up I must be feeling. If those sensations come back, I KNOW SOMETHING BAD is happening. This time, it’s me, it’s all my fault, whatever it is.
When Brenton ghosted me, I went through a flurry of inner monologue questions and voices, gnawing at me. It became intrusive. And the more I fought it, the worse it got until I literally would fall asleep for not just one hour, but three hours. Losing my day and any progress I had made with regulating my energy levels. My energy levels became erratic. Sapped. I would knock out and DREAM uncomfortably pushing Monsters away from my dreams until I managed to pry myself awake.
and I knew this time, I had picked Brenton, and it had backfired. I am ok now, sort of. I know what he is, and I am not entertaining his distraction from his work, because I get nothing back. BEFORE I sexted him, we were talking back and forth despite his work schedule, about things we actually cared about. But his personality is needy, and once the topic of sexting had been broached, he no longer wanted the stuff we cared about to ourselves, he only wanted sexting.
it’s as though, he future faked his care, he future faked all the things he cared about and wanted to share with me, until my emotions believed he was a safe bet, and exposed hypersexual me. Now he felt it, and all the rest of the stuff he was texting - didn’t matter anymore. His last words to me “please distract me”. But I don’t cater to needy. I don’t cater to anyone. I have physical needs, and sexting is a test, but I’m not interested in simulating physical need with hormones that fuck me right up.
I need a physical release, someone real and in person who will listen to my hypersexual me. It’s not that hard to ask. But I’ve realized, DO NOT REVEAL HYPERSEXUAL ME. To anyone. Once I have gained the trust and support of a real person, then she can come out and only then. Because to tear if someone accepts her first… brings out the worst in people.
She really does, that’s why she exists, when fucked up needy men sense her, as part of me, I know who they are, and… unfortunately that isn’t good for me.
al those times I went on Tinder looking for dick. I presented with hypersexual me. I got raped and assaulted. Shook it off. The men became horny and justified themselves to take what they wanted instead of giving me what I needed. I never got my fulfillment. I instead was disgusted and left each man behind with a scummy sense of their dirty dicks. And the monsters would come at night to remove their smell from my memory. I know these things happened, but every detail I was repulsed by, became distorted. I remember one guy, lived on a boat, he was unclean, ugly dick, medium skinny at best. Demanded I suck it. The usual nasty 🤮 dirty male. I was instantly unattracted to him and zoned out somewhat to make the event quick and tolerable. After I got off his boat, I blocked him everywhere on social media. I thought I had checked him out properly, but his deceitful character won, he even started going through my friends and contacting them about me. Nasty piece of shite for a one off sex-stand. But I shook it off, the monsters came, and all weird sensations left me. Dealing with my shocked friends was harder. They had been contacted by him. So I tried to be more careful the next time around and the next. And still I fucked up.
This is my sexual disorder. It’s like I have a split ego or personality. Like a personality disorder but instead, it lives purely in my sexuality. And unfortunately because human nature is driven by sex and money, this unspoken part of me exists in a taboo world I cannot share with anyone. I distrust therapists, because not only are they judgemental but how can they know what this feels like?
not only that but fundamentally I am wired for inhuman sex. It’s fucked up. It can’t be solved r unwired. It can only be LOVED OUT OF ME. Dissipated with real intimacy and affection. So, Brenton can go away now. I said to him last: see you at the finish line. I wasn’t lying, I just knew his physical connection was the only thing I needed, not the fantasy bullshit. I’m sick of that. Christian fantasized the whole time, nothing was real. Even intimacy was kept from me. Once he got me over in Austria, I couldn’t escape I was financially trapped, and Christian was stalking me in his Lamborghini and on my phone incessantly to keep me.
those feelings and anything like them are a warning sign I have repeated the same shit. And that’s what I was feeling with Brenton. So I ghosted him with cause, and respect. I’m tired of this stupid game. I won’t sext-test anyone again.

Onnaloves

So it starts. I had time to think about really being honest with myself and what this fucking disorder is.
I am not typical - check
Autistic Somatic - check
dark Empathy - check (I don’t have “empathy” in the classical recognition, I define this myself as the ability to mirror the winds in someone else’s body.)

in Chinese medicine, 風 “a persons disease is caused by the wind” now this is an eastern approach to integral medicine, where the flow of energy and its direction and disturbances and shifts cause heat or damp in the body, and give rise for insects to move in the body and swarm causing disease.
for me, I never knew this, no one taught me, but this is what I mirror. I feel the winds of energy and stagnation and heat in peoples bodies AS MY OWN. I can even feel the flow in my own brain. I get sensations like creeps and ripples or ticks inside my vessels and gyri. And I have never met anyone else who can feel these things as I do.

no emotional empathy - forget it. I can’t even tell what I feel most of the time so forget about being able to feel for others. I’m good with this. Emotions are pretty awful to experience anyway. This trait is Alexithymia - without understanding of ones own emotions. I am able to sense good or bad, but I just don’t react appropriately. It’s co-morbid with my Autism.
having no empathy doesn’t mean I don’t have compassion. I just won’t waste it on a dead cat. And it gets me in trouble when I genuinely don’t care if someone has died. I just robotically act out sympathy, which is not the same. I’ve learned to act most times of actually “being there” whereas most of the time I’m in my head going “oh jeez, I’m bored”

so anyway, long story short, I do believe I am NPD, but not in a typical sense. I am a sort of inverse one. Which I believe is an autistic thing, and most autistic people would slam me for saying that. Like: but we have empathy! I’m not disagreeing. But I cannot “express or feel” as others do. Why should I even BOTHER to emulate it. As Long as i Act with compassion. And that’s the thing, I always feel like I’m acting. It’s not like I have a big ego, if anything I have hardly any ego drive at all. If I even understand what that is.
here’s where I think my main disorder lies:
my sexuality.
I’m Asexual out of celibate behavior. But my body has needs that I cannot quell. Urges that I cannot always suppress. Imagine if you were gay being told you can’t be gay. Or that you MUSTNT have a fetish. Or that, you are a peadophile, attracted to boys. And no matter what, those urges remain, can you deprogram being gay? Having a fetish? Nah. I don’t think so. Therefore my sexuality can’t be healed. And because it is unrealistic (I sexualised my trauma as a child when my personality split, so now the only thing that turns me on is inhuman sex with non existant fantasies)

there is one way. I tasted it with the last sociopath I engaged with intimately. I didn’t believe in romance until he came along, but the feeling of lust for him was so strong, I got a taste of real, wholesome, genuine, normal sex. And never again since. So I know it’s possible.

I was discussing my problem with my fellow Percy patrons. Who have come to understand my fucked up sexuality. And are funding my next project. Prosthetic sex toys. Hehehe. Yup. I’m gonna make my fantasies happen. The gear for me to start developing is arriving next week. So I can begin sculpting that shit. My eldest daughter and I were talking a lot about Bad dragon toys, and we know where there is a gap in the market. I put this to my patrons to develop for this niche, and because they are a little fucked up too they get it. So until I finish this Pervy dream toy, I won’t describe it here. I’m keeping that within my patrons for them to get first glimpse. Then I’ll raise the funds to get injection molding plattens milled out.
Bahahahahahaa. I’m going into sex toys for the sexually abused. I’m developing something new and I feel like I have a harem of guys supporting me.
Manny is coming over to play tomorrow!
and I’ll be sculpting sex toys next week. This is mad.
I’m going to do a launch video promoting it with an LED light show underwater powered by a battery pack in my pussy. Hopefully the control board should all fit inside the jelly lemon I’m stuffing up inside. I did a nude shoot and held a merkin on in one underwater tank shoot using a Kegel ball. I moulded the pussy cover out of a plastic bottle and no one knew how I managed to cover my bits up. I figure now that I can stuff my pussy I can get a lemon sized Kegel in and pack it full of the control boards and power packs to wear this suit. I’m hoping I finish the suit in about a month, which will give me time to finish the prototype prosthetics and then do the whole pitch for investment.
a week ago I was feeling like I had no worth in society. But perhaps, the world needs a new kind of sex toy right now. And no one else is gonna make it. So since I NEED IT. I’mmaking this for others too. There you go I do have compassion.

Onnaloves

I had an amazing play-date with my friend Manny - so much happened yesterday that I went back and reported it to hubby and patrons. So, for the first time in my life - I verbalized my sexual “disorder” to Manny, explained in detail how it affects me and makes me celibate. I explained my interlaced experience of the world with morphing visceral boundaries that I sense all around me, overlaid with visual input, how I view the world is nothing I have been able to visualize or translate to anyone. Until now.
In the Good Doctor there are vestigial suggestions of it. but I demonstrated to Manny, physically how I could feel his pain in his body, like hot spots of tension. And how I can sense the temperature of the pool - by just feeling the reflection of softness coming from it.
I fixed Manny’s back, I pulled his left leg, intuitively to decompress his S.I. joint, and felt the antagonized quadrilatoris lumboris release a little bit, enough to unpinch a nerve and create some room for me to turn him over and find the muscle contracture, and press it out with my elbow. Then turn him over again and rock his pelvislaterally to move the cytotoxic cell contents out of the muscle and joint space.
I told him that this apoptosis was being flushed into the blood, so that his liver can process it, and that he would feel mildly sick that evening with sinus swelling and a frontal headache while the immune system fired up to clean up the debris I just released. I also diagnosed a muscle adhesion in his gracilis that had caused his chronic knee inflamation leading to his knee surgery…. and he was amazed. because in one session, I had healed a twinge in his back that chiropractors, physical therapists have never been able to solve.
This morning I caled him and he confirmed everything I said was true. and he told me something…
My friend Manny is an MD and Lawyer, and he met me before I got married to Keith, he has been a constant friend of mine even though I ghosted him on many occasions for whatever reason. Too stuck I guess. Manny said while at medical school he had been inspired by psychobiology, and became intruiged with Savant Syndrome, so much so that it has been his inspiration to search and find people with it. and apparantly, he told me this morning - I am one of them. He explained to me how he has folled several people with this syndrome, and translated their key talents or skills into characters in his screenplays. And that’s what he likes to do, expose savant syndrome in cool characters he develops for his screenplays, translating them to the world.
He said although he could not really understand it, it was a deep fascination of his. And my savant syndrome - is textbook, but the expression of it is different from others, because I am female. So, I wasn’t surprised, but it did finally explain all the schizo traits and inverse expression of NPD I know I am dealing with. On top of that, Manny is mentoring me on the next phase of my transition into the real world. And not only do I have Keith’s support, but my patrons support too. So Manny is keeping track of my accountability now, and we have scheduled my projects development. Of which I have tasks I must complete for our next meeting.
I couldn’t be more happier right now, I am so relieved, yet I have so much work ahead of me. I hardly slept last night, from comig out verbally to a friend, my husband, and intimately in a new direction with my patrons who have supported me for the last year in my mental breakdown recovery.

Deef

Onnaloves
On top of that, Manny is mentoring me on the next phase of my transition into the real world.
And not only do I have Keith’s support, but my patrons support too.
So Manny is keeping track of my accountability now, and we have scheduled my projects development.
Of which I have tasks I must complete for our next meeting.
I couldn’t be more happier right now, I am so relieved, yet I have so much work ahead of me.

Congrats! Some of your recent stuff got a bit messy and depressing, but you kept at it, and now this looks like a high point period with signs of integration, realization & expanded community!
Good job. 👏

Onnaloves

Deef thank you ☺️
I realize now that I will never be able to work for anyone. And that I’ve suffered with my sexuality disorder my whole life as a result of early and continuous childhood abuse. Well, I’m tired of being sexually deficit. So I figured buggar it, I have to fix myself, live out my fantasies and make them real, and come out in the open about it.
So I did.
But in a controlled way - to Manny, my patrons, and my Husband. And I have the full support of everyone. And a production schedule in development… Keith is really excited to bring this together and is doing the production plan. My patrons are seed funding my development. And Manny is keeping me accountable. I informed my daughters, because they actually want to be a part of it, since my eldest has already made some designs of her own…
So I’m quiet these days only because I have so much to do. And the big white board behind me on my wall is now getting organized again.
I will never be able to work 9-5, BUT, I will learn to pace myself, and I know how to produce, develop and patent. So this 5 year business plan will result in a future for me and my daughters, and I am not ashamed of any of it. Infact, I can let go of hypersexual me in public because now she has a private outlet.
The relief I have felt over the last few days is immense. I have hope. More hope than I’ve had at any other time in my life. I feel free to make my own place in society, and my studio workshop stuff has just started arriving.
From now on, I’m going to be really immersed in development of this new product range and the PR package.

Onnaloves

My executive function is improving. I managed to cook crispy tofu the other day, and it wasn’t a disaster. My executive dysfunction is normally, forgetting what I’m doing in the middle of doing something, losing track of time, unable to remember the process i need, zero autopilot, inability to figure out the differentbsquares on my phone screen such that I forget what app I was looking for…
And I’ve been like this for two years…
Well, things have started to change - like, I can cook on semi-autopilot again. I can nearly get ready to go out, I’ll usually just forget one thing instead of be completely disabled before getting to the door…

Ive had a full on period this month… first time in years. Infact. I can’t remember when I had a period that lasted more than a day. It’s now 5 days into a bleeder and I’m feeling so good about real discomfort Lololol.

My brother called. I was in the middle of doing porn-style makeup, nude, answered the video call on my greenscreen. Bro: errr your make up is nice I want it.
It’s for a shoot.
Ok I won’t keep you long:
1 hour later:
I gotta go bro, I gotta do my porn shoot. (It’s not really porn but it might aswell be for my patrons)

In a nutshell, my uncle died this morning. My peado dad is now in a care home. My peado brother says the empty house is safe for my daughters to move into - don’t worry they are safe they are adults now. (He has admitted to me he has urges but he never acts on them, his sexual disorder being a mirror for mine) but what do you expect coming from a fucked up family like ours?

Then in the middle of my live-streaming I take his video call thinking - must be some emergency. I’m doggied into my laptop camera with my ass in the mirror and the phone is off one side… he tells me my daughter hung up on him.
Well it could be i warned her you are a bit of an asshole?
Thanks sis.
Oh wait, she texted me to say her phone battery ran out. Phew that’s a relief!
Well on second thoughts - I did ask her to move into me and the phone DID CUT OFF when she said… WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
And bro rambled on about how he must have come across as a creepy pervy uncle.
YUP. There is that. By the way bro can you help me with the electronics for my tentacle fucking machine?
Oh sure! I’ll do that. You need raspberry pi arduino! Right - I see you’re busy Sis I’ll let you get on. Nice pussy by the way…
I explained to my viewers I was keeping the sex toy business in the family… it wasn’t incestious… really.
Besides, between my eldest daughter and I, we got huge plans to make.
It’s all kinda nuts. I took my patrons on a tour of the Kitchen Ive converted to a sex toy workshop. Fucking machines and dildos neatly stored. And Keith is doing me a Cashflow, and banging his head why he didn’t let me do this 7 years ago.
Manny is looking into patents for me. I’ve been really busy.
And… I think I had an orgasm on my own without trying anything accidentally today, while I was wrapped in gorilla packing tape. I was experimenting with wrapping myself up in packing tape on cam. I wanted to do a weird pointe shoe ballet completely wrapped in packing tape. It was so hard taping myself up. I went through 6 rolls of tape and cut it all off afterwards because I was dying from heat and sweat. Amazing self sauna I thought.
I seriously lost weight today from doing that. And I think I had a cum. That was weird. I didn’t even do anything. I wasn’t intending to do that even while streaming.
But anyway my body is doing weird things, so at least it’s enjoying my art.
I don’t have anyone to share it with really, just my viewers online. It’s not the same as contact though.
Manny has been taking me out a couple times a week.
I keep forgetting basic things like - purse, shoes, underwear, keys, fuck my life. But I will get there.
Then… the post office has some amazing weeds around it, so now I go out every day with keith to the PO Box, just so I can grab a bunch of weeds for the bunnies. I must remember my underwear everyday now.
I tend to just go out in my pajamas instead of getting dressed. It’s easier to get ready quickly that way, except I’m not used to remembering I have a period. That shit makes a mess.

Onnaloves

I have been so productive I’ve not had time to come in here and update. I am making about $1k - $1.5k a month, with a growth rate of 2 Paying subscribers a day, so doing the maths I actually have growing cashflow coming in. And a huge amount of respect and gratitude for patrons helping me build my business.
It’s insane, I thought no one wanted to buy my art, well now, here I am producing every day. It makes me money. I am sculpting, playing, dressing up, designing, painting, editing, making films, you name it. It seems like I am working 10-14 hours a day every day - because even while I play I make money.
I couldn’t be happier. I know what the fuck I’m doing! And my business is growing!
And my lawyer is hot onto my product development and securing trademark and all that stuff. It looks like I’ll have my product line out by Christmas.
I’ve engaged with manufacturers, gotten a development quote to have my device mass produced. And I’m doing the patent application.

I had a few relationship hiccups along the way - mostly with new relationships like Manny, a couple of people that came through some dating profile I can’t understand how to de-activate or get rid of.

But the funny thing is, I talk about this shit openly streaming while I’m sculpting. And my fans are tipping me because the shit-talk is entertaining to them.

Manny is in the shit with me and doesn’t know it. An incident occurred I was not happy about. It seems obvious to my patrons he was going that way, but to me, I was disgusted. I’m Asexual, I’m not attracted to anyone, and he assaulted me. I didn’t ask for him to put his fingers in me, and he did. So I haven’t invited him around since.
Listen, I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE. I’m unfortunately solely attracted to assholes. Narcos. OR. Dehumanized people. Like - if you’re willing to put a bag over your head AND BE HORNY. I could have sex with you. Like my sexual reflex is only turned on, if you are nothing but a gimp. A phallic machine. My split sexuality is that I am hyper turned on, hypersexual when I have a dehumanized counterpart.
But that doesn’t mean abuse, or boundary crossing. It just means I don’t want any emotional attachment but I can’t deal with humans. I’d rather shag a horse. Actually, it’s sad because unless there’s horny chemistry, I don’t feel anything. And this “lust” is NOT the foundation for ANY RELATIONSHIP. So I’m fucked. I can only have a sexual outlet, with non-humans. And for the most part, humans, don’t enjoy being a sex robot. However I have found NARCS actually have a sexual narcissism. It’s true! SOME regard sex as “I want this girl to feel like NO OTHER DICK can please her, I’ll do anything, keep it up, wear a thing, to make sure she thinks that no one else will do this for her…”
Many Narcs have the mirror sex problem that I do. They have a sexual narcissism where they think they MUST ACT in sex, such that the girl will go NOWHERE ELSE. Like Christian my ex. My ex boss, my ex lover. He was one of those. The chemistry of lust was strong with him. And I never felt that with anyone else. There’s a scent with it. I can’t put a finger on it, but just being around him turned me into a desperate for sex person, yet I hate people. I KNEW his chemistry, was a narc, even BEFORE I met him.
I was so strongly attracted I would wet myself. That’s how big a problem my hypersexuality is. It takes over my brain, I wuss out, I do weird things for attention because my hypersexuality takes over and just wants his dick in me. I can’t control it. And I have NEVER had a lover like it before or since.
However, I now have sex machines. My patrons sent me a fucking machine, with different dildo attachments. And I can actually get off on my own. IF, I’m doing something weird. And by weird, I have to get all somato-sensory. It’s fun. I’m experimenting and taping myself up in plastic and getting myself gunned by my At-At. I don’t need a human after all. I don’t need a relationship. I just need to figure out how to get off by myself. And it’s so weird I’m laughing at myself daily.
The problem is, I’m just bit attracted to people. And the ones I feel lust for, ARE TRULY ASSHOLES. Like seriously, if you’re an asshole, I like you already. I hate my fucking wiring! WHHHHHY am I this way?!
I DON’T want to be attracted to assholes. I see it in their pics, I know they are asshole immediately, I see their byline and go: yup he’s an asshole, AND I LET THEM IN KNOWING WHAT THEY ARE.
But, Manny wasn’t an asshole, he’s just a normal dude, who crossed my boundaries, fucked up. Not innocently, he wanted in. And I am disgusted with him. Like I can’t even… UGH.
My defense is to go numb. I can’t react. So when it happened, I couldn’t react. I let him get it over and done with. Then I felt disgusting for a week. And then I realized I felt disgusting and basically got ANGRY. He should have known better. I trusted him. I should have been able to say “what the fuck are you doing?!” But no. And here I am again, assaulted by the only friend I have IN REAL LIFE.
I shake it off like I always do. No big deal. But it is. I’ve been raped so many times in my life I let that shit go. But this isn’t fair. I’ve cut manny off. I can’t be arsed to even tell him how I feel. I’m done. I have a growing business, a lawyer, and digitally safe patrons that have my back.
By Christmas, I will be selling shit. And I’m so fucking proud of myself. So fucking proud my daughters talk to me. So proud that they LOVE my sculpting work and are proud to have a mother like me. I’m so fucking proud I’m making money, and slowly clawing my way back to independence. Don’t need dick.
Meh. It would be nice to have an intimate relationship, but I’m too fucked. However! Look at how other victims like me could BECOME?! If only they knew they didn’t need to NEED anymore.

Onnaloves

It’s true. I actually feel lustful around assholes. It’s the only time I sense that hormone rush of being a teenager, but I AM NOT. The truth is, I never experienced a normal teenage period of growing up and learning about attachment.
I tested myself on going through dating profiles and everything, and I LITERALLY only feel the twinge in my pussy ON AN ASSHOLE. He will be pretty to look at, yes he will be handsome, but there’s something about his presentation, a whiff of asshole, something not to be trusted, secrets! That’s it! I sense the picture is a fake and holding something back. Those are the biggest assholes. People that HIDE SOMETHING. And I know it, innately. They do this dance when you chat to them, beating around the Bush and chess-like. Instead of being “interesting” they are constantly trying to validate you. Because they are shallow uninteresting people.
And I know exactly how to attract assholes. So I’ve flipped it. I now attract assholes. I put myself out there on livestream, and skim them. I get 2 subs a day, and they convert into cashflow, that props up my product development.
And over the last month, I have gotten to know a few assholes. And I just don’t care. I’m totally doing this for me. I’m developing my own product because no one on this earth is going to fix me except myself. I mean, clinical butt probes? I had to control that green dot on the screen. Using a pressure sensor plug up my butt. I had to squeeze a 50cc water filled condom out my butt, and the nurse stood there with a stopwatch and I just couldn’t do it. Are you fucking kidding me? This is all medicine has to offer my jacked up intimacy responses?
So, I have figured out how to make myself horny as fuck on my own. Without thinking about anyone. Just tapping into my own body. And yes, I’ve had pain this last month. My experiments got to the point where my muscles jacked up on me and gave me cramps again.
BUT, I know how I need to feel while re-wiring and reprogramming myself!!! I need to make my device give me my own biofeedback while I’m horny as fuck, so that mentally I can tap into that map of my private parts down there and reconnect the out of control spasms - with good feels.
This week, I’m doing a volume experiment. I’m stuffing my chuff with dental alginate in a condom - while maintaining horniness, to see what form my muscles take up under uniform pressure - then I can give birth to the alien plug and study where my muscle form needs manipulating.
And yes, I stream all this weird as fuck shit on a paygated channel. It’s a fucking gynecology show for weirdos. And the tips I get… PAY FOR THE DEVELOPMENT. I’ve bought materials and casting stuff and tools, and everything I do is kinda insanely funny. But no one else is gonna do it right? And I think my device is gonna really help other women.
I did a reception test on a Facebook group, a showing. The post has clocked over 500 likes by women. I have 200 comments. A bunch of women followed me. I know when I launch - this thing is gonna go nuts.
So, I really have given up treading on eggshells, feeling ashamed about what I am. I’m just doing it.
I definitely feel lusty around assholes. But I’m not here to be abused anymore. I want to find a way of releasing myself from NEED.
right now the need of my own product to help fix my wiring down there, has taken away all urges to go looking outside. I’m intent on fixing myself and experiencing my body, my way.

Onnaloves

So much has happened, I had to drop in to update. I feel like I think differently, like nothing “gets” to me anymore.
Manny is still exiled, ghosted, and doesn’t know why - but I really don’t care. I didn’t ask him to put his fingers in me so he can go figure that shit out all by himself. Friends don’t cross boundaries. I really shouldn’t have to spell anything like that out.
It was my 44th birthday, and Keith’s 66th birthday. Which had always been a source of contention every year I felt he would steal my birthday. This year I apologized and said “about our birthdays, I can’t really do anything for you, but I’ve decided I wanna belly laugh, and we are going to do something completely utter stupid - and just laugh”
OKAY so he didn’t celebrate, but on our Birthday weekend. I climbed into a balloon filled with slime, and he was holding 2nd camera and trying not to laugh. I paygated the disaster balloon movie and made money on it.
Turns out I’m making money just in the nick of time, Keith’s unemployment insurance for pandemic relief goes away in a week, so now we will be surviving entirely off what I make. To be honest, Keith is a bit of a bore, that’s his personality, and I’m always praying about screaming in laughter at myself or in the pool like the crazy that I am. But, my laughter is making money.
So, recently, the stock market keeps taking a dive, and I noticed when things crash, keith gets really moody and snitty and worse - he snaps at me and hurts me - and doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. In the past, I used to slap on my headphones, or leave the room. But you know what? I have a right to live in this space! Especially when my earnings from laughter and games, will be entirely supporting of the both of us. Sooo…
Keith went into one of his usual rants (he rants everyday about politics, Covid, Afghanistan, Biden. He is severly dissappointed, jaded, angry, and he never lifts his own mood. He starts these lectures and goes on and on about stuff I clearly don’t care about. So, when he finished his rant, I said this:
Do you even know what I think or feel - my side of the equation of this (politics/Biden/Afghanistan?)

No answer.

“So you don’t wanna know the other side of the equation in this house?” I NODDED HE GRUNTED.

I wanna hear you say it. That you care what I think about this whole business. Because you don’t have a clue what I think.

Start argument here.

The truth is Keith, your behavior negatively impacts me. I can’t escape. I have to share the same room. But your negative behavior ACTUALLY HURTS ME. Everyday. Especially when the stock markets crash, I try to leave the room and play for money. It make me feel - hurt. Ignored. Actually really hurt.

IM NOT GOING TO STOP VENTING WHEN IM UPSET TO PROTECT YOU FROM YOUR OWN FEELINGS

But you don’t know how I feel do you? - I KNOW YOU DON’T CARE. Actually you’re wrong about that. You don’t care that “I” represent a part of the population just like you represent part of the population and you have zero idea about my thinking about all this… you’ve never asked. Which means you think you are entirely right, and this is what’s going to happen to America. Without giving a slight thought what other people in the political equation “think”.

THEN HE FLIPPED OFF AT ME, “you’re not a voter and you’d be socialist anyway” well, maybe if I was a citizen, but even though, you have no idea what people like me “think?” Do you? GO ON, TELL ME.

So I went on to clarify, the weird thought process I go through when the news comes on. I see the reporter amping up questions in a divisive manner. Throwing knives. And the politician is collected but won’t win because the emotional energy is on the side of the reporter at this point. I don’t even have to have volume on I can feel the needless needling coming from the reporter… and guess what? You are getting sucked in. You are reacting to the reporter not the politician. It’s like the reporter is picking a fight, and looks like he won, because you are all amped up.

But there’s people like me, who turn that shit off because I really don’t care. I see the needless needling. The carnival barker. The emotional leverage. The suck. And there is no need. The news should be news not a show. I don’t get sucked in. I don’t try and twist words. I feel sorry for Biden because THEY MAKE SHOWS TWISTING PEOPLES WORDS and imbuing them with intent using false logic. You think you’re so analytical but you can’t see this emotional leverage can you?
Me: I immediately see the demeanor of the inquisition, I know that’s not news, so I switch off, no information here worth learning. I just KNOW Biden’s intent was true either way. Because I FEEL IT.

So, keith sat there and thought quietly for about an hour. And now he’s AWARE than when he does that again -I’ll be pointing at him. You’re doing it again…

And I really don’t care. But now I feel more grounded - like my opinion is valid, I’ve taken form, feels like.

Onnaloves

Another quick post, then I’m off to sculpt. The politics is really amped lately. Not really unusual, but I find it an absolute BORE that keith - and millions like him are getting so aggravated.
I gave Keith specific examples on where his behavior negatively impacted me. And here’s the core matter:

I feel very little, and I’m not afraid of saying it. Because I feel little, I don’t have very much empathy for anyone, and that’s true, I rarely feel empathetic, I can feel sympathetic.

Therefore, nothing can align me with politics because it’s all emotional leverage. I have zero sympathy for any of it. People that over engage or indulge in it are boring. If politics affects you, do something about it, campaign or vote, or contribute to legislation. Don’t complain and whine in the same room as me. I hate the vibe.

Why would I watch a TV show? If it’s going to make me aggravated? I would watch a documentary, that teaches me what to know, and think about what I could do with that knowledge. But politics? It makes useless victims out of everyone.

And I’m sorry Keith, I told him, this stuff about Afghanistan. I. Don’t. Care. I literally don’t feel a thing. It’s not in my backyard. And when you say the political bashing affects us? Yah it affects you and your shitty behavior I put up with after it.

And since play and laughter is what makes money here… I just thought he should know. His constant negative griping is wearing, corrosive, and really seriously negatively impacts me.

It’s not horrible for me to not care about other people. I don’t. But I’m too invested in looking after myself to think about afghanifuckingstan. I know there’s horrible shit happening in the world. But I’m not letting doom and gloom cloud the life I wanna live. I want to live. I don’t want none of that shit that I can’t help around. So I’ve created a money making bubble, and made offshoots, and sidelines, and am slowly weaving a whole new web.

It’s hard work, I work 16 hours a day, I wake up with nightmares of actually looking at my phone - in bed and waking up searching for a phone under the sheets, only to realize I no longer take my phone to bed. Because it’s a work tool. I literally can’t believe I’m having nightmares about being on the phone.

I hate being on the phone or computer now. I just wanna work, sculpt, build my workshop, build my business, ugh. All the computer work to do with website and asset organizing is a killer. I have to design everything and I don’t have the time. Every little detail, digital art as well as graphic design as well as work with the lawyer. Can’t tell you how much I hate being on the computer now.

If it’s not afganifucky it’s Bidenfucky or covidiotfucky. And I just turn all that shit off. Make my place a safe space. And use sculpting to practice focused relaxation for hours - which for me is insanely hard.

I had a relapse two weeks ago started unable to recognize the tiles on my phone so I knew my brain was heading into deep shit again and stopped touching my phone as little as possible…

The tiles are still hard for me to differentiate. And I realize this is what stress does to me. Stress from a husband who brings gripe into the home, while at the same time whining about cashflow and money… and being a backseat driver, and a bore. So I figured he is stressing me out. And I had to nip it because this is characteristic of his behavior for 11 years since we’ve been together. 11 years of me allowing him to shit stink in the same room as me. Well, just so he knows, I had to tell him he didn’t have permission to do that anymore. I need to work without his shit stink. So now he’s trying to figure out where to take his political poo party.

Onnaloves

I literally can’t believe how hard I’m working. And also I’ve run out of meds and desperately need them, so I had to get on the phone and call the doc who wants to see me since I’ve been silent and he needs to moderate my meds.
I don’t have any news but felt that since I reached the end of august I needed to track what I had achieved:

Coming out with actually doing sex work on OnlyFans. With full support of my husband and lawyer. Funny huh?
My sex work has so far paid for my lawyer fees, materials, rotocasting, workshop setup, oh and we have a nearly steady income now.
Im being abrupt and assertive like never before. I’m being retweeted by journalists and doctors on Twitter. I’m starting Twitter fights for fun. I feel strangely in control of shit. I’m less aggravated by stuff in general. And I’m having a blast.
Trademark is being submitted, I’ll reveal soon. I’m going full on campaign for medical support for the product, I have a PR company ready, and I’m really figuring out my sexual problems by doing sex work in the form of weird self experiments.on myself.
No one is going to help the physically damaged from sex abuse. So I feel obligated to find a way. I just have to. I must. I’m 44 and I had an accidental orgasm after 5 hours of struggling to get into a gimp suit. I was so pissed at the struggle I gave up, and when I lay back in complete given up mood, I had a magical flutter that took my breath away. So everyone was laughing at the shit show. Streaming for 5 hours trying to get into a latex suit, only to get stuck several times and I burst the suit and had to cut it. Shit. A $200 suit!
Some weird shit on Twitter. Remember my ex BEST FRIEND?! well, she wouldn’t rise up to confront me, she blocked me, and yet she argues with reporters. Somehow she’s scared shitless of me. I’m dying to have a conversation with her, but she is burning because I’m being retweeted by everyone she fights with and the politics is just crazy.
Like I said this is not really news, but something feels weirdly in my favor. Nothing goes in my favor, but now, shit seems to actually be happening. Even though I’ve run out of medication, I’m slowly keeping my shit together and working hard. I am surprising myself daily. And I’m having fun.
About the sex work, it started out as just dressing up, but then went full on weird. I’m experimenting and it’s making people laugh. Even my husband. Who leaves the house and gives me space now. I need my meds but the struggle to stay focused without them has proven an interesting challenge.

I can’t believe I’m actually building a sex toy business. And my lawyer wrote and said she disagrees with the subsection of class ten; she thinks this is more than a sex toy, so we are figuring this out now. It’s so nice to have this dream realize and become reality…

This is a sculpture of the external positive mold. There is an internal device that is being protected so I’m not revealing it yet. But basically, I have a wait list of women who want this after doing a test in a private facebook group. And I have press lined up ready to take the product on a PR spin.
So I’m working really hard, there’s illustrations, engineering drawings, talks with manufacturers and chemical suppliers, sculpting like crazy, mold building, machine set-up (I’ll get more rotocasting machines as I scale up) and I’m getting incorporated aswell. Fuck. Already wrote too much.
I’m happy, whacky, and sort of riding the surf right now. Feels crazy, and powerful at the same time.

Onnaloves

Just had a convo with DuPont regarding the medically safe platinum cure skin safe silicon adhesives for my prosthetics. I don’t have a chemical receiving bay, with COSHH standards to receive the samples, because I’m not set up yet, so I called my supplier and asked if they could receive the sample for me before I go pick up some supplies.
We went through my specifications on the elastomer molding and casting materials, and they were so super helpful, she even sent me links on getting my place sorted out for handling shipments for chemicals.
I now have a budget, that includes not just materials, but setting up my materials handling which I will need as I go into production. Floor pans, pail tippers, ergonomic drum stackers etc.
My meds have been fulfilled I’ve been three days without and I feel noticeably disoriented. But, the small break, and the challenge to DEAL WITH PEOPLE while I have no chemical balance, has proven to me I am very very capable.
I feel as if, even if shit goes wrong. I always will have a fall-back now. I could fall back and get a job if I had to, working for a chemical supply company, or a creature shop. I COULD DO IT. Which has given me even greater resolve to just build my business.
So, I must carve some time out this evening to go hunt down any grant availability or resources for Covid post pandemic start-ups. Anything that can lessen the reliance on doing sex work to fund this start up.
I’m MORESO inclined since I realized OnlyFans is not as reliable as I’d hoped. They are controlled by the money guys, so they will enforce their rules, even if I am flying under the radar, it’s technically against their rules. The sex work I’m doing is not for self pleasure, and this is a grey area for OF. I did one experiment that was quite painful and funny, but they deleted my content and said it was against their rules. I’m not going to know if my product will work unless I take it to it’s ultimate boundaries, so I have to do the experiments on myself.
Figure out every way someone can literally fuck themselves up, and make sure my product is safe.
I’ve had some successes and pleasant experiences, but mostly it’s just another form of work.

Onnaloves

Jeeezus fuck Christ. I am so fucked up - I was on the phone to my lawyer last night having discovered a soft porn website which is cloaked distributing pirated videos of me going back to 2014 from my previous deleted YouTube Channel. 30 of my videos were stolen including photographs from my own pay site.
They were freely distributed and downloaded 11,200 times amounting to a potential lost income of $112,000.
So I was livid. I was so angry because this website is cloaked and two people who were supposed friends of mine are on the website, freely pirating and distributing my content. Patrons, and friends. No, stalkers is what they are.
My Lawyer has submitted an FBI complaint. This morning the site took it all down. But she is going to break their fucking necks.
I was unable to sleep last night because the feeling of RAPE followed me. So at 4 in the morning I gave up and wrote to a colleague I used to work with 8 years ago at a hosting company. He’s a geek I used to refer to as the dungeon master. Then this morning… we had the FUNNIEST FUCKING CONVO:
I thought you KNEW you were autistic? That was obvious to me anyway, I thought you KNEW you were one of us?
Me: I had no idea what autism was!

Background: I was marketing specialist for a hosting company, and I would come up with ingenious plans for driving traffic, I would semi-code the traffic machine and take it to the dungeon master to polish. And we would geek out on hacking the internet. Well, I got fired from that job even though everyone mostly liked me, I was just annoying I guess.

So I casually showed him my gymnastics bars set up and my fucking machine and said… ANY CHANCE YOU CAN HELP ME ARDUINO THIS THING WITH A WIFI BOARD so I can hand over the controls to my fucking machine to someone online and charge them extra money?
SURE YOU KNOW HOW TO CONFIGURE AN H-block? Yup, I could do that.
Him: So let’s run arduino control unit at 5v and the motor at 12v.
Me: No I need a 24v motor because this trashy fucking machine is weak as fuck and I jam it up so it skids off, which is why I’m building a self bondage frame and hooking up my feet in puppy booties to GET FUCKED PROPERLY.
Him: ok 24v it is, but we need a kill switch
Me: OMG NO, the stroke should be less than 3” so it shouldn’t need a kill switch in the final version except for me testing the handover of controls yeh…

So we full on went into phase one design of the virtual fucking machine redevelopment. And keith overheard the convo. And he said; let me write a deal memo for your friend so you protect both your interests in this project.

Ok. And I realized just how fucking weird this whole business is. I forgot to tell Alex (my friend) to go do some digging for me on the piracy website. But anyway the site took everything down this morning and too late, the FBI has complete reports and website dump on the piracy. FUCK THEM! Seriously fuck them in the head I want to bash them all in.

I crashed and slept and woke up just earlier to realize I gotta write this shit out.
This ain’t normal

Onnaloves

I somehow articulated myself yesterday in a forum of mostly female producers, and I’m mindblown that they all relate, and knew what I was talking about. So it seems that I’ve hit a nerve that women have never been able to articulate before about YouTube.
So I’ve been sharing plans on traffic protection, how to screen for porn sites stealing content, and we’ve polled amongst ourselves to find out what our male audience ratios are.
We’ve all experienced the 98% male audience spike. We’ve all been given strikes for non sexual content, based on male behavior watching the channels. We have all just realized this is big. And now we are sharing data and sharing the insidious comment demands from perverts. Wow.
I don’t even know what to do with this information.
Ive been stunned that guys NORMALIZE stealing my content and they literally think it’s ok to post nude pictures of me on a porn site.
I don’t have any problem with my naked body, but seeing them not even use my ALIAS, using my FULL NAME, on a porn site, EXPLAINS WHY I have experienced identity theft of my name with a bunch of catfishing profiles on Facebook. Go look for Juliana Payson, I guarantee there Are no Juliana Paysons, yet, there’s a bunch of fake Juliana Payson porn models on Facebook.
My name has become a search asset - for porn. I’m really pissed. This is what 7 years of not policing my image has done to me. I let my own name get dragged through the mud. No wonder I’ve never bothered to apply for work in a decade. People searching on me will find random porn.
I was never bothered about it before, but now, I’m just disgusted that so called contacts of mine have been leeching me for at least 7 years, putting downloadable content that was MINE on a porn site.
Damn I hate these kind of predators.
Im not concerned about the potential loss of income. The Reality is if people had to pay to download they wouldn’t.
What I’m pissed about is the name drag, the violation, the fact that they used my content to drive traffic to their shitty site. And I lost advertising revenue, and was slut shamed by an algorithm that cancelled my revenue because I was 98% male audience spikes - coming mostly from a porn site. So YouTube knows their behavior, and punished me for supplying their thirst with simple stuff that was never intended tk be sexualized.
Im tired. Back on my meds. I set up my new private streaming server today on Vimeo. I’ve been testing it. Lots of bug testing to do and reconfiguring. But now all my swimming stuff is private, paygated, and I’ve even gone through my YouTube and deleted everything. Fuck those men.

Onnaloves

Struggling to communicate it a massive problem with me. So I end up silent and seething inside. Big example happened yesterday, and I broke through a little bit.
I’m not certain why I go mute. There’s sensations inside my head, movement, creeping, flow. And I recognize it, I don’t know what it means, but I know it’s useless to fight it. Like literally the more I fight it, the worse it gets. So I give up.
The mentality of giving up is also strange. It’s pervasive, and I worry about giving up, because then I think it carries over into my attitude. Like not even wanting to start things, I’ve given up. Because there is a recognizable sensation in my head blocking me, from being able to what? Exactly?
So back to my big moment yesterday. I’ve been testing my new streaming server by swimming daily, and leaving that thing running while I swim. There’s a switch and I can choose about 15 minutes to multi stream just for traffic. It’s pretty great actually, but the logistics of holding on to a wifi signal which is impossible on battery and needs a mains lead walked out to the poolside everyday.
And this is part of the problem. To maintain signal, I have to be connected to the mains, now I’m walking to the pool with a 110v LIVE CABLE. It’s sectioned because I need 100ft. So, my mind knows this is JUST BAD, and I go mute. I’m actively walking the walk AGAINST my brains wishes.
It gets worse, I have to get to the other side of the pool in the shade or the CPU overheats and I loose output to the wifi… so timing, and if I cut corners the power chord drags into the pool. Now my brain is freaking out. I double back, and it’s just a constant polava. Eventually I get to the other side of the pool having forced my delicate fishnets through foxtail grasses on the lawn, and now I’m super pissed, because now I have costume issues.
And it gets worse like that. So I described this to keith asking for his help, and he argued with me. He musunderstood the broken garbage I came out with and physically argued with me adding to my mute he said “it’s impossible for the cable to go in the water” and continued his stance that I WAS WRONG ABOUT MY OWN EXPERIENCE.
“The cable is long enough to go around the pool - it won’t go in the water!” He raised his voice at me. He shouted at me. And I was mute. Because he attacked me. He actually didn’t pay attention I was having difficulty articulating, and he chose to attack me.
No matter how helpful Keith thinks he is, he has a type of brain which says:
If she doesn’t say anything correctly she is being stupid, I’ll attack her stupidity.
And it hurts.
So yesterday, I didn’t want to feel like that again. And I said to keith:
I need you to be patient and understand I have a massive problem. I can’t speak. I can’t speak when I’m in trouble and I need help. I don’t want you to dismiss me, because it hurts. I want you to listen carefully and not interrupt, while I try to explain. Because you are dismissing me before I finish, and I need to find ways to speak the problem.
I picked up a rabbit mat, I said “this is the pool” and slapped it in middle of floor. I held my arms infront of me. And mimed me walking around the pool on tip toe following the path. I acted out the flat foot frog walk over the grass, and went tip toe in the concrete areas. I know this looks stupid. But I need to communicate the problems I’m having. So I mimed the whole thing and showed keith the cable dragging in the pool, with a mains adapter - and mimed the freak out, the cause of my super mute garbage babble. I mimed the costume getting wrecked in the grass. I mimed balancing the laptop in the shade on a precarious stool. I mimed the whole freak out ritual.
And keith said: all you have to do is ASK FOR HELP.
here’s the problem. I ask for help but keith contributes to the mime disaster. He actively becomes part of the fuckimg comedy anyone else would die laughing if they could see. Because I’m mute and he gets angry and fustrated and spats off a me and I physically don’t want him around.
That’s actually what he did in the end. I made it to the other side of the pool with him following me and bitching the whole way I was going too fast for him to let out cable… and in his pathetic mind all I can think of is why the fucking idiot has to let it out in the first place. Why not lay the fucking cable out in doubled over lengths and then have fixed points to drag it so that it won’t cut corners and go into the pool. Why does this fucking idiot not think like me?
How can I explain to him that if he were to track the cable out in doubles over lines, he wouldn’t slow me down letting out coils of cable?
He is stupid.
I know he’s trying to help. But he attacks me all the time, because I can’t communicate. And his solutions are crazy fucking stupid. He is a comedy of old man syndrome. He is useless at DIY or anything practical, which is why he sits at a computer all day staring at numbers. But the program that hosts the numbers is so fucking difficult for him to manage, he buys into training and webinars now.
And it’s because of these webinars he has become more understanding of what he has taken for granted from me. He no longer ever asks me to do shit for him. Like tickle the internet for more clients. Because he knows HOW FUCKING HARD it is to use all these softwares and create advertising and free posts. So, in recent months he has really started to understand HOW MUCH TIME I gave him when I did everything for him and not my own targets or goals.
I still resent him for stealing 7 years away from my projects. He was demanding and now he knows.
Back to the mute thing.
My mute has been a problem for 4 days. Ever since I re-started the logistical trial of livestreaming from the pool. This is an essential goal of mine to satisfy patrons, and let up on the actual editing and production work. I won’t go into the fact that when I was deleted from YouTube a year ago I wanted this set-up. But keith wouldn’t let me spend the money.
So I’ve lost a year of productivity. I’ve been inneficient. And that hurts.
I still have major issues with Keith. And I don’t know how to work around them. Miming helped. I didn’t realize I was such a good actress 🤣. I might ask to do a casting for one of his future feature films. Just to get a chance to act, because I know I might be half decent at being someone else for a change.
I am going out today to repeat the whole livestream disaster movie. I am mute now for 5 days. It’s not getting better. I’m already feeling this kind of panic futility that it’s not just going to destroy valuable equipment while he’s there, but he will allow it to happen because of his stupidity. And I will feel like I saw all this shit coming, which means I am mute while he is whining at me and perpetrating my whole mute trigger.
Fuckimg asshole seriously.
I’m wondering if I should take him by the boulders and walk him where I want his fucking feet to go this time. Just be a brain dead zombie - there that’s more helpful.
Just be a brain dead zombie and shut that fucking clap-trap of yours for speaking without engaging brain. I sense danger - and you are part of the problem! Asshat. I just want Keith to be a zombie and not speak at me and just mind control where I want him to go keeping pace with me as he drags cables doubled-over around fixed pegs in the ground so I don’t electrocute myself with laptop and pool.
Why can I write this here? And not fucking say it? If everyone was a zombie I would have such an easy time dealing with people.

Deef

Deef Studying Broca’s region and how the formation of speech from a mute is actually because we cannot gearshift the limbic system from emotional discourse.

fyi.. Listening to trauma book with some neuroscience research, and he linked Broca region has having less activity with trauma patients…. so when trauma and emotional brain takes over, it can mess up the broca region.. ergo.. language issues..

Onnaloves And keith said: all you have to do is ASK FOR HELP.
here’s the problem. I ask for help but keith contributes to the mime disaster. He actively becomes part of the fuckimg comedy anyone else would die laughing if they could see. Because I’m mute and he gets angry and fustrated and spats off a me and I physically don’t want him around.

Miming could end up being a half-work around… figure out how to physically act out, or physically move him like a zombie to show what you want to be done… it might take some time to get something working.. but that might be a better fix than language..

Onnaloves Just be a brain dead zombie and shut that fucking clap-trap of yours for speaking

You might be onto something here… I’ve heard some Aspie’s talk about learning how to train neurotypicals… and sometimes they just want to be told specifically what to do.. like a brain dead zombie.. they have mindblindness just like autistics… but them not knowing what you’re expectations are, or why you’re so urgent or emotional… neurotypicals get more freaked out by that uncertainty than people on the spectrum…

Onnaloves

Deef ive barely had a day to calm down from yesterday’s fucking disaster. And the same thing happened today, more disaster.
I’ve decided I have to get him INTO the mime with me next time, by the shoulders and act it out. No joke, I cannot fucking speak and I cannot seem to get rid of this fuckimg crawl in my headspace. It won’t go away.
I literally feel my brain crawling like it’s super struggling over something, it’s an icky feeling and I’m not sure what it means, but it makes me super angry and frustrated and ready to blow.
So I’m dutifully swimming EVERYDAY to try and release this brain lock. It does seem to help, but then I wrap up exhausted ready to collapse and I really have to focus on wrap up, equipment tidy, oh and EAT.
Unfortunately I get so spazzed out, I end up dragging 110v cables through the pool AGAIN and yup! I’m still a fucking disaster. It’s NOT going away my mute is killing me.
I asked keith to assemble my rotocaster machine. My executive dysfunction has gotten to the point of - I can’t get two planks together let alone push a screw in the right hole. Funny thing is, HE STRUGGLED SO BAD and nearly broke the worm drive 🤣🤣🤣. He’s totally not a 3D practical kinda person. I felt badly for him.
Perhaps I am really aging and this is just my brain going NOPE you can’t do that shit anymore? But that will make me grieve! I want to be independent and normalish again, I just can’t quite manage.
Maybe I’m overloaded?
Maybe I’m doing way too much?
Maybe I need a few days completely stopping everything?
I have no idea.
But this communication issue - I’m going to experiment again tomorrow with Keith. And find a way of getting him to mime with me. He still argues witb me in a violent manner saying I’m doing shit wrong if cables are dragging through the pool. And I want to knock his fucking block off.

Oh I rescued a bee on the livestream today. He flew into my holographic hat, and I went under and he drowned. So minutes were consumed on the livestream freeing his wings while he sat on the tip of my finger and dried off to fly away again. It was kinda sad, I felt bad that he nearly died by flying into my flowery swimming hat.

Meh. If only I could film the communication disaster and make a movie out of it. It’s a comedy of disasters. It didn’t go well yesterday. Chemicals melted the surface of my gold ball so I got glue all over me while dancing underwater. I couldn’t control the livestream without sloshing pool over the power line and then got stuck to the towel trying to dry my hands to regain control.

Peeled off dead bugs off my gold ball and then I panicked that I was going to swallow bugs in the pool, so didn’t smile underwater. Once again my footage ugh.

But then again I do my hobby alone. Sooo I’m just trying always to improve myself

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