One week after new meds. Yesterday I woke up, excited to start the day. I went downstairs to clip grass for the bunnies, came upstairs and took a bath… heard the sliding doors and thought 💭 huh weird didn’t hear keith go downstairs to put the hose out. I got out the tub, got dressed, went downstairs…
And noticed the window cover was jammed in the door. I am too careful to do that. Glanced toward my workshop and there was a resounding moment.. where the fuck is my OBS laptop? Everything was staged for me to stream, and the gap was like a bomb going off in my head. The jammed window cover in the door, the fact that I wondered how Keith snuck downstairs without me hearing him. JULIANA YOU FUCKING IDIOT. I could have CAUGHT THE BASTARD AND STABBED HIM TO DEATH WITH MY DENTAL PICKS. And I missed the opportunity because he heard me in the bathtub.
My head exploded and everything went numb, I tracked outside and saw that he had calmly left and closed the back gate behind him, but this opportunist had scaled a locked 6ft bar gate to come in and steal my laptop.
I could have been downstairs. And all I could think about was wishing I WAS DOWNSTAIRS to give him the surprise ending he deserved. I visualized me going mad and sticking him fast and multiple times right in his neck with my sharp dental tools to hand. I fantasized about the sound and the blood squirting everywhere.
Then I trooped upstairs and fell through the door, glaring at Keith, and calmly said -we’ve been burgled. His reaction was way different than mine. He was reactive and panicky. The questions started rattling from him. I said nothing and he came downstairs and literally sounded like he was having a panic attack. I don’t remember his pointless questions. He was trying to understand what happened, and obviously my computer was gone, and he was freaking out, asking me where my car keys were “I don’t know” so… that started a slow wake up with me.
I started to feel his panic. Anyway, that was soon resolved because my car keys were actually in my purse, which was upstairs, and Keith normally gets in a panic and screws me up, by bombarding me with irrelevant questions. I said to him: alright I’m going back for ANOTHER BATH NOW TO CALM DOWN thanks for the panic attack. It was my fucking laptop, and Keith immediately moves to blame and what else did I leave lying around. Upon saying we are now a target I said good! I hope he comes back and gives me the opportunity for me to stab him. At which he realized I was dead serious, I’ve been here before, I told him that story, when intruders come, I feel nothing other than, how dare you enter my space you worthless piece of shit. And I intentionally scare the crap out of them by acting out - calmness. Only this time, I want a victim.
My head was in a narrow space, full of rage, and yet - I was in control. I have never been violent to anyone before, but I dream of it. I dream of stabbing them in vital places that splick and leave you minutes to live while the hemorrhaging inevitably goes one way to hell. I dream of pools of blood flowing out of men’s necks, which I watch their eyes go out and enjoy it.
These drugs, actually help me fantasize MORE, because, I now have the ability to project time, planning, and intent. Which I did not before. I went to the bath tub to calm down, but secretly I was enjoying the fantasy of murdering an intruder. Wishing for one to fall in my path. Death by anything close to hand… and if there is nothing close to hand… I would rip their nostrils apart. Until they collapse in pain and I could smash their skulls on the stony floor with a fist full of his hair.
I enjoyed that bath. Then I went downstairs, and continued to sculpt. With nerves of steel I sculpted probably the best accuracy I have done so far. I was proud of my control, that I’ve been missing for ao long. My wrists have been kinda weak, my finger tips have been fluttering when I try to apply pressure - but now, I have nerves of steel.
So, Keith is out right now, getting the car serviced, and I’m hoping an intruder will come and give me some sick joy.
I literally don’t feel anything else.