I shit myself seeing this, I drew these flow fields while I was struggling with derealization - a left-over symptom of my seizure attacks that finally stopped in April of this year - when I found this group.
My reality had disintegrated, and I was unable to filter and focus on anything but the overwhelming Trip of combined senses. Walls breathed in time with me, numbers swam and changed places, objects were unrecognizable, everything was in a lag of viscous time.
People were slightly separate from the rest of the world, in that, they moved the fields around them. And I started wondering why each person had a different kind of flow field. I decided to figure out a way to draw them, and attribute their „faces“ and vertices with planes of interaction.
For example, some people appear vortex-like. They are imabalanced and you feel the suck. These people have a kind of Pole of attraction, and i called this field the cone shape. It appears more towards the back of the head, and „condenses“ emotion. But it has two faces and two vertices. Two-faced being the face that is presented to others, seperate from others. This two faced cone shape, is like a vortex flow field, that is amplifying emotions, and if you see one side, you see what you want to see, but the other side, is empty.
I found this condensing funnel shape to be dominated by seratonin activation, for example when you go to sleep.
Testosterone became a 3 faced pole, or column. The testosterone molecule is long, and it is synthesized in the longest cells of the body - muscle cells. But testosterone increases tension in the flow field between front and back, and that „pressure“ is all about dominance, being the winner. Testosterone is black or white, it only sees opposing ends of the spectrum and cannot grasp context, the paths controlled by testosterone are absent from contextual regions of the brain. They form poles either side but lead to aggression at the front by bypassing inhibition.
Dopamine, is all about reactivity, and time awareness. I call this the flip lord of personalities. The dopamine receptor pathways form a p-orbital or dumbbell shape, pinched in the middle like the figure eight. It is this extremely fast flipping through the central mid brain area, that allows dopamine to be so responsive, however, they are uncontrollable, refocused, and easily addicted when imbalanced with dominance.
Then estrogen, the torus, the estrogen pathways are rotating near the periphery of the brain, they mirror, and from this is the ability to have empathy. The periphery action of the torus field is abstract with crosswiring across parietal and temporal parts of the brain. It is through estrogen, that we make strange associations, that are contextually not possible with testosterone.
Estrogen is mainly in control of the mirror neurons, since it has rotational symmetry, but the deficit of estrogen, is that it cannot see itself. It relies on others to explore feelings. To mirror others and develop the glue in the brain of new associations. Everybody has estrogen on the brain, it is the precursor to testosterone, without estrogen there is no testosterone as testosterone is synthesized after the breakdown of estrogen.
To be estrogen dominant, is to make associations in abstract metaphor, to never understand oneself, except through others.
I have felt these flow fields for as long as I can remember, and they feel strongest when I am in a near sleep state, or my filters are off, or incapable of being on. The way I process these flow field is to feel the flow in my brain, to hear and sense it, and to project it without sight, but a kind of fold in the blackness of my mind which becomes pinched. As if, you could visualize the field of a magnet - with distortion.
Since I’ve been on these new meds, my brain has been fizzing and blood flow drawn to support new growth, dry riverbeds of old memories, and the ability to reconnect with a part of me I haven’t been for at least 4 years.
I often feel the dot-like pulses of activity, especially behind my right ear - of my brain telling it to draw more blood, and there feels like a blockage on the right side which is causing a problem. The thing is, when I speak of such things to my doc, we’ll, if I speak to anyone of these sensations that have always been a part of me, professionals would think me a schizo. Which, I honestly have to agree with, it does feel like I am possessed most times. Except, my thoughts are no longer intrusive, and I no longer have voices and multiple conversations inside. They all went away. I don’t even know when.