Still in a constant state of shock at “seeing things” for the first time around me. Bunny has reactions when I go downstairs he gets upset and starts digging in the bathroom, right above my head in the workshop. I have to come upstairs and soothe him.
The rooms are a mess, I’ve been picking up as I go along, dusting, organizing, moving things. It feels more organized now instead of the chaos Beirut explosion around me of clothes lying everywhere.
I clean my dishes after I use them. I can’t believe I feel so competent.
I’m flashbacks are getting worse. I am reminded of various tortures, that hit me any time. And I am seeing myself with reactions I feel I would jot do today. That’s why they are nightmares and tortuous. My memories of reactions put me in the feeling of being a child, as I had no control. But now, I see into the past soooo many events I react differently to NOW. In the moment. I’m cringing the fuck all over the place and it makes me so ugh.
How could I have reacted like that?
I put myself into positions of helplessness. Knowing shit was going to happen. Why did I react like that and sabotage myself? I set myself up to fail? Because I felt unworthy to succeed?
Not sure, but the cringey feelings are plaguing me. I did not know better in those days, and my reactions made me ugly to those around me. Isolated.
Why is it I’m seeing a different me NOW? Has my personality changed? I feel like I’m a different person, like I woke up, WITHOUT WANTING ANYONE TO SAVE ME. Like seriously, fuck everyone I can do this! And the boldness, has rubbed off on Keith, he’s livened up a bit and I can feel his relief.
He says he didn’t know if I would heal. He was losing hope, and realizing I had been mentally ill ever since he knew me. My mannerisms, everything, was a slow decline for many years. I guess I felt so constrained and instead of life giving me experience, I felt more and more tortured with no way out.
Job interviews for jobs I never wanted. Jobs that pulled me further and further away from my passion. I HATE MARKETING I never will work for anyone else again. I have talent, and I can be independent, or I can take up artist gigs whenever I want now, with my portfolio. So I have a fallback plan. But, I know I will be up and running soon. It feels so good. I am relieved, if only the nightmares and cringey memories would stop showing me my old reactivity.
I will never sabotage myself again. I will see my own red flags, as discomfort in myself. And nail it straight away. No one, NO ONE, gets to tell me anymore to repeat myself, or talk dismissively to me again. These little red flags in myself, simply mean the energy flow is going the wrong way.
The way I feel now, I WAS STUPID TO GO TO AUSTRIA. Fucking STUPID! There were signs of discomfort and I ignored them, as I have done my whole life. If ever I feel trepidation again, I will question it immediately. Unless I feel FUCK YEHH about it, I AM NOT DOING IT.
Fucking fuck did this wait until I am 44. I could have reacted so differently and saved myself a life of fucking torture.
Ok, coffee break over, I’m heading back down, without my phone. I’m wearing protective wear all the time now, this rabbit fur being tracked into my workshop is a nightmare. I’m using trash bags as overalls, a silk hair cover, and face shields. My workshop is getting tidier.
Now I need to tidy the rest of the house during breaks.