Oh boy, it’s really sad feeling with a clinically BPD daughter who is in the middle of self sabotage right now, and I’m just so emotionally … where am I?
So no matter what I say now, eldest daughter will throw it back at me and probably stop speaking to me again for not helping her solve her problem.
I may be wrong, but she was complaining of toxic people at work, and that she has to leave in January, and she won’t be able to pay rent, so I offered her come here and she seemed quite excited about it, until she realized that meant leaving her boyfriend… who is older than me.
So, if she was here helping me with the business, of course she would be paid, and I would cover her rent just so that at least youngest daughter could move out and have a safe space of her own.
But no, eldest is going into a spiral push pull thing and I’m expecting the mud flinging next. But that’s ok, I’m just sad to see her so confused and imploding. Because, I suspect, the terms of staying employed is probably vaccination, and it’s THAT stubbornness that gets her to lose her job, AND put a barrier between her and I.
So this has GOT to be more than a fear of a needle. This is some other kind of neuroticism. Probably looking to the anti-vax crowd for any excuse to prop up her fear related to the jab. How I hate these anti-vaxxers, and creepy, that my daughter is one of them. Sigh.
So there’s always very little I can do, not for want of trying but because I was pushed out of their lives from 16 years ago, and even though there is a bridge between us, the chasm that divides us is so scary for Eldest to look over she won’t even dare say what she really means or wants to say… because, she has not been “trained” to ask for help, or be reasonable when triggered. She is absolutely the opposite, such a fear of triggering that she is pathologically avoiding conversations around any topic of vaccinations, travel, passports, over and above being with her mum, because she doesn’t know how to be vulnerable infront of me. This sucks.
All I can do is say the door is still open whatever she chooses to do. That I love her regardless. And of course I’m not even going to argue with her or set the tone of dissappointment or whatever and try to correct her weird belief systems.
If people don’t embrace life with FÜCK YEH! Then there is nothing you can do. Because I’ll only set up blame when she decides to BPD spiral infront of me.
Her BPD illness by the way, was as a result of neglect and abandonment with emotional abuse by her father. It’s so deep, she has yet to realize it will take a few years to normalize in a place at peace with our lives here.
I was looking forward to sharing my business with eldest daughter, and teaching her all kinds of things, but I have Keith helping me. So this time, I am not alone, but I’m still sad she doesn’t embrace the opportunity with the kind of fuck yeh spirit that I always went for.
I had the balls to run away into the unknown at 17. I had the balls to make my way alone through university and work hard so I came out with no debt. I had the balls to set up two boutiques, train teams of parents, train interns and pull off stupid challenges. I had a kind of spirit back then and even to this day. She does not, she is very much a little princess who wants to be treated as such. And, I can to an extent but I will not push anyone into my ideas. Take them or leave them. Take them with a fuck yeh or I will play devils advocate.
So yeh I’m really sad. I don’t care how fragile narcissism or borderline she is, I just want the chance to give her a safe space for exploration and reprogramming. Shit, put her in acting school, dance school, get her making friends then teach her business at home. But these are my dreams I guess.
How did I get the spirit in my personality and my daughters didn’t? I guess having a fiery mother might have something to do with it. My mother never believed she could be wrong, and she was a sport when it came to hosting parties and teaching people lion dance, dragon dance, sword dance, fan dance, and making costumes.
So, inspite of my mothers psychopathic madness I really do appreciate all the colour and life she put into being a fake mother lol. It was MAD. Her costume wardrobe was in my bedroom and I would sneak inside to feel the silk of the princess outfits.
Mama used to sing Chinese Opera, and she performed and wore the headdresses, I don’t know how she really learned all of this, to me mama was really talented. And father was always in his toy shop, building planes and trains, steam engines and lathe and milling machines, which he taught me how to use from 10 years old.
So, I was not afraid of machinery, I climbed trees and clambered up the brick walls grabbing on by the fingertips and toes and scaled houses up to the garage roof. I built treehouses, huge rope bridges that spanned the garden until they actually pulled an oak tree down. And I was always fairly industrious as a kid. If I had brought my daughters up, they would have been put through the same regimen as I haha. Well they were! Anja was a toddler running around the school halls while I managed all the parents in sewing and cutting costumes.
She was always with me even in the shop. But that all stopped when they were kidnapped by their pathetic father, who was incompetent and unemployed and a drunk while living at his parents for many years. Then he was forced to move out because he made some girl pregnant, and my daughters lives turned to shit after that. Having to bring up a baby step sister they hated simply because the mother was a crazy bitch and encouraged him to abuse his own daughters.
They have not had a fearful female to guide them since they were four and two years old. Yes I was scared of my own mother, but I held deep respect for her, regardless. As she suffered greatly, and was lifelong inconsolable. I grew sick of the bitterness and when she started flinging hate at me, I left.
And no one ever bothered to find me after that. I was simply banished, for being a whore. LMAO and now I’m laughing in whore as I sell a few thousand sex toys TO WOMEN, FOR WOMEN in need of help LIKE ME. Hahahahah
Laughing in hoe. Fuck yeh!