So, what I wrote before - that got lost - was I think I had a demon inside me. Iām serious. I know now because itās gone. Iāll explain in a moment.
Iāve had an incredible morning, I woke up an hour earlier than usual, clean, not foggy, and I knew I could talk. It was weird. I got up, spoke to the bunnies, sat on the sofa in disbelief at the clarity of mind I had. just enjoying it. It was as if, I had nothing to defog, I was unblocked, I could see for the first time with my own eyes. I was IN my own body.
I enjoyed this morning, feeling clarity, wondering when did the clarity begin. That was what I explained this morning sitting on the sofa from my phone, before it lost the journal entry.
So I went to the computer and started my work (more art, some amazing neotic experience of guided love I am demonstrating in my next video). Then I took a break, Keith woke up, asked me how I was, and I replied without hesitation, something has happened, I am defogged.
we spoke for an hour, he unravelled 10 years in an hour. he unravelled where we lost connection to each other, and I could understand his language, I could understand his feelings, as now, he could understand mine.
I am literally in tears writing this. I wrote an experience then lost it, only to tell Keith what that was and he not only heard me, but shared. and we saw each other for the first time in 7 years. That is why I am crying. I have lost time. because I was possessed by more than one demon, that I was displaced from myself.
Sunday: I revealed to Keith I was feeling lighter, somehow, I could wake up in the mornings of my own accord. For a while I have often slept so deeply, that I dissappeared into my dreams far away, and would often have to cough myself back. As it is easy for me to leave my body and often forget to stay alive. I have to fight many nights to come back, I use the will power of coughing with a spring in my chest to speed up my heart and force me to breath and deliver oxygen to my suffocating brain away with near death experiences.
To live in this state, on the edge of life itself, is to feel as though I am a zombie, going through life out of synch with time itself, as the world catches up around me. I am in wonder at the visions I have of two worlds during the catch up, at the peripheries, in between time, coming from inside me and being projected into this world.
I didnāt know what it was, but I had a sense of what it was, a sense of something in my blind spot, my void, that I could not help but yearn to see, I was addicted to my void. somehow, my addiction is to leave this earth, and travel amongst other things.
Day 1: Monday - Gary contacted me, I was in the bath recovering from a shit. itās always hard for me to shit, itās always stuck inside, so there is always a recovery period from trying. He was embarrassed at first - and I said - āOh no no no, I am ready, thereās no better place to be to talk about SHIT other than the recovery tubā. He laughed, and I said look, I am over and done with B, this isnāt for me itās for you, my past is dead and buried I had decades to deal with it and I am ok now. This is all fresh to you, you have a lot to unravel, so I will tell you what you need to know if you can stomach it. So you can put the truth together from my detailsā¦.
I proceeded to tell him my story, I did not expect to convulse and sob as I did - in the bath. but as I did I was surprised, I sobbed so hard I shook, and the bathwater kept me clean. I exhaled the demons inside me in those moments. and later that day I SHAT LIKE NORMAL. LIKE, I DIDāT EVEN HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT. It was just f-u-c-k-i-n-g- normal, no big deal, no thinking, and straining and trying to open asshole.
Gary said to me, he was kicking himself he didnāt contact me sooner, and that i had somehow helped him, even though it was a traumati ride. He really wanted me to speak to Jane, he said, that would help me. I didnāt realize what had happened at that point, so I said, she might be too traumatized, Iāll write it out, and you can send her the link, if she has questions I will talkā¦.
Day 2: Jane had questions, the big one about WHY did B become that way, so I explained with my insight, I could see the realization slowly peel away her confusion. I saw the cloud lift from her eyes. The deep meaning of her upbringing, his upbringing, how they shared the same mother who influenced their own addiction in many ways. so, yes it helped her, but on a deeper level, I realized I could communicate. I spoke to Jane, a stranger, I not only spoke for hours the second day in a row, but, it felt articulate, in my feelings, as though, communicating for the first time in my life, how it should be. not as a mute who learns to talk, but as a human being. who loves Jane too, and wants to know that she is OK and strong enough to grow with me through this ordeal. I gave her homework, and said, on our next call, lets talk about our feelings, it will be good for me and her, to practice this.
Day 3: Gary and I are both aware of "TOO MUCH TALK, so after we went over some details, he reflected back at me his journey, and how he dealt with knowing, and we shared insight of our different coping strategies. It was FASCINATING, because he is such a flip lord, working in reactive compressed time, to perform his acrobatic feats, of story telling and producing his elaborate shows. We instead focused on our differences and enjoyed the time talking together marveling at the diversity of coping patterns and how we break the cycles. So on that note, I decided to illustrate his mind energy. to show him his blind spots, and I will talk about that later.
TODAY, DAY 4:
I am sitting in wonder of waking up to clarity. being able to speak. it was literally like some blockage was now gone, and I was reconnected. Now I am reconnected I am not fighting to stay in the moment. Things are not moving around me. How can this be after a few days? I thought back to the moment I felt clarity, and it was in the bath, when I exhaled that thing, that had been keeping me sewn in. it had sewn up my nerves and senses and blocked me, and now it was gone. The spiders bindings and webs of sticky glue, are dissolving. I am no longer foggy. I am amazed. I am not worried about crashing, I am not worried about sleeping, never was, but now I feel like sleeping will re-energize me, instead of drain me to work around the cyst ball holding my demons within.