Change seems to be happening fast…
it’s as though the precursors were the realization from my dreams since BEHIND HER EYES sent ripples out, and triggered this whole crazy unraveling.
it’s a one year anniversary of the pandemic, one year since I told Christian to fuck off so that I could concentrate on my healing. One year for me, of peace and no expectation, I could just learn to come back at any pace I could handle. I played in the sun for a year, I played and didn’t think about anything for a year, I just marveled at the world and my regrowing connection to it. Back then, a year ago, I could barely speak. Now! It is as if… I AM UNCORKED!
i know I can speak, and it feels uncorked. Unblocked. Like the circuits for speech are travelling from where they are supposed to, instead of being pulled from my brain with workarounds.
when did I notice this? It happened almost suddenly, like there was a trickle a leak of knowing where to find the path. Like a leak in a dam wall. And I was poking around the memories holding everything back.
now there is no memory holding anything back. No unconscious will holding my speech back. Instead a realization that, I was traumatized by people’s feelings which wrapped up my speech against memories even more.
this morning I woke up at 8:30 and I felt alive. Instead of dead. I am dead in the mornings, my feet are cold, my head is hot and foggy, I lumber out of bed in a living coma and wait for my brain to come online.
this morning, I woke, my feet were warm. My eyes snapped open, and I intuitively stretched my legs to feel my feet, their warmth. And the strangest thing happened. My thighs vibrated with energy, and enjoyed the stretch down to my feet. My thighs.
i realized I NEVER do this in the morning, I never ever ever stretch because I can’t. It’s like painful if I do, those scars inside my pelvis tug and spasm from stretching when cold. But this morning, I am warm and alive.
I thought about how intense the burning and cutting sensations got last night. A new sensation of intense pain in tiny little cutting pangs started while I was writing to John. These pangs of tiny pains were as though connective tissue was just being CUT inside my abdomen. The last time I felt this pain, was when I was first pregnant with my first baby, and as my womb swelled, the connective tissue holding it upright ripped and pinged and tore itself away. I HATED THOSE DAYS my pregnancy made me very ill. I was nauseated all the time from the connective tissue being torn away from my rapidly growing uterus.
the pangs of pain feel like the chords of a spiders web being CUT. Ping Ping Ping. It was as though I had fire ants inside cutting away the cobwebs inside me of hidden memories that were no longer junking me up.
it was an awful day yesterday full of burning and anger and hate.
but that was being exorcised and cleaned from my belly by burning fire ants eating everything up.
i went for a bath and brush against myself, I was slippy down there and it surprised me. I had not been shagging any monsters in my dreams, nor Madonna, infact I’m pretty sure I didn’t shag anyone. I dreamed of asking a friend to cut my hair the previous night.
i swept my vagina out this morning in the bath, and I was shocked, for it felt straight! And smooth, and slippery! And warm, and I touched the tip of my period starting in a little snot of brown.
let me just say, I know my meat pocket really well and this was incredibly different. I felt like a warm hole, smooth and straight and fleshy on the sides. Whereas normally, it is convoluted, contorted. The tear in my vaginal muscle walls, allows a germination through from my gut, I feel the compression of my uterus right bound to my vagina walls as it was folded and bound down into an unnatural anteflex position in every scan I’ve had.
The doctors always noticed it, but said it didn’t need to be corrected unless I was in pain… which I was but didn’t realize it.
so this morning, I could extend my legs and feel the vibration of energy through my thighs and pelvis, that had previously been blocked. And my feet felt warm. Which was a total surprise as I have lived with cold feet all my life.
the ants inside me are still at work, my anger fuels them. They are burning and burning and cutting away, and releasing a lot of anger and hate.