Tried to avoid calling him a narc, as if that is supposed to be less aggressive or whatever. Using descriptors instead of the word narc. But, I have no doubt. none whatsoever. Gary demonstrated truly what it was like to FEEL EMPATHY, I have NOT EXPERIENCED THAT BEFORE. I have chosen to let slip and bleed a bit. Even to my doctors, even to the therapist, and to Keith. And their disgust, their utter disgust, hurt me so bad, I swallowed and couldn’t bleed. I thought I was safe when I married, and that’s why I tried to bleed. but I couldn’t, not even in the presence of the therapist, because it was too overlaid with their disgust. not just one person, not just keith - but others. There were others in the room and I felt their disgust. I could not open up in that place. I hated keith for it. for giving me a straw man therapist, an empty clairvoyant, insensitive to my needs, insensitive to my very, specific, needs.
After my breakdown, I had to come back from the familiar fog, and I knew I could not do this alone, I needed to find someone someplace where I could bleed.
I searched through autistic forums, I searched the alexithymia forums, I searched womens only forums, I searched the psychadelics forums. in the end, I needed someone who understoof the OTHER WORLD I lived in.
The psychadelics world came close, but omg, they are PUSSIES. FUCKING DIVING INTO this ego trip, and it’s not helping the wider community understand, that the world of psycadelics, was my world. I lived there always, I needed no gateway of drugs, to see into the void. But if that’s what psychadelics are, the physics of connecting the mind with that doorway, then what else can do it?
my goal, is to explain to 2D thinkers how to expand into the 4D world, and use it as a space for healing and interconnectivity. But that sounds like space hippy garbage. I realized in Behind her Eyes, that they used a sequence, look at the clock, look away, pinch yourself every hour, count your fingers….
This all has meaning actually, I can understand why they use this formula approach filmically to do this.
Today for the first time in my life, I am truly alive, I’ve been crying alot today as I know now how numb and out of body I was. my husband asked me what it felt like, and I said:
It’s like not having to think about breathing, I can let out a big sigh, and not have to conciously remember to breathe. It’s like my autonomic system, was dead, and I had to conciously think about breathing. Today for the first time in my life, doing a poo, was like grasping a meatball patty with piano like fingers rolling it out my rectum. I have NEVER FELT THIS before. THAT was peristalsis restored to my gut, through an organ wrapped around my rectal passage called the OMENTUM. My OMENTUM is scarred, dotted with seeds of calcium, balled up into pearls called ameliosis. It is these pearls that are dissolving in my omentum, the second brain. the connective apron of fatty kale-like curly membranes and autonimic nerve tissue that works independently from our brains. My emotions have been severed from my brain, invisible via my scarred omentum full of pearls.
I will dig up the x-ray and post.
I did a handstand against the wall just now and Keith said he SAW my psoas muscles FLUTTER in my abdomen. he didn’t use those words, but he saw me naked, flip up into a handstand, and he SAW the fluttering muscles of my core accessed for the first time in my life. They flashed so fast and hard I buckled down in a stabby cramp. Too early to do handstands and command these muscles yet, they have just woken up, and are uncontrollable, I can feel them now, but I need to learn to control their flutter. Engage them with smooth control, instead of fiery impulse like a jerky toddler.
I am recovered from his earlier assault on my senses. The fight and attack he put up. He overhears my conversations - and gets offended at my own thinking patterns, like I look down on him. So this is how sensitive a narc is, anything I say, in his world, under this roof, as his wife, is a reflection of him. not as my own world.
I have seen this reaction, in K. Here. and in the group. This reaction is visceral in me, it’s rushing and confusing, I feel their anger directed at me. And I am just… bleh. oh. another one. another fucking victim.
I realised after this fight with my husband, that I triggered his reactive abuse, twice. Once in the car, doing my thing, after the woman did her thing. And once at the dinner table, earlier today, when he said I have no respect, and started to attack me again. Reactive abuse - he was the one that brought up the judgement, the irony of disrespecting the woman, the immplecation of being a peado he felt from filming me….
LOL Sooooo I think he has a trigger, 1/ to learning, if he thinks I come from any physical place ABOVE HIM, that’s offensive to him. 2/ HE WAS TRIGGERED about a memory, implying he was a peado??? DAMN. I know now that he is similar to B in more ways that he knows. That would really piss him off, so I won’t tell him, I can’t, I am dealing with his shadow, and he does not know his shadow yet.
FUCK.
That’s what I’m dealing with. I think, he was psycho sexually abused by HIS MOTHER, and instead of sexualizing his shame like B did, something different happened in Keith.
Why is this important? well, first of all, my shadow was pulled to his, as his was to mine. my pattern is to repeat, and end up with an evolved version of the previous abuser.
Sooooo. Thats what he is. And he doesn’t know it. And he won’t apologize for it. And he MIGHT be able to grow. It still MIGHT be posible for him to meet me in the middle as a 3D thinker. If I want him to, andif he wants to.
well, for me, I just want others to heal, I want to complete my mental models of mind theory. I have seen it, visually, viscerally, and if I can show people their shape, their blind spaces, they will know where they can more efficiently focus energies to grow, with or without others. It doesn’t matter. You can grow alone, you can grow better with others.
I have been searching for a place to bleed, with others who have a similar shape of mind to mine. but, wow, I did not expect to bump into 4D 5D thinkers, and I am so impressed, I want to reveal their world - to the world. It is possible to exist in other layers of quantum thinking models, this is not “meta ” thinking, but “meta meta” this is an integration upon integration of thinking model, that becomes more complex with each differential. This is physics. Literaly. The laws of physics DO NOT CHANGE, they evolve. there are 6 known forces, tht have an effect on different scales, but even when zoomed out follow sacred geometry, the visual expression of math and quantum math.
Those are the shapes I feel in my mind, rippling and filling my blank mind. My integration paths of emotions, are hijacked to see this instead, because trauma threw me out of my physical body, into the world where things cannot exist except in theory, like the pyramid standing on it’s peak.