Revisited Billy Goat A for a 2nd try this morning… Was trying to wake up 7am-ish to get an early start of the day and avoid the crazy heat.. but ended up being more 8ish and getting there around 9ish…
Did better than last week Wed… though towards the end my legs felt a bit more rubbery, and I had a mini slip.. temps were decent in the morning, though did get a bit humid towards the end…
Saw some kids at one point, and they were leaping rather effortlessly and enthusiastically from rock to rock… that’s something I’m out of shape and lacking currently. My footing is better than last week, but it’s also very foot heavy, possibly good for stability but not so good when leaping and balancing during rock scrambling.
Wasn’t sure what to do after, so ended up back at Tysons 2 food court for pizza and beer lunch promo… This place is still fairly empty and chill… and a bit more open space vs. corner bakery cafe…
Hiking around big rocks of all shapes with edges and what not… that requires a bit of practice and physical care. But it’s more so survival instincts that kick in. That trail has so many places where if you fall or slip, you could get a decent bruise or injury. or maybe I’m still out of practice and out of shape that I notice the potential dangers more?
Anyway… lots of things that I could catch up with.. but I also might want to keep this brief or not?? we’ll see…
Still digesting the new CDC suggestions of masking for everyone.. though it’s more for areas with high delta cases…. DC metro area is clear from that.. but there’s supposedly research that’s saying vaccination helps with prevention of spreading Alpha variant, but not so much with Delta… and then I got J&J, and there’s talk of that having lesser effect and some people seeking 2nd vaccination from other states…
They were saying that come fall, covid messyness could come back with mutation varients… so guess that’s starting to happen…
re: BPD fragility…
got some more reflections post-saturday… and one thing I overlooked was weaponized trauma…. or a variation of ODV ostentatious displays of vulnerability…. it’s sort of like a form of vulnerability chicken, with most fragile victim leading the argument… and codependents are so good at caving under any threat of emotional exposure, intensity, or chaos…
Though this was a different type of triggering.. it’s a triggering of easing off… not holding other’s accountable.. not pushing more.. not challenging… (this also happened multiple times in BPD Mark pt2 - I relistened to that this morning, Brad, Brenda, Adria specifically stated something along the lines of not digging further because they were considerate of Mark’s inability or discomfort to answer)
reminded me of Richard Grannon Live pt1… that was specifically brought up at the end of this clip:
Exposure Therapy, Intent & Don’t Let yourself off the Hook
2m38s
D- I’ll make an argument that codependents hang out with other co-dependents who constantly let people off the hook
RG- yeah and we let ourselves off the hoook
codependency probably, I suspect comes from being parentified as a child
which means you’ve experienced some emotional incest probably from a parent with quite highly narcissistic traits
where they forced you to act in a role that wasn’t appropriate for a child
where you basically became their parents or their confidant
which means that your modality from childhood for interacting with others is self sacrificing
it’s rooted in role-playing which makes it very difficult as an adult to form authentic bonds with people
because you never show up, you’re never being you, you’re never vulnerable
D- you’re fake, you’re trained, whatever, you’re annoying.
RG - so that’s something that everybody has to seek to overcome in their own way
I think Grannon is being a bit too abstract in his answer here…. I’d argue that it’s about accountability…. a subset or higher level of response-ability….
Modern culture and westerners have somehow turned story and intention as higher value than actual behavior??!?!
If one is good with verbal skills or imagination, the can cry victim of trauma or blame shift; and that’s too often taken as an excuse for bad behavior… WTF???
I suspect that if codependents don’t hold themselves accountable to behavior standards… then that opens the door to letting abusers off the hook…. because that’s partially what happened with bpd Mark… people felt sorry for him, and eased their aggression… or just fucking gave up…
I’m not advocating to go for the kill and just destroy a person maliciously. But if you’re sensing weakness and an opening.. that’s the time to strike while the iron is hot… that’s the OPENING… that’s the opportunity….
Now after you open and expose some deeper truths…. if they’re now drowning and dysregulating… maybe then that’s the time to start easing off a little bit… But why did people back off or give up too early???
And on relistening to BPD Mark.. he’s throwing pretty much anybody and everyone under the bus to protect his healed and now blameless position….. so if he finds an opening that can save his face, he’s totally willing to exploit, blame, and shame anyone else….
So why be nice to someone who’s not gonna honor that same level of respect back??
But….. I think it might be simply due to not having personal discipline for oneself…. that might also be why people have a poor relationship with self… both their inner critic and inner manager parts are super mean to each other and to the inner child…. and that willful judgment and meanness is what keeps the inner world in order… but when the system is stressed and overwhelmed, then bad behavior happens… and there’s no energy to build discipline to slowly condition proper behavior under stress….
So… codependents see themselves act out when overwhelmed and stressed… and let themselves off the hook…. and therefore do the same when they sense abusers are overwhelmed…. BUT then abusers sorta know this playbook or weakpoint of codependents, and they’ll use anger/rage or victim plea to not be responsible and get away with stuff… or not answering questions…
oh…. and I was reviewing the BPD vs Fragile NPD thread.. and this comparison matches post sat meeting feelings:
Deef
NPD leaves you feeling invisible… and is really good at blame, and treating you and the rest of the world as an object. Their defense is like a narrow sheet of glass that they have to constantly adjust so you don’t see it’s flatness, and they know it’s fragile so they’re anxious and paranoid keeping it up.
BPD leaves you feeling hyper-exposed, vulnerable and shame sensitive… they’re good at amplifying your feelings around lack of social belonging.. and everything is subjective to levels of confusion, you can’t pin them down on any point, they’re like blobs that envelop you. Both them and you get lost in that fog, but they leave happier because they offload their shame onto others.
oh.. and I also relistened Vaknin’s twin flame video while hiking:
2m34s
how does the twin flame gain so much power over you?
they all possess cold empathy, the ability to scan you and to immediately spot your vulnerabilities
he then proceeds to idealize you, he evokes and provokes and elicits self-infatuation
you would enter actually a carnival hall of mirrors and who do you see in these mirrors, you a thousand you it’s addictive
The positive side of verbal evisceration, language skills to evoke vulnerability, and positions are always shifting like hall of mirrors.
he’s the only one who can amplify you, magnify you, enhance you, improve you.
this is the only one with the key to the kingdom of heaven and so you enter willingly into the hall of mirrors
and once you had taken the first step you’re caught in a shared fantasy
CRBLEE (Consistent Realistic Balance Loving Emotional Engagement) = shared fantasy heaven
he actually acts as a benign and benevolent parent, the parent you never had it’s a fake parental figure
it’s idealized, it’s perfect, it never rejects you, it never pushes you away, it’s always there
too much even there’s an element of stalking
and the twin flame reaches into you, reaches inside you and co-opts this internal parent
the second thing the twin flame does
he becomes your false self, yes you’re idealized, you are now drop dead gorgeous, hyper intelligent,
amazing unprecedented, the love of his life
you made him do thing,s you made him feel things he’s never felt before, et cetera
and this constant brainwashing and propaganda
they actually create in you a false self a locus of grandiosity
and so you introject the twin flame both as a parental figure and as a false self
so now the twin flame regresses you, pushes you back to early childhood to the period before
you’re separated and individuated
he pushes you to an infantile state of total dependence, you find yourself a baby
you become in a way merged with him, fused with him, you’re not separate from him,
you’re no longer an individual
ok… could go further… but this area has been invaded by a couple different groups… I’ll have to decide whether to transfer to new location.. or head home to beat rush hour traffic.. or just hang out until after?
