Newbie that’s weird I only just got the notification for your reply from like 3rd November. I don’t even remember what we were talking about.
The main gist of my experience with therapy was to try and untangle the “bad feelings” and just feel comfortable again.
And by “bad feelings” I didn’t know what I was feeling other than, “everyone must dislike me because they make me uncomfortable all the time and I’m awkward and am afraid of annoying people for doing some shit I don’t even know I’m doing” - basically, nothing I ever did in life seems to go easy or feel right or comfortable or whatever.
I didn’t choose my therapist - it was something I got roped into by my husband and resented it. I thought that everyone in the room was a bunch of whiney arseholes who I didn’t like who were concerned with stupid problems that didn’t even register on my scale of discomfort. As a result I spent 3 years in therapy afraid of speaking up and belittling anyone with their “pathetic” problems because I felt that my discomfort was so much more underrated than theirs, yet I was too coward to speak up.
In moments where I did speak up, I got heat from other members and the therapist which made me shut up even more. I never understood therapy but soon grew to resent $300 a month wasting solid weekend marathons and once weekly evenings listening to people whine.
The therapist was nice enough but I felt he was off on looking after himself and it made me suspicious how this guy was supposed to be guiding us. It felt like he was slapping us in the face for fun, and even though it was wryly funny, I felt like an idiot the whole time. But I was right. He was I’ll and I didn’t know how to point it out. The very last day I saw him, he sweat like crazy and looked really pale. He died 6 weeks later.
And all I could feel was relief to not have to go to therapy again. But our marraige declined after that as I knew my husband had been going for decades before me and now - we were at a stalemate.
I honestly didn’t know what therapy was for, and now in hindsight, that was because I was culturally alien to the whole idea of talking shit out.
In my family there was always a whole bunch of shame and you never talked about yourself. As a result, therapy is where I went to listen to people talk about themselves and get shit on, or try to talk about myself and get shit on. And as a result all I wanted to do was go outside, anywhere and talk about myself - a - lot. Wherever I didn’t get shit on.
I never really learned the skills of listening. I only learned how to get shit on, and avoid getting shit on.
But I don’t think that’s what therapy is about.
I THINK I could have used it if I knew what the fuck it was supposed to be about. Like figuring out moments where you feel discomfort - and just getting to the root of it without fucking shame.
But my therapist had no clue about my background even though he tried, and I didn’t know how to make the right effort. Therefore, it was a waste of time. Maybe I needed privates and not group. Maybe I needed couples therapy with my husband. Al I know is, I was very resentful about three years that got me nowhere and a husband who had been to the same guy for decades - yet somehow - couldn’t read me or help me or actually give me enough space to be comfortable around MY OWN HUSBAND.
So, I resented the therapist for decades of failure with my husband, and I resented my husband for theoretically taking me there to improve our communication but effectively shutting me down.
Culture clash. Insensitivity. The whole thing just pissed me right off.
7 years later and a nervous breakdown. I find this space. I’ve done more unraveling here honestly in sorta in the open. Than ever. And as a result, accepted I am at fault for a lot of my own discomfort. My therapist couldn’t get me there because he was inadvertently not sensitive to my culture. And was unaware how triggered I was in that fucking room.
Maybe I should give him some credit I don’t know, but knowing what I know now in less than a year on an open forum, pisses me right off about therapy. I think I still need therapy now. But I think I’d be a right bitch picking the right person.
I don’t want someone to listen. I want someone to challenge my thinking patterns, identify my goto thinking patterns, offer me alternatives and dig as to what may have caused them and offer ideas to persevere and experiment with new ways of thinking.
I have now come to the conclusion therapy is an ongoing life course. But we don’t have elders to guide us anymore.
To be honest I really believe I was the cause of a lot of my own discomfort. And I’m working with that now. I’m sorta convinced I’m a bit - dis-empathetic with people. And look down on people a lot. Which isn’t great for my aging future. So I am working on that. Unfortunately I do like being on my own a lot - so people are just draining to me unless it’s purely business. LOL.
