Newbie random comments space

Newbie

Bradford I was commenting about one of the videos in this thread. I haven’t watched/listened to everything here yet. I haven’t been on here that long and that’s a lot of content. And to answer your question, yeah. I care. Unfortunately.

Bradford

Bradford Does it bother you that others find it almost impossible to understand what you are talking about, what point you are making or that it’s mentally and emotionally exhausting reading your comments?

Newbie yeah. I care. Unfortunately.

I asked if it bothered you. You replied that you "kind of"cared (yeah) and then you replied that you didnt want to (basically).

You didnt address anything about being “impossible to understand” and that I was “emotionally exhausted”

This tells me that you dont care about how people are receiving your comments and that you are just dumping all of your stuff on to the forum with some expectation on us to do all the work such as reassembling it into something that we can understand.

This is like trying to solve a mystery which keeps people focussed on you and your stuff but never resolves. You dont really want resolution, you just want the mystery and the story.

You can easily write over 500 words or more about your stuff, but when it comes to some reflection or being on the receiving end, there are 4 words in response.

If you dont care - why should we?

Deef

Newbie Feeling you need to respond to everyone very quickly no matter what?

I wonder if this is a strong impulse and pattern for you?

It seems to resonate with my observation of your posting pattern here…

So does that mean you deprioritize actual communication?? How much do you consider your audience? Do you put any energy towards building a bridge of shared language, topic, interest with who you’re talking to?

Or do you expect others to stay primarily and ONLY within what’s going on in your head?

Another pattern that I’m noticing is that you play innocent and lost. But I sense there is an agenda behind your responses. Do you want us to stand in for some past abuser or partner in one of your emotional flashbacks???

I fell into that trap with my ex-gf multiple times, but she didn’t share enough details of her past traumas, so it was basically guaranteed that I could never respond to help her reach catharsis… Repetition compulsion was essentially guaranteed.. The unconscious mind is so clever….

….
btw…. some of your comments in other threads I might delete or move here or somewhere else… as they’re off topic and adding more noise and distraction…. I feel somewhat responsible for the forum and particular threads… that they stay on topic and are easy for a 3rd party to comprehend and follow….

Deef

Deef
Newbie Feeling you need to respond to everyone very quickly no matter what?

I will be posting Newbie’s email replies to 2 posts that fit this pattern…. more to have a nice case study and record all in one place…

I wonder if this need to respond is simply a very strong repeating introject pattern from early childhood abuse…. it kept her alive back then, but now it’s keeping the emotional flashback alive…. like a living zombie.. tsk tsk..

Newbie

email reply transferred to this post with her name and approximate same time stamp

Bradford

You shouldn’t care. I didn’t even mean you should. And I’m glad your so confident in your judgment of human behaviors, especially online I imagine that’s tough. Although you’re off. Don’t hate me for telling you. I don’t want anyone to do anything for me or make everything better like magic. That has never been how anything has happened in my life nor what I have ever expected. I genuinely didn’t mean to bother anyone. I never refused to answer a question etc so idk what I was supposed to share without over sharing. I didn’t try to make everything about me at all. I’m sorry I made anyone feel that way.

So no. No one should care or owes anything to me to care and no one should bother.

Bradford

Bradford If you dont care - why should we?

Newbie You shouldn’t care. I didn’t even mean you should.

This is the only thing that you have focussed on - you have dismissed or blocked everything else in my comment to you about caring about how you are perceived and how challenging it is for others.

Newbie And I’m glad your so confident in your judgment of human behaviors, especially online I imagine that’s tough. Although you’re off.

So, you have taken a swipe at me and told me that Im “off” (wrong) and to shut up basically which I suspect is because I challenged your narrative. The rest of this is just you saying what a nice person you are and a victim plea and “innocent and lost”. You seem to be constantly needing to tell people how nice you are.

Newbie Don’t hate me for telling you. I don’t want anyone to do anything for me or make everything better like magic. That has never been how anything has happened in my life nor what I have ever expected. I genuinely didn’t mean to bother anyone. I never refused to answer a question etc so idk what I was supposed to share without over sharing. I didn’t try to make everything about me at all. I’m sorry I made anyone feel that way.

So no. No one should care or owes anything to me to care and no one should bother.

You never answer a direct question rather you focus on 1 aspect only providing it works with your narrative that @Deef pointed out earlier “innocent and lost”. Everything else is dismissed, ignored or blocked.

You dont seem to be able to absorb any information that is offered or any feedback. This makes 2 way communication almost impossible because you are always running the narrative and not absorbing anything except how it works from that perspective.

Im attempting to unpack this one last time;

I asked you if it bothered you how you were received, you said that you didnt really care. You also said that I shouldn’t care either but that I am wrong and to shut up and thats OK because you are a super nice person and a victim.

There is not much to work with here - and that actually fits with your narrative which also has “no one understands me” in it as well as “innocent and lost”.

Newbie

original reply via email, Deef has transferred a copy here and changed username to Newbie to match

I’m not trying to go off topic or even bring any conversation to be about me or “what’s going on in my head” it’s ok if you want to delete my comments I won’t post anymore and spam the threads.
I really don’t have any agenda. I have just been desperately confused and idk I thought I guess maybe somehow your discussions could help me make sense of any it.
And no I don’t feel a compulsion to respond to everything. I am just stupid and I need to learn to shut up.
And no I really don’t deprioritize “actual communication” at all.
Normally if anything I’m way too direct and clear. And I shouldn’t have been and that’s probably what got me in trouble in the first place.
As far as the ‘audience’ I don’t know anyone here.
I was trying to ask questions, even that didn’t have anything to do with me.
You say that you think I must be this really socially unaware person in life. But I’m really not. And I’m not offended by it at all.
But I’m not as stupid as I guess I must seem. Or manipulative, at all.
And no I’m not innocent and I never tried to paint myself to seem like it. Lost, yes. About some things. Which is why I was asking questions like I said.
I’m not trying to cause confusion at all. I just really was trying to understand.
I need to just let it go and stop trying. I’m tired in my soul.
I have worked a long time on myself to overcome horrible things and I did and it wasn’t easy and it didn’t “feel good” or anything at all.
I started following Richard and doing his work after some other stuff happened that I told you about though.
It’s just st so much has happened in the last 2 years I almost can’t even believe it.
But I never meant to be annoying or frustrating etc. I’m just such an idiot sometimes.
So if I seem like I’m trying to sound innocent, I’m not, I’m just a dumbass sometimes.
It’s shameful how naive I have been really.
And it’s not because I have lived some sheltered life or never had to deal with anything.
That couldn’t be further from the truth actually.
I already have made someone angry with me just speaking online and I wasn’t even trying to at all.
It makes me scared to just speak openly about it even now. And I know that must sound stupid or irrational etc.
I get it. Really I do. But no, I didn’t come here to try and find anyone to be mean to me or to bother anyone at all.
I get that you guys are discussing psychology and mental health and disorders etc. But I’m not trying to pretend or mislead anyone at all.
I’m one of the most transparent people you could probably ever meet. If you actually knew me you wouldn’t even wonder.
But it’s the internet and you don’t know me so I get it.
You don’t have to waste your time trying to figure out anything about me I guess is all I can tell you. Im not trying to hurt or upset anyone.
I’m sorry for spamming your forum. (And that’s not sarcasm) because this is text and we’re strangers and some things don’t translate.

instead now I’ll spam your email? (that’s how I translate her behavior)

Newbie

more replies via email instead of the forum

I wasn’t deleting anything to hide what I said…you literally told me I was rambling and no one could understand me and it was frustrating everyone!
so I tried to take down anything I said where I was talking too much. Honestly I have no idea what you want or expect me to do or say, or NOT do or Not say. I don’t know how to person anymore apparently. And I really am genuinely sorry if I upset anyone. I wasn’t trying to dump or upset anyone or anything else. You say “we don’t exist” Are you the speaker I guess for everyone in the forum? Or is that just how you coral people to agree with you, or dislike someone? I genuinely did not mean or want to upset anyone AT ALL. I’m sorry I upset anyone because I’m letting my hot mess spill into your space. And no that’s not sarcasm.
I didn’t count how many words that was. I hope it’s 500 for you though & I hope I was able to maybe amuse someone while I was the lab rat for the day. This must be the little sad baby in me whining to the group now? It must be for attention. I guess you were right. Congratulations!
What happens next?
Do you predict what childhood trauma must have fucked my brain over?
This was fun.
Are you guys “the panel”? I would say jk but at this point who knows. Whatever I did to be punished I am sorry for. You have no idea how sorry to have made anyone hate me or whatever (I don’t even know)
For your records: I am crazy and unstable. I guess…my response must indicate that right? Getting wild over here….I wish I could tell you I hear voices or see things or something more exciting. Does that happen later after I’ve been crazy longer?
I am genuinely, from the bottom of my soul sorry for missing any kind of communication anyone was giving me. You will Never have any idea.
I’m sorry I didn’t understand so I could respond better or ask questions clearly without upsetting anyone.
And no that’s not me “blaming you for anything I’ve done” or it is, idk. Whatever you want it to be I guess. I hope this helps…

Bradford

Newbie I didn’t count how many words that was. I hope it’s 500 for you though

582

Newbie

more email replies to forum reply notifications

But that’s not what I said at all. I said I did care about how other people feel about me and then I said it was unfortunate. God help me if I’m so stupid I can’t even speak to anyone without being so offensive then I am really a hopeless soul. And yes I have taken feedback and I take it pretty well even if it’s negative. You were mean. And no matter how I responded I guess you would find some way to dissect it and turn it around.
I genuinely did not realize this was some kind of mental gymnastics I was trying to jump hurdles for. So forgive my savage behavior. I am a heathen.

The thing is I really didn’t have any narrative. I’ve never been more depressed or confused in my goddamn life and I was just trying to help unscramble my brain a little and not be such a lunatic. Which I said, openly. I didn’t lie about anything. Idk what a good little human is supposed to do to respond so I am sorry I am not that. I genuinely thought I was at least a decent human being.

Deef

Newbie confused in my goddamn life and I was just trying to help unscramble my brain a little

This feels like some variation of displacement defense mechanism.

A lot of Reaction formation ?

Reaction Formation: Cognizant practices are embraced to overcompensate for the nervousness an individual feels in regards to their socially inadmissible oblivious considerations or feelings. Typically, a response arrangement is set apart by misrepresented conduct, like garishness and urgency. An illustration of reaction formation incorporates the loyal little girl who adores her mom is responding to her Oedipus scorn of her mom.

and aggressive displacement is less recognized

The aggressive drive – known as mortido – may be displaced quite as much as the libidinal - the sex drive. Business or athletic competition, or hunting, for instance, offer plentiful opportunities for the expression of displaced mortido.

In such scapegoating behavior, aggression may be displaced onto people with little or no connection with what is causing anger or frustration. Some people punch cushions when they are angry at friends; a college student may snap at his or her roommate when upset about an exam grade.

Displacement can also act in what looks like a ‘chain-reaction,’ with people unwittingly becoming both victims and perpetrators of displacement. For example, a man is angry with his boss, but he cannot express this properly, so he hits his wife. The wife, in turn, hits one of the children, possibly disguising this as a “punishment.” (rationalization)

This musical chair style of scapegoating …. was illustrated perfectly in How I Met your Mother’s Chain of Screaming

1m07s

Though…. aggressive displacement feels a bit too direct for this case, maybe it’s more neuroticism first, with latent aggression underneath? Now we’re diving into territory of transference?

The displacement of feelings and attitudes from past significant others onto the present-day analyst constitutes a central aspect of the transference, particularly in the case of the neurotic.

As of now encoded in subcortical neural pathways, material from our oblivious brain is pushed into our cognizant psyche as we attempt to manage mental wonders – typically agonizing – that we are encountering. With the “help” of mind movement, we unknowingly re-surface and re-order struggle ridden encounters as though the past were the present and one setting were another. We move contemplations, sentiments, and perspectives, particularly about individuals who take after others. We allocate them jobs once played by others. We take on old jobs ourselves. All unwittingly.

A more psychoanalytic way of describing emotional flashbacks and repetition compulsion?

quotes sourced from wikipedia - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Displacement_(psychology)

steveoscar

Newbie

When you try meditation or mindfulness does it work or do you feel dissociated.
What is your Name? Where are you from ?

Deef

I’m guessing that maybe we’re responding from our past frustrations with cluster B dramatic personality disorders, but maybe Newbie is more Cluster A, Odd & Eccentric??

Cluster A personality disorders are often associated with schizophrenia: in particular, schizotypal personality disorder shares some of its hallmark symptoms with schizophrenia, e.g., acute discomfort in close relationships, cognitive or perceptual distortions, and eccentricities of behavior. However, people diagnosed with odd-eccentric personality disorders tend to have a greater grasp on reality than those with schizophrenia. Patients suffering from these disorders can be paranoid and have difficulty being understood by others, as they often have odd or eccentric modes of speaking and an unwillingness and inability to form and maintain close relationships. Though their perceptions may be unusual, these anomalies are distinguished from delusions or hallucinations as people suffering from these would be diagnosed with other conditions.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder#Cluster_A_(odd_or_eccentric_disorders)

In the DSM-5, schizotypal personality disorder is defined as a “pervasive pattern of social and interpersonal deficits marked by acute discomfort with, and reduced capacity for, close relationships as well as by cognitive or perceptual distortions and eccentricities of behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.”
At least five of the following symptoms must be present:

ideas of reference

strange beliefs or magical thinking that influences behavior and is inconsistent with subcultural norms (e.g., superstitiousness, belief in clairvoyance, telepathy, or “sixth sense”, bizarre fantasies or preoccupations)

abnormal perceptual experiences, including bodily illusions

strange thinking and speech (e.g., vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, overelaborate, or stereotyped)

suspiciousness or paranoid ideation

inappropriate or constricted affect

strange behavior or appearance

lack of close friends

excessive social anxiety that does not diminish with familiarity and tends to be associated with paranoid fears rather than negative judgments about self
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypal_personality_disorder

1st person description 14m49s

Bradford

Deef ….which in the process totally blocks and rejects other’s feedback but also other’s attempts to try to build a bridge. This can come across as exhausting to me and others, and you also lace your communication with anxiety dumping. People generally don’t have much tolerance for anxiety dumping.

Deef It’s just people in person don’t tell you what how much of a chore it is to try to build a bridge with you.

Deef You don’t show any of your cards, but you fucking expect me and others to accept your personal interpretations at face value.

Deef They feel unheard and invisible when your feedback shows total lack of comprehension of other’s meaning. And it’s another invisible hit when your feedback reflects back personal apologies and explanations, of which you offer no coherent story to incentivize us to care or be entertained by your gigantic change in sandbox topic.

Deef it seems like you’re actively distorting what you’re reading.

Your words @Deef - my feelings. I can own this 100% but its still makes me angry and I know where its from.

I have a feeling of being invisible and not existing or relevant, but being expected to perform the role of empty vessel to accept a download of anxiety and distortions (gaslighting) when I read Newbies tomes or watch the Youtube clip above.

I feel angry and frustrated because of the expectation on me and the lack of any empathy for me or my existence as a seperate enitiy. There is an expectation of merging in order to understand and there is anger when that doesn’t happen. (The word count reference for example).

I feel like Im going to be lost in a maze forever because I am feeling the way she does all the time.

Deef I’m guessing that maybe we’re responding from our past frustrations with cluster B dramatic personality disorders,

These are the same feelings I get when I am around Cluster B’s (Covert/Shy/Fragile Narcissists and Quiet Borderlines more often because they tend to hide their symptoms better)

Onnaloves

Deef well I always knew I had at least 5 of those “traits” but being aware of them is better than not. Find a way to turn my own disorders into superpowers of imagination and construction.

Onnaloves

Phuck me. Noticed this was up to 80 or something, and I have NO IDEA what anyones talking about.
I left the convo early on because I didn’t give a damn. You were boring me. I was THAT BORED.
Jump in because the thread count is up there and I’m like… what is there to talk about exactly?
I scan through and see a bunch of bullshit apologies:
But these are not apologies.
People say SORRY to make THEMSELVES feel better. If you say SORRY to anyone, the only person in the room that feels good is you.
I generally don’t accept apologies of this nature because they are just surface virtue.
I have literally NO IDEA what this thread is about other than a big wind up for attention.

Bradford

Onnaloves This is a VERY triggering thread because it’s a thread about nothing.

Newbie has been able to get us to feel what it’s like to be her. She has written thousands of words and said nothing but has successfully transferred her anxiety and neurosis to the readers of her posts. Thats quite a feat.

There is a LOT of learning in this.

Onnaloves

Bradford it’s kinda reminiscent of convos I have with my daughter, that she tries to suck me into using the sorry thing and when I call her out on the bullshit there’s a tantrum. Draining dynamic honestly but I hate this beating around the Bush nonsense.

Newbie

Bradford yeah I’m really talented that way apparently. Thanks. And no, I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. Neurosis is a b**ch right.

Newbie

Onnaloves I’d really love to know what the bush even is. I’m not trying to play games. I feel dead inside. So if anyone thinks I feel any gratification from upsetting anyone, don’t worry. I definitely don’t. I was only ever trying to understand what I even got myself into or how or how to never let it happen again. I don’t care about attention or anything whatever it is anyone thinks I’m trying to do. I’ve been honest since I came here. There’s no ulterior motive. No one has to believe me. Im not mad at anyone and I’m not throwing a fit or anything else whether anyone believes me or not. I barely want to be alive at this point Lmao and no that’s not a suicide threat or for attention or whatever other manipulative motive I can’t even think of to defend myself against before you accuse me of it.
I’m sorry for whatever I did to upset or make anyone angry or feel like I was trying to do anything to bother them or disrupt anything.

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