God damn…. I still fell for her trap, playing in her sandbox…. she’s good…
I’m a bit rusty dealing with Aggressive Decency - Newbie is appearing more BPD than odd/anxious cluster A now… and this is more reliable, as she’s likely more triggered in the YT comments, so that should be closer to her core self.. (or non self)..
Borderline Anticipates Rejection, then destroys the object through ‘Aggressive Decency’ 1m33s
the borderline is primarily concerned with destroying the object through aggressive decency
if you’re more of a borderline you’re likely gradually to become aggressive
and the relationship will become more and more conflict-laden
it will involve approach avoidance with a lot of tension & dissonance
you will retreat into your mind
you will preemptively reject the object
you will decompensate
Arguing over realities is a lost cause, and if favors the liar… as they have the upper hand of making shit up.. I thought youtube and public record would give me an edge, but if she’s stonewalling with denial…. that works…
I have to get her to jump and take the bait into my sandbox… or find a neutral territory sandbox.. otherwise, she wins.. by sucking my attention… by being a parasite… and getting me to act out through endless slander…
Looking up Sam Vaknin’s source Jeffrey Seinfeld author of The Empty Core and The Bad Object
led to these excerpts:
The patient activates the all-bad self-object unit to defend against internalization of the positive self and object unit. The insatiable need serves the antidependent defense.
By making her need for contact with the external object insatiable, the patient can perceive of herself as rejected regardless of the external object’s behavior. Therefore, the patient is always able to think of her needs as being unmet, to think of herself as rejected and of the object as rejecting.
Anti-dependent position: “If I don’t think you like me, why should I bother to like you?”
This is the guts of counter-dependence… this is why she and other BPD’s are totally convinced why they’re an innocent helpless and blameless victim… there’s absolutely and totally no effort or energy placed in seeing any potential positive in the other person…. that’s blocked (counter-ed) automatically… and a defensive posture for being rejected is projected onto the other, with a shit-test that is impossible for any human being ever to pass…
What Seinfeld worked on in therapy is developing the insight into how one sabotages oneself, which allows one to start making more constructive and adaptive choices instead.
Attachments to bad objects from the past are like relationship-templates that one replays over and over in the present “perpetuating the past in the present”, even though one doesn’t have to keep doing so. A person needs to identify how they are replaying bad relationships in the present, and treating themselves in the way that their parents did, to begin realizing how their behavior could change.
This is reliving an emotional flashback constantly.. but with added layer of projecting it upon us and others to replay the bad object characters from her past…
Seinfeld notes how Kim eventually became aware that she continually maintained a negative pattern of thinking and expectation about others, even when nothing happened in the outside world to justify such thinking. Seinfeld commented to her that such dwelling on negativity might occur because it felt safer to Kim to feel rejected than to feel accepted.
… it’s generally common consideration to respond in somewhat like kind to the other person. Denying the other person’s communication is quite rude, and even more dismissive when done constantly. But it’s a good hook, it triggers resentment and a need to correct or push back against the blanket denial…
But…. if she’s using a denial stonewall.. then I’m now allowed to deny everything she’s saying, and just jump to totally different sandboxes… right now I’m trying 3rd party sandbox…. though I could also just flip and repeat attacks that have bothered her in the past…. and keep slinging things until something gets through her defenses…
I could break down the gigantic amazing contradictions.. and cognitive dissonance in that masterful paragraph…. but sheesh… it’s just beautiful mindfuckery chaos…. time jumps.. distortions… nested judgments and shaming… denials upon denials….
I have more compassion for people who have been in relationships with this type of crazy….. I can better feel how mentally destabilizing it would be to be under this level of reality shattering gaslighting on a somewhat regular basis…. wow…..
……..
add on… nahh.. she is counter-dependent.. but that can also still fit cluster A… if she was full BPD she would’ve reacted more to the emotional intensity or judgements… instead it just sorta bounces off the denial stonewall…
a BPD might deny but they typically need to over-write it with some monologue… or counter by helping me with projected suggestions like 77ranko…
She just denies, then slander/gaslights right back… and she’s not just gaslighting me… she’s self gaslighting, or just constantly in her own delusion… or trapped with the bad object… it is dramatic like with it’s intensity, but doesn’t have that abandonment terror and fixation of a BPD…
