[Map] EMPATHY as a SUPERPOWER to Master (Advanced Emotional Literacy)

Deef

Covered in zoom meetings: Art of Empathy 3/16 & 3/21, Vulnerability 3/28, 4/18, 4/25

Basic Definitions

Old Road - Amygdala Hijack leads to emotional triangle of The Pity Circle:

50 second overview of the pity circle trap

Alternative Path of Empathic Mastery
5m23s

Visual:

Hierarchy of Empathic skills, foundation is Emotional Literacy & Self-Awareness

Description of skills from Karla McLaren’s model

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Zoom meetings exploring all aspects of emotions, empathy, and communication/negotiation:

3/16/20 Art of Empathy - Myths, limits & misconceptions; ANS, egocentric blindspot (Fear, confusion, safety)
2hr14m

3/21/20 Art of Empathy 2 - Pity Circle & Empathic Mastery Mega Map (Awe, awareness, pragmatic)
3hr06m

5/2/20 Tactical Apathy: FREEZE dynamics (invisible, mirror, label)
2hr18m

7/11/20 Navigating PANXIETY
1hr45m

…….
Sat 7/24/21 - in person meetup - visual & video clip shared:

4m18s

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3 Levels of Empathy

Nuances of Empathy

Emotional Maps

My breakdown of 6 core emotions linked to needs, skills and virtues

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Translating the language of emotions, what are the unmet needs or actions that need to be done underlying the emotions??

From Karla McLaren’s work - Dynamic Emotional Integration

1 page version

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Therapy in a Nutshell just released a quite good, mostly accurate and precise breakdown in similar territory of Karla McLaren’s Language of Emotions, and she offers warning of excess focus on coping skills.

Very good argument and presentation..

20min

Part of a 30 video series and course titled “How to Process your Emotions”
15min

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Recent breakdown of the 3 core emotions: I’m Mad, Sad and Scared.
with development of disgust, shame and awe as one gets older.

18m53

Visual used

My link of 3 goals of mindfulness also link to 3 core emotions

3 core emotions matches the Zones of Regulation model

or emoji flavors

or it could also be linked to head (fear), heart (sadness), and gut (anger).

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Deep Dive into Brené Brown’s Atlas of Emotions book & HBO Max series, along with discovery of her being a vulnerability bully?!

Is Brené Brown a wounded healer bully?? Case study pt1 excerpt 4m32s

4/21/22 Brené Brown & Atlas of the Heart Case study ‘Armored with language’ 1h29m

5/5/22 The Missing Secret to Boundaries? Integrating Hate - Brené Brown Case study pt2 1h07m

5/19/22 CONSIDERATION & Fairness Emotions: Envy/Admiration vs Hubris - Brené Brown Case study pt3 1h58m

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6/16 Common SCRIPTS used by Cry BULLIES ‘Empaths’ 1h38m

6/30 The EMPATHY HOAX! it’s often Imposed SHAME! The opposite! 1m27m

7/9 Self Respect vs Pitiful Whining - Anger/Shame/Hatred pt2 1h09m

ICS

Deef

Oh I have a question, but I struggle to find the right words…. but I will try.
Is it possible that one has some “immage” of his or her “ideal self”….but in fact it is just a “part” of “ought self”?

I ask it because I think that this was my own case.

At one side in, those days that I still lived in my family of origin, I did what I could, and believed it was okay to do it, serving other people’s needs. In the same time I wanted to achieve something for or of myself…..
That what I really wanted was never encouraged. I had to blablabla…or I would regret it later…the words of my mother.
In the process of finding some “blablabla” that she could give her approval for….Failure after failure brought me at a certain start of career. But a career with a lot of discontinuity. I did all I could to return to it….to keep the approval of my family. So the “ideal self” to keep striving for that career…each time interrupted by family needs was even a part of what my family wanted….It didn’t come from my soul.
The moment I realized it, I quit. The moment I quit…health issues came up…When health issues started…the process of healing started. And than peeling of the onion started. The deeper the layer…a lot of tears…Not the tears of victim…the tears of having betrayed myself….

Deef

ICS Is it possible that one has some “immage” of his or her “ideal self”….but in fact it is just a “part” of “ought self”?

Do theser visual add anything… ideal vs ought are two different flavors of self in self-discrepancy theory…

ICS

Deef

Thanks for adding some visuals.
I got confused by this Theory hadn’t encountered earlier.
I had to sleep over it more than one night. It is just another way to convey what Karla tries to tell us about emotions in relation to boundaries. How essential it is to feel emotions, know what they mean, learn how to be with or within that energy….as only from that positions you can actually get clarity…in what to do.
Being and doing…the eastern approach seem key in this process as well.

ICS

I watched the video about self respect, respect, esteem etc..

Yet again I feel confused.

There is this lady that says look at your childhood and see where you had remarkable skills.
She is pointing at a young age….

There is an example given about a person who did develop high artistic skills…
So he can derive his worth, prestige etc..from those skills.

Later on a video is shown about how children fail to spell properly and that it was told that they had to give shall I call it
positive feedback anyway.

And here is where I get confused.

The artistic person doesn’t derive his worth from being good at spelling words. He developed his artistic skills probably before he learned to write.
I now artists who can’t spell properly. I can’t spell properly. Today the spelling check on computers is what keeps it at bay.
I certainly never ever got positive feedback for not being capable to spell. At least not in languages where the european alphabet is used.
I was shamed for it…
I was good at math…yet the weigh of to spell correct was so high that year after year I found that I would never get access to study what I really loved. Up till today if I read anything on the topic of biology as really get it at once. I don’t have to read it ten times to remember what it was again…
But no way that one could go to high school or university to study Biology if you couldn’t spell 100% correct.
Back in those days there were no spelling checkers on pc laptop etc…like today.

So I had to go for other kind of studies and jobs where they consider spelling less important.
Read low payed jobs mainly jobs where your hands get dirty.

So the example of spelling really hurts…triggers an old wound.
“You are not worthy because you can’t spell”. That is the message that was given me. And do you think that this message ever helped me to become better at spelling? Nope.
It only helped me to feel “unworthy”.
I accomplished other things of course…But for some reason all those other things that I have accomplished were never enough to restore my self worth.
Because just like in your video up till today spelling is used to rule out who is worthy or who isn’t…even when we have spelling checkers today.
It makes me feel sad.

Cause when we have to look at remarkable skills that we had when we were 5….spelling was not one of them…..
To focus more on spelling than on content….is probably the best way to forget all of those remarkable skills. All your energy is wasted years into trying to spell correctly.
Oooh I still feel this frustration…I feel the pain on my chest.

My youngest sister did do it very well when it came to spelling.
She went to university and got her degree in German Philology.
And there was a moment when she said to me “let it go this suffering and obsessing with spelling”. Those who can spell actually only prove that they are better at conform with rules where there is no logic to be found.
Which is in some cases very dangerous if people are good at it…at conforming to rules where there is no logic and even a lot contradiction and exceptions…..
She has her degree…but guess what.
To her it doesn’t feels an accomplishment that boosts her self esteem…..

So that it is why all those things confuse me even more.
If the example is about spelling….it isn’t about what we were good at when were five? Right?
People have to be pushed down when they don’t spell well right?

Deef

ICS So he can derive his worth, prestige etc.. from those skills.

I think a core point in that self-esteem, self-respect video was about self-assessment that’s driven by personal passions, skills, talents, etc..

However everyone lives within a society that has a complex set of barriers and norms, putting more emphasis on certain skills or expressions. So it’s easy to get lost in other’s demands, standards, value, etc…

The idea is to not lose yourself in other’s esteem and image… but also not totally ignore those aspects of shared reality, and make some room for self assessment, ergo leading towards a sense of agency & autonomy..

ICS

Deef The idea is to not lose yourself in other’s esteem and image… but also not totally ignore those aspects of shared reality, and make some room for self assessment, ergo leading towards a sense of agency & autonomy..

It would be ideal if I would be capable to do that.
But as I can’t ignore shared reality…there isn’t that much room for it.
Bills have to be paid. So a job needs to be done. A job where you have to use skills that aren’t part of your talents…takes a lot of energy and time. And it is the shared reality that tells us from the age of 6 what will be rewarded with a salary to pay your bills.
If it aren’t your talents…well that is called bad luck…that’s life.
So if I can go for a walk or play some violin…those days that I am not to tired…I am just lucky that I still can do those palliative activities. That is called good luck….that’s life.
So in a shared reality everyone can find some lucky moments.
Some people more, some people less…depending on the complex system of a society and how it orients i on what is of value and what isn’t when it comes to skills and talents and how much they should be rewarded to pay your basics for a living…

Deef

ICS But as I can’t ignore shared reality…there isn’t that much room for it.

I wonder if you’re overlooking the lack of room = not enough psychological space
and instead are fixated on shared, reality, others, story, etc..

Your posture seems to be arguing that there’s no way out… If that’s your mindset, there’s no way I can offer any alternatives that you can genuinely consider…

My intuition is guessing that this could be more of an issue of unresolved grief… your attention seems to be fixated on hopelessness, and projecting it onto society…. maybe that’s a way of escaping something from your past?

Back to psychological space…

you can keep your mind busy with these external mental puzzles that are unsolvable…. that might be quite adaptive to limit open and free mental space… because if you just let your mind wander…. unresolved grief and emotional flashbacks might come and fill up that space….

But also that empty space, might offer new insights, self reflection, and deeper meaning….

Just sharing a theory….

ICS

Deef My intuition is guessing that this could be more of an issue of unresolved grief… your attention seems to be fixated on hopelessness, and projecting it onto society…. maybe that’s a way of escaping something from your past?

Thanks for sharing what your intuition brought up.
I got stuck yet again.
In earlier posts you already helped me trough…..

At least I already managed to net stay stuck in feeling guilty…So I end up directly in this feeling of hopelessness, and I think the words “feeling powerless”…is closer to it.
And so yes whenever the feeling of powerlessness comes up it is grief and sadness that have to be processed.
So just more grief more sadness….than I already went trough in the last couple of months.

Now that the pattern of going into guilt to avoid the grief and sadness isn’t operating any longer…another tactic or pattern becomes clear. Once I sense powerlessness instantly without a syrup of guilt over it…The feeling of being powerless is so intense and in stead of diving into grief and sadness…My attention goes all the way to external puzzles.
It is precisely how you describe it. I would even dare to call it “blaming the external world”.

So this is a second strategy that I seem to have developed to avoid to tap into that unresolved grief.

Thanks for helping me to get some clarity.

When it comes to the past….I didn’t go trough terrible abuse by my own parents….like many co-dependent people describe. So that is why I don’'t understand why their is so much unresolved grief in my system….
What it is all about.
It is not that I don’t know at all how to grieve. Often enough I found deeper meaning….deeper meaning only comes when I know what kind of loss is am grieving about.

When it comes to the sadness and grief of the last few months I don’t even know what it is or what it was that got lost.
Off course I can release those trapped emotions…that already one thing…..and it is huge….

And even when it is a theory….it is worth it to explore if it can be practical to apply…

Tnanks for holding space Deef.

ICS

ICS I would even dare to call it “blaming the external world”

It seems that in my psyche it is so refined that I can’t always get a grasp what is really going on without some guidance.That in fact I get stuck in “blame mode” in stead of processing and regulating emotions.

ICS

So now I can see that my own psyche has refined ways where I get stuck…to avoid grief and sadness that still have to be processed…I have question about it…and it might seem stupid but it is genuine

Are those tricks of the own psyche what is called “defenses”?
I have read about what “defenses” are..but I couldn’t really figure out what my types of defenses are as the examples that are given in texts are often very clear en simplified examples.
And for as far as I can see it now…my owns psyche seems to be capable to convince me with a lot of “language” that what it is saying about “ a situation” seems reasonable but it isn’t….and even counter productive to find some relief and brings only more suffering.

When I read my previous “hopeless” post again now.
I can see that when I got triggered…This inner dialogue comes forward very strong and creates ….i would call it a “vague double bind”. As the posture is indeed “no way out”.
So somewhere in my life I have internalized a way to create an internal double bind scenario’s?
That have nothing to do with reality…And that blocks me to see that there are probably more options.
So where and how did I learn this? It isn’t t we are born with right?

I don’t know if I was on the receiving end of narc. abuse in my life….or if care givers that I was surrounded by were narc.
But I know now that internally when triggered a internal circuit/program starts to run, that is similar to what people describe as what “external abusers” would do to them.

And it is clear that it only comes action when triggered.

It is not a general belief of me that society is at the root of all of my suffering.
So the only way to find out how many more of those weird tactics I have developed…getting triggered is the only way to find out….
Although I am not proud of the fact that I developed some useless strategies trough live…At least I may learn to detect them or become aware of them step by step.

What I also find out now. It is that I got triggered by some example that wasn’t even the main topic of the video, and that it didn’t trigger anyone else in the community.
So things that trigger me, aren’t that obvious neither.

So thanks for sharing so many video’s with a wide range of content…

Deef

ICS
So now I can see that my own psyche has refined ways to avoid grief and sadness that still have to be processed… … Are those tricks called “defenses”?

Yes… Defenses are ways to avoid feeling unresolved emotions… emotional flashbacks… intense feelings of guilt, shame, grief, helplessness, rage, void, etc. etc…

And one of your defenses is intellectualization through lots of words and noise… along with confusion and and vagueness, and just a fog through a cloud of words and definitions…..

somewhere in my life I have internalized a way to create an internal double bind scenario’s?

this is excessively worded… unnecessarily defined .. on purpose…

a double bind is just a complicated way of tension to force numbness and confusion in your inner world… to stop/prevent/block/slow any strong feelings from coming up…..

the double bind is fooling yourself that more words… better definitions will get you closer to a way out… but it’s just a mental puzzle that’s doing exactly what it’s designed to do…..

confuse and create distance from raw feelings, emotions and trauma….

Your issue might be over-thinking, and the way out might be to exhaust your mind to the point that it stops working.. then feelings can start coming up… cuz you lose the ability the block them…..