Three years ago I came out of a terrifying ordeal that I had worked my way into its ultimate dead-end result.
I had been in denial for decades, believed I had zero worth and when the first Entreprenuer comes along with a business that’s actually investing his entertainment time on me - I’m swooning and romancing the possibilities of him, getting me out of my hole.
I had zero self confidence. I know that now because EVEN when I wrote a good resume, I felt like a liar. I dropped my degree because I felt like I was smart enough to do a degree, but not capable of using it. I wouldn’t trust my own work if other peoples lives depended on it.
So, I did shit work. Ok on the surface it was glamorous, but nothing about my work was a-level feature work. I did shitty C-level movies not even worthy of B-movie. I did carnival parades as “volunteer designer” because I believed no one would hire me - and at least I would have a good credit on my resume.
In the span of ONE WEEK. After being FLAT-OUT deflated by the indiegogo team that told me straight - the project was NOT GOING TO SUCCEED with a bought-in email list… (I was suspicious of this but it really HIT KEITH so bad) he panicked and became depressed and devolved into inability to do anything, crying and complaining and freaking out over our situation in the motel.
I didn’t even have to think fast. I just said - RIGHT THEN I’M GETTING A JOB!!! I had threatened Keith with this weeks ago when I told him flat out I could not handle everything I needed to do for Nüwa alone. Being a maker cut me away from marketing, and without marketing there can be no sales. So Keith rammed on about doing indiegogo as our last hope.
But in reality, that was a sham idea. That was not going to be a lottery ticket. Because I KNEW, to do it right - I was going to have to front all the work alone. AGAIN. So I complied, built out the campaign, and when we were ready to launch - hired a consultant to give us REAL dead honest truth. The words of which sent Keith into despair. He is not a marketer.
So I did a 180, and went from editing indiegogo campaigns, to editing my reel. And with some REAL conversations with artists in the industry, I was told the only way was to show-in on the back of another artist who was trusted and regularly employed at a studio. So I lined up my ducks, connected with artists, still am, but cannot wait…
Then I was asked for a resume to support the video. So I built my name site as the artist - to support all the work I had done that was seen as non-legit and even embarrassing! And turn every bit of experience I had into a montage that reflected my skill set…
And I realized, shit this website is ridiculous! I am at the top of my game?!! I really am an artist! But I can’t wait, so I must APPLY to anything out there, and just solidify my real-world work experience and reinforce my actual skills.
But the thought of OFFICE WORK I hated. There was a pit in my stomach if the very first time I did corporate marketing. And I started on a rabbit hole that took me away from my passions. Made me feel worse and worse because of the bullying.
“What I need is to physically make shit” I thought. If I minimize talking and socializing and I’m GOOD at building, what can I do?
Well; there’s mold making, fabrication, metal-work, lamination, plastic forming, painting, machine operating and power tools are my best friend…
So I thought I would just type these words into a simple app… called “indeed” to just see, just see what was out there. I was apprehensive, I was not expecting anything. But then, the list of jobs was endless under my skills so I looked to the highest paid positions under “fabricator” and found technician roles. Above them were engineers… FUCK ENGINEERING I thought, these DESK JOB MOTHERFUCKER COMPETITIVE EGO-DRIVEN BULLYING SWINES. I do NOT want to be in an office OF ANY KIND EVER! ANYMORE!
And I looked at the highest pay grade of technicians and used that as my keyword.
The whole world opened up. I didn’t realize I am a fabricator technician. I have never used those words, but all of a sudden, I found high paid jobs for Sewing SPACESUITS. Space shuttle furnishings and fittings. All the NASA ecosystem is right here under my nose and I NEVER FUCKING KNEW. I never thought about it, I was fixated on creativity, not fabrication.
NOTHING makes me happier than DOING something which I can be proud of. I love quality and high detail. I love shit that looks impossible. That’s a challenge I ALWAYS strive for, to hit the nerve in someone else’s brain - how did you do that? THAT IS MY SUPERPOWER.
But then, no shit, Virgin Orbit, SpaceX, Faraday, Advanced Composites, Airbus, Boeing, all these space-age companies are searching for such soft-goods technicians and engineers.
So, now we can afford to look for a place to live and get out of motels, just on my job alone… but then Keith. I felt awful for him. He suffers with ageism, and an inability to market himself. There I was merely a day or two into my job-search realizing the world is my oyster - and Keith, silently feeling dejected and eroded - that he was useless.
And it has been hard to deal with in such close inescapable quarters of homelessness and dependent bunnies nagging and acting out their arseholery. BUNNY has eaten a HOLE in the motel walls, so we covered it up with a bin. He can’t help himself. Bunny eats the wall and pounds it and digs it when he’s stressed. He gets stressed when he senses Keith’s stress, and he takes it on literally to eat the walls. I have to soothe bunny but it’s too late. The fucking wall is going to have to be patched today so the motel doesn’t notice our arsehole bunnies damage.
By contrast Baby-Girl, like me, is not acting out in the same manner. She jumps down under my side of the bed. Pisses on the floor directly where I swing my feet out of bed. Pokes her nose out when I step in it like “HAAAAAR HAAAR!” And she is generally being a little bitch and stomping at me and growling like a bear. (Insane from a tiny bunny to hear her growl) but I pick her up and she falls asleep on me. And I have now discovered she is happiest draped over my shoulders while I work. She is high up, can see all around herself, and can chill the fuck out while Bunny STILL TRIES to eat the wall.
Keith says to me: How are you finding all these jobs? So I showed him the Indeed app, typed in “FILM PRODUCER” and seriously a shit tonne popped up there… on the other side of LA to the tech jobs I am applying to. Which is fuckeries. So we have to think again about where to move.
Then Keith said, are there any aerospace jobs in Atlanta Georgia? So I have a list to apply to in Georgia now, I will do this today. Boeing and Airbus subcontract through many companies there.
And as for Keith, the film industry is pretty much in one city. So now it’s just a race to who can get the first job and enable us to get the fuck out of motels.
Which will be me of course, because in the time that I’ve been married with Keith, I think I’ve only seen him do one interview. Which must be a shit feeling. I was afraid I WAS UNEMPLOYABLE!! But instead…
The reality is, I have noticed Keith’s age setting in. He has a number of issues coming up that really need to be fixed. And we can’t afford it. But I will after I get a job!!!
So I am excited at being able to do this for ME and for US, and finally my daughters, who are not in a happy mood with me.
Since they ran away from home, their cries for help have drained my last penny, I cannot afford to send them anymore, the last I sent was out of my OnlyFans, and now they have gone silent, not wishing to beg for more. And they don’t know we are unhoused, living out of the car and motel stops. I do OnlyFans when I can out of the motel to keep money flowing.
I guess the situation we are in for any person would be considered “stressful”. But I don’t feel stress at all, instead I feel confident. I am not hopeful, I just know. Am I wrong? - Prove me wrong. -That’s my mentality.
I don’t know if there is some uncomfortable personality disorder that’s the root cause of my confidence. I have never felt this secure in myself before, I’m not bragging about my skills, I know what I’m capable of.
However - all the applications REQUIRE me to disclose any disability or disorders affecting my limits of work. And they are explicit saying even if it was diagnosed in the past… it’s like a trick question - there is no good way to answer.
I am honest. I check the box YES. I check the box that says I’m Asian. And Female. And… now I look like the token Asian-female-disabled must-hire. BUT if I get to interview stage - I will tell them;
I know I’m supposedly smart, and have a degree, but, I don’t trust these skills not because of experience, anyone would need time to fall-in with company practice… BUT BECAUSE of my diagnosis (which I never knew I had) I MUST take jobs where I’m freely moving around. Computer desk work is my killer. I have a brain that burns too hot on analysis paralysis, so I just avoid that part that would cause me difficulty; and this is why I am going for technician jobs! What makes it extra special - is knowing WHY there are rules, WHY there are best practices, because of my materials handling degree, I can guide my team to perfection and will always strive to help them to that end. PROOF? Look at my volunteer work, film studio work, I’ve always been in charge of interns. I love mentoring.
So my disability keeps me safe, it enables me to be practical and physically work-around my issues, so that if I’m tired and feel the burn-out coming on - I will just clap headphones over - to indicate to people I’m having difficulty with speech and just need some quiet practical handy-work to recharge me.
That’s pretty much all my limitations. If I need to power nap? I want that to be not frowned upon. It makes the difference to be able to talk and present sometimes.
So, I hope they can understand and be reasonable that I’m not actually impeding any work done if I am still productive and at my best - in hands-on work. Oh! And I’ll be able to communicate with the white collar management in their language too, and share that in the best acumen for my colleagues. So, there’s that bonus!
Can’t wait until Mondays interviews. It feels wonderful being this healed and at ease with oneself
