Today was my first day off in 12 days. I’ve been packing in the overtime whilst living every minute of my job. My happiness reflects at work and I realize now that many people in the department have “adopted me” as their go to mom. This would not have been possible before.
Even ten years ago I was a wholly different person. So, in 4 years, I have transformed into a different person, actually I’d go as far as saying even a different personality.
Since my colleague came out with her BPD, suicidal and psychotic institutionalized term 3 years ago, she even OPENLY doesn’t hide her self harm scars anymore. We both know that’s it’s our EMOTIONS that took us down the abyss, but experiencing the absolute beginning again, yet having some kind of cognizance to keep exploring the void, is what got us both out.
I don’t think many people get to experience the void. It’s my way of imagining the loss of soul, or death of some kind. This is what it feels like to be dead. Once you’re dead you do not need to care. Needing to care is the thing that burns our brains out. The need to hold onto circumstance, against common sense and the need of others, creates a bigger and bigger vacuum of despair and missing someone or something. And one can either recognize these “symptoms” before shit hits the fan, OR NOT.
I did not recognize the symptoms because I could not tell what I was feeling. I pretty much felt 100% uncomfortable all of the time, and I had not realized that was as a result of sever trauma, that had molded me and my CNS into pathological avoidance. I avoided exercising the very skills of living necessary to actually LIVE.
My colleague, similarly, felt she was too emotional and severely let down. In addition her CNS evolved from extreme trauma similar to mine, so she was in aggressive defense mode all the time. Distrustful, paranoid, and jealous of the world for living without her.
These powerful unchecked emotions live close to the midbrain, a gear shift of functionality, a logic gate that enables our expression either by action, or reaction. But when there is none, no action and merely a freeze, or a reaction with no expression, the fired synapses have to go somewhere, so they burn.
Unless action or reaction is processed and followed through with expression, emotions that give us the amplification for any expression, slowly bleed energy cross-wiring into either the frontal part of the brain, the CNS, or speech and language processing further back, and then slightly further back the motor cortex, balance, and the exchange for the hindbrain that lays down a muscle memory of behavior - which defines our personality.
When unfulfilled emotions run unchecked, the synapsing of feelings will overflow and burn havoc in nearby areas, resulting in symptoms anywhere from hallucinating and delusions, to full-blown stroke-like symptoms where parts of the brain have been emotionally cut off.
I realized emotions had something to do with my breakdown, as after the 12th seizure, I felt nothing. I was not scared. I felt that I had lost my soul. I didn’t even feel human. The fog never lifted after the last seizure, and I surrendered to just letting things happen as they may, not knowing how long it would be until I woke up again.
I know now, all parts of my brain were not properly awoken until as recently as this very week. As though I feel this is a full recovery, but yet, things are so different now I know that I am not the person at all that I was before. It’s as though the trauma I endured as a child and beyond into adulthood, never even existed. Although I feel that I am weak in some areas, or underdeveloped in some way because I lived according to the pattern of behavior in my brain that allowed my only expression.
My expression now is more full than before. I interact, I have purpose, I am glue in my department, I am valued as part of a community, I have friends I can confide in, and I give back whenever I can to almost mother everyone that works with me. It takes me no effort, but it gives me huge satisfaction and joy, to just make my colleagues happy. I cook extra food and take it to work incase someone hasn’t brought lunch but wants to have my egg fried rice. I bring in cupcakes and candy. I offer to teach people how to do certain tasks if I see them struggling. I offer to help speed up someone’s task by joining them when I have finished mine… and most recently, I’ve found a channel to management by using visual communication cues as a tool, just to explore whether it helps anyone.
For example the maintenance department is rather jaded. They build boot wracks and such, but do t feel recognized for their work by pay or thanks. So I’ve decided to catalogue the assets they’ve built, and spread the word that these items are available should any lead wish to see a use for them…
My job is merely tasks, special skills, and I do not intend to take on any lead supervisory role or management. Literally screw that. I never want to be in a higher level, just because I have a degree, doesn’t mean that white collar work fits me. Infact, quite the opposite, my degree means I am a self-starter, I love learning and am always motivated. In this sense I’m happy to just be part of a bigger machine and use my special skills. I want to make sure my colleagues are happy when they work with me, so I have this rule - no complaining. If one complains it is only to have a goal to find a solution, otherwise one is just whining and bringing down the atmosphere.
I have stopped having nightmares. That’s the other thing, I only ever have nightmares (which I know now, but didn’t know they were back then) however in the last week, I’ve experienced them less. And today, none.