I am literally looking forward so much to having Cynthia come and stay. She’s 18, diagnosed BPD, but genuinely she is really adorable. I’m weird. Maybe it’s my mother bug kicking in?
She looks very goth, does her eyes with heavy eyeliner, often wears red or black/red lipstick. Hides her long hair under a black beanie, has a very slight frame mainly due to her eating disorder, and she has a very, very, dark humor. The kind of humor I really get and feel safe to expose some of my own murderous thoughts.
I do have dark thoughts, but what keeps me away from them is that I have a real purpose in life these days. I’m committed to still developing my Medusa invention, I’m working on series 2 new insert molds. I’m constantly working on projects like making various products that I PERSONALLY can enjoy, the bonus is that they actually sell!
And because I have this purpose, everything else is just worth living for! Robbie, one of my supervisors at work, confided in me the other day, that I am one of the few people she trusts has her back at work. She told me this because she was curious about my commitment to work, for a disgustingly low almost minimum wage, and yet - doing things so well, it makes her look good because I notice the rest of the team. She asked me if I had any interest at all in pursueing leadership roles like actually being a lead or manager.
NO. No no no. I told her, I love my job at Disney so much, all I want to do is make my leads look good and have their backs. Perform all my tasks as efficiently as possible, demonstrate to my team or whoever is interested my ways of doing things fast. (I am unusually quick at building costume presets, chipmunk bodies, hooped skirts for princesses, and folding things etc). The reason I am quick is because I am disordered. The chaos at home means that work is actually a relief! I perform repetitive tasks easily, INFACT I’m never bored by it, and I make games out of it, like timing goals.
People around me are so inspired by watching me airfold a tshirt, or shorts, or undergarments and tights down into perfect stackable squares that slot nicely into drawers. There is an order to rows of undergarment cabinet drawers all showing stacks of uniform folded clothes. It’s something our warehouse is actually proud of like military organization. And I am the one that gets people into shape by drilling their folding techniques like a game.
Word has gone around and come back to me, that the leads love working with me, because when it is a team with me onboard, I tend to pull up the whole crew. I’ve done demonstrations to management, after presenting ideas to my leads like Robbie, and ive had an effect on the way some things are done.
Work is my social life, or social experiment. It’s my fun job and stress relief outside of the home. At home, I am constantly developing my business, but I’m tired of doing this on my own.
And since Cynthia was enamored with my work also being an SA survivor, with BPD mom, NPD dad, and basically a horrific situation at home which has led to her suicide attemptS. I just felt she was like a part of me living the same life all over again but I didn’t want her to fail like I did in so many ways.
So upon leaving rehab, she is coming to stay with me a few days a week, where I will teach her everything I know. And since we enjoy each other’s company, I get some extra help, she gets respite from her parents (who really adore me for visiting her at the halfway house). Like, I’m just genuinely looking forward to having a friend around.
My neighbor Jack has adopted bunnies, so far he is overwhelmed with the single bunny and has delayed picking up the remaining two out of the trio. He flew off to Chicago last minute and left me a message to take care of his bunny while he was gone…
Eva, according to Jack, “god luck if you can pick her up”. Well, I did, and I have done a few times since he’s been gone and she’s uh… bonded to me in less than 24 hrs. I must be a bunny whisperer. She won’t let her own owner Jack, pick her up. With me though, she literally stamps her foot at me when I put her down. Then muzzles my knees until I pick her up again. Sooooo I wonder how I can explain this to Jack. He’s had her for 3 weeks and made no progress in handling her, to the point where he took her to the vet to get her nails trimmed. Shit. He gonna be jealously upset.
Management came to see me at end of night shift this morning and asked me if I would like to do 5 days a week in maintenance with remaining days as optional pick up days for the costuming side. I jumped at the opportunity, I love maintenance, although it’s technically more like grip work.
I bolt scaffolding into concrete, erect shelves, build cabinets, fix headcart (like these train-wagon) flooring, refit costume storage solutions, swap out blowers and motors on fan units and clothes airators. Boot dryers etc. i am leaning so much handy work on this side of production it makes looking after my own apartment easier. My favorite screws are hex head self drilling screws. I use them for practically everything. They even drill into the metal bakers racks when I am securing straps or hooks or sliders to the metal shelving. Just shove a self-drilling screw in and watch that thing bite!
Honestly, I love the access to the entire workshop and inventory environment. Access to the entire park at night. I drive around either the e-cart, or a pick up truck, when streets are being washed, pavement bricks are being re-grouted, turf is being replaced, flower beds are being re-potted, ice cream trucks are being refilled with dry ice - that one is crazy because there is a huge dry ice storage facility, that refills all the ice cream carts, so a fog rolls across the park into which I’m holding my breath while pushing through.
Work behind the scenes hots up as soon as the public leave, and it’s like Christmas elves on duty every single night. The park streets are lit with all the street shop windows. And performers are in dress rehearsal for new parades. I would have been one of the people looking after that bunch, but now I’m on park-wide duty at night. And construction during the day. With my only performer responsibilities as pick-up shifts whenever anyone wants a day off.
I know it’s minimum wage. But right now it’s a happy life and a social network. I feel like I finally have an anchor point from which to slowly build up my business this time without going too fast and failing homeless like I did last year.
And Keith, he’s been surprising this week. He went out and bought me lemon cake, and made me muffins, all in an attempt to stop me using the vending machines at work. So I’m not complaining. That’s actually thoughtful for a change.
