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Onnaloves

Deef this is going to be really helpful. I didn’t know about DID before, I saw her clip and it was extremely useful, and I was attacked for it. For being ““shallow” which is the exact type of energy I want to avoid. People that judge me as shallow, can go away. They can’t see through the hypersexual projection.

so I knew It was a trigger, but I don’t know how to fight it. I read through the comments and yes indeed I related but the stream was so hot with projection. It’s too hot with disorder.

Vaknin calms me down. Grannon - same trigger… sort of. Now I’m getting close.

but having an ECCENTRIC VISUALISATION of my core split was super helpful somehow. That’s all I wanted, not the strange attacker from the fallout trolls of DID supporters/haters.

for there is indeed something that is split so profoundly in me, I don’t know how to begin to think about merging it. Instead of looking outside of me to balance it, I somehow have to get these sides of me to come together.

so thank you for this resource - I will go away and study it. This already kinda ruined my day, I shouldn’t let it. But the trigger is strong the dissociation is strong. And I don’t have a means to ground it.

Onnaloves

This comment got to me. I have a rabbit alter.
the rabbit is my mute.
i realized this last night.
i used to pretend I was a rabbit and hump Jamie hahahaha wonder if she’ll remember.

Onnaloves

Omg, so i read part of that thread you gave me @Deef I’m not done with it yet.
it’s a lot to take in. Firstly I don’t like labels, because earning another label on top of my fucked up cluster fuck of labels is feeling like - too much work and I’ll implode again.

however, some of the framing really got to me.

in real life, I have a number of fronts, which I’m not even aware of, but I know they exist. They are so different Keith has mentioned my different behaviors, AND ACCENTS.

i deny they even exist. But I know they exist. I just don’t want to feel fractured. I don’t want to feel like I have no energy left for myself. Like they are draining me. A party in my head who I have to host. All working on different things, all the time. When I go into the garden, I feel like I’m 5 years old, yet wise. I see patterns in nature and am comforted by this.
when I go to sleep, I leave my body, but this is hard work and I don’t want to be that. I just want to sleep.

it’s hard for me to sleep, and recover.

i have never ever been diagnosed for anything before, I’ve always gone under the radar, undetected, and that part of me, fronts when I’m with a doctor. To stay undetected. Like a cold snake.

there are always three voices in my head and sometimes some form of interject. I don’t know what that means but it feels like it isn’t me, nor even a part of me. Like a devils advocate. Like a memory of all the men coalesced into one entity, a gaslighted, a denier, and he hurts me. He follows me around in my head and hurts me.

but Keith said that was him, and he went away, and he hasn’t come back!

so if I could list all these parts of me, I don’t know what they would be called but here goes:

nature ((a child in awe)
rabbit ((playful and mute)
sexual ((very strong protector)
mother ((death dullah )
snake ((shape shifter and anger and venom)
pheonix ((night time scout goddess shapeshifter)

man ((who the fuck is this)

i think there are more but I try not to invite them. It’s hard work hosting this party.
sometimes they share fronts with me and then it becomes difficult to talk. As most do not have voices.

Peregrin

Onnaloves nature ((a child in awe)
rabbit ((playful and mute)
sexual ((very strong protector)
mother ((death dullah )
snake ((shape shifter and anger and venom)
pheonix ((night time scout goddess shapeshifter)

man ((who the fuck is this)

Oh, you have done a pretty good job of discerning animal archetypes.
Before you invite any more into your “room”, you should talk to each of them to get further understanding.
Ask one of them for one thing at a time. At your terms.
You could ask the innocent little girl what she likes. Highest potential for good. But also the most dangerous path.
Or you could ask the careful rabbit to nibble on one physical thing from your past. And see where that leads.

But it is important that you do this at your own pace. And that you are ready for that a very small and seamingly insignificant thing can grow and grow over a long time, without your control, and that you may be overwhelmed by it.
You communicating with the manifested archetypes must be entirely within you. At least until you have come to the core understanding of what that single thing means to you.

The animal archetypes speak through symbols. Dreams.
The rabbit will not suddenly break out in a cockney dialect and spurt out words. It will show you a thing, and how it relates to that thing, when it feels safe to do that.

Inner dialogue with the animal archetypes will give you resolution. One piece at a time.

Said the peregrinus, high up in the sky.

Onnaloves

I am really hoping I sleep well tonight. I’ve been studying too much. I did digging on DID and I feel like I don’t know anything anymore, which makes me study into madness. Like an addiction or compulsion to understand a whole new world. Which makes sense to me
yet somehow, how the fück did I get through life under the radar. Unnoticed. Surviving. Hopscotching around the world. Different careers. I mean, my career pattern to any industry would be, too thin. How could anyone do all this? It’s unbelievable, and yet, if you know me it is.
and I watched the serpent, and saw how the accomplice followed the murderer wverywhere and sacrificed herself to him. And thought. I know this feeling intimately.
i researched what happened to the serpents accomplice, and she died in 1982, of the same cancer, I have predicted to end up in me. Yea they called it ovarian cancer, but that’s where mine starts.
in my left ovary, and somehow it travels up my left side into my pancreas, through the fatty mesentary.
hmmm. She was only 37.
so, I’ve decided maybe I do need health insurance after all, and start with getting a general physical, and I will mention my strange fibroids that have been falling out, and the burning sensation in my pelvic bowl, and the strange activation of my spleen.
maybe they can do ultrasound, and track or get a baseline. Because I’ve been paranoid about death coming after me before, but then I broke down with seizures, and everything changed.
before the seizures, I was convinced of something in my bones. Then after it wasn’t that but something more slow. The winds had changed.
and today I keep wondering how, my hypersexual outside of me, hides and protects my asexual inside… and no one gets through. Because she curses and demonizes all men.
I can’t help it. She is more powerful than them, and it keeps them away from knowing me inside.
but I did not recognize this as a multiple personality. Just separate ego states. They sometimes switch, but there seems to be always three. Sometimes it’s three conversations of 6 parties, each doing a different thing and crowding me out.
but I didn’t think this was multiple personalities?
because they never front?
but. They do. I’ve just denied it. So now what?
and they haven’t receeded or gone away, they instead become more productive and working together now instead. Which is odd.
i thought this was a symptom of schizophrenia? Maybe it is. But, what does it matter anymore if I find a way to join the hypersexual split, and my asexual stunted hidden self. Somehow together.
they do not occupy the same space in my brain. So I do not know how to bring them together. As hypersexual me, is always outside. Third person.

i must sound nuts. Oh well.

Onnaloves

Peregrin The animal archetypes speak through symbols. Dreams.
The rabbit will not suddenly break out in a cockney dialect and spurt out words. It will show you a thing, and how it relates to that thing, when it feels safe to do that.

Wow. Thank you. I didn’t know where this was going and bumped into DID, that’s when I found if my personality is split into emotional components and do infact front when I am mute or otherwise.

and I can’t overcome it, instead ““switch” to another personality. Somehow. And I didn’t know how. But when I think about the emotions that they contain… then I know which non human entity is each.

the weird thing fir me was discovering that ALL my alter egos were non human.
except MAN who I hate. But man hasn’t come back in my head since keith apologized… and grew a little bit. Checked himself for being scheptic of me. I actually think he believes me now… that’s respect I haven’t had in a long time.

mother - the death dullah, concerns me. As when she fronts, keith has seen it, and told me, and I do not remember. She comes out when I am cooking Chinese food. And the reason I am a little worried or dread, is if she turns and poisons or curses through food or Gu magic. Because she I think is very bitter.

like my mother.

i have not cooked Chinese food in a year, I’ve gone without and I miss it. But she worried me when keith said my accent changed while I was cooking, and I do not remember. She is happy when she cooks but seething inside like a trigger. I think she is a protector. Come to think of it. My own mother was not, and she scared me.

wait. My mother had no mother, and was became a wild child… wait… my mother had alters too! They were non human too!

i am wondering if this is an ancestral trait now. I think it probably is. I don’t know how typical it is for non human alters. I have barely begun to understand it.

the research I did on dissociaDID scared me, as she is machiavelli and evil, and the followers she has around her, reflect many of those traits. She carries drama, the way I wish to avoid it. And that’s hurting the DID community, as it’s imbalanced with impurity, of cluster B denial and insecurity, co morbidity and grandiose validation.

i feel DID has harmed the DID community in irreparable ways. Mental health merch. Yikes

Onnaloves

Oh my god! Mother ((death dullah) speaks Chinese, which I have forgotten how to speak!!!
i must relearn my Chinese! In this way, I can talk to her on her grounds in my head. Because she spits in broken English, and she is very frustrated. Cooking calms her down.
no wonder I was transfixed on ““whole am I” I rejected my mother and forgot my language. And now I am regretful of that. I am sorry mother.

Onnaloves

I took baby girl out in the garden with me, three times now without a harness. She is free to roam by herself without the tug of a ball and chain leash dragging around the garden.

and she’s a rabbit, that willingly comes to me when I ask her if she wants to go outside. But I didn’t trust her as she would bolt and loose her mind. So this time for three days, I trusted myself that she knows how to come to no harm.

today, the third day, she lay next to me in the grass, out in the open, while I foraged as nature clipping the best shoots I could find. She lay with me! I am so proud she actually trusts me! Her behavior changes on the leash as she feels tight like a security blanket. And it calms her down. But when she is triggered she will bolt, and you can’t catch her, she will frighten herself to death if you chase her. So you use the leash wisely and let her know that you aren’t chasing her, but you’re always there, 20 ft away and moving closer only when she slows down.
that’s how I used the leash. And it has become a crutch. For every time I go to pick her up it’s a dance of her will against mine. She does not want to go inside but soon gives up because of the leash. Until she settles down and lets you pick her up. Because she realizes she’s trapped.

so this time I took her in the garden without a leash to get her to grow a little bit. A sense of time. That when I’ve finished harvesting it’s time to go in.
and that’s just how it is but I have to show her, it’s her choice. Her decision to do the right thing. And unite again with Bunny, who is jealous she went outside. So remind her of the system, all things come in due time, she needs to understand time.

i finished foraging for grass. And she showed herself inside, but needs me to carry her up the steps, as her stumpy legs, she can’t climb the steps. So she bolted at me and I scooped her up, then her neck navigated the way up. She necked her way guiding me up the stairs to tell bunny of her adventure.

Onnaloves

Just had a flashback. My mother steaming a whole chicken, with a special ginseng root she paid £100 for. She steamed the chicken in a wok with a lid, topped the water up kept it slow slow not even a bubble, with the ginseng root in the water.
the pasty chicken would melt over the course of a day.
into a thick brine fatty soup, for me. Only me. My mother made this soup and insisted I drink it. She let my brother eat the melted chicken. It collapsed into a pile of mush and was so soft like gelatin.

the soup tasted bitter, and I couldn’t see the point of it. But, I remember mother watching me to make sure I ate it. She did this for 5 days, steaming a new chicken and condensing down the soup with the expensive ginseng root.

how. The fuck. Who taught my mother this? Why? It seemed so ritualistic. I’m trying to remember the cause of it.

wait. Things stopped happening around that time. I had lipstick my memory and I was only ten. My mother did it, because she saw me go mute for at least a year, and lose my memory, I stopped speaking to her in Chinese as revenge.

and it must have hurt her so bad, to loose connection with me. So she did the ginseng soup, to wake me up again.

she was concerned. She cannot survive if I implode.
she needed me. Oh wow. This was my mothers love and concern. I do not remember her loving me.

if I accidentally stayed on the sofa too long, my mother would sit down next to me, and grab a foot and pull my toes until they cracked and I would Yelp and she would laugh.

she never cuddled me, or hugged me, except this tight embrace like a doll being squeezed, and she would bite me on my face and make me cry, and she would laugh at my tears. I never understood her sadism on me, to get a reaction out of me, to make her feel alive. As it was the only time she giggled, when she hurt me.

so I slunk around avoiding her, remembering not to fall asleep on the sofa, I would often sit on the floor by the walls, or behind the sofa peeking around. That’s how I lived my childhood years around her.

avoiding her attention.

she once saw a pimple on my eye. And she commanded I stay still, taped my eye shut with a plaster, poked a needle in my eye and pulled out a calcified milia. Better out than in. That was her way of loving me. And I appreciated it.

because at least she never beat me like my brother. But instead, I knew she had something to do with the chinamen in my bedroom. And as long as I drank sweet tea at night, I would not remember…

what the fuck.

Onnaloves

This is going to sound crazy, but quite by chance and everything I’ve been through, I saw Sam Vaknin’s video in my recommendations and it caught my eye - look at the title -

the title is really good. But then he started about ““shadow banning” hehehe. He’s smart, he’s just figured this out. I’m so proud of him ☺️ He’s close to the algorithm. And he wasn’t even a hacker to figure it out.

he is NPD of cerebral kind, who is using his blindness to understand how the narcisstic internet works. I’m so proud. A MAN CAN SEE THIS. Because men designed the internet, based on rank, an grandiosity, authority….

because it was designed by man, it LACKS context, glue, error correction. The internet is a machine that is a reflection of mans narcissistic creation.

and no matter how many more algorithms they develop, the presenting behavior of the internet IS RANK and lists, and non rhizomatic. Not earthed in context or history. Even the ranks of context are ranked, not contextualized. Ranked as who is more right and worthy. Not presented as balanced rhizomes.

So I’m proud that man can begin to see the shadow of the internet. And the keyword that gets you de-ranked are different for each platform.

for youtube it is SEXUAL BEHAVIOR. Youtube can’t ban you but it wants to dehumanitize sexuality. It will persecute anyone who talks about sex, sexual abuse, or hyper sexuality.

those are specifically the keyword cloud that get the Youtube Sentinels alerted to suffocate you or take you out like a part of humanity they want to deny exists. But all it does is polarize and perpetuate the thirst for hyper sexuality. ITs perverse.

for facebook it’s Conspiracy theories that get you banned and taken out, for even if you raise awareness, the audience is hot with distrust, and those keyword clouds of density of blame and shame get picked up more readily on IG and FB

ITS LIKE EACH PLATFORM IS A compartmentalized personality of the broken internet, a malformed and primitive mind. A direct reflection of society, our malformed psyche and primitive minds validate each other and coalesce leading to the sickness in society.

and Vaknin has just figured it out.
so my next art project is now coming together. I will work on it tonight.

Peregrin

Onnaloves ITS LIKE EACH PLATFORM IS A compartmentalized personality of the broken internet, a malformed and primitive mind.

I would say that Facebook is the autonom copy of the broken personality of Mark Suckerberg.
(Spelling… Is it Zucker, or is it SUCKER). 😇

Peregrin

Onnaloves And he wasn’t even a hacker to figure it out.

Don’t bet on that. You are forgetting that Vaknin is a math genious from the beginning, and that he is working on the chronon field theory. Which will be flying yet a mile higher over everybody’s heads when it is finalized than the nine dimensional s-process theory did. Not to mention the EPR effect.

I’m waiting for the theory of non causal regression of impossible future to be proven… Tachy gun… 🤓

Onnaloves

Peregrin on the topic of personalities, I find it fascinating that Mark Sugarberg. Is named after the poison of addiction of humanity. Sugar berg.

ive always known that his baby Face book, was a mirror of his personality. It’s a paternal structure that lacks balance. It’s diseased just like his mind.

It’s so obvious to me that YouTube is executed under the order of a malformed female mind. Who is judgmental about hyper sexuality, as she herself is also a fucked up representation of testosterone in a female drive.

And look at Elon Musk, who has a project to simulate the human mind, yet he himself is primitive and antisocial lacking key ingredients of Glia Latin for Glue - so his simulation will never become self aware or artificially aware… as it has no glue.

the reason I know Elon’s character as intimately as I do, is because I know my ex, who admired him, and was jealous of him, and follows his every move.

he wants to be him, but he won’t admit it or say it in the open, because that would be admitting his envy. The one thing I held back from my ex boss, was putting him in touch with Elon, to share his technology. I held back from that knowing that, that was his ultimate life hero and I wasn’t going to do that for him.

But i have deep confidence I could get under his akin if I felt the transactional urge to get something out of it. However, Elon Musk is a primitive mind, he does not deserve to complete his model of the human brain alone. And he does not see that.

i will start my next project tonight, and delay the 3D model I started, for it needs more maps before I can engrave it.

Onnaloves

Peregrin oh right. Of course. That makes sense. I know where he falls on the map I’m doing in my project. Huh, he does have autistic traits then… interesting.

Onnaloves

Oh great, I’ve just realized the way I THINK is not the way I behave… writing in here, whoever is listening to me, it’s ONE VOICE. But this is an inner voice of thinking, that I never express or cultivate outside of myself.
It is never spoken out loud… that’s weird. I’m thinking about it now, these words in my voice, is not the behaviour I front with. Wow That’s kinda fucked up.

WHO AM I FRONTING WITH? When was the last time I lived in the real world with my voice? Wait. On business trips. With Christian. Fuck. You mean the voice as I write now, is not the voice I front with?

it’s true. The ego that I front with let me think about that. She is mute. She hardly speaks. Maybe but one hour a day. Still very little. She seems happy and calm. But I am the inner voice? Wait a minute?

is this true? How can I just realize this now? I host a party in my head, and outside she is calm. I am confused.

should I name them? So I can identify them? I think I’m getting confused, I thought I was hypersexual and Asexual. I’m trying to think of this behavior switches consciously…

hypersexual comes out to play, and is out in the open, but Asexual is my daily front. Just a robot. Hypersexual is the machiavelli in me, is that the one that writes?

i think i feel like i have two different hosts. One is like a robot, distant, asexual. The other is this voice I think, that never reveals herself except in the way I want to project… as bait and switch kinda. My defence. And here I am writing as her, but not as asexual.

i think I feel a difference between the two. And Asexual is afraid of touch. She checks her anatomy daily like an obsession, but she is still learning about herself. So that’s what I must do.

next time I am thinking with her, I will write. Maybe there’s a difference? I might go back through my journal now, and see if I can spot which one was her.

this sounds like a plan to me to get hypersexual and asexual to converge.

Onnaloves

I went to be utterly confused last night. And as a result had dreams - which I can’t remember.
i don’t think they were good dreams, I think their was some discomfort of being seen. Hmmm

what if, my inner voice ME as I write is uncomfortable being SEEN like I am afraid to come out in the open so I wear this Asexual Android mask to hide myself. And when I let my truth leak out on YouTube, I am burned when I am attacked. So, I hate YouTube, because it feels like my mother. I have to be unseen. Yet, I want to be seen, fuck.

im confused again.

This is really pissing me off. But on the outside as I write, I am numb presentation, calm, different. So is this inner voice that spills in here? Is it manipulating me? Finding ways still to stay hidden? Finding ways to go under the radar and still be seething with anger?

Am i still angry? Is that what keeps me distant from myself. Hmmm this is the whole reason I drew that map.

i COULDNT EXPLAIN IT BEFORE

LET ME EXPLAIN. A bit now. On the right hand side ABOVE THE LINE there are two personalities warped away from convergence with purpose in society.

based on an unrealistic linear convergence of the perfect age of experience, one converges and unites with society’s conscience, and becomes a shared goal with society.

there are two warped minds I’ve placed on this reality curve, the malformed mind and the primitive mind. They are what a Cluster B would look like, except you can also have this expression without being cluster B… it will show you your attraction path… you either LOOK for role models that stand out as either one of those curves.

do you LOOK for someone who separates themselves from society? With grandiosity and leadership styles? OR

DO YOU LOOK for someone of HIGH expression, Yet wants to hide in society, to blend and merge.

feeling first of all WHO’s path you are attracted to can identify WHICH HORMONE you are mirroring, and which one you are emotionally mimicking,

and finally what is your reciprocal behavior…

I have not been kind with words to describe each of these hormone paths that are warped.

because each path is warped from a sense of grandiosity above others, and this may not be expressed in real life - in society, but it is grandiosity none-the less. Because that defines how you will express in society, either THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE that you choose, or as yourself.

UNTIL YOU UNWARP your nature, your emotional self, the forces you feel, and FIND your purpose in society, that serves a common goal with the collective consciousness to move in a shared direction of progress for society.

THIS IS HOW I found myself. I am attracted to the narcissist, the biggest leader, the biggest thinker of them all. But that means I also behave like the narcissist - as a mirror, always thinking I’m different from society, so it is not expressed positively but discreetly - that is my Mother Nature. Why is that BAD?
Nature sees patterns in awe. But as you bring her closer to her soul, she sees death.
estrogen controls the ““glia” Latin for GLUE that controls our ability TO MIRROR ALL THE FACETS OF EMPATHY. Empath. Empathetic. Mirror sensing. Indirect synapsing. Feeling everyone else AS THEIR OWN.

the borderline female expression, is attractive to the ““son of god” which is not meant to be a positive expression but a MARTYR. Purposely written that way, as he is an estrogenic mirror FOR SOCIETY so everyone can DUMP their shame their hurt their pain and he can become closer to heaven FOR OTHER PEOPLE who wish to hide and blend into society.

THIS IS THE HARSH TRUTH of my map, I have not explained yet in public, because I needed to see it for myself. Where I am warped. WHO I am attracted to, because only then can I Realise where I must UNWARP, to become a reflection of my role in society.

the warped mind of primitive mind CAN BE GOOD, if the goal is to take their place as a leader as society, for yea it will be lonely there. As you Are different. You still inside shun everyone else. IT IS NOT YOUR MOTHER NATURE to take care of everyone, that is her job, and your ultimate partner will understand that and soothe your soul to do it’s job, to still be not so Lonely at the top.

for everyone there is a mirror, that can enable them to continue as they are, as the mirror soothes their soul a bit and allows them to stay warped in themselves.

i will describe later on the harder to see aspects of the reciprocal self ((controlled by dopamine)

and the inverse self ((seratonin)

Peregrin

Onnaloves the borderline female expression, is attractive to the ““son of god” which is not meant to be a positive expression but a MARTYR. Purposely written that way, as he is an estrogenic mirror FOR SOCIETY so everyone can DUMP their shame their hurt their pain and he can become closer to heaven FOR OTHER PEOPLE who wish to hide and blend into society.

Fusion of Mary Magdalene and Maria, the virgin mother of Jesus?
Did i see that right?

Onnaloves

Peregrin correct. It’s his nature. It’s beautiful AND SAD

Onnaloves

Curious thought… I need to dump my question for Grannon, it was impatient and intuitive, but I find my own answers so… I wonder if using this map. There is a bridge he can understand and I cannot. That I can help merge myself?

here’s where he IS ON THE MAP. I see his behavior is strong in Testosterone, his expression is high and close to his soul. So he attracts a fuck tonne of cluster B vampire borderlines. That drive me batshit crazy in his comment feed.

these female borderlines are low in testosterone expression, and believe their emotions ARE EVERYTHING that is close to the soul. I see them all as addicts, alcoholics, conspiracy theorists, superstitious, dangerous, drama queens. That shit scares me. Huh.

so, his inverse self is an addict? Hiding from emotions, hiding,,, mainly from PRIDE.

ohhh that’s interesting. If he is hiding from PRIDE he enables this by allowing people to DUMP THEIR SHAME on him. So he can’t escape crazy borderlines. He attracts them like flies to shit. They see him as son of god there to sacrifice himself for them.

am I being harsh? This is only what the masses of commenters are shaping him with. I see the density of behavior which is even worse on Instagram where he got banned. He got banned because his follower density was too high with behavior keywords

of BLAME. Always looking to blame, conspire and believe in conspiracy. So Grannons profile hit taken out, as identified as a coalescer of the weak minded of the internet. He inadvertently coalesces those of weak and programmable mind.

interesting. He got punished for that. He got banned for that. It’s like, Instagram behaves like a sociopathic father, that wants to punish his sons for being a pussy, emotional, a weak boy. Attracting weak minds.

how do you work with that? Find a way to work with the sociopath of the internet? So that he lets you shine as you are? And does not punish you and shame you for who you are?

Onnaloves

So I’m really pissed off with myself right now.
ive been trapped in thought and a deep cyst popped out of my chin ON MY MENTAL EMINENCE. This is a geography labeled on the bone, because of thinkers placing their hand on their chin, as if to support their thoughts.
the chin is something no other creature possesses and therefore has no mental eminence bony structure, to which muscles of expression attach themselves to the bone.
and, I have a deep cyst there, that’s been aggravated for the last three days, and just exploded.
so now I have a fucking wound on my chin. Like I should draw a big green circle around it and go: look at this ⭕️🔱📌 I just tried to pull it out with some tweezers and made a bigger mess. GREAT.

im just going to translate the map of facial emotions to see what it says. I recognize the word CHILD on the chin, so that’s interesting already….

wow. WOWOWOW!!! I have just thought of something. Trying to think myself out of a situation, confusion, thinking, obsession, I aggravated my mental eminence and caused the deep cyst to rise.

god I’m so pissed off about this. You can’t imagine. I thought my face was healing and now this fucker pops up.

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