Onnaloves visuals

Deef

Onnaloves a tsunami of MASSIVE reaponsibility that I cannot grasp in scale nor believe I can cope. It’s hard to thing one step at a time when there is a mountain falling on me.

Hmm… this sounds quite intense and overwhelming…. though in the longer term, this is a good problem to have…. it just might take some time for you to adjust to it all?

Not that I have much personal expertise with handling viral attention and demand….

But, theoretically, right now with the virality, it’s got that exponential spike aspect… eventually it will normalize or create it’s own pattern… then it will be easier to track and manage, or if needed you might need to hire help or create filters and mechanisms to deal with all the flow…

Onnaloves I need to put a notice on my website this evening to reassure everyone I’m doing my best but didn’t anticipate this.

and this is a good strategy, just be honest, and start talking to people as a group instead of individually… technology is designed to help with scaling up…

But for now, good luck on finding things to just ground you, settle down your nerves, and bring you back to the present moment…

Onnaloves

Exhausted. Sales are increasing. Interview requests banging at the door and I turned off my phone for the rest of the day and just concentrated on my production molds, making delicate fitting adaptors etc.

Keith just told me - that the money came in the nick of time… basically we were about to default on our credit cards and sink. But, I DID IT!!!

I really did didn’t I? And now there’s a new weird kind of stress… tsunamis of PEOPLE landing on me and fulfillment and fuck if they’re dissappointed? Omg. Shit.
I really hope they aren’t a dissappointment. I will have beat up my pumpum for no good reason. I’m actually still sore from overuse.

Realtor came and went. Keith is preparing us for moving and he’s been searching for places to move to that won’t disrupt business. It will be the first time we are able to afford rent in three years.

We’ve been living here in this delapidated house all this time off one hot plate a microwave and a toaster that can only be used one at a time or the electrics blow a fuse.

I remember Keith’s expression on his face some time ago when I announced to him I wanted to do this: it was sort of like, WHY HAVE I BEEN TRYING TO SELL PHOTOGRAPHY CLASSES ALL THIS TIME?!!!

When I said I had a life dream to make this thing… and he remembered when I proposed it 7 or 8 years ago, and he kicked himself to the moon that day.

For the last 2 and a half years, I have solidly promoted his consultation, his teaching, his resume, his skills, tirelessly and fruitlessly. Because he is genuinely THE WORST CLIENT anyone could have. I mean the worst. Everything has to be authorized by him, he is slow, weeks slow to give me info and feedback that I need. And he is irritating hiding behind his laziness to do anything himself. Because. Internet.

Then, I pushed for the launch, I pushed and pushed and ignored his instructions on his thinking what launch meant.

In his mind, he thought launch meant get list of subscribers to PAY all 35 preorders MUST NOW PAY before we put it out there

Duh

In my mind. launch meant; spam the fuck out of everything and everyone on every network until I get some traction and that may take a bit of a social media push and some article writing.

Needless to say I did the latter, and put up with Keith’s incessant pessimism and fretting, he freaked out when the website broke. He freaked out when people paid on PayPal because he saw $14 fees. He is just miserly and conservative on every detail.

But. I insisted to have every payment channel open. And since 3rd of the sales are on PayPal… the money comes in IMMEDIATELY. Like, cash in minutes, zeros in the account that I have never seen before.

And we are still waiting for the stripe funding to clear while PayPal jumped over… for a $14 fee. And now he’s breathing a sign of relief about the deadline on credit cards, AND STILL STRESSING it’s just him but I can’t help it that he gets on my nerves being like this.

Meanwhile I can’t take on any negativity from him because I’m freaking freaked over the tsunami. And I am the poor craftsperson that’s gonna have to solve this. I might ask the supplier if they can help me find an assistant. I can afford a new barrel of silicone!

The electric sensation calmed down a it and I crashed asleep. Woke up with numb hands. Again. I thought they were improving BUT NO lol. Can’t run away from this kind of stress. Wanted to. But couldn’t. Anyhoo I did an amazing job of detailing the mold fittings. So these next production molds should be super tight!

Onnaloves

So, people are liking the concept of Nüwa Medusa so much, that they are just going in and paying the full price. Which is baffling to Keith, who keeps on bothering me about the price. He keeps saying if sales drop we‘ll have to lower the price…

LOL

I am struggling to be honest, the rollercoaster of dealing with so many desperately crying women, has torn me up and I’m just feeling…

Awareness that at a very fundamental level that the bitterness of women being unheard in this department causes a LOT of strife between the sexes.

EVERY WOMAN experiences vaginal pain at some point in their life. No one listens. As a result, the easiest to blame is MEN. The cause of pregnancies, the cause of rape, injury, even in loving marriage, to be unheard and unsatisfied, performing duty sex even, or allowing him his pleasure at the cost of your own discomfort for oftentimes 2 weeks.

There are so many causes of vaginal pain, and if the partner who is male, and loving and caring, cannot fix a situation or help his loved one, he also becomes the cause. It’s like a pendulum swing of festering man hate, blame, dickophobes and ruined women, who deep down become jealous and bitter at any idea of romance.

Triggered when it is put infront of them on TV. Grossed out, dissappointed, jaded. That no one told them, they will all go through this, at some point in their lives, and when it happens, goodbye to sex is the norm, and the vendetta against men continues.

Society has bred a bunch of women (not anyones fault) that behave like angry teenagers willing to spit off venom for any target related to their pain. Even if it’s just a scapegoat.

I see this now so clearly in all the letters from women, and I completely understand having been that wretched myself. And I now stop and check myself. The reason why no one listens, is because there is no awareness of the correct language to use, that can be verified for EVERY WOMAN.

As each woman is different, her organs trace different overlaps, vessels and nerves. So there is not one type of pain but many and organ has to deal with wear and tear of use… in truth, humans were not designed to live that long to find out. But medicine has brought us far, and yet, emotionally, medicine is behind.

Medicine itself is in puberty. It has Al the tools and tricks in the box, but it has not emotionally matured to integrate the live and care of real life. So right now, medicine is a recipe book of everyone’s junk and bits. A statistical pool of non-contextual junk. Silos of information, without a common awareness in medicine, that people are simply not happy.

I am the first woman in their eyes to recognize their dead bedroom, their destroyed sex organs, their fragility, and their nuanced even slight discomforts, that I realize, the volume in their voices is tinged with bitterness. And that is mistakenly aimed at men even their loved ones. But the aim should be at the medical system.

So I’m collecting written referrals from clinicians towards a paper, to make medicine aware of the tiresome eroding and dismissed discomforts of womens direct personality and sex drive.

So many women have referred my site to their doctors now, that doctors are reaching out to me

Onnaloves

Uh oh. I sense hot water.
Oh by the way, I have now made more money in a few days than I have ever earned in a month. And the sales are pushing forward by themselves as though, the speed of sharing has risen.

And the hot water thing:

I get these frequent requests by others to put gender neutral language on my vaginas. And I have tried this before but my main audience being women - were so confused if the puss puss was meant for a trans or a dick and not them, that they wrote of their confusion which spiraled very fast into diatribe.
I even had trans bitching at me saying well SHE says gender neutral but I DONT SEE ANY GENDER NEUTRAL thing going on there!
I sensed the bitterness from a trans who felt excluded because he was a vagina owner that had to explain himself to everyone. But he was not my target as he doesn’t have pain with sex.

So he can fuck off

And in actual fact, sorry but my main audience is WOMEN and I want to educate WOMEN and not alienate or confuse my main customer base of WOMEN who are seriously confused upon the first 10 words of this presentation. So FUCK YOU GENDER NEUTRAL BULLSHIT I designed this FOR WOMEN, NY A WOMAN, and if you want to use it go ahead, you are not excluded but you don’t need it!

And for those that do need it, and have bottoming issues because they are a trans woman. THATS A WOMAN TOO, ink like a women with a reverse hysterectomy and they aren’t ashamed to be called a woman are they?

What the fuck are these snowflakes trying to push on me, I’m just an artist, solving my own problem that applies 99% to women. And I’m not going to alienate 99% in favor for minority rule. This is my democarcy mate.

Inside I’m screaming at this garbage and stupidity. Because it’s not like Facebook will allow me to even advertise this product. So I’m playing by my own rules. Advice not taken. Fuck off

steveoscar

Onnaloves So I’m playing by my own rules. Advice not taken.

haha. It fascinates me. Why does the wording matter at all. Maybe some Americans are quite wording-phrase sensitive. Maybe Im wrong. In my country its a taboo to insult 1 religion , I somewhat see some plus to it, as Im trying to build bridges. Being a minority has the perks to being approached by many… on endless back and forths.

Onnaloves

steveoscar it’s honestly just sophomoric bullshit where they are manufacturing their exclusion by crossing boundaries OF MY INTENT by overwriting everything with their emotions. They can fuck off.
My intent is pure and not malfeasant. I am a woman, and have never been proud of that so can understand the bitterness of trans and sexual dysmorphia. But to censor me and tell me how I should present?!

Fuck off.

It’s the projection of “don’t be a bully” that’s so fucking ironic here. I stand my ground to speak to the majority. Women. They exclude themselves by acting like tone police on me.

In other news…

The bank called me and offered me a business credit line, and a credit card for my business after they saw zeros clocking in… I guess they were a little surprised to see a brand new business fill the account in days.

The insurance guys visited me this morning absolutely fascinated with what I’ve been doing, ecstatic over my ingenuity! For me, it was the first time a real show-and-tell made perfect logical sense. Saying this for the first time, with my own words, was powerful.

And I realized I had been practicing for months - ON THIS FORUM! So, no one could possibly know how much difficulty I was in 6 months ago let alone the vegetable I was a year ago. It was empowering to do this for the first time in person. And good practice I suppose for leveraging my intent with clinicians and medical degrees above my qualification to speak on a therapeutic level.

I am I guess, now an equal to anyone else. And that is big. That is a game changer in my mind because I have always felt somewhere inside, a kind of doubt. A kind of inferiority and never my place to speak. But today, I realized for the first time, I understood and could compel others in a way they were not inspired to believe or think before. Therefore, I am real, I have value, and I am now equal with everyone else.

It is through this realization that I was saddened to know, just how inferior I believed I was. And what a bitter poison of daily life that became an expression of.

steveoscar

Onnaloves … except my work status, being bullied was the original problem why I went in… and instead therapists are like: DAMN I HIT GOLD WITH THIS ONE, let’s pull her apart.

It feels vindictive to me. I think subconciously it is a power trip,

Definitely, when your doing well or bad people pops up from everywhere with opinions, yeah judgement. I remember at one time I was accused of hooking up with prostitutes or drinking alcohol in Malaysia by a teacher for not performing to their expectations .

Onnaloves by crossing boundaries OF MY INTENT by overwriting everything with their emotions. They can fuck off.

You have Bunny. Rabbits have emotions but he/ she wont overwrite anything.. I definitely need a pet too. Maybe a Persian cat if not a monkey.

Onnaloves

steveoscar hooking up with prostitues LOL. To slur anyone with the idea that they own judgement over your sexual practices is disgusting to me. I’ve been accused of prostitution. So what? I became a domme anyway. Ok it didn’t do my attitude any good and I felt the man-hate grow, but people labeling anyone with taboo for their sexual preferences is just vindictive.

A Sex worker wrote to me saying she wanted 4 of these Medusae, because then she could rotate them between clients as she was having a rough time down there. I was like: INGENIOUS! So I might do her a special custom batch of closed pocket sheaths to protect her from STIs. I have no judgement over people that just want sex. I always want sex, all the time, but I suppress it because it’s so difficult to live with. Right now my vag is still recovering.

I’ve been really erked busy the audacity of gender neutral pressure lately. And I’m TRYING to maintain a front of niceness. But inside I’m a raging bitch and I don’t know how to deal with this.

On another note; doctors are surfing my comment stream, advertising themselves as the only obgyn working in feminine trauma. LOLOLOLOLOL. I find it kind of grotesque. Dunno why. I couldn’t do it to other peoples threads.

What is wrong with people splatting their sales all over other peoples threads? I’ve had people write to me way prematurely about “working with them” and I’m like silence. Too premature to respond. In addition I can wait it out for someone I really like to drop in.

I don’t know what the audacity is behind people offering me to “send to them some of my product [for free] to promote”. Listen, I’ve struggled all my life, I earned this and invested in this 100%. Beyond the eyeballs in debt and fear. Now I have fulfillment anxiety. And these people want me to send them stuff for free?

Out of my pocket and time for promotion

Am I supposed to be reacting like this? I feel like suddenly I’m spotting stinky bad people and bad behavior and “I’ll get away with what I can” stink of people. And I don’t like it. They smell bad. So I’m not responding to anyone as they right got on my nerves.

Maybe it’s because I did this with no help, and I feel oppressed STILL like others are trying to steal something from me? Can’t shake this feeling. Is it paranoia? Am I too protective? Or is my intuition guiding me these “educated folks” are trying to pull one over me at a time when I’m precariously balanced on the edge.

I’m digging my way out of trouble. I have only just started. And we have to MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE in a month, with not enough credit rating since we are maxxed out. Sooo I am feeling pulled in all directions and people writing to me, is well premature. I don’t think I would do it to anyone.

steveoscar

Onnaloves I felt the man-hate grow, but people labeling anyone with taboo for their sexual preferences is just vindictive.

Its all part of the devaluing phase. Sheesh. Once they got what they wanted, that follows next. Ive noticed myself getting numb and desensitized..I wonder if it is from the benzo or the complication grief. Wait what circumcised Jonathan Redfern said is so creepy.

Onnaloves

OH here it comes (snark)

Snark snark snark LOL

Seriously? I am a woman. My intent is to design for women. And they think I’m being intentionally aggressive to them?

Out of the thousands of comments, there were 4-5 of these, less than 1% with a chip on their shoulder projecting their hate and bitterness - onto me. For what?

They don’t care about my feelings.

I DID design it for women. Women are marginalized. That doesn’t mean I designed it for every marginalized sexuality. It just means; use your fucking head. Suddenly everyone that feels marginalized wants to be included. And I am oppressive and horrible if I use the language of WOMEN.

The fuc?

Shut up. I really don’t care. And I don’t care because of whiney little bitches like you. Black Lives Matter. Until black lives matters, marginalized doesn’t matter. Until women’s sexuality matters, no marginalized will matter. Until Black Lives Matter, women won’t matter.

So, focus on the bigger picture you whiney little gimp.

Onnaloves

Ahhhh I’m pretty relieved after writing that last post. Something NAILED IT inside. Everyone feels marginalized and left out. And spits out blame elsewhere. Yeh.

This is an emotional relational social construct disorder. The miasma of our collective consciousness has been fucked up with whiney little twats complaining about marginalization; and dumping it on everyone else.

Soon it becomes a domino effect. And what do we have? More polarization, more blame, incongruency, fucked up philosophies, whiney do nothing about it selfish little people projecting their relational disorder on everyone else.

Yup. That’s it.

And now I see what it is, quite frankly I don’t give a damn. Let them tussle in their own shit.

Oh and check this out:

This is a man baby feeling marginalized for circumcision and blaming women for it

Hey swap out your husband for some real dick tsk tsk tsk i mean, my threads are proving volatile because people are sooooo marginalized all of a sudden.

I’m dead

Onnaloves

steveoscar saw a reply of yours go to my inbox but was invisible here. Happened a few times.

Why does your Narc behave like every other narc? LOL they are such clones when you figure it out. My ex did exactly the same, so yes, these are malignant people that keep you in orbit to puff up their image, but use even compliments as half-arsed slaps, untill soon without even feeling the poison you become sensitized throughout like a hot oil wok being splashed with water and they love the fireworks they were quietly heating up.
That thing over on my thread, it has accused me of being transphobic now LOLOLOL. But I’m just leaving their statement dangling on the end of the thread because it’s bait. I see it as bait instead of feeling burned.
Before, every slight or insignificant accusation used to make me BURN, wether they were right or wrong -

Because I doubted myself. At the core I believed I was lower than everbody else, and everybody that could sniff it out would intentionally pour salt on it.
Because I couldn’t work people out, I didn’t trust my intuition, I _dis_believed my intuition when it came across suss people, because I had grgown up with horrible people around me as the normal. I purposely said horrible over abusive because my parents were just horrible people, and I always felt i had to work hard at being invisible around them to not displease them. it taught me that horrible was normal, and so i let horrible people IN before realising who they are - and THAT BURNS.
So going back to this “agressive decency” this act of transphobia this thing is now accusing me of in public forums. To get a rise, to get me on the defensive. I have a right to feeling angry, but becuase I KNOW I AM RIGHT. I have this arrogance inside that won’t stoop own to her/his petty nonsense.
I see it as literally AN IT. A poorly developed human being with no qualification of what it’s talking about, trying to start a fight in order to go an srcean TRANSPHOBIA. And this tactic is used by ALL primitive, disordered minds. I am literally this arrogant, I could be angry, but then I start laughing at the power I have to piss people off. Because I know the game.

Try OWNING YOUR ARROGANCE, make yourself a god compared to them. Look down on their miserable existance. This is what I o inside, an GOD IT FEELS GREAT. There is no harm in tapping into your own narcisstic power used in measure to defend yourself. It gives me GREAT PLEASURE to watch these tirades of spitting matches in volatile threads on my ART for fucks sake. Because my art was so controversial every little wincing little twat has to step up and say “BUT WHAT ABOUT ME!!!” - YOU ARE TO BLAME your intent was not pure, you are a man hater an a trans hater LOLOLOL.

My object has brought out the worst in people, and I’m letting them fight it out, it’s so… titilating to ghost them on my own thread and watch the fire of the masses come down on these little cry-baby twats.

It is hard to own your arrogance. if outwardly you have live being a mask of genuine humble inferiority. that letting these primative people constantly ding your pride starts to burn through your ears, your skin, and your brain. But, once you confirm these people are real, they are primative, and disordered - but you have a choice to rise over and out grow their disorder, you too can stand on your own narcissism.

My husband has hugh traits of this. and I am sometimes quite horrible inside towars his impediment. My arrogance is really strong these days and I do have to hold it in check. Ghosting is a method I use to antagonize and buy me some time to check myself.

Onnaloves

There is nothing like… seeing the phone Ping for another sale. Waking up in the mornings to sales. Sleeping while I sell. Other people selling me.

It’s validation that I never had before. I was right. I was right all along and they do not feel like clients or customers to me. They feel like patrons, voting with their money. Rooting for me to go on and do more work for them.

So I will. A woman wrote to me saying she felt so validated that she was being targeted as a woman, spoken to directly by a woman, that she just, had to let me know.

Suddenly, I do not feel marginalized at all right now. I feel instead, that I have complete freedom of expression as I have validated everyone’s voice. And I have never felt this before.

But every Ping on my phone is still - a gratitude that I have another patron, fighting for her voice.
And, bank manager will be very very happy and gloating over Union Bank dismissing me. He already said while he shook his head, I CANT BELIEVE THEY TURNED YOU DOWN. I feel like the lucky one! He said: an opportunity to root for this success.

So now I do have the right people around me. And now they’re offering me credit, so I think moving will be ok.

Things seem to move so fast. I don’t remember hitting a fast forward button? Is it some kind of alignment, that brings all these events together at once?

Feels weird to have achieved what I have in 6 months. No one would believe it.

steveoscar

Onnaloves saw a reply of yours go to my inbox but was invisible here. Happened a few times.

I deleted those after tagging you. Might explain the email being sent. I cant restore it though now.

I was have flashbacks. I was balancing the negatives and accounting for losses.

Onnaloves Because I doubted myself.

Onnaloves Because I couldn’t work people out, I didn’t trust my intuition, I _dis_believed my intuition when it came across suss people

Onnaloves I have this arrogance inside that won’t stoop own to her/his petty nonsense.

Onnaloves Try OWNING YOUR ARROGANCE, make yourself a god compared to them. Look down on their miserable existance.

Onnaloves transphobic now LOLOLOL. But I’m just leaving their statement dangling on the end of the thread because it’s bait. I see it as bait instead of feeling burned.

Ill take sometime to digest these though. My Aggression is currently leveling up from a little pussycat , no wonder I get burned.

Fryek

Hey J… here’s a link that Holly found during our meeting… your website and awesome ideas were being discussed… it’s great that you’re working with Insurance (health) and maybe this info might help?

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18603498/

Onnaloves

Fryek WOW FRYEK!! OMG I MISS YOU GUYS!!!
I really need to get my ass in here again. I’ve been so fucking busy on this invention I’m practically eating pussy daily.

Thanks for that AWESOME INTERESTING LINK. Totally up my street I love it. I’ll be making note of the authors and reaching out!
OMG Pass my thanks to all.

Onnaloves

Walked into the Suppliers Warehouse today, and before I’d even doused my hands with the squirty thing at the door to disinfect my hands… They were yellin at me…
I was like WHOA, WHAT? You recognize me? from outside the door?
Then I processed they were congratulatory. Shouting across the floor I was here, and literally getting their colleagues around. An I’m like - SHOCK, again. I keep getting this radiating hollow feeling of leaving my body like I’m gonna die.

And that is shock I suppose. but it was good. They lLOVED the website, and they were laughing about the crash early in the week. apparantly news spread that their new nutty client, with a crazy pussy idea, is something they were talking about for weeks.

The other thing to note, apparantly start up businesses do not generally go like this. I was a big impact and they were waiting for me to come in and get another $1000 barrel of goop. Because now, I obviously fucking need it agh!
Still freaking out like fuck. Said I’m gonna need help. They had a list of people ready for me, to come an start work like - immediately! and I was sooooo relieved. My Supplier? FINDING CRAFTSPEOPLE for me? I am so fucking amazed at the support. And then I come home an settle own after grinding all day like mad downstairs to finish these prouction molds, an FRYEK adds to the snowball of emotions I’m feeling but not quite understanding, I know it’s good. But it makes me feel weird, like I am not sure if I need a poo.

on another note, I checked back in on the facebook trans agressive decency act. and apparantly my dismissal of his contention over “made for women by women” turned me into an asshole and a prick, and they had made shares of my post amongst trans groups NOT to buy from me . LOL seriously, that’s fine by me.

I did design this for people like me, who suffer sex pain. and I don’t know an cannot know what a trans feels like down there nor am I qualifie to make claims for them.

If for example you have a reconstructed vagina, made out of inverted ball skin.. that is NOT going to feel like a vagina. There’s a difference in epithelial tissue I cannot predict nor test, nor send out for “free testing” by trans. I mean, what if the surgical tissue was ruptured while they expected it to protect them? what then?

NAH. I don’t want that kind of responsibility. So I instructed Keith to update my TOS to include DESIGNED FOR WOMEN otherwise talk to your surgeon, physician, obgyn or whatever. Because I cannot extrapolate any such claim to trans.

and trans men with a vagina? well, the enlarged clitoris makes the Nura the only one suitable to go over the dicklit, diclit, fat clit. So it is a concession I made with acknowledgement of trans men who are gonna be seahorse daddies, but that’s not why I built this business. And after this contention, I’m not exactly inspired to solve their problems, because it seems as a grouping, they are highly contentious people who could turn litigious.

And I don’t want that.

Bitter people spit venom, I do not want to service bitter chip-on-shoulder people to become the target of their blame when they can’t get off.

So, I keep my message. I won’t be neutered. I won’t give in and desensitize my language to confuse women around me. Because the other audience - quite frankly - piss me off. I am just an artist with female expression so fuck off with your sensitive anti-women, mysogynistic arrogant attitude as to how I deliever my message, business and who I serve.

Onnaloves

I HAVE HAD TO EAT MY ARROGANCE. For the first time, I realize how wrong I was, and I’ve actually been in pain from the feeling of shame that I didn’t sleep last night.

The whole event started yesterday. And I had to get this down, but I’m severely behind with a bunch of stuff including finishing the production molds, that I don’t quite have the time to go into detail now.

But I just wanted to say right now. What a fucking rollercoaster this ride has been, and that even I am so emotionally tied to my trauma, that I refuse to see others, I let them trigger me. I build my wall of arrogance and shut them out… but in doing so I am not bringing either party, women or non-binary together with a new viewpoint.

I sincerely hope I finally addressed it and corrected it. But I have some way to go, and incredibly through this drama, I have picked up amazing new friends who are not yet in solidarity together - and I must fix that which I caused. The women riled up and defended me. It spiraled out of control.

Until the Trans community in their own aggrevance together attacked me. And the stand off was so awful, that women pleaded in my inbox to stand for them, over trans. And I felt that something was wrong.

Over the course of the day, I had individual talks with many parties. This is a truly awful experience, feeling like I have to moderate a fire that I started with my own arrogance.

And now have to temper that fire, but what came out of it - is that a Trans, identified me - as Intersex.

To which I am stunned, yet somehow appreciate. That I’ve been seen somehow - for my arrogance and masculine drive, and for my feminine need to please. That somehow this particular Trans was able to get through to me, that they felt I was more like one of them than I knew, and the fact that they brought up Intersex - was huge.

I have always wanted to be a proud woman, but hide on my public profile under a mask of the male. Because it protects me, allows me to be arrogant and dismissive towards other men. And women, even treat me differently, once they know that I am woman, but somehow realize I am confusingly presenting as male.

Juliana just updated his profile. And my profile has been like that for YEARS, over a decade at least. When I decided I was sick to death of man’s assumed superiority over women, and decided to mask, confuse them, hopefully even piss them off and tell them I am just like them, especially when their sexual attraction towards me can be amusingly dented when I return the confusion with more masculinity. I LOVE confusing the shit out of men that assume dominance over me. I LOVE IT SO MUCH, that when I sense it, I gameify it. I want to see when they break and run away, thinking I’m just too fucking weird to pursue after all.

I cannot right now even consider adopting an identity as intersex LOL. But right now, I feel calm inside, to continue as I am, and know now where my place is amongst gender identity and the confusion and battle of the sexes. Maybe this Trans was right?

That I am an intersex - not physically manifested - but hormonally, emotionally, psychologically. Which explains so much, why I have some unusual masculine features. My massage therapist called me “meaty” down there, and I was surprised as he said it stood out. I hated the way I looked down there. It functions as a woman, but I have a clitoris that squirts. Not the urine but something else. And it gets really big and sensitive, so was something I inspired to add to my sculpting.

But anyway, other testosterone features in my morphology speak strongly, my unusual muscle strength, my ability to gain fast muscle mass, my unusual finger ratios, skull pyramid, inflexible sternum which I intentionally fracture from time to time. It sounds extreme, but the sternum ossifies earlier in a man than a woman, and so in order to retain flexibility, I regularly keep it mobile and occasionally it micro fractures from its ossification. It’s a feature that is well documented in male skeletons because males are the only ones that get osteoarthritis and osteophytes in their sternums.

My rib cage is more barrel shaped like a man’s, and my lung capacity matches that of a male for my stature, my deep ribs are a testosterone signature, of skeletal development with high testosterone through puberty. I developed late, started my period late.

And all these things a Trans was somehow, intuitively able to sniff out, that I was infact more than a woman and more like both. So, I feel seen. Not different. That I am more than a woman, with the arrogance of a man. I get it.

No wonder, Keith behaves emasculated around me, and has even said so himself.

Anyway, I will log the incident when I have more time. Right now, I have enormous catching up to do, from yesterdays unending war and burn up of my energy.

Onnaloves

Fuuuuuck here we go again fucking shit 🤬🤬🤬

I learned a lesson earlier to not respond and just let things sit while I think about it. But this sexuality topic is a fucking nuclear warhead.

SERIOUSLY. I have my version of the Russians and NATO and Ukraine caught in the middle.

Like facepalm. SEX PAIN SOLUTION and they all want me to fucking babysit their fucking marginalized fucking sexafuckingality???!

Jersey FUCK ok ok. I‘m mad, I’m venting here, so it’s not blowing any vessels or singeing me in my brain and ears. I’m processing at the speed of writing.. Al good… I’m in the moment, and I’m just dumbfounded how powerful writing is. That people from all walks can literally put their hand up and go: WHAT ABOUT ME?! Like a fucking pity party in reverse. Like a pity game of who’s got the biggest pity cup. Jesus.

Can someone please come and fill this fucking void for them? This is madness. Talk about everyone having confused sexuality (there’s my arrogance again) and I REALLY BELIEVE THIS. Because I’m a fucking know it all aren’t I, arrogant bitch.

I mean, I’ve experienced split sexuality right down the middle to two polarized ends. It’s unhealthy to be so torn apart and compartmentalized as a coping mechanism, because one will blow the other and you are left in a pendulum state swinging between both, the constant ravage of lows and highs takes a toll. Turns you into an emotional wreck.

Anyway. Arrogance calms me down strangely enough. There is this quote from Einstein which I really love.

I don’t know that I’m right, but I often think I am

LOL yeh that’s me. ALL OVER. but when everyone thinks they are right, is when you start a range war on social media, and this sexuality thing is just…

ANNOYING NOW I AM NOT HERE TO BE A SEXOLOGIST or therapist but here we are. God I hate people again. No stop it. You’re trying to be a better person J. Fuck why?

And why is everyone turning to me for advice and words and recognition anyway? What gives them the sincere audacity to tell me how to present my work? Huh?

Seriously it’s fucking nuclear out there and I need someone to field all of this so I can just get on and make shit. Could pay my daughters? 🤔

Onnaloves

I am still in disgust. How my intention to just do art, solve a problem, is by western standards…

Not acceptable
Offensive

I have really decided that America is a bunch of fucking busy-body, stomping over everyone else’s boundaries, insinuating, prudish, offended type of people. And I fucking hate them.

Like, I would never dare to ever intrude on someone’s business and say, “you really shouldn’t say you’re a barber shop because that’s excluding women”. I would never say to a doctor, “you really should use pronouns on your website/card/office because you’re offending me by not”

I’m really sick of it. Autistic people do it. Oh even “marginalized demonized borderlines and narcissists” have rights to say they have a mental illness and stigma (using the get out card for still being an arsehole)

As if, being an entrepreneur isn’t hard enough already, I REALLY don’t want to be good at this “serving people” RUBBISH.

It’s like labeling every bend in the road, because otherwise it’s unsafe “oh look, another sign for bend in the road” but we are just forking off gently, not exactly a bend.

There are a disproportionate number of impossible to please Americans. The fuck is this? Spoiled brat baby country? Everyone has to be coddled country? A country full of a disproportionate entitled assholes.

Additionally, I’ve been 4 days without medication, I ran out because I was so loaded up with shit, and the doctor fucked up the renewal, meaning I’m still out of drugs and he hasn’t fixed it.

So guess what’s happened?

Crashing has gotten worse. Headless chicken has gotten worse. And I mean bad. It’s not just worse but it’s worse than before. I’m practically narcoleptic by 2pm unable to move or do anything.

So NOW I’m wondering if somehow my body has adapted to the adderall and without it - I just can’t function.

OR is this the undue stress of dealing with absolute wankers. And I mean FUCKING BOLLOCK STUPID WANKERS.

On the upside. Keith is even more intolerant than I. He is like “fuck them”. And he doesn’t take any of it on board at all. He said he wouldn’t even reply. Which maybe I should have done, just never responded either way. To anyone who made a dipshit overstepping Request.

On another upside, I decided to replace the motor in my rotocaster today, I needed Keith’s help. (I lied to him it would only be a few minutes) he ended up with me the whole evening while I stripped it down, re-adjusted the axles, rod tensions, and sawed off ¼” of lugs that were catching on the frame.

I had to have Keith with me the whole time because I’m really suffering incompetent headless chicken and can’t remember what I’m doing one minute to the next. It’s bad. So Keith was handing me shit and helping me unscrew everything while I have to solder the new motor in. So, I needed the help, I knew it wasn’t going to be two minutes, but, he won’t move unless I say so. (If I said a couple hours he would have said tomorrow)

But tomorrow I am so behind on mold manufacture I need to be rotocasting all day. And keith starts nagging me when can I start pouring these orders. And I’m like not until I can rotocast as few plug molds. Then he sorta realized how all this bollicky weekend stole my productivity. Ingrates. Fucking ingrates.

So he gave me a budget to spend on direct advertising. But guess what?

I got rejected from Twitter as MEDICAL DEVICE
(I showed keith the porn readily available on Twitter so I thought it would be a sure bet,) but they dinged me for selling a medical device and wouldn’t run ads.

Then fuck Facebook, so anyway Reddit next; gues what? They emailed me just this evening and said REJECTED DUE TO OFFENSIVE CONTENT.

Which really got on Keith’s wick! Because now I can’t ADVERTISE ANYWHERE. Unless I go to pornhub.
So for pornhub I have to create… 14 advertising banners. And I don’t have the fucking time.
Fuck.

So I made a call to a PR agency, and fuck it I thought. I don’t want to do social media ANYMORE. THEY CAN FUCKING HANDLE IT.

So, I got a deal upfront, I have to pay out $750 tomorrow, and they’ll start. FUCK! I WISH my daughters were enthiusiastic enough to help out. But they are not. So this sucks. I used to have bot software, that I used to program to do all of that shit for me. But fucking no way that’s hard to look after.

So seriously fuck it. I done with social media. I just want to pay ANYONE ELSE to do it. ANYONE. God I’m so pissed. Again.

I don’t know but is my irritability way off scale lately? I think so. Like the honeymoon of infamy wore off and now everyone wants a piece of me. Yuck.

Yeh. Setting up a business. Stupid idea scoff scoff.
Anyway, maybe I really need my drugs because I’m completely fucked at the moment. Keith says he hasn’t seen me this bad in months. I’m like word salad all over, garbled speech and stuck muting again. It’s so exhausting to speak - and the crashing is so bad, like 3x a day now.

So, yeh, I think I’m worried about that. Need to speak to doc and find out if this is stress related or dependency on drugs. lol I need my drugs. I need my drugs. Omg i hate this imbalance I can’t tolerate it anymore. I have about a quarter of the speed and productivity.

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