I don’t know what I expected when this business was supposed to launch. I had a hunch it was something needed and pursued it because it was my own deep passion inside so see my imagination come to life from a place where it’s lived inside for decades.
Selfish? In a way yes. Cathartic and necessary for my healing? Yes, definitely. But also, I’ve put something out there, that has been judged, I have been judged, it’s been misunderstood. Once again I feel defensive. And the feelings of the last 10 days at least - have been utterly draining, consuming, inescapable, burning, guilty yes. I even think there is some guilt.
Maybe my device WONT WORK FOR EVERYONE.
ISNT A SOLUTION. Doubt. 1% of women attacked me. Ignorance puts me in a teacher role, parenting role. And I fucking hate that. I hate having to change people’s minds that’s salesy speak and I really don’t want to engage in that kind of pull tactic - that’s what makes me feel guilty, having to sell. When there is doubt about my product - there should be. But, then if women desperately reach for me, I feel guilty like maybe they were oversold? I feel anxious about their upcoming dissappointment.
Someone said, my device can’t work because - blah blah. And she’s not medically qualified. my device won’t work in all cases, it will work with physiology, but not all mechanics of pain can be avoided, or dissolved or heads.
So I have anxiety.
And the Trans world gives me massive anxiety, anger, reaction issues that generally feel hot, burning, that I want to avoid because it feels like gaslighting, abuse and overwriting of my intent.
So I am having bad reactions to over dramatic people who say they want it/don’t want it/boycott me and spread the word with flying monkeys because they cast me out as one of “them” instead of a human being who is traumatized and acted on moving forwards. For myself. For my future. For putting it out there in the world to whoever can see value in it.
Then defending the value of my work, what this means to me, and THAT is a BIG ISSUE. Am I right? Doubt again. NO DO NOT DOUBT! I should NOT doubt, my intention was pure.
When the package prototype maker said $200 wasn’t enough, I felt free. He was right. Leiman was right because, $200 does not cover the development time, nor the art and respect it deserves. It’s disrespectful consumeristic. Not helping me if at this margin, I’m squeezing everything I can for all the overheads -
Branding
Marketing
PR - ( I have a strategy call with them today)
Advertising channels
Social Media (ugh)
SEO, search traffic generation, keyword hype, rising the ranks for my target audience in their search for help…
Advertising budget that’s non existent.
Plus an over-demanding situation I have in my home life, that I’m really still very weak and fragile and potentially able to fall off a cliff any moment. In addition everything seems to rely ON ME. Yes, Keith has been doing budgets and organising loans and credit. It’s his ONLY full time job.
But me? Everything other than that. I asked if he could take some pressure off me and do email marketing campaigns. Nope he hasn’t done that.
(Don’t know his reasons, too busy? But I’m too busy with EVERYTHING while he bitches and moans about money while I’m in a precarious position) - plus I KNOW IN MY HEART HE IS DEAD BOLLOCKS AT ANY SOFTWARE THAT ISNT A FUCKING SPREADSHEET.
Emails - he gets confused in his own yahoo dashboard, loses threads, accuses me regularly of not sending him stuff.
Email software - wait what?
Email address - you know you can automate that and broadcast on a whole list right?
Wait - he doesn’t know how to filter and tag lists. (It’s a spreadsheet thing but he knows fuck all about anything that isn’t a string of numbers) he can’t deal with text fields. Some sort of blindness. He bitches about the sales reports - he’s unable to filter the processor out into breakout lists that verify which amount is coming from which source. He bitches. He accuses SAMCART of LOOSING OUR MONEY because his numbers don’t add up because he can’t filter text fields.
EMAIL TEMPLATE DESIGN - lol forget it he has no clue
Transactional email copy and programming of expiring links - no way - this is beyond his conception. He doesn’t understand the server rules and how to leverage them. I cannot have a normal Mxtp server for standard email marketing, it has to be html emails with tracking pixels and transactional leverage pulled from a CMS database that keeps track of opening times of offers and cookies them with a countdown and obfuscates the offer page from sharing by being ONE TIME for EACH PATRON.
I asked if he could do prep work, an essay that’s more I dunno pro- problem- -diplomatic! (My word salad sometimes affects me at the production level of speaking a layer before actual output, the concept level is understood but the word cannot be found - I say words that make do, but are wrong and subject to clumsiness and per- Des- discrimination? Seen as aggressive or offensive? Yes offensive, abrupt, tactless. I just shouldn’t be put in a position of having to react where this part of my brain shits out and dumps tactless responses)
So anyway I asked Keith to do a short essay for me, describing the trouble I’m in, so I could USE IT to refer to when I am in trouble during a response phase… ummmm wanna see what he wrote?
———————
I am keenly aware of many differences between people around me and myself. Some of whom I love dearly and others who are complete strangers. Many of the difference are philosophical; matters of the mind. While others, are based on physical distinctions. Yet, at the same time, I am keenly aware of similarities. Aspects of the other which are inherently recognizable and immediately understood.
It is up to each of us to decide how to separate the differences from the similarities. Whether to favor what we recognize more than what we find unfamiliar? Or whether to assign an equal or even a higher value in the accepting the challenge of determining values in the unfamiliar. Weigh and assess the benefits and the risks each person represents.
In the end the one thing that is a consistent measure of risk when assessing the value another person is whether or not that person possesses an urge to express unrelenting anger and to regularly choose to express it by seeking to pick a fight.
Regardless of any other positive or negative attributes wanting to pick a fight is a deal breaker.
—————/
THATS WHAT HE WROTE! I have NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT IT MEANS. THIS DOESN’T HELP ME ONE BIT. I feel worse than an impasse with my husband, who doesn’t recognize my feelings, who cannot communicate and ambassador my communication needs, when m HE COMES OUT WITH BULLSHIT LIKE THAT ⬆️ 👆 ☝️
What the FUCK is that waste of fucking speech?
So I have a strategy call with PR to FUCKING HELP ME WHERE KEITH IS SERIOUSLY NO FUCKING IOTA OF HELP. No wonder I am stressed and feeling as shitty as I am.
Is Keith this much of a serious burden? Useless? Pedantic asshole that shoves me off my own calculator to do it himself because he doesn’t trust I can use a calculator? (Can you believe this shit HE ACTUALLY DID THAT TOO ME A FEW DAYS AGO)
And he wonders why he is an arsehole of a very special kind.
Seriously. He better SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH HIS BITCH ASS WHINING when I’m on the phone to PR today. This is MY PROBLEM and I am alone in it. Because all he does is moan about money, and he has the tiniest job. He better shut the fuck up and not fuck up my directives with that “diplomatic philosophical” bullshit above ⬆️ 👆 ☝️
He loves politics, but he doesn’t know shit about dealing with people. Worse than me. So I feel fucked and really alone. Super fucked.
I integrated the shipping software.
I integrated google merchant, Etsy, email server, software.
I integrated loan valuation services (he doesn’t know, they made an offer based on my order value and growth pattern, they valued my business currently at about $50,000 which is pretty accurate, AND they even reported to me that I’m in the TOP 11% of order value for the HEALTH INDUSTRY. In other words, I am HIGHLY ATTRACTIVE TO INVESTORS.
I integrated tax calculations, tracking systems, remarketing cookie lists, analytics, SEO software, transactional email service, coupon systems, payment processors, WEBHOOKS, APIs, EVERYTHING. And he does.. what exactly? Re-read the merchant output table, write it down by HAND… inputs it into HIS SPREADSHEET the way he wants to read it (hello CSV imports? I could teach you that if you can learn it to save yourself that bullshit everyday.
But no. Apparently I do not understand his headache. So blah, I cannot help him LOL. LOL. Fucking Laff MY ASS OFF.
I think, I really feel alone, more than ever before. Yes I am drowned in fairytale levels of infamy over what I’m doing. But I feel worse than ever before. No one understands the pressure I’m handling at home, oh yeh and I have to somehow scrape everything together so we can MOVE. Huh. This PR CALL feels like my last hope.