Ducks have moved into our pool. There might be little yellow chicks bobbing around soon. How bizarre.
Things are getting ready for moving, we have found some interesting places that could work for my laboratory. Life always seems to ricochet in one direction or another with me. Maybe that’s what life is all about, to challenge you? I dunno, all of this is really tough.
I have health issues, a follow up and pathology on the tumor they removed last week. Why he didn’t just tell me over the phone bothers me. Surely if it was NOTHING they could just tell me over the phone. But no, I have to spend $300 on a followup. Anyway, apart from bitching about the health issues, (which doesn’t feel so urgent now that the chest-bursted pressure has gone from under my ribs) the only other emergency is not being able to poop past this blockage. So I’m relying on this medication to sweat poop out. Which means I can’t just fart anywhere.
I did that once after I got home, and it was disgusting. I filled my knickers up just before I managed to sit down on the toilet. So yeh, my ass is just nuclear at the moment, I’m afraid to fart incase I leak.
Which means I can’t fart in bed. And I have to get up in the middle of the night, sit on the toilet, for a fart. Just incase it’s a leaker.
Main thing is, when it leaks out like this, the pain is gone from below. So the next crisis is getting cashflow, fulfilling my orders, advertising, optimizing website, property hunting, fuck.
Oh had a zoom meeting with my ex therapy group, where we decided to stay together as a group since Mike died 9 years ago to this day. In 9 Years, two other group members died, and one… called up various members of the group bitching about me and saying she wasn’t going to turn up anymore.
And because she doesn’t show up, her husband doesn’t show up, so we’ve lost 4 members, but the weirdest was this last woman and her husband leaving. She called up a few other group members about me and it was relayed to me in group that not only did she do so, but decided to cancel herself from joining us - because of me.
I wasn’t sure what to think three months ago, when I think it happened. I think I was burned when the group spoke about it. Tracey said - yeh she called me up too to complain and I was uncomfortable.
Now apart from my behavior which must SUCK so bad that members of the group want to cancel coming if I’m there, I thought a lot about what that meant about peoples perception of me…
THEN… I thought a lot about what it would take for someone to go gossiping to other group members to try and cancel a person in some kind of ultimatum.
So this is NORMAL human behavior? And I am what exactly? TMI, Crazy? UGLY CRYING? Whining? Miserable? What is it exactly that could make me so repulsive a group member has to try and mutiny into banishing me?
You see, in three months this has affected me. Because I don’t know, I’m paranoid that maybe I am just a freaky crude, ugly cry, whingealot, TMI-make-people-regurgitate-self-centered-asshole.
But if that isn’t true, then is she the asshole? A lot of good therapy did for her to abandon the group over me. I admit, the last year from January last year, there has been such a massive change in me asking for an update every other month would be like.
BBBAMMMMMM!!!
as if you are receiving a whole lot of shit in one cross section of life. So, I have taken this to heart recently and in the last month in particular, there i things I no longer need to talk about. I no longer need to mention my growing up, or my kidnapped daughters, or my mental health issues, or even… the cancer marker.
I’m just not revealing anything now other than what’s on my LinkedIn. I think the group noticed, I hardly spoke really and they have been texting me in the last couple weeks and I’ve just said “I’m ok” which is true because all I think about is my business. Like literally nothing else matters to me anymore. Well except for somehow trying to be a mother instead of a hopeless drag.
I wonder if I will ever be able to support and mentor my daughters.
OH WAIT something just popped into my head. WHAT IF Vicki was so irritated that I’m floundering for years… and… maybe she thinks Keith has something to do with it? Like she can’t take it anymore unless she wants to have out with Keith for… not being man enough?
I mean, I’ve been through so much, and he just calmly sits through group telling them about this new project or that new project which I got for him… while I’ve been on the side most of the times a bit of a wreck, unable to do much. Hmmm
Maybe it’s BOTH OF US?
Fascinating. I really would like to know why Vicki cancelled herself after nearly 12 years of knowing EVERYONE.