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Onnaloves

Today I was busy all day in the lab after a rough night after surgery. I didn’t expect to be so rough after surgery because I’ve never experienced anything quite like it. Hip replacement was a breeze compared to this. I think with the hip replacement the surgeon is doing woodwork. Once he chunks out your dead bone and replaces it with titanium and plastic, there’s no nerves to worry about…

But last night. What the fuuuuuck. I was sweating profusely like it was insane. And I could laugh, cough, sneeze, or do anything but stay curled up in a ball. As the day wore on my guts started to scream and contract and I literally couldn’t move. So I went to bed early and that was that.

But today was a good day. I made a really nice lunch, and while I was upstairs I remembered something to Keith; remember I had an endoscopy 10 years ago? The pathology on the report said something about prolific Brunnen something. Sounded like that anyway?

Yes. Keith said. They’re precancerous cells which mean you should be tested every couple of years after. What? How did you know that? I googled he said. While you were conked out I decided to google that polypoidal mass they took out of your duodenum. It’s called a Brunner hyperplasia. It’s a tumor that can be one of three types. So let’s hope it wasn’t the adenoma.

Huh? Keith googling shit. He knew already? Lol I had literally buried all thinking about this mass in my pancreas I saw… turns out the duodenum runs through it and I was seeing the blockage in the duodenum - so it’s still a type of adenoma cancer that’s related to pancreatic, in the worst case scenario… but, in the best case, I’m on alert, this could grow back, and I might just have to get an endoscopy every 2 years to keep an eye on it.

Still kinda shocked actually that there was a tumor after all. That I wasn’t imagining things and that I was actually right… which brings me to the second larger mass behind my uterus which is not so good either. This one is wrapped around nerves and arteries, and is going to be difficult. Fuck.

My best hope, is that, they are not related at all.

Adenomas are an endocrine based cancer that travel through the fatty tissues, usually downward not upward. Melanomas and schlerotic cancers travel upward using the blood and lymph. Hmm but, I’m just gonna hope this upper mass was the main one and not the other way around.

Even though I know the next one is larger, and more wrapped up in shit. I’m really not looking forward to this fecalometry test. Shitting in an MRI is going to be near impossible for me. I now have meds that make it dead easy to shit without any spasms. I just take that medication and let it run out of me 2 hours later as it liquifies. Lol.

Such a Relief.

Yup I’m fucking tired now, and this strange hollow feeling I have of no longer being blocked up. I literally can’t remember when I felt normal. It just feels like I have a massive ulcer now. Not so bad. It’s a relief with this kind of burning sensation to not feel the inescapable pressure, burping and gagging.

I hope I sleep well tonight am not ruin the bed in sweat like I did last night.

Onnaloves

Holy shit. I did a livestream on Reddit and had 1300 viewers. Free advertising?!!

This was intense. I was trying to get on with my work and there were constant questions. Nothing like YouTube live or Twitter or Instagram live. This is shit people are genuinely curious about. I was floored at the amount of traffic I generated. So it might be an interesting thing to do every other day? Make a bit of a routine out of it?

I’m really starting to like Reddit. If you have a special interest then you suck up Karma. And similarly people who just browse and don’t really contribute don’t earn much.

I googled what Keith was looking at today. The polypoidal mass looks horrific, it could literally be anything. However, because I’ve had these Brunners lesions for a while, it must be related to that, and it’s so rare, it’s related to stomach cancers, pancreatic cancers etc.

I was thinking about the lesions they picked up 10 years ago, and I haven’t been monitored since. Because those records were never imported into my cedars Sinai file. So that’s bollocks already. On second look at the CT scan, the radiologist missed it, but it mostly occluded bothered the pancreas and the duodenum, which is why I haven’t been digesting food.

It’s literally unbelievable to eat and feel like food is dropping down my cake hole into a bottomless pit. Whereas before… even the smell of food would start to make me feel a bit full.

Today I forgot I took the medication and I farted a load of poop into my knickers. I really mustn’t do this leaving the house. Or on a live stream.

I’ve been making slow sales, and spamming the fuck out of the internet trying to get established on Google. But it’s so tiring. I really feel so overburdened with the whole thing. Business start up, productivity, promotion, cancer diagnosis, house moving. I feel totally wrecked.

But at least I can eat, even though fuck me this really feels like an ulcer in my gut. It’s so amazing to me that this point was exactly where I showed the doctor and he said it was nothing… until the specialist said otherwise. I was shocked once again when he poked me right there and I thought I was going to throw up again.

And it was such an amazing relief when he pointed to that same location on my chest and told me he removed a polypoidal mass. Like. I know my body right?

Anyway I’m beat up and gonna settle down and watch a movie.

Onnaloves

So I’ve been testing out all the livestream platforms, and Reddit is killin it. 1300 viewers and HUNDREDS of comments. It’s a wholesome crowd that is genuinely interested in learning something new. And each time I did a Reddit livestream, I made a sale…

So holy shit this works.

And all I’m doing is working, or playing in my lab however you look at it. Funniest question: where do you cook your food if your Kitchen is now a full on Lab? Me: on a hot plate, upstairs. I live like a student lol.

I need to go back and award that person for noticing my life is upended.

GOOGLE CALLED ME TODAY. LIKE ACTUALLY. An hour on the phone. They are giving me their own specialist to BUILD ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS FOR ME!!!!

Wtf! Honestly, I didn’t think they would get back to me. I wrote an email and complained I was being restricted because my target audience was women/sexual interests, and I was being labelled as a sex toy which added insult to injury. Then they GIT ON THE FUCKING PHONE WITH ME. They agreed. I should be able to target women, so he went through my ideology, recorded, wrote down notes, and he was really fucking cool despite not knowing ANYTHING about womens sex pain, or bad dragon toys. It was REFRESHING to educate a young man from zero to hero, who actually agreed my product represented a huge untapped market.

He said to me. How long will it take you to get to 20 molds for full capacity? I said another month? Well I think we can easily send you 400 sales a month…

So we agreed on campaign prices, numbers, ROI. And they are even giving me a dedicated coding expert to make sure I set up the tracking correctly because honestly I’ve pasted so many tags everywhere it’s driving me nuts.

All I have to do, is click on accept when they prompt me with an email, and they will take over my account and build shit out for me.

I’ve been struggling with this alone for a fortnight. And GOOGLE SAVES MY ASS? Like WTF? So they build everything from tomorrow, and hopefully I can just livestream from the lab without having to think anymore about social media campaigns.

This was so unexpected! Fucking GOOGLE? Helping me? You should have heard him doing the calculations though when he saw the money flowing through the back-end of the target market. The entire solution range being aimed at women… is CREAMS. I am the ONLY ONE, with an innovative product solution. So based on the amount of traffic being BOUGHT from Google on those search terms alone, he said there’s plenty of opportunity for me to take up the segment with little competition. And with that, after asking about scalability, just offered to put one on one their own people to build my campaigns, I just agree the budget. How fucking cool is that.

Can’t believe I landed that.

Then a young man wrote to me desperate to help his fiancé, he told me of her specific condition and was too afraid to reveal himself on the livestream, so he showed his fiancé and they were both watching and just wanted to BUY IT. So I get emails from GUYS who want to help their women and their relationship.

This was astonishing to me. That guys will walk in on my livestream, and pull their partners into it. Like, livestreaming REALLY IS a one-on-one experience where I just put myself out there with no shame, reveal the reason I do this, and let whatever comes happen. It’s tough at first, people ask so many questions, but then the excited ones start to help me out by answering other peoples questions who drop in. And the unanimous voting system means I always float to the top of that moment, because my lab is so fucking weird.

No one has seen this shit before. My hamster space-training machine. Goop pouring and injection. They just find it peculiarly mesmerizing and not only stuck around but award me coins that boost my karma.

I could get used to this. Like no one comes on a livestream to bitch. Not like YouTube. They just don’t stick around they don’t troll. The groups on Reddit are so specific, it’s great to see who ventures into my feeds and make note of their background interests.

I am happy in this life. My stomach ulcer sensation even feels much bearable today.

Oh - and my brother wrote LOL. God he’s so fucking flip-flop. He saw the notification I had put up about surgery. And he wanted to know if he was losing his onesan 🤣 I said NOPE. You don’t get rid of me that easy!

My brother is a disordered personality. Like mother. I don’t know if this is a Chinese thing because I sensed it before in community gatherings, like a sort of under tension, of keeping group appearances or something, but everyone seems so strung out underneath. Like you can feel the room has dagger eyes at the mongrel kids me and my brother. And at my mother. And the emotions lidded up feel violent and judgemental even though no one speaks a word.

That is how I’ve always felt in the Chinese community, judged and whispered about. Until, on my own, I would spend time in Chinatown just sucking up nuances around me, anything I could observe to make me feel… at home and comfortable again. Like a nostalgic comfort of childhood, this was my alien family that did not know me. And I felt invisible among them, but soothed by the scent in the air, the occasional viscious remark across stall holders (I still understand some snitty bitchy stuff). I am comfortable around their crazy emotions, because that is what my mother was to me all the time. Somehow, feeling the ruckus in the Chinese market stalls, was enough to make me feel at home in my heart again. The wives bossing the families around, the husbands deferring to their wives. It’s literally so fucking predictable.

How did I even get onto this subject I wandered into?

Oh. MANNY. The guy that assaulted me which I have never acknowledged really until now. For some reason, MONTHS AFTER. I am mad at him. In a different way. For putting me in the “fuck zone” and destroying our friendship by a slip of his fingers. Like HOW did I let that happen?

I fixed his back, and he wanted to return the favor. But, when I took the opportunity to get some back relief… he just worked his way… until I was just too stupidly shocked and blocked up mentally to do or say anything.

And the next day when I blew him off. He realized he lost 10 years of friendship just like that but never even apologized. COWARD. i was assaulted by my best friend? What the fuck.

I remembered the times in China town with him, over many years. And I was just pissed today thinking about it. But right now, it feels like closure - somethings happened in me that I know the fuck zone well enough now to calm it for what it is. SOMETHUNG HAPPENED in me to make me realize, I AM THE ONE IN CONTROL NOW.

I won’t be a victim again. I know what it’s like and I won’t go there anymore.

Onnaloves

@steveoscar I read your message somewhere about gurus to follow regarding business insights, and actually that made me think a lot that it’s a useful thing to know where to start. For example if I was teaching my daughters and encouraging them to start businesses of their own - which I WOULD DO, if they had the respect to even listen to me, which they don’t. Not that I’m complaining, as much as I have to give them in experience and advice, all advice seems to be unwelcome to them right now because they are in that much trouble.
But supposing they lived with me, and had no troubles to deal with; I would take them to masterclasses and dance class first. To lead social skills and learn to make friends - in a skill-improving environment. I’d send my eldest immediately to acting school, JUST TO EXPLORE personalities, scripts, working with people, how attitudes can block your progress etc. i did acting masterclass in a two week trip to america. I booked it with a company called Industry Hollywood. During those two weeks I was ferried around Studios, producers, casting agents, acting agencies, rehearsals, acting coaching, and actual auditions for on-screen work.

I was offered a role on Stargate the television series because they said I had a weird look and would suit an alien. But I never took up the role, the point was I had learned how to mimic every personality and attitude so well, I was being offered jobs.

So yeh acting masterclass is like the speed way of inserting yourself into culture and learning how to think and what attracts westerners. You can capitalize on your Asian as I did, because we are super-stereotyped and seen as savant/assets.

Then, learning business to me was partially natural, but mainly THE TOOLS. Once you have tools you can figure out how to sell anything. Even online courses and videos and resellable things that drip money in while you sleep. For this, I used the CHEAPEST merchant system I could find: SamCart.com

They are literally SO SIMPLE, whenever I have an idea, I launch the page in a day and see if it grabs interest or sales. I have a few websites now that constantly make sales and money while I sleep. The others not much it’s $20-$50 here and there but it covers the cost of Samcart for a whole year.

Next you need to know how to leverage your “masterclass of acting” to create a presence and put yourself out there. I’ve always hated it. But if I create the image people want to aspire to - of just being PRODUCTIVE all the time, then I earn traffic. I don’t need to spam and link drop. I just have to stay productive, and the best people I follow on Instagram are Chinese Jewellery Makers funny enough. Their videos are really good templates on things they learned specific to their craftsmanship. I even follow some village girls who work in the open all day and share their cooking, nature, pets and how they even build furniture. The Chinese are so productive they are nice to follow and I can relate to this very easily as I’m always producing.

Finally, in terms of “selling as a skill” good tricks and things I’ve learned, they have all come through PAID GURUS who I no longer pay anymore but have spent $9k in one go to fast track me into building funnels online. This involves a hook video, then booking to a webinar, then using the webinar as a sales pitch but focus on educating people about why they are still stuck or having problems. Making it out to “not be their fault” and they are hooked and book a meeting with you.

Then the meeting is usually a $300 sale, leading to further extractions now they are on my lists.

And for this $9k, I learned how to build everything, how to make hooks, how to book meetings, how to let the whole system run automatically in a funnel and drive people through an education funnel during which they are told “it was not their fault blame the system” and about 13% come through this and become serious leads.

It’s the same with the traffic on my website. Of course if you don’t have the money to spend on gurus, you have to learn a lot of this yourself but it’s not impossible. Samcart has a great back-end tutorial system on how to make funnels and upsell and keep pumping people through a remarketing loop. Unfortunately in this day and age of internet noise, it’s the only way to sell.

Hope this helps, for me this was a useful question because I know exactly how I would deal with my daughters should they ever take me up on mentoring or being the mother I wanted to be. But right now… they are in so much trouble it’s hard not to feel utterly useless as a mother who can’t provide for them. Which is why they are so recluse. They only reach out when they want money and the last bit I scraped together came out of my advertising funds, so I’m adding even more pressure to my business and this really sucks.

Livestreaming is the alternate way of educating customers into a hook, it’s not so targeted, but the interactions on being a genuine person trying to solve a problem and being onscreen and reachable answering questions that make the audience feel VALIDATED is a trust hook. They simply won’t go anywhere else and will always spread the word for me. Which is all I’m relying on right now.

steveoscar

Onnaloves oh.. I thought I asked stupid question.. so I cut them off most of the time.. I really dont know how it will be received at the other end..and some are really awkward qs..

I understand, I was surprised too when I saw some courses working in my country…Leads come from all places at different times… Maybe I can start an experiment …on my engineer niche haha.. other than education one… I am at now..
Foolish me thought web engineering was a waste of time…why not take law…haha.. I guess I never bothered to explore this.. (Lying Inner Critique the voice of Devil)

steveoscar

Onnaloves . Not that I’m complaining, as much as I have to give them in experience and advice, all advice seems to be unwelcome to them right now because they are in that much trouble.

Yes, I see sometimes I ask my brother to do stuffs that I wasnt able to accomplish.. I gaslight myself if I had the knowledge I wouldnt have made such an awful mistake…. Then I slow down and I look for consent ..at first… before I offer anything.. Shoot… I just remember I didnt decide nor take Productive Action after hearing others advice… I must accept others.. feedback as viable and useful too.. Let the feedbacks turn into gold rather than memory…

Onnaloves To lead social skills and learn to make friends - in a skill-improving environment.

thats my longings.. which I guess I can provide for my childrens in the future.

Onnaloves , JUST TO EXPLORE personalities, scripts, working with people, how attitudes can block your progress etc. i did acting masterclass in a two week trip to america.

Glad its in your childrens life.

Onnaloves he others not much it’s $20-$50 here and there but it covers the cost of Samcart for a whole year.

Useful Info… Multiple ways to cover up attrition cost.

Onnaloves . But if I create the image people want to aspire to - of just being PRODUCTIVE all the time, then I earn traffic.

Youve also studied a lot..solving so many problems from bone disease that is a wow… I can say your resilience is no one Ive ever seen… I read in a book that at the slightest ariving of challange people quit.. I was one of them… but really youve done it… Im complaing that CPTSD was the worst in the world… even though I found the Deef… cutting off my therapist needs…lol… yup I am spoiled brat… too much has been given… to me… I gotta cut complaining…

Onnaloves learning by following others who leapt before you.

Onnaloves You’re actually being pretty smart about it, learning by following others who leapt before you.

Ill remember Juliana was the first to say to me I am smart..😍😍😍 That is sweet.

Onnaloves

steveoscar you have never asked a dumb question lol. You’re actually being pretty smart about it, learning by following others who leapt before you. At least that’s the way I look at it.

I was in the acting masterclass with no intention other than to learn the film industry, for a place as an engineer. I’m good at productiom, I’m good at making things, I just didn’t know where to be. And the masterclass was really cool because as an engineer, they were like “wait so you’ve never done acting before? You’re good!” Which was true. I had no intention of ever being an actress but I knew the masterclass would have guest symposiums by directors, producers, agents that I could directly ask face to face, how I would get in touch with them, or how I would get into the industry as a creative engineer in production. For example I always wanted to make a dinosaur suit. With pneumatic legs. And robotic controlled facial hydraulics.

It was a fairytale dream for me. I would still do it now but for this new business venture.

Then a director gave us the chance to ask him ANYTHING. So I asked, How do I get your job? Supposing I wanted it? I mean seriously I meant it. I wanted to know how to get to the top. And he replied the best advice that has stuck with me ever since:

Follow someone that gives you inspiration at the top of their career… then go backwards and find every stepping stone they took to get to that place. And copy it like a road map. For example, most directors in Hollywood are actually BRITISH, so figure out how you stand out from Americans and use it, the same way I did and the guy was an ordinary man from England with a pompous attitude, but the Americans found.. directional.

From there I decided to follow every costume designer from batman. And made friends with them on FB. Still to this day! One of my friends was the lead costume designer for Batman, and he is currently stuck in China on a project but the focus restrictions means he’s totally stuck. He has shared me his whole life tips. So I followed in his footsteps and decided to leave UK, and just get a gig at a film studio anywhere that would have me. Just to be in the film studio environment and figure out who’s job I wanted.

The problem was I was having a great time, and when I got to America, shit was so scary I got a job immediately in marketing. Which fucked me up and took me off track. I went even further off track emigrating to Austria, but the funny thing is, in light of all this globe hopping, I realize I’ve had quite an illustrious career. I’ve probably experienced more diverse work opportunities than anyone could do in 5 lifetimes.

But that’s what it’s like as an Independant life-hacker. I have always made a target on someone in the back of my mind and mimicked their skill, presentation, or secret attraction to gain the same access they had. And it has always worked. So I can truthfully say, these acting masterclasses are worth it for the $2k investment. I got treated like a back end VIP carted around studios, meeting every level of film hierarchy; and this is the creative industry I should have stayed in. But instead I ended up in fucking office work that fucking castrated me. Burned out my strength. Etc.

Now, I’m doing livestreams on Reddit, and I literally cannot believe I’m up to 2,300 viewers already - because for whatever reason, they think I’m special and have something they don’t. In reality I am squatting in a delapidated house, eating food warmed on a hot plate. And using the entire kitchen as my lab. I live like a student, I am untidy and unkempt and barely hygienic. (I’m getting much better but I struggle with my inner slob, I never have enough energy and am too easily distracted)

At least I’m getting dressed everyday but I go days without changing clothes, or brushing hair and I am literally not ashamed of a thing. I’m in my den doing shit that makes me happy, talking to people and just feeling of worth somehow to society.

I could not talk a year ago!

I still swear my $2k investment into a trip to US masterclass industry Hollywood, was the best thing I ever had the balls to explore. I’m shy in actual real life and would never be an actress, but the reconnaissance I got from that slog of a mission was incredible. And the mimicking skills came up o the surface as an unknown skill, all the other “trained actors” saw me as competition.

Even now I consider doing it all over again, and going to comedy classes, or improv classes. Throwing myself into shit I know I fucking hate, just to burn myself infront of everyone and suck up everyone’s reactions, strategies, personalities and integrate those things as my own.

It’s a really weird skill. I do not know where it comes from or if there is a word for it. But I have always been known in the workplace for mimicking gestures, expressions and mannerisms of other people just for laughs. It somehow helped break bread with people. But I felt my whole life was acting as I did not know who I was in any of it - until now.

Onnaloves

steveoscar I just remembered the word: “IMPERSONATION” that’s what I do so well. Sadly my daughters don’t really have me in their life so can’t reap the benefits of my direct mothering.

I have been ashamed about it all my life because I was never able to provide for them - even after I tried everything and got gigs wherever I could.

Now I realize the education thing is not that important. It’s your deep passions that must be nurtured. If someone were to tell me now that I had the chance to repeat life - I would not do the engineering degree maybe? I would just go muck-in at the entry level of craftsmanship. Machine shops. Plastic product works. And do practical things. Screw the corporate world. Education is a factory for creating corporate robots. No one thinks that they can get a degree and just go off on a tangent.

We are all inbred with the desire to “find a job after a degree”. Whereas, now, what’s more important is sucking up education that supports your passion, and allows it to come out in a way that enhances your life being able to contribute back to society.

Unfortunately both my girls are in runaway mode. And only reach out for money. I’m overstretched, and neither think to help me. They were not brought up right by those hillbillies. There is a certain respect missing from their attitude in life which I can’t blame them for, but I have no means to instill from 6,000 miles away.

I taught myself to be a chameleon. Blend in whatever “class” I found myself in. Humble myself. Respect discipline and determination. All these traits are missing from my daughters and I’m really sad about it. I’m well studied just because I enjoy studying. But I’m not going to pay for a degree to get a job I don’t want. So by applying my art, knowledge, skills together I can be productive and just find a way.

I have the skills to be chameleonic and blend in, or act a role that I have learned through acting masterclasses to get a foot in the door. All you need is a foot in the door, someone to give you an interview not necessarily for a job, but for a connection say on LinkedIn you might use later. I know how to speak their speak so it’s not hard to pitch or bait for a conversation by messaging. That’s my foot in the door.

Onnaloves

Ugh. So took a break fro pouring to make a sandwich then carry on. My social media has blown up again on the old range war between trans and women again. I’m not even gonna bother getting involved this time even though the trans are spitting venom at me, calling me transphobic as fuck etc.

Let them. They seal their own case. Horrible people.
I’m not the sort of person to complain about pink tools for women, or using a man’s razor blade. These people are just looking for a fight.

Of course it still burns when I pick up the phone to something nasty. But the way I look at it now; there’s about 4% of the internet that just wants to shit all over you to vindicate themselves of whatever self deficit they have and blame it on others. Inside I’m thinking; how insecure this person must be, to dig up a product like mine and slander me for saying women-centric things. How bratty and insecure and uncomfortable must this person be? Yup, incapable of maturity. And there’s a lot of them that will never grow out of it. AT LEAST 4%.

The ratios are probably higher on YouTube. More like 70% of the comments I experience there are the worst from people. But all my filters are on now so I don’t even bother to look.

Onnaloves

I create opportunity… then I see it germinate, and foster it. So I’ve been enjoying these livestreams so much, that people are really starting to help out while I work, soldering tips. Solving a power gradient problem I was experiencing… wow.

And while I was explaining shit I was doing and why it went wrong, people were sucking that shit up. Because im not afraid to make mistakes and make loads in abundance while im livestreaming .

So guess what? A producer SAW ME doing that shit online, fell in love with my presentation and voice whatever, and asked me if he could keep me on the Rolodex for casting in a sci-fi tv show, hosting as some narrator… here, in Los Angeles 🤣🤣🤣

The weird shit that happens to me. It’s like I actually MAKE SHIT HAPPEN. Go with the flow and help it carve a way forward for me. Shakin my head lol

steveoscar

Onnaloves Go with the flow and help it carve a way forward for me.

I kinda understand the power of going with the flow… It like trying to build - or add extra layers .. to the current product of service your providing… Use every opportunity…you get to climb…to the sky..

Onnaloves

steveoscar I’ve realized the power of “social journaling” or forum journaling or whatever. It’s like reinforcement therapy for someone like me, but without self censorship, inner critic. I have found that I rarely if ever criticize myself, and I wonder if that is blindness, arrogance or lack of self awareness. But reading back what I regurgitated feels… like evolution.
That without attempting to find words everyday - I would have no words. And now that I am expressing them somewhere, rather than nowhere, my thoughts can take shape faster and affect the direction of my dreams, and therefore how I feel or “my emotions”
I’ve noticed over the last three months, I have become less tolerant of the intolerant, and just more comfortable being. I’ve realized that I don’t have to rise up to every challenge and waste my energy by burning, thinking about it, or imagining what I would say.
My energy saving has improved, and is devoted to more focus instead.
The livestreams are a direct result of this forum. I would not have the “script” in my head had it not been for journaling. And having the flow of words come out, and people feel like they are excited by how I view and explain things, is mutually a powerful tool.
I’m earning ally’s everywhere. It’s without realizing, that I found my voice. And now being offered more opportunity to use it. However, I’m sharing my project online just because it’s a passion and an easy way of getting word out there for free.
I regularly pull a crowd of around 2K a stream, today I had 5k viewers.

It’s on a huge curve, I don’t know where it’s going, but it’s free awareness campaigning. And I’m talking to men and women, about subjects that are at the core of a deep social wound on both sides.

Men are asking me how to get more women in STEM. What would I suggest? Etc. i ckearly said there would be no change in this, unless there was a culture change driven by the top of society. The rest would trickle down. Soo, there will never be a gender equity in this system and culture. Not in my life time. The only way a woman can find equity is to work independently.

But the same thing goes for all marginalized people and those that are traumatized. The point is, society just isn’t very caring. I never want to work in the bullpen again.

steveoscar

Onnaloves I’ve realized the power of “social journaling” or forum journaling or whatever. It’s like reinforcement therapy for someone like me,

To me its like some lost parts, of myself comming back even my bad parts of assertiveness, and stability, suddenly I hear the voice that is not just criticising myself or others.. It makes me feel loving..

Onnaloves I regularly pull a crowd of around 2K a stream, today I had 5k viewers.

Congrantulations
.

steveoscar

Onnaloves I’ve realized the power of “social journaling” or forum journaling or whatever. It’s like reinforcement therapy for someone like me,

Onnaloves I’ve noticed over the last three months, I have become less tolerant of the intolerant, and just more comfortable being. I’ve realized that I don’t have to rise up to every challenge and waste my energy by burning, thinking about it, or imagining what I would say.

Wow.. Me too. Being present in the moment … and trusting the gut instinct. Wow some triggers have been desensitized… I suck at remaining in present moment..

Onnaloves

Kind of a shitty day of stress. Actually made me feel nauseous.

Google called me and spent an hour on the screen share with me building campaigns. I got my own dedicated specialist hehe.

Anja called me about quitting her job, getting two interviews the same day, taking late shift on a cleaning job because it pays more temporarily while she hunts elsewhere…

So I said: well the most money you can actually make in a cleaning job is if you work as a cleaner in a strip bar, because as you collect glasses and wipe tables and chit-chat with the guys, they tip you and you don’t even have to strip-

OOOOH MUM I WANT TO BE A STRIPPER!!!

Nahhhh trust me you make more money with tips at the strip bar for talking to guys. And besides, save the strip work for OnlyFans, cuz that earns you money while you sleep…

MUM YOU ARE THE BEST EVER! I’m going to the strip club tomorrow!

Anyway, she seems happy, and even more happy that I’m not telling her to not strip while she can use it. See, when I was a bit older than her I did Domming. So I know what it’s like in a way. And I’d rather she do things with my blessing and tell me, than hide shit from me.

The other problem is, is that I never grew out of showing my butt off. And eventually people in the workplace hated my ass so much they presumed I got the job (rightly so) because I was a girl who the boss fancied. So I was bound to piss everyone off. And I didn’t figure that shit out until I was 44. Too bad I didn’t learn that and burn through it all at Anja’s age, where I would have probably learned better to keep my life more professional than fucked up butt hanging out of mini-belt skirts.

I’m an idiot. I only learned how to grow the fuck up because my daughters need to survive.

steveoscar

Just found out without grounding , to present environment….flashback Its almost instantly takes me to the past….and I react as if it was happening in the past… This time the emotions flow… Then I come back to present….Its been 1 year to that memory.. The grief was so intense… but I had language…to the pain..
Its these intense flashbacks plus intense grief and sadness that cause me to say stupid things.. I should just send a journal…rather that to the person.. … Grief is an indication of stopping…This I know.Continuing activity during grief is dangerous…

This is true though the world doesnt give a fuck about trauma… But thats okay too…I love the belief My life is not as important as others work….So Im starting to accept thats its okay for others not comfort me…its not their job…eitherway..

Onnaloves

steveoscar gosh this is a result, progress! To be honest I rarely cry, maybe once a year on odd years. But that’s because I don’t get emotive about anything, and sometimes my body just forces it out. The fact that you are breaking through the grieving process in a year, makes me kinda envious.

After the initial breakdown, I was grieving a lot, but totally stuck and couldn’t move forward from the utter disaster I was in. This lasted two years, and then I found Deef in my third year, after being perplexed that I clearly wasn’t improving even though I managed to stop “grieving” and being stuck in the past.

Now I’m at the three year mark, I still haven’t grieved. The was one incident I did maybe 10 months ago? When somehow I was vindicated of a secret I’d been holding for decades…

I remember how that shook me and what a relief that was. But it’s the only time I’ve grieved and not about the abusive relationship but something else.

I’m really glad you gave me a milestone! Not that it’s good for me to compare myself but I simply don’t know how much I’m fucked up from abuse - or how much my coping mechanisms and Autism set me up for stupid decisions and failure. To this I feel sad, that I wasted time…

I have noticed one thing though… because I’m so busy now, I do not feel that I wasted any time and I actually feel stronger for all the crap I went through… as if, I reached a place of knowing. The BIGGEST change now in the way I feel is that I’m no longer angry and blaming the past for stealing my future (fantastical thinking/unreasonable fantasy with said abuser )

It’s like now I really see these “ex-relationships” as just delaying me, avoiding the truth of my own capabilities, avoiding self-responsibility, setting up the other person for blame. I also see, and this is the fascinating part- how each one of those bad relationships… were false ideals. Those people, really aren’t a match for me. They shared none of my interests or goals, I was simply their tool And still I don’t grieve, haven’t grieved? I don’t get it.

I don’t get why I haven’t grieved. And why I did grieve once about someone actually vindicating me of a secret. I remember the day I felt it like a big black creature and all it’s weight of poison… shuddered out of my body. That’s kinda how I feel about it, grieving made something leave my body. Almost like a possession, that was now cast out of its hold over me.

I wonder if it’s a good idea to imagine grieving is exactly that - what demons have left your body? This feels actually right for me. And I haven’t experienced grief since. Well except the day I believed my daughters didn’t give a shit about me. Oh yes that fucking hurt.

steveoscar

Onnaloves and this is the fascinating part- how each one of those bad relationships… were false ideals. Those people, really aren’t a match for me. They shared none of my interests or goals, I was simply their tool And still I don’t grieve, haven’t grieved? I don’t get it.

Its like letting go… and let grief do its work, there were no force its like letting the heart do what it is made to do… to feel sad due to the Loss of Love…. It involve the other person but in a way I reject the lies you made me believe about myself.. I give those back to you… these were not me….Its like letting the heart wanting / freeing to love again…Its also accepting some of my codependent traits as beautiful.. but for the wrong person.

steveoscar

I just deleted 2 comments after the one you saw, maybe Ill leave it here…as I think that it is appropriate… I just written a message to the person to skip the message Ive sent….as he wasnt the professional to deal with this….

Deleted Messages
Damn it I just blamed the narcs for my weakness…It feels so weak… I must learn how to defuse each and every trauma memory…. and into belief/ potential… to feel bad about it because that happened. Making up something good… for those memories…I just cant lose my composure anymore…. publicly…
I know no one cares>>
but I care… so Ill write journals… I see too much emotional cues… And men some weakness.. we deal with stuffs through fights… or masculanity… we hate to show any weakness.. yes … that is true…i must accept things that are not right….too… just learn to kill all my wishes and give in to reality…
I hate to cause tantrum that leads to nowhere..

I must learn to cause tantrum in my journal…

It is dangerous to cause tantrum…………………… in society…..Ill lose my reputation…

The last thing I want to have is cause tantrum in public…. oh thats the only power I have then… tantrum and reputation attack…

Yesterdays tantrum…. was my inner critique become protector… thinking it was happening now…and started tantruming…I wonder if inner critique is same … How can I stop from tantruming… emotions are so intense… \

Maybe I can have stooges where ill share online hiding my true identity… someone online knows what happened… like social journalling…darn scrap the idea…

I guarantee that my inner critiique is commenting now Steve , Your a sore and a weak loser.. I asked why , It says because you have spoken your mind… and it might not be received well, it might cause you to be attacked later on…in the future.. Why I am so scared of the narcissist because he has the ability to hurt me….while if i hurt him,,,Im afraid he will get aggresive… oh dear…

Ok So as a summary I broke the rule…. And have reframed that the Narcissist doent have the ability anymore to hurt me…. adding reasons and shaking off the panic… Im less scared of the narcissist now…

Onnaloves its really one of the most intense grief… I ever felt… The previous were mini griefs , were tiny ants… compared to this one… This one just fully grief emotion …and pain was really visceral next morning….yes relief was like Ive come back from a 6 month vacation… I really feel that I have finally managed to let go a lot… I really dont want to have any revenge against him anymore.. I am capable of protecting myself… now and not be scared of him anymore…funny thing there were also no face when I blamed the person, i just accepted him as a worthless person..who didnt deserve to be in my life.

Tips… I played a sad Hindi song during the grief… and it started the emotion to flow out… Some of the lyrics were… why did my heart make these choices ,how innocent we were before how I can live without you… how I can I not live with you now oh my love… every dreams have been shattered… Beloved O my beloved …

I feel the emotion of Love, freed to be given to another person who deserved it..

Onnaloves

steveoscar oh that was really beautiful! Yes the same thing! My ex, really didn’t know me he had no idea of my real passions and interests, and overwrote “our time” with whatever he wanted to do so there really was no consensus or debate or discussion about my dreams. I simply adopted his to fit into his life - that’s what hurt. Like being eclipsed and realizing there was no need to sacrifice what I wanted for his needs.

Additionally… I still have some really ugly behaviour I am trying to control… next post ugh

Onnaloves

ONG it’s Friday and I didn’t know. What happened? I’m really struggling here to get the new molds up and running so I’ll be working solid through the weekend.

Today google called and built my campaign up for me over the phone and they will take over optimization. I have my own Google strategist 🤣🤣🤣 I feel so relieved they are taking over! She was over excited on the phone because she had an exciting product TO SELL. So she was really very excited.

I’m exhausted beyond belief. No weekend for me.
I have no choice.

Hmmm speaking of ugly behavior I happened to be ugly two or three times this week. Getting in a total row with Keith. All throughout social journalling I’ve been indulging myself, it’s all about me. No one else. But I feel like such a fucking idiot because on the day of surgery last week - I got UGLY. I had been fasting for 48 hours and I was Hangry. I was bewildered and struggling to speak. And Keith took me to the hospital up ten flights and long passages… and didn’t know which office we were supposed to go to. Because he forgot the appointment slip with all the info on it. And since he kept the papers anyway because I’m an absolute twat when it comes to losing receipts and stuff, we’ll he’s a control freak anyway.

So we wandered all around floor ten with me dragging behind. No phone signal while I was in the building… Keith then decides to go to the Twin Tower, across the courtyard… so we went back down the elevators straggled across the courtyard to exactly the same building East Tower 10th floor. Once again, no marked office, I’m near passing out. And Keith is stalking along like the emperor while I lag behind somewhat utterly confused. I did everything I could to prepare. I was not allowed to take my medication, because it messes with the anesthesia, I was definable hypoglycemic, hangry, pissed off as fuck now, because now - I’m late for my check in and being forced to tramp around by the emperor in an ungodly mood himself but also being a complete helpless twat.

I managed to get a phone signal in between the two hospital towers and called the office - no one answered so I left a message to call me back immediately because I don’t have my appointment details on me.

By the third crossing of the courtyard, I WAS MEGA PISSED. And I was screaming down the phone at the asnswer machine because - NO ONE WAS PICKING UP. And I was late for check in. Entirely my fault, because had I had kept that piece of paper, I would not be dragged around on low blood pressure, hypoglycemic and about to pass out.

But I was NOW FUCKING MAD AND UGLY ON THE PHONE MESSAGES.

I waited in the courtyard while Keith was fuming and blaming me for not taking my appointment slip which he kept for me. He was the one that decided to drag me up and down towers and across courtyards everywhere looking for floor ten. It would have been quicker to knock on every fucking door on floor ten.

WANKER.

So anyway, that was my ugly moment before surgery. There was another one last week. And I think there was one today. I gave Keith the FUCKING UGLY STARE like I was about to scream at him. My google dashboard on my PC is showing me data, but my phone is. And you know what NUMBNUTS SAID?

Well we won’t pay Google until they FIX THEIR DASHBOARD.

I shot him the angry look. Severe. Fucking. Don’t get me started look. I knew I was going to blast him but I held it in. He saw. With JUST A LOOK he started defending himself. I had totally had enough of his arrogance sometimes.

“We won’t pay Google until they fix their dashboard?” Like what in the fuck? He is the only person to NEVER ASK:- what did I do wrong?

Me: there must be a setting I’m missing because I have no data, yet the data is on my phone app. Hmmm. Gimme a break Google won’t be paid until “they fix their system” I mean, this is what I talk about. He makes me ugly, then cries fucking baby when I react.

So this time I just gave him UGLY LOOK and said nothing. I let him ramble on about how fucked up everybody’s computer system, back end, merchant system, banking system is. You name it, everyone is incompetent and makes bad software, and we shouldn’t pay for bad experiences because it’s THEIR FAULT

He is so unbelievable. But holding my anger in, and just blasting him with a look, was interesting.

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