Ok, I have FINALLY finished all the production molds. Ack way overdue. Not happy about that. Really not happy. But I can really now start production.
Get this first batch out the door, 4 weeks late. Then upgrade some machines and start a new campaign. Ready for future orders. Shit, I’m so behind this stresses me out. I still can’t understand why I went down the rabbit hole of a complete mold system change. Now that I used the production mold in an open pour, there were no problems because I was already used to the technique. I even made a new jib to hold the molds in a quick release while I turn them during pour.
I do go down rabbit holes a lot. It’s like I get fixated on ONE THING and I get so determined to see it through I will utterly exhaust myself trying until I fail. Fail big time to realize it’s not working, but not before I eradicate every possible alternative. Ugh. I’m so mad at myself.
Spoke to the PR company today about my complaint. They want to keep me so they are doubling up some efforts and offered me a deal. So I’ll stick it out 6 more weeks before I find another one.
Shit, I have a call with Google tomorrow. I haven’t prepared. I am so behind on everything and my feet hurt so bad from standing all day in the lab.
But I am definitely feeling better. Much better. Had another NORMAL SHIT today - except for the blockage, my poop doesn’t look like a snickers bar anymore. It’s one colour as opposed to snickers peanuts and weird colours. I feel like whatever that surgery was, it fixed the problem entirely with my pancreas. Whatever that tumor was, it was fucking up my upper digestive tract.
Weird hung started happening today though, kinda freaky. My heart - hurts. Never had that sensation before. It wasn’t indigestion, it was like a stabby/throbbing pain in my heart. And it lasted for a while, so I decided to sleep it off.
Unnerving really. I wonder if that’s a sign of body getting older and just fucking with me.
Oh. I have this weird endless message from a patron, who has a severe problem. I don’t know what to do. I feel badly for him that he is feeling this way. He messages me 5x a day and - it’s just bad. I mean for him, for me, I don’t really look at it much but I’m concerned people like this top themselves.
I once had a “fan” who “fell in love with me” then jumped off a building and broke his back in a suicide attempt, because I had left england errr… he was a client from my domming days. Andy called me and said Cameron was calling for me in the hospital, saying my name etc, and he had just attempted suicide… and my name was tattooed on his back.
Honestly I didn’t care. But it sucks someone can feel that messed up about fantasy, that they go and top themselves when faced with reality. It fucking sucks because I seem to just, scrape them off the internet like the bottom of the barrel.
Like I create these awful trapped, pitiful list human beings. When they should have a chance of just - getting on with their lives and not being so addicted to a false representation of me.
Me, on camera, in art videos, is just what I like doing. But it gets these men all fucked up…I am definitely not proud of this. I don’t like fans that don’t have a life. It’s shit. It’s like they only have me in their lives because they have abdicated reality for just my art.
Years ago I would literally be angry, annoyed, resentful and everything. But these days I feel terrible, they don’t deserve to live like that. I’m just doing art, my art. And some men have suckered into a non-existant fantasy to get out of their own lives.
They are super convinced - I am their girl. No really, I mean it. I have a few of these fans no matter where I go in life, they stalk me, and in the past it would kinda creep me out. But these days, I wish I could just tell them to LIVE instead of believe in fantasy. JUST GO AND ENJOY LIFE instead of pining away.
Pining away is something I finally had experience with. In the attraction to my boss lololol. And I know people can callously say, “DONT GET IN BED WITH THE BOSS DUH!”. But that’s not how this kind-trap works. You cannot control it. These men cannot control it. Their ONLY SOURCE OF UNNATURAL HIGH, is me.
Like my only source of fleeting high, was Christian. He became an addiction until I burned out. And that’s what happens to my fans. It’s happened many times already.
The first, jumped and paralyzed himself for life. A previous one fucked up his marraige. The current one has lost his marbles and is pretty much on the edge. I have a few others who at least have a life but that’s in balance as when I get active online, they all start distorting reality again.
I don’t want anyone to feel as I did with Christian, and I am cogniscent of that these days. I feel wrong about it. I can’t fix it, I am just aware this is dangerous for my fans rather than me.
In the old days teenage girls would pine over movie stars, like I did over Luke Skywalker lolololol.
Then David Bowie. But I never sought out posters like my school mates. It was just my hidden secret to dream about. OH MY GOD! I DONT HAVE DREAMS ANYMORE. I mean, those dreams the fantasies of movie stars. Fuck! Why don’t I?
I used to when I was young. But not now?! Hmmm