steveoscar that’s a useful post…
Still not sure about my current gore fascination. It has something to do with men wanting to be women for sure. Or women wanting to be men. Maybe I am transphobic?
I recently had dreams where I was alone in the house when another intruder came. And I was preparing for all the ways I could kill him. Like I really really want to do it lololol. I’m fantasizing about how to inflict the most pain and disablement on an intruder twice the size of me…
Once this happened and I remember feeling so angry inside, I was naked in The back yard making swimming videos, and this black guy climbed over the 7ft fence and through the back yard gate… sneaking around to gain entry where he could not be seen. But I was there, and I was livid inside. I honed in on him, walking, and he saw me and started blubbering:
SORRY MA’am I thought this place was empty blah blah blah - I don’t remember but it was constant panic drivel as he backed away from me literally walking backwards from where he came but I continued to stride towards him. NAKED. With the anger in my eyes and my usual expressionless face.
At that moment he turned and tried to walk away but realized I wasn’t changing, or backing off. I went into total grudge mode and if I had laid hands on him I can’t imagine what I would have done.
Well last night I did imagine it. In reality he what himself and ran for the gate and scaled OVER IT then kept running while I stood. In the front yard. NAKED. LOL
in my fantasy dreams, I approach and as soon as he turns his back on me I spring up with running force onto his back and grip with my legs around him making him top heavy and fall.
Yes I sustain injury in that time but I won’t let go as long as I stay clamped to his back he can’t shake me off or hurt me. I tear at his face from behind, intuitively grabbing his nostrils and pulling as hard as I can to RIP HIS NOSE OFF HIS FACE and bite his ears and tear them off.
In my dreams I am an animal, preying on some fat disgusting man twice my weight. And tearing at his face with my teeth and clawing at his eyes and nose while my legs remain clamped on him and won’t let go. My teeth are my weapon and if he reaches around I will bite off his fingers as though I am crushing through pork belly fat.
In my dreams he is a bloody mess by the time Keith comes and is too dumbfounded to call the police. Typical. No help. Just STOP as usual. Doesn’t even help me immobilize the bastard. So I’m my dreams Keith is just annoyingly useless.
I’m not doing this to protect myself, nor protect the property. I’m doing this because I have a victim. I don’t know why I need to feel this way or what will purge it.
But I sure as hell think that people complaining about the use of a few words “that they want to be identified with” is such a petty thing, when no one values my life, when I’m sick of not valuing myself, when I am sick of constantly being berated by the smallest inconsiderate inconsequential thing.
“But men can have vaginas too”
Fuck. Off.
I think some primitive urge in me has been woken, or triggered. And if one more male transgresses me, I WANT A PHYSICAL RETRIBUTION. So I am naturally fantasizing about it. And maybe, the cartel body-chopping, skinning-alive, ripping out beating hearts videos, burning peoples faces off videos, these horrendous things, are calming me? Somehow?
I don’t know if they are but I’m hoping I’m done with gross videos because I want to get back to a normal sleep routine.
I think back to my childhood neighbor the same age as me. He was a boy back then, I used to tie him up wrap in in cellotape, packing tape… then rip his scabs off with the metal edge of the tape dispenser…
In school I was very quiet, definitely not a bully. But outside school, my neighborly friend was a willing victim. I would enjoy ripping scabs off slowly because it was more uncomfortable for him. I enjoyed the screams.
When he got back in touch with me a few years ago, he had transitioned to a woman, and had been following me for decades. My immediate reaction was - oh shit I turned him into a fucked up person? I accepted she was the new Jamie, but she is mostly depressed. No - in a majorly depressive state. So even though she is a trans woman, she has ulterior motives for following me.
It’s really sad. She admitted to me she wanted MY BODY, and when I had run away, he had tried to cut his own dick off and was hospitalized. Now she was following me, and the statements are often uncomfortable and I’m not sure why. She says “you made me who I am today” and I feel badly and guilty for it, because she is clearly unhappy, lonely, and unable to survive alone this her brother looks after her.
She complains about not being able to afford transition surgery. About hating herself. Bleh. Then I get over it at that point and go (in my head) “Oh well that’s a choice then isn’t it. Can’t be bothered” you can’t have my body, so this is a self fulfilling sabotage isn’t it?
And there are so many people like Jamie who are lost. Invalid. Invalidated. Angry at the wrong thing?
Angry at me? For making vaginas for women? When it’s NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS TO INTRUDE ON MY EXPRESSION. And then I want to KILL PEOPLE.
Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe these complainers complain and whinge, and it causes me to go and look for REAL SUFFERING. Because they do not know what suffering is. WE HAVE TO SUFFER AROUND THEM. THEY are insufferable. Take a look at THIS poor victim leaving life in the cruelest slowest early death, and tell me there is not more to live for?
Some weird fucked up therapy that is. And yeh I can’t really say any of this openly because it’s not socially acceptable in this coddled society that has lost touch with JUST LIVE AND LET LIVE.
