Bleh. Sunday. I had a good day yesterday pouring in the lab all day… and coming upstairs to find Keith being all weird and nice to me.
Kinda suspicious, I’m getting annoyed with the back-pedaling pattern… it’s making me not believe him.
Whatever, the weird sensation about “not believing him” is prompting me to get flashbacks while I work downstairs and kinda ruining the atmosphere of my peaceful work… so I have to drown out my thoughts with music blasting through my headphones.
The feeling or sensation I get right now is… predicatable chaos. Like nothing has changed. This is a set up. Wait until the next shit Keith throws at me. Distrust?
But this deep feeling is stirring up cringey old memories of my ex from 3 years ago. And now im really fucking cringe while I work.
Because im recollecting his fake promises and future fantasies, that were short- lived because he had a knack of tearing me down nearly every day, or saying something that would burn me like everything was my fault/im useless/I can’t do my job/im unattractive/or whatever.
The truth is, none of these emotional insults were particularly harsh or bad - but in cumulation with my feeling of being trapped and having no way out, every slight upon me felt like knives slowly cutting in my face.
And subconciously I picked my face raw until I was ugly.
These feelings are coming back right now with added perspective. In those days I was never more alone, and I behaved horribly to Keith who came with me to Austria… I was just as nasty to Keith, as Christian was to me.
And now I cringe like fuck each time a flashback comes, I can see what Christian was, what he did, what he was doing… and I can see how I projected that behavior onto Keith and it was wrong.
I can see that Christian LIED every step of the way, how he baited me in, how I fell into the trap… and all this shit I can see now, makes me feel so fucking stupid - worse, grossed out that I felt romantically attracted to him.
I have never been romantically attracted to anyone in my life. Ever. So somehow I saw in Christian, what I wanted to see, and the future fantasy he spun, was no more than the recon he had done on me to trap me in his web.
Due to the cringe affecting me, I tool a look over his profile… it’s gone dead. He’s left it alone. Great. He no longer thinks about me. I say this because before he introduced himself to me there was no social media, he started that AFTER he entangled me. And his desperation matches the activity of his posting, that’s his pattern I noticed.
I took a look at his dads profile, because his dad has gone silent too, he used to interact with me and liked me a lot… and I noticed a woman on his page, whose profile picture… was of Christian and this woman together, infront of his Lamborghini…
This was fascinating. Christian never once openly gave context he owned a lambo. He kept everything secret. Even me. But now, he allows this woman to post about their relationship… while on social media he says nothing…
Interesting. I didn’t need to see anymore. Christians personality is what it is, and the only thing that matters is my romantic attraction is severly fucked up, that it makes me see things in people that don’t really exist.
Christian to be honest - was a bad match. Terrible. And I ignored that. Because I saw the image he wanted people to see, and I played into it playing along with his deception and secrets and image spinning. Playing along with creating this super-persona that enabled me to gain access to Lamborghini, Daimler, IKEA, Mercedes, Airbus, Siemens, TDK. I was his front man, and the only way I could do my job and get meetings was to pimp the CEO in ways he could not pimp himself.
But really, hobbies? Interests? NOTHING about Christian fell in-line with ANY of my special interests.
I love medicine, healing arts, high performance athletics, dance, painting and sculpting, fine art… and Christian was NONE of those things. I paired him to be the man I could be proud of to sell. I sold his image, as much as Christian could pretend to be.
He is entirely fake. He is not an inventor. He does not solve problems. He loves to live aimlessly and food and hotels and show off. But that is all he is. A Lamborghini guy. With no deep convo about anything.
Conversely how have I treated Keith? Badly. Keith as a film producer is actually amazingly articulate about detail, psychology of film and story, fine art photography, travel, ugh. Keith is actually all those things I can actually have a conversation about.
But I have somehow fucked him up, fucked my perspective of him up. Disrespected him and been awful to him. And. I am not romantically attracted to him.
This makes me feel horrible. No one deserves this. I know how it is to be romantically attracted and yet treat horribly. And now I cringe because I have stolen this from Keith. Been a cunt. He is all these things in his realm, and somehow, I screwed up. I screwed up our lives and therefore his life. Because of disrespect.
How the fuck, can I live with this? How do I even begin, to build back better or make amends, or even just gain respect for him again at the very least.
Fuck im such a horrible person I do not deserve romance.
