So I’m one third of the way into outlining my book and I read the whole “how to write a book” back to back and think I know what I’ve hit to do. But I still don’t. LOL. The stories Keith wants are “The Red Queen” and “The Emperor and the Stone” which are books 2 and 3 of the adventures with my ancestors.
The Red Queen being my actual great-great-great-great grandmother - I think I got that right? Who was a Pirate Girl, daughter of the Pirate Queen. Married into Nobility as part of some peace treaty.
And some other weird epic adventures along the way of how the red Queen became to rule a fleet some 300 ships.
During my research of the known family tree and memoirs of my “Princess Grandmother” I imagined some weird shit that threaded all the events together in a very supernatural way.
They cross over into another recurrent dream, of a giant jade stone which learns thinking patterns and grows self-awareness, which is kinda some weird parallels of my own coming to being. So Keith is very interested in packaging those stories, but I must do the first book… which is about what?
I don’t want it to be some healing journey rubbish. I want to explain what I saw and my changed perspective on what happened. How these can be interpreted in different ways, but when you know the signs and what to look for, you kinda can become aware of your position on the map.
Personality maps. Which I have never gone in to explain in any full detail here, but I want to somehow explain it in my book.
Without boring the fuck out of everyone.
My drawings, still have meaning to me now, yet when I see where I am now on the map, I did not realize that I had jumped paths onto the healer. Because of my comparative abilities using dopamine, in the reciprocal world of agency.
There are four worlds in my head. One is reality and interaction, the second is inverse and based in emotions which if too biased can become delusional and express itself in real life as a borderline, psychopath or sociopath.
The third world is mirror, a world absent of self, the only way it gains self awareness is through its mirror. It is. Surrealism, abstract, unreal, yet, absolutely necessary for us to restrain our agency with thought. This is the selfless world of Estrogen. Ocytocin, and it’s hormones of bonding necessary to rein us together.
And the fourth, is the world I ended up in, the reciprocal world where everything flips and time can be split, there’s a schizm of an inability to determine reality from unreality, the dangers of schizophrenia, and yet, a source of major discoveries.
I put the first world - our reality in the realm of testosterone. As those who have most agency, will stand out above the rest as leaders or sociopaths.
In my world of shape shifting, I view all four together, I feel the affect of each world on another, through my schisms of unreality. Which could make me utterly crazy- or I am onto something.
I don’t know where this came from, well kinda, I do, but for me it is only intuition, I feel like. Have an explanation for it, but the only way to be sure is to explain my map of these worlds, such that people may know what paths they need to find, and what traits the need to pursue to affect physical reality and attract the path of success they want for themselves. Not all of us want to be leaders. Many of us want to give our lives in service and belonging. It takes an almost crazy person to want to be a leader. Which is kinda true, according to my map, the one that pursues success above everything else, needs a mirror to counterbalance their testosterone, and the root source of their success lies in their ability to divine the schism. Many can’t, they fall into delusion, emotional disregulation controlled by seratonin, which seeks amplitude for validation, rather than a true and solid comparison using dopamine in the schism. In the schism where things are duplicated and layered, but the differences in where things don’t match and become aberration gives you the height of intuition. To suspect something is off, and error correct, or with inability to error correct you simply fail into cognitive dissonance. Because your purpose is not aligned with your belief system, and things will start to break down - in a schizophrenic pattern.
I have explored these different worlds in my dreams with ancestors, in my comparative reality possessed by entities that reflect visual emotion, which I cannot - could not feel for myself. I was trapped in the mirror, seeking others to fulfil me, reflect back at me who I wanted to see.
And after I figured out the maps of these worlds, and the different personalities and paths we all take within them, I knew what I was missing.
Dopamine.
The drugs I’m on now, give me back the dopamine which I am no longer able to produce on my own, but now, I am out of the schism and able to take with me what I saw and felt.
I realize now, I always had emotions, but they were blocked and separated from me in the seratonin world. And these emotions became visuals to compare reality with the activity of entities and other such weird schisms.
I could of course be completely wrong. There is no one out there to explain the things I felt and visualized. So I had to find a way out of this mess myself. And not be the mirror sociopath, or the schizo “genius”, or the delusional selfish self centered bitch. I needed to find my purpose in life by navigating each of these worlds and comparing them to one another.
And I am highly sensitive. Whatever my brain was integrating into my reality, I knew it was doing it’s best under circumstances with a lack of radiating flow. And I had to somehow try to get that flow pattern up and running again, instead of sequestered centrally up my lizard testosterone brain.
It was that determination of testosterone that helped me want to succeed and not give up. I’m pretty sure most people suffering the kind of cognitive deficit I went through, don’t fully make it back or they become a shadow of their former selves, lost in inverse or mirror worlds, and an inability to understand the schism of the dopamine world in order to heal. The healing path - lies in the dopamine.
But if you lack the drive of testosterone, you still may not make it back, or, not fully. Maybe depression will kick you further into unreality or delusion. But each of these world do different things and are necessary to shape our thinking patterns and therefore behavior in the real world.
And when you realize you can do this, good things come to you as like attracts like. The right people see you. And things start happening your way.
So, that is what I want to explain in my book, but, hmmm how to make it understandable? When I must sound like gobbledegook