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Onnaloves

Ack. Christmas Day emergency vet visit. We are quite nervous about distressed bunny. Gonna go now and update when we get back tonight. Very worried and checked my email to a blow up of cray word vomit to go stalk over. But my battery is low so I’ll stay focused on bunny.

Onnaloves

1 hour each way to the emergency exotic animals vet on Christmas Day, plus 5 hours in the waiting room. And bunny got worse. He has vestibular disease from some kind of cyst in his brain that started in his ear.
We got home and put him with baby girl, and he promptly got spooked and ran around like crazy unable to control himself and he went and tore a nail to add insult to injury. So we’ve set up a booth in the cupboard and but then both in there much to her displeasure.
It’s not over yet, and this is going to cost easily 1k to fix, hopefully he can get better. I feel so badly for him.
I recalled the strangest thing last night, I lay down with bunny last night and felt so disoriented with a flash pain, it was noticeable and the vertigo lasted about a minute, but was gone by the time I nipped downstairs. I remember because I fought through it to go downstairs and do a final late night pour.

And bunny has manifested vestibular disease which didn’t happen overnight. Did I feel that? In bunny? Was that me feeling bunny? I feel so badly that he feels like that constantly and I only picked up on it for a minute while he lay with me on the floor. I put it down to getting off the floor, which has been happening a few times lately. I put it down to my own low blood pressure or something. I didn’t think I was feeling bunny.
Could it be?
Or is the massive ear ache and wobble thing just coincidence? I’ve had this strange sensation in the back and to the right of my head. It overlaps with bunnies condition. Hmmm.
Anyway, we didn’t get to make Christmas dinner.
So we are doing it tomorrow.
And now I’m utterly pooped from being at the vet all day.

Onnaloves

Bunny is worse today. Keith is crying. Like no joke Keith is really upset, and I don’t know how to react so there is no reaction. I just get on and continue with whatever I’m doing. But Keith is outa sorts, and bunny now requires being syringe fed. So I’m doing it, and I feel sorry for bunny, and baby girl, but I can’t really do anything else. Other than force feed him to make sure he doesn’t go into stasis.

My fingers are now worse than ever from syringe work, and sculpting and shit is still not over. The finish line has suffered delays as a result of Christmas disaster.

I‘m actually not tired but alert at all times. Last week I was just exhausted, but something has kicked me into action since yesterday, maybe the calamity around me has drawed me into a tight focus or something.

I really don’t know what counter-dependent or co-dependant is, as I never understood relationships at all. Romance used to make me want to vomit and cringe, because I never felt it. Once with Christian I felt romance, but I realize now that was infatuation - like an addiction - to perfection. And when things started to realize, they were not perfect, I was …
What? I wouldn’t believe it.
I rejected the reality that he wasn’t perfect. I LIKED THE ROMANCE, and wanted to hold onto it. Even though it was fake.
I realize now that infatuation is infact the thing I have misread as Love. It is not Love. It is a strange and desperate need for the other to be perfect, and relieve all responsibility for being useless onto the savior…. But wait… THAT‘S what Christian was doing to me!

And actually, THAT‘S what Keith did to me. Hmmmm
But Keith couldn’t drop me like a hot rock because now we were married, and now I had severe health issues and we were indebted to a massive hospital bill and strategized to work our way through it. Suffer THE RUT together.

And I became BORED of that rut. And wanted excitement elsewhere. The responsibility was killing me to hold down a job, pretend to get on with people, wear a mask of getting along. And inside I just wanted an adventure.

Where was I? Oh relationships. I got stuck to that pimp right? That was a non sexual relationship with a sex addict to enable his sex addiction to shameful fetish acts of indecency. I was trapped because of the cost of trying to get my equity back out of that relationship, four years went by, I realized I fucked up, and the only way I could get out was to literally leave the country from this bloodsucker.

He stole £34,000 from me, I handed over my home equity in cash. Stupid me. For a share on his title deed. Which never happened. Stupid me.

Then I worked my ass off with disgusting men to keep us going paying his mortgages and STILL my name wasn’t on the deed. So I could’ve left sooner, or not handed over the money, or just not gotten roped into doing sex work, that was all on me. I suffered what I believed I was worth. Left overs, on the shelf. No longer marraige material/ girlfriend status or anything. I believed I was soiled goods, trash, and couldn’t work anything better.

And then I got out. And things were not so bad, I regretted not doing so sooner. I had never experienced infatuation until Christian came along. And the power of addictive entanglement is noxiously sweet. You don’t realize the sugar is poison. You don’t realize the sweetness is rotting you inside out while you continue to hold onto the shell of a glamorous relationship.

Then Christian asked me to move in with him. And my immediate reaction:
WTF? NO WAY! Why would I do that? - and I was so shocked I registered for a slight moment that he was surprised at my response. What I didn’t realize was he was so destroyed by my response he kept that heavily under wraps, and I had wounded him so badly he was going to take revenge.

I distinctly remember there was a change in his behavior after that. AS IF I WOULD DROP EVERYTHING TO GO MOVE IN WITH HIM. Seriously. We weren’t even „dating“ or „publicly in a relationship“. Even though it was common knowledge to everyone that I had a husband and was sleeping with the boss. I mean everyone knew. They pretended they didn’t. They despised me.
They believed he was giving me favoritism. They rejected me, mobbed me, bullied me. And now my boss turned against me because I wouldn’t move in with him? LOL!

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING to get involved with this guy? I mean right from the beginning, it was all too perfect. He sold me on the perfect career, the perfect power couple, flying the world and doing business. Suits and Corporate Egos. Italy, Germany, Sweden, France, we flew everywhere and I secured deals all over the place. We were a power couple.

And then I refused to move in with him. And shit hit the fan. But that wasn’t the cause. The cause was me seeking someone to fucking save me from my worthlessness. When really, I have all the worth I need right here. In my pajamas and birds nest hair, sculpting and caring for bunny, building shit so I can afford a legacy for my daughters and for once in my life, to treat myself to things that make me happy.

And relationship? You are not married to your relationship. I am married to my passion, and my husband will fold in with that, help me achieve what I want, or… not.

But as he helps me with this, I am more grateful than I ever have been in my life. And want to acknowledge him. Even when his eyes are strangely wet with emotion from dealing with bunny. Why don’t I ever get like that?

Keith is emotional, I am simply not. And even when I do feel shit, I realize now I keep that all to myself like a festering boil. And that’s my biggest problem. The boil needs lancing and venom spat out where it needs to go… my frustrations need to be managed. That is what I have to figure out, without hurting anyone. Or maybe just a little bit on idiots that waste my valuable time.

Onnaloves

Ok so I’m questioning WHY I’m enjoying seeing noob go on a meltdown and in Her own words exclaim this is all too much! Because it’s so easy to see her explode on here? But why is it energizing me? Like I am literally smiling over here while my husband is woeful and testy and monotonely being a drudge.

I think back to a point when I was „emotional“ in parallel to noob, and a thing came up… I was at a low point in life, yeah it was pretty fucking low:
I had recently been D&C from a rape I suffered 6 weeks before by a guy who pretended he would help me get my children back, who wasn’t a lawyer or anything and in hindsight why the fuck did I make such a stupid choice?
My daughters were kidnapped 16 years ago nearly to date, on Boxing Day 2005, leaving me alone with two businesses to run, a mortgage, and lock up, and rental accommodation to sort out on my own. I was totally overwhelmed and had tried committing suicide only a week before. I was bleeding heavily and not resting so on my journey driving 280 miles, I stopped a couple of times to clean myself up with new Terry cloth towels on the drivers seat, leaving a trail of blood spatter on the run from the parking lot to the toilets. Yup I was crazy, completely out of my mind in grief and turmoil.
Obviously the visit to collect my children for a weekend turned into disaster, as they were stowed away on my arrival and I was punched down the steps with broken glasses and a black eye, then arrested by police for trespassing on his property while screaming for my kids that were no longer in the house.
And what triggered it?
I called in advance, to say I was coming. I was not in the best of mindset. The bitch mother answered the phone and casually called for Shaun, when he asked WHO IS IT? She responded „WHO THE DEVIL DO YOU THINK“ -
And that’s when I blew up on the phone! The word - „devil“ was a buzzword that I used against her, screaming that she called me a devil. And I let rip into the bitch with all my hate but using cry-bully tactics to put every blame I could on her. It was pathetic and nonsensical. „YOU CALLED ME A DEVIL“ !!! Rant rant rant! I have no memory of whatever I said but once I was on a roll I went with it, venting out all the moments I could recollect where I felt PERSECUTED. Whether it was true or not, I used those CATALOGUED MOMENTS of her minor persecution as the jaded blue lense of „you have always hated me you bitch!“
Soooo naturally they wrapped up the kids and decided to go for a drive to not let me take them. As a revenge for being spoken to disrespectfully. And the drama that ensued with police arresting me as the kids turned up at home - was such validation to them that I was a complete nut-bag.

I know how much trouble I was in. I was suicidal. I was delusional. I had lost my kids and the wound was like nothing else in the world mattered. And for once in my life I behaved erratically. Out of control. But against bigger evil than I - I was only in anguish and pain, they sought to punish me. And I opened the trap for them, by behaving so crazy, I was my own self destruction where suicide had failed. And now I had an even bigger excuse to say how evil they were…
Yet what triggered it, was my phonecall to announce my arrival… turning completely nuts. My timing to let out all my pain GUSH onto the mother of the kidnapper. The enabler and true witch behind the failed development of her son. She had created him, and was bigger to blame, as she supported his plotting to keep my children from me, so she was more than culpable.
But I lost my shit. And even though they had done their turn on me, I was the one that lost my shit, from which precipitated all the rape, police arrest, bloody trails in motorway rest-stops, and a stream of strangers running after me „trying to help“ and impossible crazy woman. I wanted a crowd of people to notice my lonely suffering, and I got it. Even though they were strangers who knew nothing about me. The fact that there were a notable few who looked concerned and tried to connect with this broken dog of a woman, gave me the validation I was OWED MY CHILDREN BACK.

When really, I was incapable. A mess. Destroyed. Drowning and losing everything. Nothing mattered anymore except to make a situation happen out of me going down. I needed people to see me talk about me, wonder after me. I the delusional thought that a quantity of concern would triangulate and out vote the madness of the family that had stolen my children. If I could make headlines, THEY WOULD SEE HOW EVERYONE THINKS HOW EVIL THEY WERE. But, it was all crazy thinking.

What if, I had accepted my loss from the beginning, and not starved myself and stabbed myself in the uterus? What if I hadn’t cried for help with the wrong type of phonecall to my enemy for scoring, I stead of to real professional counsel?

What if, I had sought counsel to calm the turmoil? And find breathing space a bit. Intervention before I escalated my own situation crying to strangers who could take advantage of a pathetic victim?

And I’m pretty sure I’ve done this before… and since… I just have to think about it. It’s just the timing of the anniversary of those events that came to mind, recognized with noobs pathetic pain. That she, is exactly the same. Spiraling. Looking for votes anywhere, that she is the victim, and find a way of publicity getting that under strangers noses.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Onnaloves

It’s all getting a bit much for keith and he broke down sobbing that we might lose Bunny. Why the fuck don’t I feel like this or get like this. I instinctively have to hold Keith, and inside I have an awkwardness. My body doesn’t know what to do. I’m just cold. Practical?
I mean I feel justified we are doing everything we can, and I hope bunny knows and puts in the same amount of fight. Seems he is. I sense we are through the worst of it. It’s weird and tragic to see such a beautiful creature paralyzed and unable to clean himself or eat or go to the toilet. We carefully manage his medication which he is now fighting us on, and his ingestion of syringe mush every 4 hours and through the night on an alarm.
And I find I’m just taking control, Keith is reluctant to disturb bunny when he looks peaceful, but I know that if we cave and let bunny go without, he will get weaker as he will not remind us to feed him. So I force keith to do as I say. Hold bunny a certain way while I force in the baby food, and clean his fur from the dribble while he cries in the most disturbing pitiful manner. Then I apply ointment to moisten and protect his eyes that stay open while he sleeps. And hold him in the potty to wee before I make him comfortable supported between rolls and the wall and a snood full of clover and dandelion grass that he can sniff on and lick up for a little chew while he can’t open his mouth.
We are both kicking ourselves that we didn’t notice the signs earlier. That this seems to have come on suddenly but there were warning signs.
This is a truly terrifying ordeal for any pet owner, let alone the cost of it all. Yet, I am merely kicking myself for noticing the signs and not acting. Maybe I could have prevented him from all this suffering if I had just been in the moment with bunny a bit more?
I just keep kicking myself. That this situation has really taken over our lives and is making it difficult to stay on target. But I’m doing the best I can.
I cooked dinner last night and didn’t enjoy it. I was concerned about watching Bunny or making sure Baby girl wasn’t too spooked from feeling punished and locked into caring for him. She needs time out too so managing a second upset bunny who refuses to eat it doubley difficult. But we just have to do the best we can, and wonder why it is - I became a bunny parent. To learn what caring for others is really all about?

I think women are pigeon holed to be more emotionally dramatic. And that’s fair. But it’s not because of emotions. We all react to estrogen, women moreso than men, and the estrogen component controls the pathways of our brain OUTSIDE of the locus of self. The estrogen pathways form a donut, avoiding the emotional core, but most active in the pro-social and mirroring reward system. Therefore anyone with estrogen dominance will behave in accordance with lack of self. However, in an imbalanced individual, where there is no one to look after, there is a big hole of emotions that we cannot deal with, in my case I cannot filter so easily.
Where there is a core wound of emotional imbalance, the estrogen personality „covers up“ masks with PRIDE his or her individuality. Creating a hyperbole of suffering alone in purgatory. Feeling like it is her own doing. Because there is no one to reflect back at her, and trigger her reward system.
For me, I actually behave more like testosterone. I am highly responsive to testosterone, little traits all point toward that fact. The fact that testosterone controls the shortcut pathways from the cerebellum to the forebrain involving the longest axons of the brain, testosterone is long and linear and fast.
It wants to control front end regardless of emotion. Emotion isn’t necessary for the testosterone pathways which run up on both sides of the brain more medically, along the visual pathways funnily enough that create the mind‘s eye for those that have the ability to visualize geometry.
Also, testosterone being broken down from estrogen formed in the body fats, and synthesized in the longest cells of the body - the muscle fibres. Which are the only cells in the body Long enough to contain more than one control system or „nucleus“, is an interesting correlation, to the testosterone columnar short cut pathway of the human reptilian midbrain.
Testosterone pathways are pure survivalist, operating in the primitive areas of the brain. And that’s where I tend to feel most of my flow. Centrally from back to front.
Then there’s the seratonin personality, whose pathways of the brain form a condenser, a funnel, an amplifier, a vortex. It captures a wide constellation of feedback from the BODY mainly coming from the omentum, a fatty apron or emotional brain that produces seratonin and activates the autonomic nervous system channeling that pressure of energy into the midbrain to allow basic eating and shitting, AND acts as a gate. When certain emotional constellations are matched, the gate opens and the charge the funnel pathway builds up, gives a powerful reaction. Emotional gates are used by the brain as gear shifts and decision matrices. They are a short-cut form of decision making as opposed to those who are slow to act, because they do not trust gut feeling.
But the seratonin logic gate can be corrupted easily, leading to dramatic fails in the social arena. Heavily disguised as the seratonin has two faces, it seeks to match with others of the same pattern, to resonate the same outward attitude, even if their reasons are different they wish to be in parallel with their shared behavior.
Then dopamine pathways, which are shaped like a figure 8 crossing through the midbrain and doubling the charge of information and subtracting it, to see if there’s a fraction of a difference. This dopamine component of all our personalities is designed to compare and control all reflexes. Delete anything that’s false. In schizophrenics the dopamine pathways start to delete too much. So the person becomes paranoid. However dopamine is REQUIRED for reconnecting, it is part of the reward system for healing, it’s just when it’s out of control it deletes. It’s a funny orbital pathway that crosses in the frontal cingulate. When it’s given a BOOST of good feeling, it thinks this is GOOD, DO MORE OF THAT, and it will seek to use that energy to harden pleasurable connections. Without dopamine, you cannot harden new pathways. You cannot regain memory.
It’s interesting how these pathways overlap in different areas of the brain and work synergistically to balance us out. Whether we find dominance in one or two hormones or weakness in one, can simply be counterbalanced with a personality that exhibits the thinking pattern vacant from their own field of brain activity. That shape is different for everyone. That shape of thinking pattern like a bubble field will be comprehensible when merged with another, or destructive, depending if the shapes of thinking pattern fields, disrupt each other rather than fill in for each other’s weakness and complete the couple or group as a collective whole. With an average combined shape of behavior that is well balanced between all four major pathways of the brain.

Onnaloves

I’m going to start doing physical therapy on bunny tonight. Yikes. He is all twisted up from his paralysis, and if this is just left alone when he recovers, he will be disabled.
Soooo poor bunny is absolutely going to hate me. Between syringe feeding him, where he now has enough energy that he is fighting! And that is traumatic to him. In addition his eye roll is very disturbing, it has eased a bit today, but he cannot close one eye. So I need to protect it with ointment. All of this medication is making him cry. And Keith has been crying as usual.
Is there something wrong with me? Or am I the normal one? Because I could literally walk into triage and start butchering people to save them. I watch that shit all the time with medical videos that make Keith squirm and wince. I must have a fetish for surgery, as I now have a collection of surgical tools I’m quite proud of.
Baby girl has been VERY stand offish. For a female, she is very bull but does retain many of the estrogenic traits. Usually when food is put down, she will wait by the bowl for him to scramble up and dive in, before she carefully picks around him. She is very polite around him, always letting him go first. And while bunny doesn’t eat, she refuses to eat. This is very much a primitive expression of selfless estrogen. However, I said she is a bull. She defends him and growls and lunges at me. But she is getting jealous of the amount of attention he is getting, and annoyed that bunny doesn’t move. So I had to take her fora play session - where she learned a new trick today how to put her paws on my hand on command.

You can see how important play is, because she loves learning and wants to please, so she is very quick at learning new things. I guess that’s bunny dopamine kicking in plus the selfless wanting to please estrogen hardening learning. The two components for healing.

I was wondering about the trippy world I existed in. My trips without highs were simply a remnant of derealization. Where my brain had destroyed the ability to make new memories, and had corrupted the seratonin gate - so started to delete and derealize my reality. That’s when I realized that the seratonin funnel, can be super dangerous if the underlying logic is forcibly corrupted - by gaslighting for example.
The brains error correction system in dopamine is built on jenga blocks of logic gates, when if faulty and do not want to suffer the cognitive dissonance will delete the gate causing the reality you wish to disbelieve. Thus, derealization, and for those of us with high estrogen traits, a loss of self, a loss of association capabilities.

Meh - I have to go and do this physio on bunny.

steveoscar

Onnaloves

Fucking fingers are so numb these days. I really must figure out self limiting before injuring myself so badly.

Just finished physio on bunny - which actually worked and he knew what I was doing so let me do it. I could feel his spastic muscle antagonize and held it until it softened, and bunny knew what I was doing and LET ME. Wow, that was rewarding!

As or my progress on the Medusa. FUCK. This weekend has been the worst! I have totally ballsed up 3 versions of iteration 3 of the Medusa. So today, I just fucking abandoned it and had a flash of inspiration to start over.

I’ve sculpted variation 4 of the Medusa, this time, I think the molding system will work. The problem I was having was demolding. The amount of pulling and tugging was making my hands raw. And even though I have an extreme anal spreader to help retract the mold, that shit is just waaaay too dodgy to repeat 20x in a day.

My fingers are so fucking numb I there is no room left to redesign the mold jacket. I lost a week. And suddenly, inspiration hit me following squeezing out the seashells from the silicone mold like big cyst popping! Gave me a new idea on how to make a new Medusa, which this time allows for demolding…

And just so happens to cut silicone usage BY HALF. Therefore allowing me to make 50% more product out of a barrel! Soooo a $1k barrel, instead of turning into $11k, now turns into $16.5k gross revenue. I mean here I am chuckling at myself again that I fucked up, yet found a solution to move onto.

So I sculpted the new design in different sizes tonight. And now once again I am pooped and annoyed with my numb fingers from constant pressure work on the clay, or fighting with silicone molds. I really want my hands to heal, yet, I can’t stop working. Maybe I should order surgical gloves?

Onnaloves

steveoscar lol thanks Steve, been getting to know you abit through your responses on other threads, bizarre coincidence of crazy families or is it a Chinese thing?
I love watching Chinese dramas actually and I noticed how the women are always screaming crazy biotches, like literally the only character I found who is cool headed is the Empress from Ruyi‘s Royal Love.
Anyway, back to current bullshit. We watched a film last night called „Don’t look up“ for a bit of light relief after this bizarre Christmas week. The film was actually fucking hilarious with virtually everyone having a bad personality disorder that we know exists. I was surprised to film film critics hated it! They did it was an allegory to Climate change and were writing as though they were deeply offended by the whole film. Which made me wonder if the film critics themselves wer actually paranoid, bitter right-winger wing nuts. I found the film to be a great relief from Keith’s sobbing and the worry of Bunny overtaking my life and control of Medusa Manufacturing.
So bunny is letting me do physical therapy on him as frequently as I can muster, and it’s working, today he started walking - lop sided albeit, with careful movements but he still falls over. It’s really sad to see him like this and Keith is still distraught.
Baby girl is just pissed at everything and everyone and when she sees a towel she associates it with our kidnapping of her former bunny, and just attacks it.
Still worried about my hands actually and really hope they show signs of healing, inspite of my continued efforts of working with clays and rubbers and dremels with cutting and grinding vibration. Although I think the sensations won’t come back unless I stop working for a solid week.
I honestly think if anyone else had a bunny who became paralyzed in such a short time, they would have not known what to do and perhaps bunny would be lost to us. It’s so sad how he’s only had 3 and half years to see this potential fate. It just makes me kick myself so bad that I didn’t act earlier on noticing signs.
I cleaned his ears today, and he let me do that, and I wondered if his teeth need cutting because he’s not been eating hay. And this regimen of mushy syringe food is not helping him cut his teeth. So we will take him to the vet today for a follow up and hopefully results on cytology.
The suspicion is vestibular disease caused by chronic deep sinus infection, causing a fluid build up on his brain. Hopefully he will get better as he has shown improvement. But he needs a month of medication and if regular follow ups and x-rays don’t show improvement they suggest worst case scenario they could operate and take out the whole ear canal and walled off cyst.
The vet said this can actually happen, and this costs thousands… given the way Keith has reacted over the last few days, I can’t imagine how he would cope either way.
I didn’t know it was possible for someone to become so emotional over a bunny. Yes I do love bunny, but why don’t I feel anything? I think back to my mental state of decline, again, I was never scared or worried. At least I thought I wasn’t. It seems I have a very muted response to actually being scared of anything. Doesn’t make me brave. Just means I’m unable to connect with reality or fear somehow?
I notice this now moreso, because Keith is so emotional, and I’m more focused than ever. It’s not like I don’t care… I’m just forcefully practical.
Keith is afraid of doing this and that. Afraid of swaddling bunny. Afraid he will choke. And I literally have to take the reins and swaddle him, hand him over to keith, and just do the syringe work.
But then I can suddenly think of many instances where keith is negative and reluctant to do things, always putting up barriers and playing devils advocate even though that really is him. A Pessimist and that’s actually a cover up for his own inadequacy fears. I’m pretty sure that his presentation of being cautious, is actually just a barrier to not take any risks of trying new things.
Then there’s me, doing shit, and failing three times this week, and instead of being consumed with worry „I can’t do it! What if I fuck up? What if this whole business idea is a flop?“ I’m JUST DOING IT. It’s not like I even feel there is a choice. I must. And I just have to figure it out every step of the way. Fix hurdles, remove them, adapt. Force my way through to the finish line. Not give up. And that has always been me inside. I know that now, even when I was cognitively deficit, it upset me to give up, I wanted to be like I was before, I was convinced I just had to find a way of healing my brain. So I took apart everything I could feel and tried to find the mechanism, that made me learn, build new connections, re-establish thinking. I did this for two years while mute. And just knowingly studied phenomena and tried to explain it, instead of putting it down to superstition. However, I acknowledge that one might easily imagine and not far from the truth believe that one was possessed.
As my reality had disintegrated and combined with memory patterns that were being recalled to try to connect with emotional states, and those apparitions were… fascinating to me but scary to anyone else. I knew that I had an extremely visual skill so I wasn’t surprised, it was familiar - but to the extent of living in a dream-state while awake. Fascinating. Yet for others who traded places with me, understandable that they would want out. Or record the phenomenon as supernatural. Hehe, maybe it’s superhuman, being able to connect with broadband sensory input at its primitive level, before we have corrupted it with our narrow mindedness?

Onnaloves

Gah! I just went downstairs to cut some fresh grass and weeds for bunny, and I didn’t close the door behind me thinking that bunny was just staying put…
He followed me and promptly fell down the stairs. Which could have killed him! Jesus! Why does he think he can follow me when he can’t even walk properly? So that was my fault for once again assuming bunny wasn’t going to hurt himself. But. He wasn’t hurt, and was ravenous for solid food… he stuffed his head in the box of freshly cut weeds and grass and ate tons of it. And the fact he even tried to follow me, means he’s really on the mend! Keith however is just angry at me and giving me silent treatment lol. Typical.

Onnaloves

Something just popped into my head that made total fucking sense. A visualization of how the 4 major hormones groups work together, which I must draw out today.
Think on super simplified terms as the human body is basically A Fatty Balloon, full of Salty Acid Water.

The fat, is the estrogen - it stores, and it binds, it attracts, it has surface tension to hold shit together, it adapts its shape… estrogen is fat soluble and stored and made in our fats. Which is also why the estrogen pathways of our brain, exclude the midbrain and work mostly around it in the donut run of fatty cortical tissue. This donut of activity draws from association areas of the brain, and makes up the thin skin of our cortex.
The Water is the function, the purpose, it wants to seek the easiest shortest path, it can penetrate through the tightest boundaries and transport, through the longest channels. Water, is the essential ingredient for life. Testosterone is water soluble.
Seratonin behaves like salt. It controls concentration by homeostatic osmosis. Seratonin is produced in the gut, and a healthy gut draws water in or out to maintain flow of through the system. Seratonin is a Transmitter. However lethal levels of seratonin can cause seratonin sickness where the flow is beyond the point of no return and you can literally shit yourself to death. Been there actually… huh.
Acid behaves like a polarizer. It behaves like a magnet. It is fast and snaps on to ionized particles in immediate reactions. It can line up in parallel, or radially depending on what it is attracted to and amplify back EMF. Dopamine behaves like an acid. Think of acid trips where in my theory, synesthesia is more easily experienced because acids line up circumferencially to make signals double, mirror over with back emf, not so much a leaky brain but more of an echoey brain. Only we all have the capability to go trippy however, dopamine gives us that momentary high. To reward us and harden the new neurotransmitter by providing a scaffold for the new glue from estrogen.

Onnaloves

And Testosterone is responsible for pressure! Forgot to include that. Function and pressure.

Onnaloves

In times of drama it pretty interesting how we each react, and how those reactions are also simplified into primitive terms in our familiars.
The fact that Bunny has been through the ringer changed the world for all of us.
Baby girl starved herself and became an aggressive bull, to the point of circling and biting my shoes while we were syringe feeding him. She was literally so alone and helpless that she couldn’t do anything, that she became reclusive and growly, and could only be consoled by distracting her and giving her an outlet to try to feel useful - aka the training/play time. She has retained the lesson from yesterday and is eager to please today, by constantly patting her paws on me when I kneel on the floor. As if to say; look I can pawpaw. This makes you happy right?
Bunnies world has made him depressed, he thinks the world has changed - not that he is ill or different, but the world is now scary and horrible, and doesn’t behave around him the way it should. He constantly bobs his head, to try and make sense of the world around him. But he recognizes my voice, the smell of breakfast, and those things are enough to pull him out of depression since he used to steal my breakfast, but now I’m crawling on the floor to share it with him. However, he can’t lift his head or paws to reach into the bowl, so I spoon feed him instead. Then the physical therapy, then a box of fresh grass which I tip up on its side so he doesn’t have to reach over the edges. The world is scary and dangerous, but that doesn’t stop him from falling down the stairs and trying. It’s the world at fault, not his perspective.

Keith is still breaking down. And I get it, but, I dunno, maybe I don’t. I mean yes it’s tragic, even now it’s tragic, but, bunny isn’t suffering. Not really. He’s just upset about the change. He knows we are helping him. And it’s really sad to see, sad and guilty that neither of us acted sooner and realized the subtleties of his illness before it struck him down.

And me? Well, I’m just more desperate than ever to continue my work in the lab. So I’ve just eaten, given bunny another physio session and off for a few hours to try and catch up.

I just feel like I have so much more to do, and there’s a fucking tsunami of work and a deadline. UGH.

Oh, about the seratonin… I have to take extra seratonin - or Zoloft simply because I do not have enough. My autonomic system slows down to the point of stopping. I don’t shit, and I’m unable to connect with my emotions. But since the seratonin dose increase, I am able to feel what muted sense of emotions there are. It has enabled me to regain some emotional understanding, but for some reason my decision making is still super slow. I think that’s just me.
When we were dialing in my dosage I went over the limit for about 5 days, and suffered the nausea and shits. So we had to call it back to remove seratonin syndrome symptoms.
It turns out that I mainly function on the dopamine pathways that compare our associations to emotional responses and delete or reinforce. Adrenaline is metabolized to dopamine in the brain, and the Wellbutrin I take is the max allowable dose, but it was this that allowed me to repair my executive function.
I was relying heavily on the testosterone pathways that short cut through the midbrain, but that gave no support for left-to-right processing of speech. The testosterone speech difficulties, are highlighted with the short circuit fast access to cuss words and reactivity from a different part of the brain compared to complex speech. No processing is required to cuss and twitch and verbally reflex, so it’s all accessed via the testosterone pathways.
Estrogen donuts through the parietal associative areas of the brain, and those same pathways are energized by seratonin gates (emotional logic) OR comparative error correction via dopamine pathways.
It’s when I was put on adrenaline from Wellbutrin metabolized into extra brain dopamine, that I was able to think and talk again. But my seratonin gates are definitely strangled or atrophied, as practically none of my executive function or decision making relies on the intuition of gut feeling and emotions.
I’ve been feeling the change in flow of my brain over the last 3 months with the new drugs, and it reinforces my theories on the shapes of behavior therefore personality fields.
It appears that my husband, is seratonin based, but almost equal manefestation of estrogen traits.

My estrogen traits do not manifest as emotional empathy at all. They simply mirror and reflect signs in other people - like yawning through to sharing flow fields, those sensations of the body when I am vulnerable enough to open up to if I trust someone enough… aka, they know me well and that forms a baseline of me being able to differentiate my flow from theirs.

Which I know this sounds hocus pocus, but, I think many people crowd the rainbow of emotions under one roof of empathy. But in actual fact we are adapted to mirror anything, behavior, health, reflexes even pain. Right down to sympathetic menstruation. It’s not us sniffing out menstrual flow, it’s ourselves averaging the social conscious mirror to act as one.
Empathy of a visceral kind is the female group menses cycle. Where we amplify the change in acid levels and therefore inflammatory responses in the body. And that’s how we share menstrual cycles, through visceral empathy we share in our organs.

Onnaloves

OK all in all a really productive day. I started making the new molds for iteration 4 of the medusae and I gave bunny the biggest long neck massage to release those spastic muscles holding his head in a twisted position.
He sighed 4 times! The spastic muscles have caused one eye to stay permanently open, the other eye rolled downward and permanently closed. He really does look a sorrowful state and while he looks like this and is not even a shadow of his former self, Keith cries intermittently and especially when I’m doing the medicines which have to be done with food so he’s force-fed on top of medicines he hates.

But now he is actively taking the food, even though his jaw is too painful and stiff to chew, everything has to be mashed. Then he has to be cleaned and pottied, and I calm him down with a bit of physio.

I can feel the improvement, even though Keith is woeful pessimistic that Bunnies quality of life from now on is going to be awful. But I believe Bunny will come back, I will make sure he does.

Bunny is completely disoriented and shuffling along with a tilted head, and falling over or spinning in circles. It’s tragic. But, I know he is improving. I can feel it. I am simply mad that the vet did not give us pain medication to ease his suffering. But maybe that would overload his liver? Baby girl has now accepted that Bunny is lesser abled, and she stays by his side still starving herself, and grooming him at every opportunity. She sure is mad at us.

I am sitting down ready for dinner now and straight after I will head back down and do two more pour sessions to complete the new Medusa 4 series mold. Finally, hopefully, I will be able to pour the real thing tomorrow. AT LAST.

Oh! And I LOVE MY ANAL RETRACTORS OMG, this will make demolding so much easier!

Onnaloves

OMG! Bunny is Coming back!!! I just finished another looooong session of massage around his neck and released three spastic muscles. He sighed with relief then opened the closed eye!
I put him down gently on his feet because he tends to get so wobbly when you put him down that he promptly falls over. But I held him on the floor until he established he was standing… then… almost like he was switched on, he hopped off and immediately greeted bunny girl with a bunch of licks! I yelled for Keith to come and see! And keith was so relieved he cried again. Bunny has a way to go, but he is back! His eyes are both open and he is acknowledging me when I call him. I AM SO GRATEFUL. He has an X-ray next week to check this cyst out… I’m hoping if I continue the massage treatment, the cyst might drain by itself.
Magic hands! I’m so relieved! So is baby girl, she’s coming up to us and nubbing us.

Onnaloves

Day 4 is it? Of bunny’s tragic spasticity. He is now walking - wobbly and falling over, but he can hold a straight line. However he can’t sense good infront of him, so I have to hand feed him. Which is working out so much better than the syringe. He still can’t open his mouth too much so I have to chop his food up into bits, but he is most certainly and definitely grateful. His ears prick up and look in my direction on my breaks because I’m sensing he just wants massage like - all the time. But the massage is helping him so much. I spend a whole hour doing it, and by the end of it I’ve released his neck spasticity, and his sprains from falling over. Only putting him down I have to enclose him with my body over him until he acclimatizes and doesn’t panic. I don’t think he can see very well, he is looping so cautiously it’s as if he can’t work out where table legs are especially if you move the side table.
But, I can see the spark is back! He is a champion. Without him fighting to be alive I don’t think he would have made it. I honestly think he would have passed away Sunday if I hadn’t stepped in and started the syringe feeding through the night.
Keith is still bursting into tears and literally sobbing. He is so afraid that bunny won’t be the same, he says he misses bunny, his little arsehole behavior.
Like when he jumps up on the sofa to steal ice cream directly out the tub, or expects me to share my food, or just does his stand up routine when he wants my attention…
But I know now that bunny is still in there and he will come back. 100% he will. The vet told us there was a 50-50 chance bunny would make it, and even if he did there was an 80% chance he would be disabled.

Well. In that case I have a miracle bunny. I have a gut feeling that he is out of danger and he will make a full recovery. The odds were 10%.

I used my anal retractors today! Such a relief for demolding! With proper forceps and speculums working with silicone is relatively hard but doable. Without surgical tools, the mold wouldn’t work, I’d have venting issues, skin thickness issues, potential 10% failure on demolding… now - everything is perfect and just down to Material handling skill.

My right hand is still numb but my left has come back. Incidentally, I noticed this morning - the scars on my face have faded! I’m really surprised! I’ve been bag lady for a few days checking on bunny at night and wearing the same pajamas, so I haven’t looked in the mirror. But today? I’m honestly taken aback. My skin is completely clear of lesions, my acne has gone, and the hyperpigmentation… is fading!
Like! I literally can hardly believe it so I keep wanting to go check in the mirror and see if this is real. I normally cover that shit up EVERYTIME I go on camera. Now… I DON‘T HAVE TO!

Onnaloves

I’m honestly not shocked so intuitively knew how to help bunny. What does surprise me though is how utterly stumped and helpless Keith is. From holding him, swaddling him, just knowing what Bunny needs in the moment. Keith was scared that bunny would be a shadow of his former self, bunny has come away from his resting place on hearing my voice me asked to be picked up - twice.
I think he really likes the massage treatment. Right now Baby Girl is celebrating and running around pouncing on balloons and jumping all over the place. She knows Bunny is back, even though he can’t do much other than walk wobbly at the moment. She’s just happy he’s responsive.
She is still waiting to share food with him, I have to hand hold his food and she won’t take any from my hand until he takes it first. I heard Lions do this in the wild too? The female ones hunt and let the males eat first. Baby girl is definitely like that.
I’m sure the antibiotics, anti fungal medicines will work, because now bunny is alert not sullen and zoned out like before.
Actually I’m wondering if I felt anything at all? I’m relieved and happy… but during the tragedy I just didn’t stop. I don’t even know what I was feeling, other than stuff has to be done. While Keith was falling apart. Keith was obviously overcome with emotion. I love Bunny very deeply too, I know I do, but why didn’t I feel anything?
It’s almost like, while bunny was zoned out, I knew he was in recovery mode and wasn’t scared. I knew he was stable and that’s all that mattered. Free noticing a sudden decline on Christmas day, and because we were at the vets so long by the time we left, Bunny was completely spastic and immobile. It was a horrid sight.
Then Sunday, he got worse, and that was scary, but I still didn’t cry or anything. I don’t think I felt anything.
I was like this when Christian’s cats died, one after another. Christian was obviously distraught and of all people… he texted ME, AFTER we had gone and split up. Same with the second cat. He contacted ME now 6,000 miles away in a foreign country, about his cat. But I wouldn’t speak with him. I was out of his life and I literally didn’t care. It was just weird that Christian contacted me, UP TO A YEAR after we had split up. About his 2nd Cat.

Now though, Christian has moved on. The last time he contacted me was to ask about the pandemic in the US, I answered back with a question. Then he went apeshit on me and blocked me.

Ever since, I’ve been at peace, trying to recover from the PTSD instilled and jolting me EVERYTIME the phone made a peep. I had been a part of Christian’s life for… three years? During which time, Christian called me twice a day, and texted me throughout to check where I was and what I was doing. It was so normal I didn’t stop to think this was unnatural. But it is very unnatural. Even after we split up, Christian invited me over to his place three times a week to watch movies or something. And all I could feel was his eyes staring at me the whole time, and punishing me while I was there, by this strange lack of closeness we once had before. I couldn’t work out what he was feeling, but I felt that it was punishing me in some way.

On the last visit I made to Christian, I didn’t tell him I was leaving Austria for good. I kept up appearances that I was still going to work, and in the last week I called sick, and spent the week packing the entire house, and organizing Bunny and Girlfriend to stay at a rabbit hotel, before being flown to join us in the USA.

The whole escape plan took 6 months to prepare. And when Christian Blew it off, yea I was distraught- but I knew this was the end of my career. Keith landed a gig, scouting for a feature film, so we planned it to coincide with our leaving of Austria.

On the day we left the house, no one knew. The neighbours suddenly saw the container pull up, and we took four hours to load everything, and left the key on the kitchen table and called the landlord and taxi driver. The landlord was pissed as fuck, because we were sent emails owing him 3 months rent and he was going to take that out of our deposit. But that was the last we heard.
I went into work, and handed in my keys, had a resignation letter prepared and quit. Shaking like a leaf. I had told Christian I was going on a holiday, and would be back for the bunnies. He didn’t know I really was leaving. I kept that premise going as soon as we left the ground he continued to text me multiple times a day, while on the scouting gig, but I never picked up the phone again.
I think it did traumatize Christian me leaving like that, but I had no choice. For being trapped in a foreign country was killing me, AND HURTING KEITH, so I had to return.
After we returned, I replied to his texts with no more - we are never coming back to Austria. His cats died and the pandemic started… and I had physically cut him out of my life. But there was an emotional pain I could not bear. So I fell into further derealization.
I became much worse before I stabilized. And Keith was stuck with me. And my emotional state was stuck in the past.

I never want to feel like that again. I have only felt like that once in my life - with Christian, but the living with emotions part. Fucking destroyed my brain. Christians constant berating and fear mongering, knowing I had nowhere else to go. No friends, no other job, no future either. That was all romantic delusion of a power couple life that was fake.

Christian’s business partner lost all the deals I had made. Every single one of them. When Peter stepped in, negotiations would go sour or there would be some excuse, and the client would evaporate. Leaving me to blame. I got the deals but the disfunctional company could not fulfill them.

Who do you think they took it out on? Yes, every single one including Christian at that company.

Now, I feel like I have 100% recovered from that life lesson, but returned to my normal somehow. My usual emotionless resting bitch face. But at least I’m more functional than ever before.

Onnaloves

Day 5 of Bunny’s recovery. We think he must have had a stroke, and that somehow, we saved his life. I found a swelling on his right side under his ear, and I’ve been massaging it out. Bunny now eats solid foods, but I have to chop it up because he still can’t eat very much.
Bunny is now hopping around, but wobbly. However he seems back to his old self, curious and naggy pants. Baby girl is taunting him by jumping over him on purpose. As if she’s going HA! Now I’m the boss bitch! Bunny can now go to the toilet on his own.

I caught myself today before a moment of outburst at Keith. What would have normally transpired is Keith telling me something which is incorrect, then I would correct him and somehow he would start slapping and banging things because he thinks he’s right.

Today I just _let him think he was right _ the irony. Knowing he’s wrong but just not bothering to say or do anything about it. Here was the problem:
I found some beautiful art paper with Jellyfish, and ordered a sample. Keith said he could reproduce it by photographing the sheet, at 10k, and then giving me the file to work with to tessalate.

Ok right. Inside I knew this was a long way of going about it. Correcting distortion and stitching is not so easy.

So I said: we could just scan it on our lazer printer?

And here was the ridiculous thing: “NO NO NO YOU CANT DO THAT ITS ONLY IN BLACK AND WHITE”
Me: it’s a scanner it can see in colour, just the printer is black and white.
Him: (being odius now and talking down to me like I’m stupid) no it only scans black and white… shaking his head at me and sneering.

Normally I would have blown up at this point and there would have been the man baby ritual of him hugging and puffing around the place.

Today, I quietly went up to the scanner, checked the menu and pointed out: LOOK IT DOES COLOUR, IT SAYS SO…

him: -says nothing- BUT ITS LOW QUALITY NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR PRINTING.

Me: it says it can scan 600dpi

Him: (sneering at me again) OH NO NO NO YOURE WRONG THEY NEED MUCH BETTER QUALITY THAN THAT BLAH BLAH BLAH LECTURE LECTURE

and he won’t see that this is him. But he really is like this. Once he’s decided that he is right, he throws rewriting facts at me to stick to his choice of FOTOGRAPHING lol some fucking piece of paper with his camera.

I shrugged my shoulders and went, oh well if I can scan it and save me a stitching job I’ll do that, you can carry on and take pictures.

To which he DID start slapping things around on his desk and he really is completely unaware he does this. It happened a few times today. (He’s ordering boxes) where I had to correct his language on the telephone to the printer manufacturer.

It’s a Chinese Symbol Not a Chinese letter. (The logo has big letter initials and I don’t want the printer mixing up the Spot UV - just to clarify…

Another:

We can have the printer print a bunch of “handwritten notes” onto which I use the same handwriting to put their name in the blank space. OMG I shouldn’t have gone there. He just couldn’t wrap his head around it and went all argumentative AT ME.

Oh another: MORE TOOTHBRUSHES?! (In the post)
me: Yes I ordered them remember?
Blank stare. But we’ve already…

Me: this was before you ordered that stuff I put in an order from a different supplier.

He understood but he had absolutely no memory of discussing this with me.

I have to say, the only thing Keith and I get along with is business, and movies. Outside of that he is a pig to deal with.

I couldn’t get the lid of a new drum today, I asked for help… he got the lid off and the goop was too thick for me to syringe measure, so I opted to scoop it out like honey.
He interjects: how about I hold the bucket and you pull on the syringe?
Me: WHAT?! I have a spoon and a measuring cup and scales. No amount of force is going to suck up that silicone.
Him: how about we get a pump?

What in the fuck Christ mercy shut the fuck up and leave my lab. Fucking pain in the ass obstacle maker.

I hid the demeanor from my face. I was sick of his constant overwriting of my work, photoshopping (even though I’M THE ONE THAT DOES ALL OF THIS WORK) and honest to god simple workflow he just wants to jack the fuck up. PUMPS? Gimme a break. I can SPOON THAT SHIT OUT.

Apart from that I don’t really know if I’m making progress with Keith, US or whatever. I mean even with bunny, on the way to the vet, I said hmmm this must be vestibular, he can’t balance, his eyes are rolling…. It’s neurological

Keith (while we were driving) no it has to be something pressing on his optic nerve to make his eyes roll like that

OKAY

vets: it’s vestibular disease

No acknowledgement or anything from keith. I mean seriously there never is. Oh I know I’m not a vet, but I can feel bunny I’m pretty sure he’s dizzy as fuck and can’t stabilize.

And it just goes on like that. And I am supposed to play dumb to keep Keith “omnipotent” I mean seriously, it doesn’t make him happy, he’s a pessimist all the time, he just needs to be RIGHT all the time. And if I say anything against it, wow betide I am even right. He slaps around like a man baby.

I am the abusive one in our relationship? Seriously, he says I’m rude and disrespectful to him. Huh. Funny how he is exactly that to me.

We think differently, and emotionally we are not aligned. It causes chaos between us. The only thing we are emotionally invested in - is Nüwa Medusa LLC. I can think of many scenarios that I had to tip toe around his omnipotent fact rewriting. And many times where I corrected him and had to put up with the fallout of his man-silence.

But this time. I predicted it. And held my tongue. Whatever, when I come to doing that work no doubt I will just go to the scanner and stitch it way before his photography and lens fucking around and lighting blah blah blah. I’ll just let him do his work and do mine separately anyway. It’s quicker.

Onnaloves

Day 6 of bunny’s recovery. Gonna sound nuts, but he’s nearly normal now. He is for sure physically injured with some sprain in his deltoid and brachial minoris muscle. Not a break thankfully. He also seems to have a sprain in his left leg but that is healing faster.
I’ve been massaging and stretching out his muscles twice a day for 5 days now. And the only thing that remains so far is a slight head tilt, and a timid ness to jump up onto the sofa. He can’t land on his front paws so he’s not jumping up because he can’t get down. I think he’s going to heal completely in the next three days.
So, I did an ear wash on him yesterday which he is still hating me for, and has ultimately stopped asking for cuddles because he thinks I’m going to do his ears again, however, so much gunk came out! I am able to see down near his eardrum. So that’s a really good thing. I think bunny had chronic sniffles that tracked up his sinus and into the inner ear and put pressure in the vestibular area. Then he was frightened into stroke at the vets. He wasn’t just dizzy, he was physically spasticated. It was neurological because his eyes were rolling constantly for three days. I found a swelling behind his right ear, and gently massaged it so that the fluids would drain.

Bunny is now honking and chasing baby girl almost back to normal. Keith is relieved. He says the last time he was that scared was my trip into hospital in the Philippines where he thought I was gonna die.

Funny he brought that up really, because I knew I was close to death, but I really kinda wasn’t scared or anything. I just concentrated on surviving moment to moment and that’s all I could do.

We never received any explanation or diagnosis what happened to me, to this day I still don’t know. But Keith said he had never seen anything like it before, someone vomiting bright green and squirting from both ends with each spasm in my body. I know how easy it is to die, but I didn’t let go. I had shit to finish in this world.

And that’s pretty much all I thought about. There were no flashbacks of family or anything. Just a sense of knuckle down and fight this whatever it is.

Had that had happened here in the states, I somehow think even modern medicine wouldn’t have helped. Just a big fucking hospital bill of ¼ million dollars lol. It was only 3,000 pesos in the Philippines for a week in hospital. That’s ridiculous. I remember nuns coming into my room and praying over me at 5 in the morning, as though it was a just in case last rites thing. Keith shoved them out the room. When you’re in hospital in the Philippines, no one is there to look after you. There is a bench in the room upon which your loved ones can look after you, the doctor visits once a day, and nurses are only there for emergency. Keith had the task of bringing me food and every morning there was a bowl of congee and fried fish. Which I loved! But I was so sick I couldn’t eat.

So I’m thinking about bunny stroking, and feeling sad how transient they are, bunnies being so damn fragile, fearful to the point of having a stroke, or hurting themselves badly by freaking out, bolting, and crashing into things and breaking bones. It’s happened before, where baby girl freaked herself out and crashed into something, requiring a $600 vet bill for emergency X-rays and everything.

Just stahhhp freaking out! Please! It’s so damn self destructive! I suppose that’s what prey animals do, but it forces Keith to learn how to be extra thoughtful I suppose. He has definitely changed his physical behavior and bangs about with intention much less. That was always annoying because it’s a vent for him to act out when he’s pissed. But now he does actually try to refrain from larger outbursts of ugly slapping and banging around because the bunnies will freak the fuck out and crash into something - causing him a huge vet bill and loss of 5 hours of time. Lol

Onnaloves

I just stuck my ground and argued calmly with keith while he went nuclear with me. I bought some mooncake stamps and he excitedly brought them up from the garage from a box of bakery things, and stood over me going “look what I found!” Then he says how they are candy stamps from his father’s restaurant… and fumbles around forever “demonstrating” how they are used but not actually being able to figure out the interlocking method…

“Are those are mooncake stamps!” I said. I bought those!

NO, he corrected me. These were in my dads bakery box. Insistent.

But I wasn’t going to let him keep that false memory. I bought those! I exclaimed - and he continued to argue with me and say I didn’t. BUT I HAD BOUGHT THEM. I pulled up my eBay history and showed him the purchase from 2019. THOSE ARE NOT THESE ONES he insisted. These are my DADS. He insisted.

BUT LOOK. They have CHINESE SYMBOLS ON THEM! And I showed him in his face the mooncake stamps with the Chinese Symbol. “Are you saying your dad made Chinese Mooncakes before I ever introduced you to them?”

Then Keith got seriously angry with me. He was MAD. He started shouting. “BUT I BOUGHT THEM” I commanded. And I wasn’t going to stand down.

“Why are you being like this?” He is yelling at me. “because I bought them, and I have a whole list of your false memories that you attack me and gaslight me with” and he went nuclear.

I’ve used this journal to keep a list of all the gaslighting. And I’m pretty sure he has false memories. “I DONT THINK YOURE IN A POSITION TO TELL ME ABOUT MEMORY” he attacks me, that was an attack. As far as I’m concerned, I have proof those were things I bought, and he has rewritten my memory and taken it for his. As he has done many times before, and then attacked me for it.

All I need to do is show the phone with the evidence, and he goes ballistic. AND ATTACKS ME. And doesn’t see that he attacks me. He thinks HE is being completely NORMAL, and I am the one that’s delusional.

I am not in disbelief, I have proof this time, and a whole list of shit that added together really enlightens me that KEITH IS A PROBLEM. And I literally can’t be bothered to turn over and let him get away with it anymore. Infact. The next time he sneers at me and says shit like the scanner only sees in black and white. I might just say - are you sneering at me again and rewriting with false memory? I might just do that shit on purpose now because it’s getting to be a frequent thing I can’t let go of anymore. Because HE USES THAT SHIT to have his way. And I’m sick of that pathetic behavior.

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