Bunny is worse today. Keith is crying. Like no joke Keith is really upset, and I don’t know how to react so there is no reaction. I just get on and continue with whatever I’m doing. But Keith is outa sorts, and bunny now requires being syringe fed. So I’m doing it, and I feel sorry for bunny, and baby girl, but I can’t really do anything else. Other than force feed him to make sure he doesn’t go into stasis.
My fingers are now worse than ever from syringe work, and sculpting and shit is still not over. The finish line has suffered delays as a result of Christmas disaster.
I‘m actually not tired but alert at all times. Last week I was just exhausted, but something has kicked me into action since yesterday, maybe the calamity around me has drawed me into a tight focus or something.
I really don’t know what counter-dependent or co-dependant is, as I never understood relationships at all. Romance used to make me want to vomit and cringe, because I never felt it. Once with Christian I felt romance, but I realize now that was infatuation - like an addiction - to perfection. And when things started to realize, they were not perfect, I was …
What? I wouldn’t believe it.
I rejected the reality that he wasn’t perfect. I LIKED THE ROMANCE, and wanted to hold onto it. Even though it was fake.
I realize now that infatuation is infact the thing I have misread as Love. It is not Love. It is a strange and desperate need for the other to be perfect, and relieve all responsibility for being useless onto the savior…. But wait… THAT‘S what Christian was doing to me!
And actually, THAT‘S what Keith did to me. Hmmmm
But Keith couldn’t drop me like a hot rock because now we were married, and now I had severe health issues and we were indebted to a massive hospital bill and strategized to work our way through it. Suffer THE RUT together.
And I became BORED of that rut. And wanted excitement elsewhere. The responsibility was killing me to hold down a job, pretend to get on with people, wear a mask of getting along. And inside I just wanted an adventure.
Where was I? Oh relationships. I got stuck to that pimp right? That was a non sexual relationship with a sex addict to enable his sex addiction to shameful fetish acts of indecency. I was trapped because of the cost of trying to get my equity back out of that relationship, four years went by, I realized I fucked up, and the only way I could get out was to literally leave the country from this bloodsucker.
He stole £34,000 from me, I handed over my home equity in cash. Stupid me. For a share on his title deed. Which never happened. Stupid me.
Then I worked my ass off with disgusting men to keep us going paying his mortgages and STILL my name wasn’t on the deed. So I could’ve left sooner, or not handed over the money, or just not gotten roped into doing sex work, that was all on me. I suffered what I believed I was worth. Left overs, on the shelf. No longer marraige material/ girlfriend status or anything. I believed I was soiled goods, trash, and couldn’t work anything better.
And then I got out. And things were not so bad, I regretted not doing so sooner. I had never experienced infatuation until Christian came along. And the power of addictive entanglement is noxiously sweet. You don’t realize the sugar is poison. You don’t realize the sweetness is rotting you inside out while you continue to hold onto the shell of a glamorous relationship.
Then Christian asked me to move in with him. And my immediate reaction:
WTF? NO WAY! Why would I do that? - and I was so shocked I registered for a slight moment that he was surprised at my response. What I didn’t realize was he was so destroyed by my response he kept that heavily under wraps, and I had wounded him so badly he was going to take revenge.
I distinctly remember there was a change in his behavior after that. AS IF I WOULD DROP EVERYTHING TO GO MOVE IN WITH HIM. Seriously. We weren’t even „dating“ or „publicly in a relationship“. Even though it was common knowledge to everyone that I had a husband and was sleeping with the boss. I mean everyone knew. They pretended they didn’t. They despised me.
They believed he was giving me favoritism. They rejected me, mobbed me, bullied me. And now my boss turned against me because I wouldn’t move in with him? LOL!
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING to get involved with this guy? I mean right from the beginning, it was all too perfect. He sold me on the perfect career, the perfect power couple, flying the world and doing business. Suits and Corporate Egos. Italy, Germany, Sweden, France, we flew everywhere and I secured deals all over the place. We were a power couple.
And then I refused to move in with him. And shit hit the fan. But that wasn’t the cause. The cause was me seeking someone to fucking save me from my worthlessness. When really, I have all the worth I need right here. In my pajamas and birds nest hair, sculpting and caring for bunny, building shit so I can afford a legacy for my daughters and for once in my life, to treat myself to things that make me happy.
And relationship? You are not married to your relationship. I am married to my passion, and my husband will fold in with that, help me achieve what I want, or… not.
But as he helps me with this, I am more grateful than I ever have been in my life. And want to acknowledge him. Even when his eyes are strangely wet with emotion from dealing with bunny. Why don’t I ever get like that?
Keith is emotional, I am simply not. And even when I do feel shit, I realize now I keep that all to myself like a festering boil. And that’s my biggest problem. The boil needs lancing and venom spat out where it needs to go… my frustrations need to be managed. That is what I have to figure out, without hurting anyone. Or maybe just a little bit on idiots that waste my valuable time.
