Giving Keith some credit for the way he handled his stress yesterday. He was obviously distressed at loosing equipment to the tune of some 400 dollars, but I made a huge effort to IGNORE HIM and disappear down to my lab, while he spent the day searching and then online to replace the part -without disturbing or affecting me.
So I acknowledged him at the end of the day, that he can only do the best he can, and I’m sad for him and his continuous misfortune. He seemed to be receptive of that, because I acknowledged him.
I suppose that’s the difference in me now. I am stepping more into his distress and understanding it, rather than becoming part of it. So, in a way, allowing the tantrum toddler his opportunity to vent. And expressing my resonance and understanding of it. Instead of just being indifferent and giving him the stink eye.
Stink eye is something I find hard to control, because it’s a kind of quizzical intimidating look that I am unaware I do, yet have to check myself for my ACTUAL facial expression as I am unsure what I am feeling, so my face gives something away that is often misunderstood because I do not know how to feel therefore react - and it spirals from there.
Like apparantly I should feel exactly the same as him for example, when I don’t. Because I can’t seem to relate or it’s not important to me.
So any quizzical look can often trigger Keith like a dismissive question response. My face is a question mark. And questions are triggering for people especially where they feel they shouldn’t have to explain themselves.
And for emotional seratonin types, they are extremely uncomfortable if you do not feel the same as them, because they look to merge with like emotions or cause the same in others, regardless of motivation or purpose.
If you are an emotionally driven person, then you seek emotional validation for motives. This means, if your core is to distrust, whether it’s the government, doctors, people telling the truth, people able to tell the truth, then you will gravitate to each other through distrust as the common emotional core, even if your motivations are completely different.
Like antivaxxers, conspiracists - they are uniting through hate and distrust of the greater forces that be that they cannot understand. Doesn’t matter whether they are Yoginis, health workers, blue collar, people of colour. The thing that unites this core of anti-vaxxers from many walks of life and incongruent educational and career paths - is the emotions of hate and distrust.
Keith is unaware how similar he is to these people of emotional drama, as he shares many of the same emotional traits. I pick that up on his daily grievance with politics, survival, public services. He has an essence of distrust of “the system”, and goes around stinking of this “edge” of conspiratorial thinking. It makes him a bit of a grumpy cynical man to be around. And I’m suppose-ta be congruent to his cynicism or he feels rejected.
It really is emotional drama and fear and dread, anxiety, future pessimism and a big fucking bore to be around. Because emotion is just energy, and why waste that energy on circuits of the brain that are destructive?
Over time, fear, anxiety, negativity programs the brain to “cut the cause” of that thinking patterns and alleviate the anxiety and excess of cortisol.. however, in doing so, a negative person becomes more deficient. As the brain needs to be constantly renewed, cells die. Brain cells die. And they do not reproduce but rather “take up” new matrix material from around them (the glia or glue) and patch things in an effort to continue the renewal process. Renewal needs hardening, only estrogen release can do that. The dopamine amplifies and puts enough excitement in transforming glia into neuronal dendrites that search for new connections, and the estrogen (donut) sheaths and hardens the new dendrites to replace, renew or heal the neuronal connections.
Seratonin is literally only the emotional amplifier, and if you are based heavily in this quadrant, you run the risk of blowing fuses in your brain. Or making bad decisions. We need all four hormonal pathways to work together, but, if they are imbalanced have weird affects on personality destructive patterns and behavior.
The time I was in Austria 4 years ago, I got sucked into the imbalance of seratonin from the emotional abuse. And because I cannot regulate, it burned my brain in multiple lesions that caused me long term problems. In the short term I had Alice in wonderland syndrome, and alien hand syndrome. Every night at 3 am when I was processing my emotions, I would wake up with my left hand choking me, or by morning I suffered more numbness and brain fog as my dopamine paths responded to emotions and cut the paths that caused me great pain.
So I became a zombie. And it happened fast. At the beginning of December I had already developed signs of neuropathy, phantom pains that my emotional brain tried to tell me this shit was wrong, but I continued to ignore the signs, so my brain amped up and each time it did, it burned away more connections. This happened in the form of seizures or a very hot firey head overnight, with numbness and weird presentation in the morning.
In one week I recorded 12 of these events, and I was now cognitively deficit. In one month the brain fog was so severe, I lost my ability to speak in English.
The immune system system if the brain, controlled by estrogen and dopamine, had turned on itself because it couldn’t keep up with the seratonin pathways of overcurrent. And my stubborn testosterone path literally forced it on myself, I kept on going with such determination, my brain had no choice but to cut me down.
