Isn’t there a saying: don’t cut your nose off to spite your face? Or Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water?
it’s Saturday Noon. Two weeks ago I had planned on my head Brenton would be here and we would start working out, followed by an afternoon of filming trash, then a social evening before we think about food and where Brenton was going to stay or go home.
well, today, my body conditioning is being preserved for tomorrow at the beach - where I’ll be preparing to do some tumbling that I haven’t done in 6 years, so I’m focused on prep work for that today. I will no doubt be awful tomorrow and that’s part of the fun. The fails are inspiring to others, and for me, once I’ve broken the mind lick of throwing myself backwards, I can start to override the adrenaline and focus it to my form.
two weeks ago I had planned on prepping acro stunt work on a new base - Brenton, then depending how that went, to investigate a Nude beach and do some basic stunt work there… but, since he ghosted me for a whole week in the lead up I had to make plan B to keep my content going on Patreon, AND not loose the progress on my mind/body training.
you see, tumbling and inversions FORCE my brain to focus in tighter time constraints what is alien for the body. It starts to react and get me back in touch with blood flow regulation in my brain. When blood flow is being regulated better (I can actually control it) I can slow down time in my brain by having more assertive reactions during flight.
gymnasts do this, and I found how the mechanism actually works. When I practice handstands, the brain has to adapt by strengthening the nervous control of the arterial walls which are smooth muscle. This is how the brain controls blood pressure and flow. When I practice inversions every day, those arterial walls strengthen and become responsive. I can actually feel it and control it, just like I can voluntarily slow down my heart with breath control.
it’s an amazing feeling, being in that much control, and not letting stressors and fears compromise my natural flow. But it has taken me a lifetime to play with it and work out what I’m actually doing and realize the bio-feedback of how I’m actually controlling it.
I’m honestly amazed that people don’t feel this! I took it for granted, that just like people can feel muscle pain, I can locate sensations everywhere in my body, and train blood vessels to respond - consciously.
I can “hear it” change in my head at will. And though it is technically not a sound, SOMETHING murmuring through my brain feels like a sound, beats like a drum, ripples like a wave, and I know how to direct it.
it’s like my brain is a monster, like a squid, that I am actively using. Where this comes from I don’t know. I have never had the chance to talk to anyone else that can do it. A future goal would be to show people under an fMRI that I am actually doing this on command, because the sounds and the caressing I feel in my brain - are all intentional.
so that would be an interesting thing to visualize and demonstrate I know what I am talking about.
anyway back to Brenton.
fuck I am soooo dissappointed. I shouldn’t have had such high hopes for this boy. My mistake. I thought by planning two weeks out he was a safe bet. And we would play and talk and consume the day in prep for a fun day out at the nude beach. But, I guess that’s enough to send any manboy into an overwhelming state of tailspin.
“I am not worthy”, “why me”, “omg sexxxxxx”, “how can I plan on getting sexxxx out of her”, “shit she has a husband”, “what am I thinking?”, “maybe she’s just using me for sex”, “but I’m worth more than that”, “I deserve more!”, “I don’t know what to do”, “how can I find another woman like that AVAILABLE?!”, “there is no one left on the planet for me”, “I am hopelessly depressed”, “fuck her”, “trying to stop thinking about her”, “ok, distraction”, “that works, fuck her”, GHOSTED…
I could be wrong. But that seems about right. A good fit for what happened. It was the sex talk that fucked him up. My pussy monster is too strong 🤣. Man I am so dissappointed. You see, I told him upfront on the phone, while we talked for 2 hours straight! That I will invest in him, if he commits to me. I need a training partner, and I will fix his body and bring it into balance too, IF he is committed. What I should have iterated, is that sex is just a bonus, not the objective. Commitment first, body modification on the level I practice is a regime. And I will not manage to progress, unless my base is dedicated in changing himself also. So I have to pull him up to standard. And he will change. A lot.
he doesn’t know how much he will change, I can’t seem that to him. But I got excited with the prospective of a real match, a partner, committed to our bodies growth together as one…. I got so excited, I dreamed of SeXXX my way, not typical and loving, but demonic and war-like. A battle of the senses and overcoming my sexual mind-blocks. Ugh. How I regret this. He fucked up. He ghosted me and went on a tailspin.
I was familiar with being ghosted, and I do not like it. I do not like my high expectations being left to disrespect. I end up stewing in “maybe he is overdoing it”. And that is unfair because my emotions get the better of me, and I can’t focus on anything I want to do, which left my week disastrously unproductive. I was mad I let that happen. I was mad that I became mentally depressed and lost productivity that I had GAINED from a previous week of excitement. FUCK HIM!
So I called him out on ghosting me after my repeated polite attempts at getting him to resurface and allow me to plan my weekend schedule - based on both what he was likely to be feeling as well as staying within both our capabilities. And the lighting window. And the opportunities presented to catch content. Ugh. He fucked it up.
so I had to swerve onto plan B and not miss an opportunity for content AND keep surfing my body conditioning. My mesocycle is rubbish because I’m in my 40’s AND suffering mentally, so I have tk track the wax and wane of inflamation and energy levels in my body. Brenton doesn’t even know this yet. Not many people do. But I check how much inflammatory mess the body is in and adjust our play accordingly. And right now, Brenton is an inflammatory mess, he doesn’t even know it. But if we had talked, I could have shown him how we could work around that and allow his body to dissipate some of those stagnating cycles.
Fuck him. I’m so pissed