So much has happened, I had to drop in to update. I feel like I think differently, like nothing “gets” to me anymore.
Manny is still exiled, ghosted, and doesn’t know why - but I really don’t care. I didn’t ask him to put his fingers in me so he can go figure that shit out all by himself. Friends don’t cross boundaries. I really shouldn’t have to spell anything like that out.
It was my 44th birthday, and Keith’s 66th birthday. Which had always been a source of contention every year I felt he would steal my birthday. This year I apologized and said “about our birthdays, I can’t really do anything for you, but I’ve decided I wanna belly laugh, and we are going to do something completely utter stupid - and just laugh”
OKAY so he didn’t celebrate, but on our Birthday weekend. I climbed into a balloon filled with slime, and he was holding 2nd camera and trying not to laugh. I paygated the disaster balloon movie and made money on it.
Turns out I’m making money just in the nick of time, Keith’s unemployment insurance for pandemic relief goes away in a week, so now we will be surviving entirely off what I make. To be honest, Keith is a bit of a bore, that’s his personality, and I’m always praying about screaming in laughter at myself or in the pool like the crazy that I am. But, my laughter is making money.
So, recently, the stock market keeps taking a dive, and I noticed when things crash, keith gets really moody and snitty and worse - he snaps at me and hurts me - and doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. In the past, I used to slap on my headphones, or leave the room. But you know what? I have a right to live in this space! Especially when my earnings from laughter and games, will be entirely supporting of the both of us. Sooo…
Keith went into one of his usual rants (he rants everyday about politics, Covid, Afghanistan, Biden. He is severly dissappointed, jaded, angry, and he never lifts his own mood. He starts these lectures and goes on and on about stuff I clearly don’t care about. So, when he finished his rant, I said this:
Do you even know what I think or feel - my side of the equation of this (politics/Biden/Afghanistan?)
“So you don’t wanna know the other side of the equation in this house?” I NODDED HE GRUNTED.
I wanna hear you say it. That you care what I think about this whole business. Because you don’t have a clue what I think.
Start argument here.
The truth is Keith, your behavior negatively impacts me. I can’t escape. I have to share the same room. But your negative behavior ACTUALLY HURTS ME. Everyday. Especially when the stock markets crash, I try to leave the room and play for money. It make me feel - hurt. Ignored. Actually really hurt.
IM NOT GOING TO STOP VENTING WHEN IM UPSET TO PROTECT YOU FROM YOUR OWN FEELINGS
But you don’t know how I feel do you? - I KNOW YOU DON’T CARE. Actually you’re wrong about that. You don’t care that “I” represent a part of the population just like you represent part of the population and you have zero idea about my thinking about all this… you’ve never asked. Which means you think you are entirely right, and this is what’s going to happen to America. Without giving a slight thought what other people in the political equation “think”.
THEN HE FLIPPED OFF AT ME, “you’re not a voter and you’d be socialist anyway” well, maybe if I was a citizen, but even though, you have no idea what people like me “think?” Do you? GO ON, TELL ME.
So I went on to clarify, the weird thought process I go through when the news comes on. I see the reporter amping up questions in a divisive manner. Throwing knives. And the politician is collected but won’t win because the emotional energy is on the side of the reporter at this point. I don’t even have to have volume on I can feel the needless needling coming from the reporter… and guess what? You are getting sucked in. You are reacting to the reporter not the politician. It’s like the reporter is picking a fight, and looks like he won, because you are all amped up.
But there’s people like me, who turn that shit off because I really don’t care. I see the needless needling. The carnival barker. The emotional leverage. The suck. And there is no need. The news should be news not a show. I don’t get sucked in. I don’t try and twist words. I feel sorry for Biden because THEY MAKE SHOWS TWISTING PEOPLES WORDS and imbuing them with intent using false logic. You think you’re so analytical but you can’t see this emotional leverage can you?
Me: I immediately see the demeanor of the inquisition, I know that’s not news, so I switch off, no information here worth learning. I just KNOW Biden’s intent was true either way. Because I FEEL IT.
So, keith sat there and thought quietly for about an hour. And now he’s AWARE than when he does that again -I’ll be pointing at him. You’re doing it again…
And I really don’t care. But now I feel more grounded - like my opinion is valid, I’ve taken form, feels like.